Blocking your wife on your phone (1 Viewer)

[Dentist]

That's part of our problem, no money to hide.

ugh.

is it an offense or defense problem with money?   or both?

 

[dutch]

Both.  I am the only bread winner and we both have bad habits that don't help the financial cause.

 

[=Smackdown=]

we both have bad habits that don't help the financial cause.

 

[matuski]

hookers and blo?

 

[James Daulton]

hookers and blo?

What do you think his bad habits are?

 

[=Smackdown=]

hookers and blo?

Maybe she just buys lots and lots of shoes?

 

[Jaysus]

More hookers and blow..;. for both of you.... at the same time. 

 

[FUBAR]

I did it once....by accident.

No, seriously, it was an accident.

Good Luck trying to explain it when you do it on purpose.

Now this, I've done.  Muted the texts. 

I asked her why she didn't text me (I forget why but I was expecting a text from her), only to find she had a few times.

 

[[icon]]

Although, part of the block is to make the texts invisible as well.  Those are worse than the vms.  They go on and on and on...

I don't have VM enabled on my phone for this reason. You have something to say and I don't answer? Text/Email me. 

It's REALLY nice not having to listen to rambling bull#### voicemails from anyone 

 

[NutterButter]

No kids?   

 

[tommyboy]

Great, now she got through to my work# and left e detailed message about her calls going straight into vm.  She wants to know why I turned my phone off and accused me of doing it to not talk with her.  Very perceptive that one.  Anyway, the receptionist is to tell my beloved, if she calls again, that I'm out at a meeting and won't be back until after 4:00.  Hopefully that stops her in her tracks.  

I do have to go home at some point so I'm trying to figure out an exit strategy for this setup.

At what point did she decide you are her possession and that she should have uninterrupted access to you 24/7?

I would just tell her to #### off

 

[Dentist]

I don't have VM enabled on my phone for this reason. You have something to say and I don't answer? Text/Email me. 

It's REALLY nice not having to listen to rambling bull#### voicemails from anyone 

is that why people don't have that set up?

man, it makes confirming appointments a real hassle when people have no voice mail and don't ever answer

 

[[icon]]

is that why people don't have that set up?

man, it makes confirming appointments a real hassle when people have no voice mail and don't ever answer

I show up for my appointments, guy. 



Seriously though... one of the best things I never did. I waste enough of my life clearing out emails. No way I'm dealing with the time suck of voicemail too

 

[Dentist]

Yes, and I know it and have tried to get her to go out more but her mobility issues, fatigue and emotional dark cloud keep her from wanting to go places.  She does have some phone and email friends but that just leads to her calling/texting me to fill me in on the latest.  She is better about calling me at the office but she can't seem to stop texting me thinking that I can choose when to read them but not realizing that even getting them is a distraction.

this sounds truly terrible.

It basically sounds her life is miserable and you just can't fix an unhappy person...  i realize it can be tough when you are medically compromised and broke to have much life enjoyment... but on some level you either accept things as they are and make the best of it, or you just are a miserable wretch and want to take the world (you) down with it.

 

[sbonomo]

Great, now she got through to my work# and left e detailed message about her calls going straight into vm.  She wants to know why I turned my phone off and accused me of doing it to not talk with her.  Very perceptive that one.  Anyway, the receptionist is to tell my beloved, if she calls again, that I'm out at a meeting and won't be back until after 4:00.  Hopefully that stops her in her tracks.  

I do have to go home at some point so I'm trying to figure out an exit strategy for this setup.

How do you live like this?  I thought my wife was a psycho for going through my phone.  

 

[dutch]

Just to clarify, I don't get calls through my office number often but when we have one of our blowouts she'll do whatever it takes to get through to me.  Thus if I ignore or block her calls on my cell she moves on to that next.  She is persistent, that much is true.  And annoying.

Anyway, we talked a bit a go and the groundwork is laid for a less stressful home coming.  We're still not in a hugging mood but at least I'll be able to drink my beer and watch the Mavs-Warriors game in peace.  After we watch an episode of Daredevil of course.

 

[pats3in4]

Not at all, but if you know what is and isn't a fire starter you sometimes choose your battles.  This particular issue added to what transpired this morning isn't worth the effort if I want sanity this weekend.  We'll cool down before I get home and we'll talk more calmly and try and forgive and move on.

Calling/texting you at work is a behavior.  While you have no control over her thought process behind the behavior, you do have control over the behavior itself.  You can make that behavior become extinct if you're up for it.

Tell her you do not wish to discuss your issues via phone or text while at work.  She will bark at you for trying to change her behavior.  Tell her you understand she has a different view and perhaps even a good reason, but still...you've made your decision.

When she calls/texts to test your boundary you've set, hold firm.  She will bark at you when you get home, probably stepping up her game.  This is called an extinction burst.  Do not argue with her, do not justify your decision, do not explain your decision, do not defend your decision.  Reaffirm that this is your decision and you are not changing it.  She may continue to test the boundary multiple times over multiple days, with each extinction burst to get you to relent being stronger than the one before.  Do not give in or you will be sending a message that your boundaries are ultimately breakable.  If the extinction bursts are abusive, tell her you will not tolerate the abuse and will be leaving the house (another boundary...no tolerance for abuse), then leave the house...every time the abuse happens.

