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I'm an alcoholic AMA (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter strykerpks
- Start date
strykerpks
Footballguy
Happy 4th everyone! Today marks 3 weeks since my last moment of weakness. That's the same timeframe I was at. Small victory but they keep adding up.
Today was a bit of a struggle being around it virtually all day long. The 4th used to be a big party day for me, starting in the morning and going late into the evening with maybe a nap somewhere in there. We switched it up this year though... Different locations, activities, friends, etc. Walked the local parade with my sons Cub Scout pack, rested in the afternoon out of the sun (90s around here), picked up some blowy uppy stuff for later, and now just enjoying the patio, some tunes, and cooler evening temps.
So overall it was a good day. No real cravings. A few passing thoughts of "It sure would be nice to....." But those didn't last.
Just wanted to thank you all again for the support and letting me spout when I get a moment to reflect. Here's to 3 more weeks
Today was a bit of a struggle being around it virtually all day long. The 4th used to be a big party day for me, starting in the morning and going late into the evening with maybe a nap somewhere in there. We switched it up this year though... Different locations, activities, friends, etc. Walked the local parade with my sons Cub Scout pack, rested in the afternoon out of the sun (90s around here), picked up some blowy uppy stuff for later, and now just enjoying the patio, some tunes, and cooler evening temps.
So overall it was a good day. No real cravings. A few passing thoughts of "It sure would be nice to....." But those didn't last.
Just wanted to thank you all again for the support and letting me spout when I get a moment to reflect. Here's to 3 more weeks
bostonfred
Footballguy
Alex P Keaton
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
SWC
Bromigo
good on you man keep it up i have been fighting it a lot lately and it is hard as hell and i admire your courage a great deal keep it up
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Man In The Box
Footballguy
Glad to hear you are doing well @strykerpks
The above is a nice way to keep it simple. I would get pretty anxious, almost overwhelmed, when I think about never having another drink. I would think about things in the future like parties, drafts, holiday get-togethers, etc and the thought of “How in the world am I going to get through THAT sober?” and that type of future tripping would get my mind racing. I really try not to do it anymore and just tell myself “I’m not going to drink today.” Sounds dumb, but it helps me just be present.
I just made it to 100 days about a week ago, and the first three weeks were the toughest so far. You’re doing great. We can do this.
Alex P Keaton
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
That's awesome, man. Keep it up!
I definitely have the same kind of thoughts about the future. But my therapy/treatment has really helped in the coping skills area. Distraction, breathing, mindfulness, playing it forward, exercise, new hobbies, etc.
Not sure if I mentioned it here but to fill some idle time I started building mini models. It's been oddly cathartic and a relatively inexpensive way to stay busy and keep my mind and hands occupied.
Kafka
Footballguy
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
The road of life is paved with flat squirrels that couldn't make a decision - more wisdom from group
This past Friday I graduated my treatment program. Roughly 60 days ago I made a decision. Lose my family, lose my job, lose it all, or start the most difficult path I could take to be a better me. I decided on the latter.
I can't predict the future. I can only use what I've learned and put it into practice to the best of my ability. My peers in treatment gave words of validation on my last day. Admiration, gratitude, and cojones were the themes. Admiration because I admitted my lapse and extended my treatment to become right, gratitude because I helped others see that it's not a perfect road but quitting isn't the answer, and cajones because the Latin King respected my openness and calling him on his ####.
My journey isn't over. But, the small victories add up. Thank you again for letting me opine.
Outpatient therapy starts tomarrow.
This past Friday I graduated my treatment program. Roughly 60 days ago I made a decision. Lose my family, lose my job, lose it all, or start the most difficult path I could take to be a better me. I decided on the latter.
I can't predict the future. I can only use what I've learned and put it into practice to the best of my ability. My peers in treatment gave words of validation on my last day. Admiration, gratitude, and cojones were the themes. Admiration because I admitted my lapse and extended my treatment to become right, gratitude because I helped others see that it's not a perfect road but quitting isn't the answer, and cajones because the Latin King respected my openness and calling him on his ####.
My journey isn't over. But, the small victories add up. Thank you again for letting me opine.
Outpatient therapy starts tomarrow.
SteelCurtain
Footballguy
Great job. Another accomplishment. You are getting better and healthier.
Proud of you.
TheWalkmen
Footballguy
How’s it going?
2Squirrels1Nut
Footballguy
Congratulations! A journey of a thousand miles starts with just a few steps. Happy to hear that you are fighting for a happy and healthy life which you deserve.
Dennis Castro
Footballguy
The Z Machine
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
Thanks for the bump, and the kind words/PMs.
