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My wife, she's... overweight. (1 Viewer)

Also, I implore anyone who's having (or who has a loved one who's having) a significant weight problem to have his/her thyroid checked out. There are an estimated 12 million people with undiagnosed thyroid conditions in this country, and it's a significant contributor to weight problems - as well as a bunch of other issues.

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden.
I don't think any of this is inconsistent with addiction. Lots of addictions grow over time.
Liking to eat is not an addiction. Preferring to watch tv versus taking a walk is not an addiction. Our country needs to stop making excuses for why its so fat.

And if being fat is the result of an addiction, you're telling me that over 50% of our population is addicted? Dumb.

 
Also, I implore anyone who's having (or who has a loved one who's having) a significant weight problem to have his/her thyroid checked out. There are an estimated 12 million people with undiagnosed thyroid conditions in this country, and it's a significant contributor to weight problems - as well as a bunch of other issues.
Amazing how lots of other countries have avoided these rampant thyroid issues. Must be lucky.

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
I can see the similarities.

Regardless of whatever is at the root of it, she won't change for him. So, he should leave, or have affairs. He shouldn't suffer for her poor choice.

 
If he was married to a crack addict who refused to get help I think we would also be advocating that he leave and/or bang a non crack addict
Right, my objection was to the "lazy and selfish" characterization, or even worse, (HULK)'s notion that she is deliberately choosing to be overweight. Most of us are sympathetic to people who suffer from forms of addiction and people who who suffer from problems that are not entirely of their own making. People generally aren't sympathetic to those that are merely lazy and selfish. It makes it very easy to justify leaving or cheating if you view her weight gain as deliberate.This conversation has some similarities to one earlier in the thread where we compared the situation to one in which your wife was disfigured in a car accident. I viewed the situation as not identical, but somewhat similar. Other folks wouldn't even entertain the thought that there might be some similarities.
Even heroin addicts make the decision to use.

I'm generally not sympathetic in most situations though, especially when the person made and is continuing to make the decisions that create the problem. I might be harsher on fat people due to my mother being fat and remaining fat, entirely due to her own laziness. Probably colored my paint when I used my broad brush to color in Vegas's wife.

 
I don't want to hijack this thread, but my perspective is that ~98% of morbidly obese people are that way through entirely their own fault. Genes have some play, but they're not the whole story. Add in that the wife was a normal healthy weight on her wedding day, I'm firmly in the camp that her size is entirely her own doing, and her not getting back to a healthy weight is a choice that she is making.

Not saying losing weight is easy, but she's not even trying. Her husband being celibate as a result doesn't even phase her.

Then you take the point (mostly overlooked) that she holds him REJECTING the advances of someone against him. This is a classic person who refuses to control them-self and insists on trying to control everyone else.

So, yeah, in his shoes, I'd leave. Or have extramarital affairs. No way I'd stand pat and be celibate for someone who can't be bothered to care about her husband to even try and change her habits.

ETA: Anyways, my comments are about my snap judgement of her, not all fat people everywhere. She sounds like a piece of work.
Or at least only 98%.
Yup.

I don't feel empathy/sympathy for the fat. Unless they have a medical condition causing the weight gain which most don't.

If that makes me a jerk, it's just one of many things making me a jerk. I have upside in other areas, but not this arena.

 
I don't want to hijack this thread, but my perspective is that ~98% of morbidly obese people are that way through entirely their own fault. Genes have some play, but they're not the whole story. Add in that the wife was a normal healthy weight on her wedding day, I'm firmly in the camp that her size is entirely her own doing, and her not getting back to a healthy weight is a choice that she is making.

Not saying losing weight is easy, but she's not even trying. Her husband being celibate as a result doesn't even phase her.

Then you take the point (mostly overlooked) that she holds him REJECTING the advances of someone against him. This is a classic person who refuses to control them-self and insists on trying to control everyone else.

