An ex of mine (1 Viewer)

[TheIronSheik]

Weird story.

So the last girl I had a serious relationship with before my current one is still a FB friend. And that's not too odd, because almost all of my longterm ex's are still FB friends. Mainly, because the break ups were amicable and we both knew it was best. She was hardly ever on FB anyway, so it wasn't a huge deal.

When we dated, we both loved to go out drinking, as did all of our friends. But she always seemed to take it too far. I confronted her at one point and said I thought she had a problem. That was pretty much the end of our relationship. But we were friends before our relationship, so I was still concerned about her.

I lost touch except for updates from mutual friends every so often. She got a DUI. Then, 6 months later, her 2nd DUI. Moved out of state and somehow got a new license, only to get 2 more DUI's. She clearly had a problem. Great girl when she was sober. But a mess when she drank. Wasn't drunk all of the time and could hold down good jobs. But when night time came, she drank until she blacked out.

A couple of times on FB, she messaged me to say she had cleaned herself up and was done drinking. But I knew she was lying.

She put me through a lot of pain when we were dating. Wild accusations to cover her own drinking. I lost friends, or friends I knew started to think differently about me. Eventually, the truth came out, and people realized I was pretty much a victim.

So years go by, probably about 6 years, and yesterday I see her dad post something on FB saying that the family is asking for prayers because she is in the hospital and her liver and kidneys have shut down. She's pretty much dying.

I feel like I should care. But I don't. I mean, it's sad that she is dying. And I feel bad for her family. But I don't really care. I told my fiance about it and she said it's OK to admit that I'm saddened by this, but I'm really not sad. It's weird.

Not really asking for advice. Just wondering if anyone has ever had a similar experience. Not exactly similar, obviously, but a similar emotional experience.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Sad situation. How old is she?

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

I had an ex who decided to prioritize intoxication over our relationship. For a time I tried to help, to understand, to be supportive, and to not be too judgmental as I also enjoyed intoxicants though they did not consume me as they did her. Eventually I realized I was enabling her, and destroying myself by being in a relationship with her. I ended it. Sometime after I came to the belief that it was she who had ended it, all I did was acknowledge what she had already done by choosing a path prioritizing intoxication over a relationship. Once I realized that, I had no guilt or remorse for what she was going forward.

 

[kupcho1]

Weird story.

Old girlfriend pretty much dying.

I don't care; I don't have a soul.

Short version for those of you put off by the longer one.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Sad situation. How old is she?

I believe she is 37.

 

[TheIronSheik]

I had an ex who decided to prioritize intoxication over our relationship. For a time I tried to help, to understand, to be supportive, and to not be too judgmental as I also enjoyed intoxicants though they did not consume me as they did her. Eventually I realized I was enabling her, and destroying myself by being in a relationship with her. I ended it. Sometime after I came to the belief that it was she who had ended it, all I did was acknowledge what she had already done by choosing a path prioritizing intoxication over a relationship. Once I realized that, I had no guilt or remorse for what she was going forward.

Yes. That sounds very similar to what I went through.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Weird story.

Old girlfriend pretty much dying.

I don't care; I don't have a soul.

Short version for those of you put off by the longer one.

Ouch. Not sure I'd say I don't have a soul.

One thing I learned from dating her was that if you are ever accused of being crazy or psycho, there is nothing you can say to defend yourself that doesn't make you sound more crazy.

 

[General Malaise]

Sad story. :(

 

[Henry Ford]

It's perfectly normal to feel (or not feel) the way you do, here. I think it's the healthy response, actually.

 

[Al O'Pecia]

I feel like I should care about this thread. But I don't

 

[cstu]

She put me through a lot of pain when we were dating. Wild accusations to cover her own drinking. I lost friends, or friends I knew started to think differently about me. Eventually, the truth came out, and people realized I was pretty much a victim.

For all of you guys who are happy to be dating the 'cool' chick who loves to drink.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

 

[TheIronSheik]

It's perfectly normal to feel (or not feel) the way you do, here. I think it's the healthy response, actually.