Not going to lie it's been a real struggle as of late. After my last post I came back to the real world on 8/2. My old employer took me back and of course everyone treated me with kids gloves. It was pretty annoying that no one should have known why I was gone, but everyone seemingly did. Stupid small office gossip. Then about 2 weeks into being back, the VP made a very public decision to kick me out of my office and stick me in a cubicle so I could "deal with what other employees have to deal with". It was such a slap in the face. But I need the paychecks at this point and could have been fired months ago so I was the good soldier and stuck my chin up and moved into that cubicle. I should have walked out but then I did the worst thing I could have done....I drank. Contradictory right? That's what I wasn't prepared for. Luckily it was a one time thing. I recognized it and moved on.
So I was back at square one in the middle of August. I had been with a private therapist for a few weeks and I told her about the situation. We have a pretty good rapport. She divulged that she is in recovery as well so we have really hit it off. We have more "conversations" than "sessions" it feels like. So we've been working things beyond the "how and the why". There's no trauma, there's no abuse, there's nothing to say THIS is why I am an alcoholic. Those that don't necessarily know addiction, it's not a cop out, but it happened. Not by choice and not overnight but it happened.
Going back to the job, we (my therapist and I) agreed that it's a toxic environment that was a major factor in spinning things out of control. So we have a goal of a new job by December. Pay cuts, familiarity, conveniences, etc be damned. It's been 21 years building and likely the #1 factor if I can't get through a work day without drinking. So that's a goal. Next is hobbies. I'm going to continue to build miniature models. I've done 4 in the past 3 months and it's really helped late at night to concentrate on that other than how I'm going to hide from my wife the 9 beers I just drank. Exercise regimen. That's next. All of this on top of meetings. I'm pretty much done with AA. I just can't do it. SMART is where I really dig the content, the people, etc much more.
We just completed the last draft of my relapse prevention/safety program earlier this afternoon. This includes trigger warnings, exit strategies, coping mechanisms, and much much more.
I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out but I gotta run. May check in later. Please keep questions coming and if anyone else here even questions if they have a problem, my DMs are open.
Not going to lie it's been a real struggle as of late. After my last post I came back to the real world on 8/2. My old employer took me back and of course everyone treated me with kids gloves. It was pretty annoying that no one should have known why I was gone, but everyone seemingly did. Stupid small office gossip. Then about 2 weeks into being back, the VP made a very public decision to kick me out of my office and stick me in a cubicle so I could "deal with what other employees have to deal with". It was such a slap in the face. But I need the paychecks at this point and could have been fired months ago so I was the good soldier and stuck my chin up and moved into that cubicle. I should have walked out but then I did the worst thing I could have done....I drank. Contradictory right? That's what I wasn't prepared for. Luckily it was a one time thing. I recognized it and moved on.
So I was back at square one in the middle of August. I had been with a private therapist for a few weeks and I told her about the situation. We have a pretty good rapport. She divulged that she is in recovery as well so we have really hit it off. We have more "conversations" than "sessions" it feels like. So we've been working things beyond the "how and the why". There's no trauma, there's no abuse, there's nothing to say THIS is why I am an alcoholic. Those that don't necessarily know addiction, it's not a cop out, but it happened. Not by choice and not overnight but it happened.
Going back to the job, we (my therapist and I) agreed that it's a toxic environment that was a major factor in spinning things out of control. So we have a goal of a new job by December. Pay cuts, familiarity, conveniences, etc be damned. It's been 21 years building and likely the #1 factor if I can't get through a work day without drinking. So that's a goal. Next is hobbies. I'm going to continue to build miniature models. I've done 4 in the past 3 months and it's really helped late at night to concentrate on that other than how I'm going to hide from my wife the 9 beers I just drank. Exercise regimen. That's next. All of this on top of meetings. I'm pretty much done with AA. I just can't do it. SMART is where I really dig the content, the people, etc much more.
We just completed the last draft of my relapse prevention/safety program earlier this afternoon. This includes trigger warnings, exit strategies, coping mechanisms, and much much more.
I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out but I gotta run. May check in later. Please keep questions coming and if anyone else here even questions if they have a problem, my DMs are open.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
GLLLLLLLLL
mr. furley
Footballguy
you are gonna love running and the dudes in the 10k threadstrykerpks said:
strykerpks
Footballguy
FTN. We're talking a walk around the block on the daily to start. Hell you saw my FB pic. I don't need to lose weight, just maintain a healthy weight. Plus running sucksyou are gonna love running and the dudes in the 10k thread
Yup, just about anything. I've done a plane, a tank and a trike for each of my kids and a little semi truck for my office (I'm in logistics). Each was a little better than the previous. I've been really trying to hone my skills to make things look decent. My FIL wants an old school 43 Petty car in exchange for a chainsaw. Seems like a solid trade. But the concentration needed for these things has really helped with cravings etc.