So, yeah, in his shoes, I'd leave. Or have extramarital affairs. No way I'd stand pat and be celibate for someone who can't be bothered to care about her husband to even try and change her habits.

ETA: Anyways, my comments are about my snap judgement of her, not all fat people everywhere. She sounds like a piece of work.
Or at least only 98%.
Yup.

I don't feel empathy/sympathy for the fat. Unless they have a medical condition causing the weight gain which most don't.

If that makes me a jerk, it's just one of many things making me a jerk. I have upside in other areas, but not this arena.
I don't think it makes you a jerk. I think comments like this can be indicative of someone being a jerk. Probably only in ~98% of cases, though. I'm not making a snap judgment of everyone.

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden.
Still don't see any real science out there that says our bodies need less fuel as we age. Post menopausal women are a slightly different animal but that can go the other way. Most of the data on this is very overfit but willing to be shown otherwise.

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden.
Still don't see any real science out there that says our bodies need less fuel as we age. Post menopausal women are a slightly different animal but that can go the other way. Most of the data on this is very overfit but willing to be shown otherwise.
You don't see any science regarding lower metabolism or lower muscle density as a person ages?

Where are you looking?

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden.
Still don't see any real science out there that says our bodies need less fuel as we age. Post menopausal women are a slightly different animal but that can go the other way. Most of the data on this is very overfit but willing to be shown otherwise.
You don't see any science regarding lower metabolism or lower muscle density as a person ages?

Where are you looking?
Muscle density is a different matter. Controlled for all factors, no I don't think this whole "metabolism slows as we age" excuse holds nearly the amount of water we would like to show. It's more a correlation/causation situation.

You need to ask WHY metabolism slows as we age, and I think it's mostly due to lowering testosterone levels in response to low activity. This can be particularly acute in men.

 
Didn't Vegas say the weight gain started while she was pregnant and then she couldn't take off the weight? Possibly postpartum depression that spiraled down hill? I can see both sides of the coin here. There are definitely cases where it's sheer laziness but I don't think that's as high as 98%. I think a higher percentage are due to some sort or mental issue weather it be depression, anxiety etc. Food is definitely a coping mechanism for a lot of people.

 
Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible.

With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden.
Still don't see any real science out there that says our bodies need less fuel as we age. Post menopausal women are a slightly different animal but that can go the other way. Most of the data on this is very overfit but willing to be shown otherwise.
You don't see any science regarding lower metabolism or lower muscle density as a person ages?

Where are you looking?
Muscle density is a different matter. Controlled for all factors, no I don't think this whole "metabolism slows as we age" excuse holds nearly the amount of water we would like to show. It's more a correlation/causation situation.

You need to ask WHY metabolism slows as we age, and I think it's mostly due to lowering testosterone levels in response to low activity. This can be particularly acute in men.
Sorry, are you saying you think muscle density drops don't come with a concurrent drop in base metabolic rate?

 
Here, if it helps:

Science n stuff
Yes, this is the data I have seen before and call over-fitted and is usually pointed to as reasons for looking deeper into this siatuation. They took two core populations of ~20-30 and ~60-70 and then drew a line between them and called it good. The methods here for energy expenditure are also not well controlled. There is also a whole host of outliers in both sets that are not being properly accounted for.

 
Here, if it helps:

Science n stuff
Yes, this is the data I have seen before and call over-fitted and is usually pointed to as reasons for looking deeper into this siatuation. They took two core populations of ~20-30 and ~60-70 and then drew a line between them and called it good. The methods here for energy expenditure are also not well controlled. There is also a whole host of outliers in both sets that are not being properly accounted for.
See above.

 
Moar Science N Stuff

Moar Science N Stuff 2

Moar Science N Stuff 3

Moar Science N Stuff 4

It's not the end-all-be-all - a lot of things can of course be mitigated with greater exercise. But there is a need for more work in order to maintain the same body mass with the same number of calories at a higher age.
I'm not sure what exactly your end goal here is. Should we just throw in the towel? Or are we looking for an excuse for the continuing fatness in this country?