Thanks, GB. I think I just needed to hear someone tell me that, truthfully.

 

[Van Dyman]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

I did have a similar experience. She got much worse after we broke up. I didn't find out she was dying, but found out she was dead. I was sad but not like I had lost a family member or something. It was kind of like you described like "such a waste...she could have really been something" mixed with some guilt for not preventing it.

 

[psychobillies]

Weird story.

Old girlfriend pretty much dying.

I don't care; I don't have a soul.

Short version for those of you put off by the longer one.

Ouch. Not sure I'd say I don't have a soul.

One thing I learned from dating her was that if you are ever accused of being crazy or psycho, there is nothing you can say to defend yourself that doesn't make you sound more crazy.

That's insane.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

I did have a similar experience. She got much worse after we broke up. I didn't find out she was dying, but found out she was dead. I was sad but not like I had lost a family member or something. It was kind of like you described like "such a waste...she could have really been something" mixed with some guilt for not preventing it.

Ouch. I actually don't feel any guilt. I think I tried more than anyone to try and get her help. That's why I caught the brunt of her anger and wrath. Our friends came around eventually, trying to get her help after I was gone. But she would move away, or stop being friends with them. She would always find new friends who didn't mind that she drank.

 

[General Malaise]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

You probably aren't feeling these emotions because you exhausted yourself feeling them long ago and have healed since then. Like scar tissue over an old wound, the feelings underneath the scar tissue just aren't the same, but it doesn't change the pain you felt when you had the wound. Or something.

But a 37 year old dying because of poor choices and addiction to a substance we tend to associate with fun and parties is sad. Sad for her family and friends and sad in general because that is way too young to perish.

 

[Henry Ford]

It's perfectly normal to feel (or not feel) the way you do, here. I think it's the healthy response, actually.

Thanks, GB. I think I just needed to hear someone tell me that, truthfully.

It sounds to me like once you and she broke up, you had full closure of the relationship. You don't have to feel weird about not falling to your knees and screaming "KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNN!" when she's drunk herself to (near) death. On some level, it makes more sense to be broken up about a stranger - at least a stranger never ####ed you over.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Thanks, guys. I have to say it feels good to talk about it. And to hear people say they understand where I coming from.

 

[Sinrman]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

You probably aren't feeling these emotions because you exhausted yourself feeling them long ago and have healed since then. Like scar tissue over an old wound, the feelings underneath the scar tissue just aren't the same, but it doesn't change the pain you felt when you had the wound. Or something.

But a 37 year old dying because of poor choices and addiction to a substance we tend to associate with fun and parties is sad. Sad for her family and friends and sad in general because that is way too young to perish.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Sad story. :(

It is sad. And when I talk to mutual friends about what's going on, I keep saying that. "So sad." I guess I'm sad in the sense that I know she had so much potential. And I'm sad that a human being is dying. But I'm not actually sad about it.

You probably aren't feeling these emotions because you exhausted yourself feeling them long ago and have healed since then. Like scar tissue over an old wound, the feelings underneath the scar tissue just aren't the same, but it doesn't change the pain you felt when you had the wound. Or something.

But a 37 year old dying because of poor choices and addiction to a substance we tend to associate with fun and parties is sad. Sad for her family and friends and sad in general because that is way too young to perish.

 

[Van Dyman]

On some level, it makes more sense to be broken up about a stranger - at least a stranger never ####ed you over.

Good stuff there.

 

[GroveDiesel]

I have a friend who married young and it turned out that the guy was really an alcoholic and gambling addict. They had 4 kids together before she finally left him. He moved back in with his parents, lost his job and ended up on disability. Things got so bad that the judge terminated his visitation due to the kids continually finding alcohol in his room despite the courts ordering him to get help.

His kids hadn't seen him in about 6 months when my friend got a call from his parents that he was in the hospital and wasn't going to make it. Liver and kidneys shut down. He was dead within a couple of days. His parents still won't admit that the alcohol killed him. Sadly they enabled him right up to the end and beyond.

