Bad situation. Blind friend wants to leave her boyfriend, but is afraid of him. (1 Viewer)

[Dennis Castro]

Jan is a forty-something, totally blind lady living in Pennsylvania who wants to end a relationship with her (fully sighted) boyfriend Dean. They have been together for several years, and although he has his own place an hour or so away, he has effectively been living in her house for some time now. He has a job at a supermarket in her town and has changed his address to hers. I guess that means they are effectively married by common-law, whatever that means. 

Now Dean has always been a little rough around the edges compared to Jan, who has a very good well-paying job, owns her own house and is an adherent to to clean living. The problem is, but over the last few years, he seems to have given up any pretense of being a decent human being. He drinks a lot, and I mean a lot. We were talking 12 - 14 beers by 2 PM on his days off. On workdays, he starts when he gets home and in any case drinks until he passes out. Every single day. He has absolutely destroyed her good credit, contributes nothing, and has gotten to be verbally abusive.

She wants out, but there are some issues. For one, she is blind and is honestly afraid to confront him. Even if he weren’t to ever strike her, which is within the realm of possibility according to her, she is quite sure he would go on a rampage of some sort that would at least leave her house and possessions in a very bad way. Just changing the locks and disappearing for a few days is out of the question for the same reason. She has preemptively talked to the police, but there’s nothing they can do in terms of having her back unless Dean causes real trouble. 

She knows that I frequent the FFA and has asked me to look for advice on how to move forward. She doesn’t know how or if she can legally evict him or take some other measure given that they have the same address. If there are any lawyers in the house or anyone else who has insight into this sort of thing, Jan and I are all ears. As I said, she is afraid for her safety, and honestly, she is really sweet and cripplingly afraid of confrontation, which is why she has allowed this to go on so long. 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I guess that means they are effectively married by common-law, whatever that means. 

Pennsylvania does not recognise common law marriage.

Call these folks at once.  They know what to do.  

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Good luck.

Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.  Please be safe.

 

[rockaction]

I do not know what to do. I just want to say that if she's reading this, listen to Mrs. R. and proceed with caution. Perhaps there are friends or co-workers that can help defuse any situation that might come up. We're all wishing you the best here. This situation sounds unlivable and I hope it is solved without issue or loss of property.

Best of luck.

 

[Punxsutawney Phil]

What a scumbag. 

 

[eoMMan]

I do not know what to do. I just want to say that if she's reading this

 

[rockaction]

Having somebody read it to her. Presumably, that's what Dennis Castro is doing. I hope she finds the solution or some help here.

 

[Courtjester]

12-14 beers?? Lightweight......

Seriously, she has to just tell him he needs to go back to living at his place or anywhere else because she has had enough. If he does not go, then she needs to wait for him to get good and drunk and then ask him again. He will probably get belligerent and verbally abusive. She has to make sure she has 911 preemptively dialed. Phone call made. Police arrive and find drunken (probably) combative dude and poor, blind distraught woman. He goes to jail. Usually a mandatory protection order goes in place, Problem solved. But then she can't break down and take him back.

 

[Dennis Castro]

Having somebody read it to her. Presumably, that's what Dennis Castro is doing. I hope she finds the solution or some help here.

Actually, she has screen reading software for her laptop and even her iPhone. It’s pretty amazing how far adaptive technology has come, particularly in the hands of a savvy user.

 

[Chemical X]

maybe reach out to a local women’s org for help.  doesn’t each state have a resource hotline for someone in an abusive relationship?  

 

[Ron Swanson]

...Jan and I are all ears... 

I see what you did there.

Seriously, follow Mrs. R's advice.

 

[Manster]

I've had a similar sitch in my fam......these leeches will ride the gravy train as long as possible.  

Can she confront him to move out with backup?  Like some male family members?  He needs "motivation" to see that he needs to move on

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

12-14 beers?? Lightweight......

Seriously, she has to just tell him he needs to go back to living at his place or anywhere else because she has had enough. If he does not go, then she needs to wait for him to get good and drunk and then ask him again. He will probably get belligerent and verbally abusive. She has to make sure she has 911 preemptively dialed. Phone call made. Police arrive and find drunken (probably) combative dude and poor, blind distraught woman. He goes to jail. Usually a mandatory protection order goes in place, Problem solved. But then she can't break down and take him back.

Every single thing you said is wrong.

DC, ignore all of this unless you want your friend dead.

 

[rockaction]

Every single thing you said is wrong.

DC, ignore all of this unless you want your friend dead.

Did he actually try to give advice and have it wind up that bad or is that trolling? I honestly can't tell.

Jesus Christ.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Looks like trolling to me.  Go ahead and report it.  I did.

 

[Dr. Octopus]

Looks like trolling to me.  Go ahead and report it.  I did.