SteevieG
Footballguy
I'm curious where you're getting the models. Are they kits? I see some on Amazon and there is a sweet 1968 Shelby Mustang I'd like to try. I never even thought about something like this
I think/fear I may be headed for a path I don't want to go down (or may be on already) and I have zero hobbies. Something like this may help me avoid things like this thread is about. I suppose it's a start and can't hurt, right? I don't know.
I don't post much around here, but I read the FFA a lot and this thread is exceptionally inspiring to me and I imagine lots of others who are mostly just readers. Thank you very much. Do what you need to to stay the course. I'll try to also.
strykerpks
Footballguy
Yeah, one of the things that was stressed throughout my treatment was finding hobbies. Essentially there's a void where so much time was taken by using that I need to fill it with positive activities. The initial investment was about $100. First kit and paints, beginner tool set through Amazon, paint brush kit, and magnifying glass w/stand. The latter is probably the best investment.SteevieG said:
But I searched hobby shops in my area and found a few. It looks like you're in GA and the one I go to, Hobby Town, is a national chain that does RC cars and a whole slew of other things like that as well. There's a few in your area. Otherwise Amazon is a good starting place too. Basic kits can go anywhere from $20-50 or so, with larger, more elaborate aircraft carrier type things going well into the $100s. I've started small and it's been enjoyable. It's an easy way to pass time and channel negative thoughts/energy into creating something.
strykerpks
Footballguy
What it do, fam?
Just a quick update. This weekend has been a struggle. It's my wife's 20th hs reunion. She didn't trust me to be home alone with the kids so I made the trek 3+ hours so she could go to the bar last night and again tonight. I'm DD.
Last night was rough. We're staying with my in laws and they were in bed by 10 or so. I got to sit in a dark basement watching TV waiting for my wife's text to pick her up. Plenty of jealousy and anxiety on my part. But I breathed my way through and had music behind me. Gb @Drifter wanted some suggestions so we went back and forth
Today was a family thing at a park. I twiddled my thumbs but then played some basketball with my middle kid. It was fun. Until Vicki said very loudly "I'm glad you quit drinking. I had a crush on you when Katie brought you to our 10rh reunion" It got quiet for a second but people figured it out.
Vicki is drinking wine out of a box. But there's no box because that makes more room in the cooler. This was 330pm
At any rate the real reason for my post. My wife went out with her classmates after dinner, I had the kids bathed and ready to watch a movie.
My mil asked me point blank about being an alcoholic since there was no one around. We talked for like 2 hours. She called me out, I answered. We laughed. We cried. We really had a solid chat. She will always keep her daughter's best interest in mind. But after tonight I have an ally. We've never been close now we are.
Just a quick update. This weekend has been a struggle. It's my wife's 20th hs reunion. She didn't trust me to be home alone with the kids so I made the trek 3+ hours so she could go to the bar last night and again tonight. I'm DD.
Last night was rough. We're staying with my in laws and they were in bed by 10 or so. I got to sit in a dark basement watching TV waiting for my wife's text to pick her up. Plenty of jealousy and anxiety on my part. But I breathed my way through and had music behind me. Gb @Drifter wanted some suggestions so we went back and forth
Today was a family thing at a park. I twiddled my thumbs but then played some basketball with my middle kid. It was fun. Until Vicki said very loudly "I'm glad you quit drinking. I had a crush on you when Katie brought you to our 10rh reunion" It got quiet for a second but people figured it out.
Vicki is drinking wine out of a box. But there's no box because that makes more room in the cooler. This was 330pm
At any rate the real reason for my post. My wife went out with her classmates after dinner, I had the kids bathed and ready to watch a movie.
My mil asked me point blank about being an alcoholic since there was no one around. We talked for like 2 hours. She called me out, I answered. We laughed. We cried. We really had a solid chat. She will always keep her daughter's best interest in mind. But after tonight I have an ally. We've never been close now we are.
El Floppo
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
So, it has been brought to my attention, that I said "most people here suck". I meant what I said, but it was not all-encompassing. I implied I was ungrateful for the support in this thread. Neither could be further from the truth. I'd like to thank @rockaction for helping me realize my words on this forum have meaning, even if misstated or misunderstood.
