Tim Tebow spawns eight brainy theories
By DJ Gallo
Page 2
Yet again, we were somehow all caught off guard by Tim Tebow. Not only is he winning, but he's winning in the playoffs and putting up eye-popping numbers through the air. Tebow is unlike any other NFL quarterback we've seen before. What are we to make of him? Who is he?
Here are eight theories:
Tim Tebow: Football Troll
The image of your average Internet message-board troll is that of a weak, pasty basement dweller whose life is focused on getting people riled up in comments sections. Now imagine if such a troll was a muscled 6-foot-3, 236-pounder who decided to troll the entire country on national television every week? You'd have Tim Tebow.
He started the season as the third-stringer, and everyone freaked out. Then he got a start and won, and everyone freaked out. Then in his second start, he played horribly and got crushed, and everyone freaked out. Then he went on a winning streak, and everyone freaked out. Then he went on a losing streak, and everyone freaked out. Then he won a playoff game, and everyone freaked out.
Victim count: football scouts, football media, Tebow haters, Tebow supporters, John Fox, John Elway, his teammates, me, you. At some point along the way, he's made everyone look stupid. Well played, Tebow. Well played. If the NFL were a message board, Tebow would be typing "FIRST!" in the playoffs thread.
Tim Tebow: Football Chess Master
Everyone else in football thinks play to play and game to game. But Tebow is much wiser than that. He is several moves ahead of the rest of the NFL.
Three weeks ago, Tebow saw how the playoffs were lining up. The Patriots had the inside track on the No. 1 seed in the AFC and the Broncos were the likely No. 4 seed -- setting up a first-round matchup with the Steelers and their top-ranked defense. So Tebow went out and lost to the Patriots, then played so horribly against the Bills and the Chiefs that he tricked the Steelers into playing 11 guys at the line of scrimmage. Trap set. With Pittsburgh convinced he was incapable of completing a pass, Tebow set about torching Pittsburgh's secondary with long passes -- when the Steelers easily could have contained him with a simple base defense used against every other quarterback in the NFL. Now Tebow rolls into New England to face a Patriots team that believes they already know how to stop him. How naive. Broncos by 50.
Tim Tebow: Publicity Expert
It's a slightly more refined version of the Football Troll. Tebow dominates the news cycle no matter what. When you think the Tebow story can't get any bigger, it just does. He's the Lady Gaga of football. His throwing motion is his meat dress. Doubt me? Ms. Gaga tweeted the following about her fellow traveler: "Giants fan but wow. #Tebow Thats (sic) what the f--- a champion looks like."
Tim Tebow: Sociological Experiment
We know that Tebow was a Family, Youth and Community Services major at Florida. But does anyone know if he is doing any postgraduate or Ph.D. work there? A thesis titled "Religious Quarterbacks with a Unique Throwing Motion and the Cultural Response" would be quite a read.
Tim Tebow: Media Savior
Brett Favre used to be the go-to name for members of the sports media in need of a column or segment topic. But he went away, and the collective football media panicked. Fortunately, in stepped Tebow. This alone could turn thousands of grateful sports media members to religion. And I'm as guilty as anyone else. In the past two months, I've written approximately 127 Tebow columns. But I've also started tithing. Thanks Tim!
Tim Tebow: Spiritual Icon, Motivational Speaker, Future President
Does God care about the outcome of football games? Does it matter? Tebow is making millions of people believe that God does. Just check out Twitter after any Broncos win. Or look at all the hysteria over his throwing for 316 yards against the Steelers. OMG! Like John 3:16! It's a sign! Yes, even a coincidental stat has become evidence of Tebow's heavenly favor. And 316 yards is specifically a reference to John 3:16, of course, not any of the 3:16s in the other 66 books of the Bible, such as Leviticus 3:16: "And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire for a sweet savour: all the fat is the LORD'S." Nope. Totally John 3:16.
Do standard motivational sports clichés like "doing your best" and "never giving up" and "being positive" actually inspire anyone? Apparently.
Will a wholesome, handsome ex-football star who can draw the religious vote and appeal to the tens of millions of Oprah-loving pop psychologists win 51 percent of the vote in the 2024 presidential election? No, he will win 91 percent of the vote in the 2024 presidential election. The 9 percent who don't vote for him will just be hard-core Raiders, Chargers, Chiefs, Alabama, LSU, Georgia and Ron Paul fans.
Tim Tebow: Zombie
He can't be stopped. He can't be killed. He just keeps coming for you. Coming for us all. He doesn't want to kill you. He doesn't want to eat your flesh. He just wants to win. He's the world's first wholesome, positive zombie. The only screams you'll hear are his ... celebrating another touchdown.
Tim Tebow: Good, Young Developing Quarterback
Now stay with me on this one. It's the craziest theory yet. Here we go: Tim Tebow is a young NFL quarterback who has started only 15 games in his career. As such, he is still getting acclimated to the pro game. So sometimes he plays very well, sometimes not so well, and other times he does his job and contributes to a win equally alongside his defense, running backs, etc. I know. I know. Psychotic. The rambling, incoherent thoughts of a madman. But maybe so insane that it's sane?