So now my friend has 4 kids without a dad. Sadly, things are actually easier in a lot of ways. He put her and them through a ton of crap. But she's still sad for her kids that now there's NO chance of him getting clean and being a decent dad to them.

So at least be thankful that you didn't have any kids with her. She made her own choices. You tried to do what you could.

 

[Joe Summer]

I fear a similar fate for my best friend from high school. We lost touch after college because he wanted to keep partying every night like it was a frat party. I confronted him once about his drinking and that was enough for him to cut me out of his life. Last I heard he was on his 4th DUI and had lost his job for being drunk at work.

I try to remind myself that he has a disease and that I shouldn't be angry at him. But I also feel like I'm not going to be sad when he dies because the friend that I knew already died 10 years ago.

 

[PatsWillWin]

I have a coupleof ex's that are still FB friends. I just imagined them dying. I didn't care that much. Sad, like you said, but kinda from a distance.

 

[Henry Ford]

I have a coupleof ex's that are still FB friends. I just imagined them dying. I didn't care that much. Sad, like you said, but kinda from a distance.

I just imagined you imagining your ex dying, and I cared even less than you did.

 

[Otis]

You sure do feel a lot about Tiger Woods still.

NTTAWWT

 

[MC Gas Money]

I fear a similar fate for my best friend from high school. We lost touch after college because he wanted to keep partying every night like it was a frat party. I confronted him once about his drinking and that was enough for him to cut me out of his life. Last I heard he was on his 4th DUI and had lost his job for being drunk at work.

I try to remind myself that he has a disease and that I shouldn't be angry at him. But I also feel like I'm not going to be sad when he dies because the friend that I knew already died 10 years ago.

Alcoholism is not a disease

 

[Leviathan]

Terrible. A good friend of mine went through something like this a couple of years ago. It was his younger sister who drank herself to death.

Towards the end, he would visit her at their local hospice. He described to me how her skin and eyes were literally yellow in color because her organs were shutting down.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Sorry to hear about this, IS.

No advice to offer, other than to say that I'm a very "distant" person who doesn't get worked up over death the same way normal people do. I know that and I feel a little guilty about it, so I get why you feel that your own reaction is kind of strange.

 

[General Tso]

Did she ever get married and have kids? Are you sure she is dying? Livers and kidneys can make remarkable recoveries.

 

[James Daulton]

How much do you have to booze to wear out your liver by 37? Jeez, there's tons of 60's rockstars still going strong and they must have partied like, well rockstars.

 

[peaces]

How much do you have to booze to wear out your liver by 37? Jeez, there's tons of 60's rockstars still going strong and they must have partied like, well rockstars.

I was thinking there might be oxy involved...that stuff and booze will destroy the liver quick

 

[Frostillicus]

You monster.

 

[TenTimes]

No idea about that situation but I think like you'd I'd feel worse for her family.

 

[James Daulton]

How much do you have to booze to wear out your liver by 37? Jeez, there's tons of 60's rockstars still going strong and they must have partied like, well rockstars.

I was thinking there might be oxy involved...that stuff and booze will destroy the liver quick

Yea, but still, the rockers probably had that too.

 

[James Daulton]

Oh, and I support you TIS in any position you take. (Except when it comes to weather).

 

[TheIronSheik]

You sure do feel a lot about Tiger Woods still.

NTTAWWT

I'm obsessed with him. I live and die by all of his actions. I thought everyone knew that?

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

You sure do feel a lot about Tiger Woods still.

NTTAWWT

I'm obsessed with him. I live and die by all of his actions. I thought everyone knew that?

You will be comforted to know, then, that he had a healthy, high fiber breakfast this morning and that he did not re-aggravate his wrist injury during the paperwork after his sit down, where, it is reported, his glutes fully activated.

 

[glock]

I have a coupleof ex's that are still FB friends. I just imagined them dying. I didn't care that much. Sad, like you said, but kinda from a distance.

I just imagined you imagining your ex dying, and I cared even less than you did.

:spit-take:

 

[comfortably numb]

It's Friday....can you get to the point in this story where you had a drunken affair with this friend.