Honestly, I think he just didn't quite think that through. I think his intentions were in the right place. 

 

[timschochet]

Actually, she has screen reading software for her laptop and even her iPhone. It’s pretty amazing how far adaptive technology has come, particularly in the hands of a savvy user.

Not to detract from a very serious subject (and I think @Mrs. Rannous has given you very sound advice) but the above is very cool. 

 

[The General]

Pennsylvania does not recognise common law marriage.

Call these folks at once.  They know what to do.  

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Good luck.

Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.  Please be safe.

This sounds like the way to go, they will know who to talk.

Good luck to your friend.

 

[Courtjester]

I woke up this morning to find Mrs R’s response and I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t put more thought and  insight into my post. I typed something quick as I was leaving for dinner and now upon reading it, it is insensitive and lacking in substance for what I should have said. 
As someone who has been a part of thousands of domestic violence cases over the past 25 years and having had two sisters go through violence in their own relationships, it is a subject close  to my heart. 
What I should have said is we know Jan has gone to the police. As with many DV victims, the police won’t act on what “might” happen. They only respond to what “has” happened. With no acts of physically violence present, they are going to be hesitant to do much. As such, her chances of getting a TRO is probably zero. I watched my sister go through this exact scenario several times. 

Dean is living there. He gets mail there.  The police are going to treat him as a cohabitant. Being drunk in your own house isn’t a crime, so they won’t do much with that. She is the home owner, so she may have civil remedies to evict him, but with the Covid morotorium, evictions are either not being processed or are extremely delayed. So this doesn’t help remedy her situation. 
All and all the suggestion to consult with one of the above listed professional agencies is her best recourse. 
Again I apologize to anyone I offended and I will show myself the door on this thread. 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Thank you for clearing that up.

Sorry your family went through that.

 

[Dennis Castro]

Thanks to everyone who responded. It looks like I’ll be making a trip up to where she lives on Friday to stand behind her while she kicks him to the curb. It’s a ten hour drive, so I’m bringing a friend with hopes that our mere presence will be enough to encourage Dean to keep things civil. We have to blindside him when he gets home from work so he’ll be sober, especially since being an avid hunter, he has firearms in the house. I wouldn’t expect that last part to be a concern though either way. 

I’ve told Jan that I want her to lay out the plan to the smallest detail, from knowing exactly what she is going to say to where we should all be standing. She also has to decide on whether to pack him a bag to keep him from having to go past us or just call an audible on that when the time comes. My friend and I will stay at a hotel on Friday and Saturday nights, do the confrontation on Sunday, and then stay with Jan until we have to drive back on Wednesday. 

That’s the plan anyway. 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Best of luck to you and her.

 

[Snotbubbles]

Every single thing you said is wrong.

DC, ignore all of this unless you want your friend dead.

Was thinking the same thing.  A protection order does nothing for her safety.  

 

[Jaysus]

We have to blindside him when he gets home from work so he’ll be sober

This is shtick, right?

P.S. what part of the state?

 

[Dennis Castro]

@Jaysus Smack dab in the middle. We’re going up a day early because there’s an event on Saturday I’d like to go to since I’ll be in town. 

 

[Cowboysfan8]

@Jaysus Smack dab in the middle. We’re going up a day early because there’s an event on Saturday I’d like to go to since I’ll be in town. 

That’s kinda my neck of the woods

 

[Nick Vermeil]

That’s kinda my neck of the woods

:Cowboysfan8putsdown13thbeerofthedayandwonderswherehisgirlfriendwentwithoutherdog:

 

[Nick Vermeil]

Seriously though.  Tough story. I hope your friend has other good friends that live closer than you do.  She'll need some ongoing support to be sure.  

 

[Dennis Castro]

Seriously though.  Tough story. I hope your friend has other good friends that live closer than you do.  She'll need some ongoing support to be sure.  

She ought to be OK - she is pretty resilient. If anything, I’m just worried about her living on her own – not for safety reasons or anything like that, but for being lonely. It’s sort of telling that even though she knows plenty of people in town on some level, she still came to me for help with this deal. 

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Punted to Friday. I like it. 
 

:subscribe:

 

[GroveDiesel]

That’s kinda my neck of the woods

You’re not dating a blind girl are you? Cause if so, I think it may be ending sooner that you think.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Was thinking the same thing.  A protection order does nothing for her safety.  

This got resolved later.  Keep reading.

 

[Caveman33]

She ought to be OK - she is pretty resilient. If anything, I’m just worried about her living on her own – not for safety reasons or anything like that, but for being lonely. It’s sort of telling that even though she knows plenty of people in town on some level, she still came to me for help with this deal. 

What is the legality behind kicking him out without an eviction?  The guy sounds like a real dirtbag.  Good luck blindsiding him.  I hope Jan can fill her time with other stuff or she may get lonely and take him back.