It's been about 6 months since my last update. Things have been rough. I was really strong but had a recent lapse. I don't want to make excuses but I had a really bad 2 weeks. The holidays in and of themselves are difficult as a person, let alone a person in recovery.
So Christmas came and went, then my uncle (and Godfather) went on a Covid vent and died on the 27th. Another uncle, who was 83 and not well to begin with was on a vent and died on the 28th. Then his wife was on a vent and died of a stroke on the 29th. Stuff your politics aside and just wear a ####### mask or get the shot. People are dying. Whatevs....
So my wife and I tried to make the best of it and at midnight on NYE we toasted NA sparkling wine/juice and said "Here's to 2022. Let's begin anew". We kissed, we made love and everything was great.
7am new years day, we got the call. Her father had a heart attack and died. 4 deaths in a week. We were both completely distraught.
On top of all this I quit my job and started a new one. My last day was the 31st. I had built in a week to jerk off and play video games but that never happened. Katie went home to be with family and I had the kids.
At any rate I was feeling pretty bad. I know better, but I picked up on the 2nd. I had 2 drinks and on the second one I caught myself. I dumped all the liquor out and called my mom, my wife, my therapist, and my groups and we worked it through.
Since then I've been doing really well. I have bi-weekly check ins with a SAC (substance abuse counselor....my therapist). I have a regular Tuesday evening in-person SMART group. I have a Sunday and Thursday SMART group that's via zoom. But in all reality these online meetings are every day. I did one every day after my FIL died for a week.
Last update, I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I got punched in the face by a craving/panic/anxiety attack and just couldn't do it. I made wings, jalapeno poppers, Texas shotgun shells, shar cooterie (I will never spell that right) and once I sat down I told my wife "I can't do this". So I did group/meetings all night.
My self awareness has grown to the point where I now work for a printing company. Most of what we print is liquor displays. I'm not even triggered. I see a Captain Morgan sign and I think to myself "It's a piece of cardboard/paper/etc"
I'm not perfect. And I never will be. I'll slip again. I'll learn again. But I'm so much better now than I was just a year ago. Luff ewe all, except those of you who suck
It's been about 6 months since my last update. Things have been rough. I was really strong but had a recent lapse. I don't want to make excuses but I had a really bad 2 weeks. The holidays in and of themselves are difficult as a person, let alone a person in recovery.
So Christmas came and went, then my uncle (and Godfather) went on a Covid vent and died on the 27th. Another uncle, who was 83 and not well to begin with was on a vent and died on the 28th. Then his wife was on a vent and died of a stroke on the 29th. Stuff your politics aside and just wear a ####### mask or get the shot. People are dying. Whatevs....
So my wife and I tried to make the best of it and at midnight on NYE we toasted NA sparkling wine/juice and said "Here's to 2022. Let's begin anew". We kissed, we made love and everything was great.
7am new years day, we got the call. Her father had a heart attack and died. 4 deaths in a week. We were both completely distraught.
On top of all this I quit my job and started a new one. My last day was the 31st. I had built in a week to jerk off and play video games but that never happened. Katie went home to be with family and I had the kids.
At any rate I was feeling pretty bad. I know better, but I picked up on the 2nd. I had 2 drinks and on the second one I caught myself. I dumped all the liquor out and called my mom, my wife, my therapist, and my groups and we worked it through.
Since then I've been doing really well. I have bi-weekly check ins with a SAC (substance abuse counselor....my therapist). I have a regular Tuesday evening in-person SMART group. I have a Sunday and Thursday SMART group that's via zoom. But in all reality these online meetings are every day. I did one every day after my FIL died for a week.
Last update, I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I got punched in the face by a craving/panic/anxiety attack and just couldn't do it. I made wings, jalapeno poppers, Texas shotgun shells, shar cooterie (I will never spell that right) and once I sat down I told my wife "I can't do this". So I did group/meetings all night.
My self awareness has grown to the point where I now work for a printing company. Most of what we print is liquor displays. I'm not even triggered. I see a Captain Morgan sign and I think to myself "It's a piece of cardboard/paper/etc"
I'm not perfect. And I never will be. I'll slip again. I'll learn again. But I'm so much better now than I was just a year ago. Luff ewe all, except those of you who suck
strykerpks
Footballguy
One other thing I want to say.....if ANY of you even think you have an issue, my DMs are open.
simey
Footballguy
I'm sorry about the loss of all of those relatives, stryk. That is very rough.
I'm glad you are better than you were a year ago, and it is common for people in recovery to relapse, and they can relapse multiple times. I do wonder though with you saying you will slip again and learn again, does that in a way make you feel like you will get a taste of it again, and it will be ok, cause you know you can reset again? I don't know if I am wording it right, but are you kinda ok'ing it with yourself for a future relapse?
