Otis
Footballguy
It's 2014, it's August, it's high time for Coach to drop some knowledge before you make a horrific mistake and go through your fantasy drafts without any style whatsoever trying to draft Lesean McCoy and Peyton Manning.
You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass," then nonchalantly take a sip of your drink. Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2014 All-Value All-Otis All-Hawk Team. Toss your first few picks in the crapper and start from scratch. Don't be the nerd who brings a stack of handwritten notes to the draft. Don't be the even bigger nerd who's got an extension cord running out poolside because you need to fire up a draft spread sheet on the old Pentium laptop. You roll in without any cheatsheets or sheet cheats or draft rankings or ADPs or APDs; when it's your turn in the first few rounds, you just politely decline to pick. Grab a few beers, wait for the mid-rounds, and then make fantasy history.
Babe Ruth wasn't great because he won a bunch. He was great because he called his shots and then smashed baseballs out of the stadium. Step up to Hawk level, call your shot and crush it.
Our interns have been hard at work all year crunching the numbers to figure out how to make you guys look handsome. This year, we're going to add players one or two at a time, because we don't want anyone getting overwhelmed with too much brilliance all at once.
With that said, let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
Remember last year when Jay Cutler was busy not caring, and so they brought in a handsomer Josh McCown and he had a better passer rating during his starts than Peyton Manning and Drew Brees? If you want you can draft Drew Brees. That'll be really exciting. Nobody will ever see it coming. Or you could just get a nice haircut like Josh McCown and wait until the mid rounds and draft your QB then and get the same result. It's up to you really. Feel free to be unoriginal. Or feel free to be great.
Me? I'll take the guy who's going to drop bombs on co-hunks Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans. Just three tall hunks out there scoring with your women and scoring fantasy points.
McCown is going as the 24th QB off the board right now, but he'll finish top 7.
Top 7 QB finish
RB
I like guys who are so passionate about the game that when they finally get healthy and get into the game and get a chance, they are electric as a live wire, buzzing and zapping and charged up all over the place, finally brought to tears from the sheer intensity and speed and love of the game. That's a guy I want.
I like guys in a contract year.
I especially like guys who won Heismans, who cry from running so damn fast, and who are in a contract year. Mark Ingram is a guy who'll have you crying too. You'll sit there on your recliner on Sunday watching him light up your plasma TV and it will be a thing of sheer beauty as he runs past and through everything else on your plasma TV, as you get choked up and sob into your ranch dressing. He likes trophies and you like trophies an the two of you will soar into the sunset together, embracing, crying, celebrating the heights you've reached together.
He's the 50th RB off the board right now, but he'll end the season with RB1 numbers and a top 12 finish, and you'll look like a Lifetime screenwriter making so much beauty.
RB8 - RB12 finish
I don't have much of anything to tell you other than "trust me." Rather than have some clever joke about the guy who will be the best rookie RB this year, I just thought I'd post his draft writeup:
Solidly-built throughout with good muscle build to shake off defenders. Smooth hips and lower body to stay balanced, working off and around blocks well with a good combination of power and foot quickness. Physical, tough and lowers his pads to finish through contact. Good vision, patience and natural feel as a ballcarrier to press the hole and attack the line of scrimmage, following his blocks. Strong cuts and breaks tackles at all levels . A chore to tackle. Good speed and won't slow down at the second level with long strides in the open field. Workhorse and wears down defenses. Sexy as all get-out and probably will steal your girlfriend. Catches the ball well (31 career catches). Strong work ethic and devoted to the game with his head on straight, keeping his eyes on the prize. Extremely productive career (led the team in rushing each of the last three seasons) and leaves Towson as the school's all-time leading rusher (4,854), setting FCS single-season records in 2013 for rushing yards (2,509) and rushing touchdowns (41).
At RB39 off the board, what you're getting here is a guy who will come from behind to lead the rookie RB class and finish the season as the #10-15 RB overall.
Top 15 RB finish
WR
His ADP is the 70th receiver off the board. He won't put up breathtaking stats, but he will put up enough to finish around WR35, making him legit value as your WR3.