The lack of physical activity, even the most slight amount of activity, hasn't been properly controlled for. Oxidation of lean tissue is typically found in people that literally do nothing their whole life or are paralyzed.

Body fatness in the short term is diet driven, in the long term some amount of activity needs to be undertaken. Not sure why this is controversial.

 
An additional note, some people go the other way with it regarding depression/anxiety. My wife for example exercises A LOT, running, boot camps, kick boxing etc at least once a day. If she didn't exercise(and take her meds) I think she would be in a dark place, she was heading down that road a few years back. Unfortunately food is another avenue that some people take to deal with this stuff.

 
An additional note, some people go the other way with it regarding depression/anxiety. My wife for example exercises A LOT, running, boot camps, kick boxing etc at least once a day. If she didn't exercise(and take her meds) I think she would be in a dark place, she was heading down that road a few years back. Unfortunately food is another avenue that some people take to deal with this stuff.
Yea, same deal here with my wifey. It doesn't need to be an everyday thing, but if she doesn't get a good run in every other or so, she starts heading in the wrong direction with her mental health.

 
Moar Science N Stuff

Moar Science N Stuff 2

Moar Science N Stuff 3

Moar Science N Stuff 4

It's not the end-all-be-all - a lot of things can of course be mitigated with greater exercise. But there is a need for more work in order to maintain the same body mass with the same number of calories at a higher age.
I'm not sure what exactly your end goal here is. Should we just throw in the towel? Or are we looking for an excuse for the continuing fatness in this country?

The lack of physical activity, even the most slight amount of activity, hasn't been properly controlled for. Oxidation of lean tissue is typically found in people that literally do nothing their whole life or are paralyzed.

Body fatness in the short term is diet driven, in the long term some amount of activity needs to be undertaken. Not sure why this is controversial.
To discuss the actual causes of weight differential during aging, particularly when incorrect statements are being made about the state of research on people on the aggregate seem to get fatter as they age. Changes in body structure density, organ caloric needs, and overall metabolism are as important as visible physical changes.

Motivation is different for different people - for some, it comes from understanding the process that brings the need for motivation. In the case of weight gain during aging, understanding that more physical work or less caloric intake needs to happen as we age is a critical component - otherwise, you just end up with obese people wondering why the diet that worked at 25 doesn't work to reduce weight now.

 
Im going to go out on a limb and say for most people, the issue is somewhere between being lazy and disgusting pigs and real life taking over. "Real life" may be lack of time, depression or health (mental or physical).

 
In the hopes of getting this thread back on track, and in maybe providing Vegasman with some info that isn't totally useless, I'll just post something that in hindsight, I was pretty much dead wrong about. Early in the thread folks were telling Invaded "you've got to tell your wife she's fat" and stuff like that. I was fairly critical of that advice, because it was obvious to me that my wife knew she was overweight and she knew that it bothered me. There just didn't seem to be any point in saying it directly other than to antagonize her.

I've since come to the realization, though, that even though she knew she was overweight and that it bothered me, she really wasn't even close to understanding the magnitude of the problem. To be honest with you, even though she appreciates it somewhat more now, I still don't think she completely understands. A big part of that is because I didn't really want to acknowledge it myself. And that seems to be a pattern here. Invaded started the thread by saying "my wife's great in pretty much every way, except this one thing." Vegasman said pretty much the same thing, and that's how I characterized it when I first chose to discuss it with some friends.

But the truth is that the "one thing" dwarfs the importance of every other thing. It's like the old joke "other than that, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?" Nice guys aren't supposed to think that way, and so I think a lot of us beat ourselves up over it. Vegasman is upset that he just can't get past this one thing (I used to think the same way). After all, everybody has flaws, it just seems cruel to make too big a deal out of any single flaw when we have a lot of our own. And we try not to confront our wives with it, and when we do, we understate the severity of the situation. And our wives generally view us as good guys, so they obviously don't think it's that big a deal. And they never get the message that basically every other amazing thing they do or will do is useless in our eyes if they're still obese. I can't think of any circumstance where I would be happily married to someone that was 100 pounds overweight.