Signed,
Concerned in Carolina
I'm glad you are better than you were a year ago, and it is common for people in recovery to relapse, and they can relapse multiple times. I do wonder though with you saying you will slip again and learn again, does that in a way make you feel like you will get a taste of it again, and it will be ok, cause you know you can reset again? I don't know if I am wording it right, but are you kinda ok'ing it with yourself for a future relapse?
Signed,
Concerned in Carolina
strykerpks
Footballguy
Hi Concerned in Carolina,
By no means am I accepting or condoning any of my (re)lapses. There are certain groups/associations that would frown upon any type of lapse. SMART understands that it will happen, it's not really accepted, but we're here to help you move on. Does that make sense?
I believe I mentioned it earlier in the thread but one of the best analogies I have ever heard was:
"If you're driving from NY to LA and you get a flat tire in Indianapolis. Do you drive back to NY or change the tire in Indy?"
I'm in Indianapolis right now, metaphorically.
Thank you for your concern. It truly means a lot.
simey
Footballguy
I understand. I was worried you were giving yourself early permission due to the urge that lives inside. Keep on keeping on...one day at a time.
rockaction
Footballguy
Thanks to strykerpks for taking the high road on a post that could've really been a divider. I appreciate it, and I was able to better clarify my thoughts in a way that I wanted, which was really hopes for positive interaction. Good luck, strykerpks, we wish you the best on your quest.
:sameawkwardbrohuginreturn:
:sameawkwardbrohuginreturn:
SWC
Bromigo
sorry for your losses and rough about the lapse but honestly proud of you for owning it and finding and using your support network seriously keep on keepin on and focus on how much better of a man you are and how you are able to be strong for your wife because you are clean that is awesome of you
strykerpks
Footballguy
Not by any means am I giving myself permission.I understand. I was worried you were giving yourself early permission due to the urge that lives inside. Keep on keeping on...one day at a time.
It happened. I own it. I move on. But the rub is... That I learn from it in order to move on. I don't want to say that's my struggle, but it kind of is
ProstheticRGK
Footballguy
I definitely suck, but I still love you. Always appreciated your contributions to threads.
Sorry about all of the losses, especially around the holidays. Good for you for stopping at 2 and being accountable. Keep fixing tires in Indianapolis and eventually learning to avoid potholes!
Sorry about all of the losses, especially around the holidays. Good for you for stopping at 2 and being accountable. Keep fixing tires in Indianapolis and eventually learning to avoid potholes!
strykerpks
Footballguy
No, thank you. I'm glad to have had an interaction that didn't involve red or blue, Packers or Bears, great taste or less filling.
I really evaluated some things on my end. Thank you again
strykerpks
Footballguy
strykerpks
Footballguy
You don't suck. Well if you're saying it......
But thank you. That Indy analogy resonates daily
rockaction
Footballguy
Cool. Allow me to also offer condolences on the loss of your family members. Nobody should have to go through that much at one time. I hope your spirit is edified by the grace they showed during their lives.
Peace. Keep fighting, stryker. I think you've got the right mindset to get this.
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DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
Stay the course! I am humbled by your strength to do so. It’s impressive.
Punxsutawney Phil
Footballguy
You were 2 drinks in by 9:30am. They probably put two and two together.
Good luck. This thread has really been eye opening to the whole "one day at a time".
AAABatteries
Footballguy
Even though you called me not fun I still love you man. Sorry to hear about the family members passing - condolences. Proud of you for how far you’ve come. Keep being strong for your family.
SWC
Bromigo
sure would have now i enjoy sunrises and knowing that i have nothing to worry about regarding what i did or said the night before and im going on a ton of months now myself and it is a battle some nights but i have some good clean friends that help me through and that helps so lets keep after it
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
I made a little joke about that post, but it was just that -- a joke. The way you phrased it was funny.
I don't know if I was one of the people you were talking to here, but if so, this is just miscommunication all around. I'm sorry about your losses but glad to see that you're still moving forward. This is a good thread.
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strykerpks
Footballguy
IK, you're an OG that I respect 1000% even if disagree with something you say. I'm not a PSF guy but you were one of the people I looked forward to reading to either validate what I thought or give me perspective on a different view.IvanKaramazov said:
I chose my words wrong in that other thread. For that I apologize. To everyone.
strykerpks
Footballguy
Yeah, looking back on what I was doing.... It's humbling.Punxsutawney Phil said:
strykerpks
Footballguy
Thank you. Try to be more fun next timeAAABatteries said:
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