WR35-40 finish
He's going as the 51st WR off the board, and he'll finish top 30, right after he finishes making you look bad.
Top 30 WR
In week 13 last year against the Cowboys, Holmes had his first breakout, to the tune of nearly 140 yards on 7 catches, with a crap quarterback. He has the physical tools, he has a chip on his shoulder, he's got some journeyman receivers ahead of him on the depth chart, and he'll be on a bad team that will have to throw a whole bunch from behind. He may end up getting a bunch of fantasy points in garbage time, but even nerdy Shark leagues don't distinguish on that basis.
Draft him late and profit. Just don't tell him you drafted him late.
Top 30 WR
FLEX
Vereen is going the 24th running back off the board, but don't be stunned to see him finish top 15.
RB12-15 finish
TE
Maybe your leaguemates don't like winning. Maybe they haven't paid enough attention to football this year. Maybe they drink too much. Maybe their wives don't give them much attention at home, and their kids aren't doing well in school, and they're really frustrated with the neighbor who dumps his grass clippings over the property line. Maybe they're still dealing with the fact that their parents got divorced when they were young, and to this day they still have that dream that they're drowning, and they wake up in a panicked sweat, and they always feel like they have something to prove. Maybe they just have no confidence because Jim in accounting totally got into their heads. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not a therapist, you're not there to make a donation, you're there to win.
Green is freakishly big, fast, strong, has incredibly good hands, and has an undeniable ability to help you win. By playoff time, this guy will be rolling at top 5 TE production. At TE15, that's
Top 5 TE over the 2nd half of the season
K
omgomgomg! Here we are with our first special bonus pick of the preseason. We told you Josh McCown is going to sneeze thunder and lightning all season, but here's another QB option on the very off chance you find yourself in a league with another hawk:
He's going off the board as QB14, but I'll be damned if he doesn't finish top 5.
Top 5 QB finish
Stay tuned, fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass," then nonchalantly take a sip of your drink. Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2014 All-Value All-Otis All-Hawk Team. Toss your first few picks in the crapper and start from scratch. Don't be the nerd who brings a stack of handwritten notes to the draft. Don't be the even bigger nerd who's got an extension cord running out poolside because you need to fire up a draft spread sheet on the old Pentium laptop. You roll in without any cheatsheets or sheet cheats or draft rankings or ADPs or APDs; when it's your turn in the first few rounds, you just politely decline to pick. Grab a few beers, wait for the mid-rounds, and then make fantasy history.
Babe Ruth wasn't great because he won a bunch. He was great because he called his shots and then smashed baseballs out of the stadium. Step up to Hawk level, call your shot and crush it.
Our interns have been hard at work all year crunching the numbers to figure out how to make you guys look handsome. This year, we're going to add players one or two at a time, because we don't want anyone getting overwhelmed with too much brilliance all at once.
With that said, let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
- Josh McCown
Remember last year when Jay Cutler was busy not caring, and so they brought in a handsomer Josh McCown and he had a better passer rating during his starts than Peyton Manning and Drew Brees? If you want you can draft Drew Brees. That'll be really exciting. Nobody will ever see it coming. Or you could just get a nice haircut like Josh McCown and wait until the mid rounds and draft your QB then and get the same result. It's up to you really. Feel free to be unoriginal. Or feel free to be great.
Me? I'll take the guy who's going to drop bombs on co-hunks Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans. Just three tall hunks out there scoring with your women and scoring fantasy points.
McCown is going as the 24th QB off the board right now, but he'll finish top 7.
Top 7 QB finish
RB
- Mark Ingram
I like guys who are so passionate about the game that when they finally get healthy and get into the game and get a chance, they are electric as a live wire, buzzing and zapping and charged up all over the place, finally brought to tears from the sheer intensity and speed and love of the game. That's a guy I want.
I like guys in a contract year.