So as unpleasant as it is, you pretty much have to find a way to talk as directly as possible about this stuff if you want any chance at her changing her behavior. And given the fact that what you're saying probably conflicts with some strongly held beliefs that she has, this is probably going to involve a long series of conversations over a long period of time. And virtually every conversation is going to involve hurt feelings and crying and defensiveness and hostility and all around awfulness. The whole experience will be just terrible, and there is a risk that just going through these motions will result in the demise of your marriage. It sucks, especially when you have reasons (i.e. kids) why you want to keep the marriage going even if she stays overweight and unattractive.

There aren't any easy answers. But unfortunately tiptoeing around the problem is destined to fail. Addressing it head-on is likely to fail too, but there may potentially at least be a sliver of a chance there.

 
Im going to go out on a limb and say for most people, the issue is somewhere between being lazy and disgusting pigs and real life taking over. "Real life" may be lack of time, depression or health (mental or physical).
Absolutely agreed. And I think that's key to being able to approach people and discuss this issue. If you have the mindset that your wife is just a lazy pig, you might as well get divorced. Or, you know, cheat on her as suggested by others. It may be easier to find some middle ground if you can view things with a little more complexity.
 
Is the "weight gain from aging" discussion even relevant in this thread where we're talking about people gaining 100 pounds in a few years?
If you'd like them to be able to take it off, yes.
So she's gained 100 pounds in a few years. That's perhaps 360,000 calories by some estimates. At a 500 calorie defect a day she'd be back to her fighting weight in 2 years, but I guess we can make it 2 years and 2 weeks based on aging effects. Good?

 
Is the "weight gain from aging" discussion even relevant in this thread where we're talking about people gaining 100 pounds in a few years?
If you'd like them to be able to take it off, yes.
So she's gained 100 pounds in a few years. That's perhaps 360,000 calories by some estimates. At a 500 calorie defect a day she'd be back to her fighting weight in 2 years, but I guess we can make it 2 years and 2 weeks based on aging effects. Good?
No, we can make it "as long as it takes" because giant generalizations as to individual caloric intake requirements and metabolic rates based on cross-population averages are how we get into this mess in the first place.Also, you can't figure out what a "500 calore deficit" is without finding out what your static weight caloric intake is. And that will change as you lose weight.

 
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.

 
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?

 
Im going to go out on a limb and say for most people, the issue is somewhere between being lazy and disgusting pigs and real life taking over. "Real life" may be lack of time, depression or health (mental or physical).
Absolutely agreed. And I think that's key to being able to approach people and discuss this issue. If you have the mindset that your wife is just a lazy pig, you might as well get divorced. Or, you know, cheat on her as suggested by others. It may be easier to find some middle ground if you can view things with a little more complexity.
You didn't always used to be so preachy.

His wife won't even attempt to lose the weight she's rapidly packed on. The only other thing we know about her is she holds it over her husband's head that a more attractive lady propositioned him and he turned her down (how is that his fault, and how is that not the best possible reaction from him in her eyes?).

Based on these two things I feel safe saying that she is a lazy pig. I wouldn't even want my kids around such a person.

 
Eh...just start jacking it to BBW and midget porn. After a few months of that, your mind will be reconditioned to accept your wife for who she is. Then join a swingers club.
Just saw our local obituary column. I coached a kid in baseball when he was 10. Found out kid's parents were swingers. Came on to a few couples we know. They eventually divorced of course with the swinging being the key issue. Dad turned to drugs, then committed suicide. Son found him. Off topic - but does the swingers thing ever end well, for anybody, long term?