Thanks

 

[Guest]

Had a similar situation when I was young I knew everything. And she, a punk who rarely ever took advice. Now I'm guilt-stricken, sobbin' with my head on the floor. Stopped a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, no.

Can't be held responsible. She was touchin' her face. I won't be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place.

 

[jon_mx]

The 'Super Elite' tend not to care about people they use.

 

[beavers]

It wasn't an ex of mine ... But a friend / coworker of mine had a history of ailments (breast cancer, hysterectomy, etc) and was recently in and out of hospitals because of a seizure condition. She said that nobody could find the root cause of and she was not getting better. It was so weird ... she'd call me or text and say things like her leg was getting amputated. Very bizarre stuff and I just thought she had bad luck with her health.. I ran into her one night at a show and she went into a seizure and had to be rushed out of the bar. She even lost her job due to a reduction in headcount. She had fallen one day at work, fell into a wall and broke a few bones in her neck.

After she lost her job and eventually disappeared, the truth emerged. She was a closeted alcoholic for years. Her partner left her not because of a her having a hysterectomy, but because the girl was a hypochroniac alcoholic. She was having seizures because of her alcohol intake. Not because of sports concussions, as she speculated. She lost her job because she showed up at work drunk a couple of times. She is a hypochrondiac hence, why her leg was supposedly getting amputated. In fact, a friend told me a few months ago that she called her up claiming she's been raped then suddenly, she disappeared. It is so bad that the local 911 have her classified as a habitual caller and alcoholic.

I last saw a FB status that she was tagged in a few months ago, from her brother begging people to text her to stay in the hospital. It appears as if she used up every last friend that she had since not many commented on the status. She's very similar in age ... maybe 37?

 

[ClownCausedChaos2]

It's perfectly normal to feel (or not feel) the way you do, here. I think it's the healthy response, actually.

Thanks, GB. I think I just needed to hear someone tell me that, truthfully.

I told him to say that. Ford is such the class clown and everyone thinks he's so funny, that I thought it would be appropriate for him to show a kinder, gentler side. I sent him a PM that said, "Hey, post this is TIS's thread. It'll show that you're a decent guy and not just a one-trick pony out to get a cheap laugh." I'm glad to see he took my advice. This thread isn't about me, though. It's about Ford. It's about you too, but to a much lesser degree.

(I absolutely agree with him.)

 

[Fat Nick]

If you could die from just being a b#### or being bat #### crazy, I'd have probably 2-3 ex's on their death bed. To be completely honest, I wouldn't feel that badly about it either if that was a realstic thing. You did what you could, you moved on. It's sad, sure, but I don't think it's wrong to not feel vested in a past relationship that ended.

 

[eoMMan]

Any nudes?

 

[Quez]

How much do you have to booze to wear out your liver by 37? Jeez, there's tons of 60's rockstars still going strong and they must have partied like, well rockstars.

I was thinking there might be oxy involved...that stuff and booze will destroy the liver quick

Yea, but still, the rockers probably had that too.

Maybe she was using steroids while drinking.

 

[pats3in4]

You moved on. She's a memory from a closed chapter in your life. Feeling the way you do about her makes sense to me in that context.

 

[kentric]

Had something similar. We met at work and we started dating when I switched companies. At the time I was a wild party animal, so our drinking with friends was a nightly event. When things started getting more serious between us and I was working longer hours I'd come home sober and she'd be trashed. I realized that she was putting down quite a bit of wine every night. I became a bit more critical of her drinking and she'd get pissed off at me for pointing out that she had a problem. When I indicated I couldn't live in that environment she promised she'd give it up. At first I thought maybe she had until I'd find alcohol in various places (a glass under the couch, a bottle in the dirty laundry hamper, booze in the trunk of her car. We ended up breaking up as I didn't want to invest further into our relationship. A few years later she indicated she was off the booze.

Bottom line in relationships with alcoholics. You can't change them. They need to first see they have a problem and want to address it. Without that, you're just working around the problem.