I especially like guys who won Heismans, who cry from running so damn fast, and who are in a contract year. Mark Ingram is a guy who'll have you crying too. You'll sit there on your recliner on Sunday watching him light up your plasma TV and it will be a thing of sheer beauty as he runs past and through everything else on your plasma TV, as you get choked up and sob into your ranch dressing. He likes trophies and you like trophies an the two of you will soar into the sunset together, embracing, crying, celebrating the heights you've reached together.
He's the 50th RB off the board right now, but he'll end the season with RB1 numbers and a top 12 finish, and you'll look like a Lifetime screenwriter making so much beauty.
RB8 - RB12 finish
- Terrance West
I don't have much of anything to tell you other than "trust me." Rather than have some clever joke about the guy who will be the best rookie RB this year, I just thought I'd post his draft writeup:
Solidly-built throughout with good muscle build to shake off defenders. Smooth hips and lower body to stay balanced, working off and around blocks well with a good combination of power and foot quickness. Physical, tough and lowers his pads to finish through contact. Good vision, patience and natural feel as a ballcarrier to press the hole and attack the line of scrimmage, following his blocks. Strong cuts and breaks tackles at all levels . A chore to tackle. Good speed and won't slow down at the second level with long strides in the open field. Workhorse and wears down defenses. Sexy as all get-out and probably will steal your girlfriend. Catches the ball well (31 career catches). Strong work ethic and devoted to the game with his head on straight, keeping his eyes on the prize. Extremely productive career (led the team in rushing each of the last three seasons) and leaves Towson as the school's all-time leading rusher (4,854), setting FCS single-season records in 2013 for rushing yards (2,509) and rushing touchdowns (41).
At RB39 off the board, what you're getting here is a guy who will come from behind to lead the rookie RB class and finish the season as the #10-15 RB overall.
Top 15 RB finish
WR
- Miles Austin
His ADP is the 70th receiver off the board. He won't put up breathtaking stats, but he will put up enough to finish around WR35, making him legit value as your WR3.
WR35-40 finish
- Justin Hunter
He's going as the 51st WR off the board, and he'll finish top 30, right after he finishes making you look bad.
Top 30 WR
- Andre Holmes
In week 13 last year against the Cowboys, Holmes had his first breakout, to the tune of nearly 140 yards on 7 catches, with a crap quarterback. He has the physical tools, he has a chip on his shoulder, he's got some journeyman receivers ahead of him on the depth chart, and he'll be on a bad team that will have to throw a whole bunch from behind. He may end up getting a bunch of fantasy points in garbage time, but even nerdy Shark leagues don't distinguish on that basis.
Draft him late and profit. Just don't tell him you drafted him late.
Top 30 WR
FLEX
- Shane Vereen
Vereen is going the 24th running back off the board, but don't be stunned to see him finish top 15.
RB12-15 finish
TE
- Ladarius Green
Maybe your leaguemates don't like winning. Maybe they haven't paid enough attention to football this year. Maybe they drink too much. Maybe their wives don't give them much attention at home, and their kids aren't doing well in school, and they're really frustrated with the neighbor who dumps his grass clippings over the property line. Maybe they're still dealing with the fact that their parents got divorced when they were young, and to this day they still have that dream that they're drowning, and they wake up in a panicked sweat, and they always feel like they have something to prove. Maybe they just have no confidence because Jim in accounting totally got into their heads. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not a therapist, you're not there to make a donation, you're there to win.
Green is freakishly big, fast, strong, has incredibly good hands, and has an undeniable ability to help you win. By playoff time, this guy will be rolling at top 5 TE production. At TE15, that's
Top 5 TE over the 2nd half of the season
K
- LOL
omgomgomg! Here we are with our first special bonus pick of the preseason. We told you Josh McCown is going to sneeze thunder and lightning all season, but here's another QB option on the very off chance you find yourself in a league with another hawk:
- QB Jay Cutler
He's going off the board as QB14, but I'll be damned if he doesn't finish top 5.
Top 5 QB finish
Stay tuned, fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
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I don't think he keeps the job all season. That OLine looks shaky, Evans & ASJ will have some growing pains, I'm not on board this train.