 
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
Totally agree with this. Shocking to see how many guys are walking around looking proportioned everywhere else but stomachs looking like they are 8 months along with twins.

 
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
I probably haven't seen all of them.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
Totally agree with this. Shocking to see how many guys are walking around looking proportioned everywhere else but stomachs looking like they are 8 months along with twins.
And, as noted by culdeus above, it often is related to low testosterone (whether that's related to lack of activity or some other reason.) It's also a high indicator of other, pituitary-related hormonal imbalances.

 
Spurred on by you guys I mentioned the sex thing. We were sitting on the couch and we out of the blue decided to lay down together. Just feeling that touch again made me excited; its been a loooong time. So I said I would like to have sex again.

And it went straight downhill.

It started out as an OK, frank discussion. And ended with me getting unfairly called out. Essentially "you are still repulsed by me and I am just an available hole."

This AFTER i explained that it would be good forums, and I wanted us to get closer and start to move forward.

It ended in a fight.

I went into my bedroom and just broke down for a few minutes. Sad, angry and depressed. At the end of the discussion I said "I just can't win."

A few minutes ago (all of this Just happened) she came up and apologized. But I am not bringing it up again.

Still trapped...
maaaaaaan... that's terrible. I can definitely see how you feel trapped. I think it's probably time to start forming a solid exit strategy.

But also... what about BJs (blue dots?)? She won't even hook up some oral? If not, what if you put a lil chocolate syrup and whip cream on it and call it a banana spit? That might get you some action.

 
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
I probably haven't seen all of them.
You need to walk more.
Seems like a lot of walking to see all of them.

 
If she isnt sleeping with you i beieve there is a deep psychological problem that needs to be addressed.

Ive never known a big woman who isnt also a freak in bed.

But then again ive never been married to one so i dont know if the enthusiasm ends once they get the ring. I dont plan on finding out.

 
Henry Ford said:
DocHolliday said:
Henry Ford said:
James Daulton said:
Henry Ford said:
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
I probably haven't seen all of them.
You need to walk more.
Seems like a lot of walking to see all of them.
That will go a long way to preventing you from becoming one of them though.

 
Henry Ford said:
DocHolliday said:
Henry Ford said:
James Daulton said:
Henry Ford said:
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
I probably haven't seen all of them.
You need to walk more.
Seems like a lot of walking to see all of them.
That will go a long way to preventing you from becoming one of them though.
I don't know. I'm kind of a lazy pig.

 
Henry Ford said:
Judge Smails said:
James Daulton said:
Henry Ford said:
Also, poster's statement that she's gaining weight predominantly in the belly is a HUGE red flag for hormonal imbalances. It is absolutely not normal to gain a massive amount of weight predominantly in the belly.
Have you not walked around and seen all the middle-aged guys who looked like they were pregnant?
Totally agree with this. Shocking to see how many guys are walking around looking proportioned everywhere else but stomachs looking like they are 8 months along with twins.
And, as noted by culdeus above, it often is related to low testosterone (whether that's related to lack of activity or some other reason.) It's also a high indicator of other, pituitary-related hormonal imbalances.
Serious question Henry, do you really believe that a good portion of the obesity in this country is related to physical issues (like low test/malfunctioning pituitary glands) rather than most simply eating and drinking too much while moving too little?

 
that was a bit of a pun, new fella

https://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?/topic/675134-offdee-scale-official-rating-headquarters/?hl=offdee

2: The ugliest girl in school, the ugliest girl at work (couldn't even get into a club)

http://i280.photobuc... Scale/TOS2.jpg

1: Absolutely disgusting and hard to look at. Young children point and adults look away upon seeing (not one single redeeming quality)

http://i280.photobuc... Scale/TOS1.jpg
How the hell did you manage to bed a 1 and 2? No way could i keep my pistol cocked, locked and ready to rock after that much alcohol.

Were you released from prison that day?

 

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