If your wife doesn't suffer some kind of personality disorder, her behavior *will* change.  She might think you're the biggest richard for setting the boundaries you do, but she'll respect the boundaries since you wouldn't let her break them.  Save her judgment for a topic in a therapy session.

 

[psychobillies]

Calling/texting you at work is a behavior.  While you have no control over her thought process behind the behavior, you do have control over the behavior itself.  You can make that behavior become extinct if you're up for it.

Tell her you do not wish to discuss your issues via phone or text while at work.  She will bark at you for trying to change her behavior.  Tell her you understand she has a different view and perhaps even a good reason, but still...you've made your decision.

When she calls/texts to test your boundary you've set, hold firm.  She will bark at you when you get home, probably stepping up her game.  This is called an extinction burst.  Do not argue with her, do not justify your decision, do not explain your decision, do not defend your decision.  Reaffirm that this is your decision and you are not changing it.  She may continue to test the boundary multiple times over multiple days, with each extinction burst to get you to relent being stronger than the one before.  Do not give in or you will be sending a message that your boundaries are ultimately breakable.  If the extinction bursts are abusive, tell her you will not tolerate the abuse and will be leaving the house (another boundary...no tolerance for abuse), then leave the house...every time the abuse happens.

If your wife doesn't suffer some kind of personality disorder, her behavior *will* change.  She might think you're the biggest richard for setting the boundaries you do, but she'll respect the boundaries since you wouldn't let her break them.  Save her judgment for a topic in a therapy session.

Like training a puppy.

 

[dutch]

Calling/texting you at work is a behavior.  While you have no control over her thought process behind the behavior, you do have control over the behavior itself.  You can make that behavior become extinct if you're up for it.

Tell her you do not wish to discuss your issues via phone or text while at work.  She will bark at you for trying to change her behavior.  Tell her you understand she has a different view and perhaps even a good reason, but still...you've made your decision.

When she calls/texts to test your boundary you've set, hold firm.  She will bark at you when you get home, probably stepping up her game.  This is called an extinction burst.  Do not argue with her, do not justify your decision, do not explain your decision, do not defend your decision.  Reaffirm that this is your decision and you are not changing it.  She may continue to test the boundary multiple times over multiple days, with each extinction burst to get you to relent being stronger than the one before.  Do not give in or you will be sending a message that your boundaries are ultimately breakable.  If the extinction bursts are abusive, tell her you will not tolerate the abuse and will be leaving the house (another boundary...no tolerance for abuse), then leave the house...every time the abuse happens.

If your wife doesn't suffer some kind of personality disorder, her behavior *will* change.  She might think you're the biggest richard for setting the boundaries you do, but she'll respect the boundaries since you wouldn't let her break them.  Save her judgment for a topic in a therapy session.

This is promising.  We'll see how it goes.

 

[pats3in4]

This is promising.  We'll see how it goes.

The key is to be as direct...and calm...as possible during the extinction bursts.  If she wants to begin a shouting match, calmly tell her, "I understand you're upset.  I don't like seeing you upset.  But yelling about this is only going to get us angrier.  I'm going to take a walk to calm down.  I'll be back in a while."  Then go for that walk.  Don't try to quietly escape, or don't angrily stomp down the hallway and slam the door on the way out.  Avoid any passive-aggressive behavior.  Set and enforce your boundaries with dignity.

 

[dutch]

Yeah, part of the issue on my side is my inability to not get pulled into the back and forth.  It is often the case that I show up with a can of gas and once I've reached my threshold I pour liberally.  I've taken the calm, direct route before and it does work but my god, when we get to button pushing my self-control gives way to my inner Trump and **BAM!** away we go.  She has two items in particular that she knows will set me off and for whatever reason I take the bait just about every time.

 

[pats3in4]

Yeah, part of the issue on my side is my inability to not get pulled into the back and forth.  It is often the case that I show up with a can of gas and once I've reached my threshold I pour liberally.  I've taken the calm, direct route before and it does work but my god, when we get to button pushing my self-control gives way to my inner Trump and **BAM!** away we go.  She has two items in particular that she knows will set me off and for whatever reason I take the bait just about every time.

Pat yourself on the back for knowing your shortcomings in your dynamic with her.  You are ahead of the game vs. lots of other dysfunctional marriages out there.

On the two buttons she knows set you off: Practice a response to them.  Then be ready for them to be pushed when in conflict, with the attitude "She's just looking to push my buttons.  Don't get roped in."

 

[captain_amazing]

I don't have VM enabled on my phone for this reason. You have something to say and I don't answer? Text/Email me. 

It's REALLY nice not having to listen to rambling bull#### voicemails from anyone 

VM transcription down?

I mean, we're FBGs, not poor schlubs who have time to listen to VMs.

 

[tommyboy]

Yeah, part of the issue on my side is my inability to not get pulled into the back and forth.  It is often the case that I show up with a can of gas and once I've reached my threshold I pour liberally.  I've taken the calm, direct route before and it does work but my god, when we get to button pushing my self-control gives way to my inner Trump and **BAM!** away we go.  She has two items in particular that she knows will set me off and for whatever reason I take the bait just about every time.

would you yell at a mentally ######ed person for saying something stupid to you?  probably not.   Just pretend she's mentally ######ed and it'll all make sense.

 

[msommer]

Yeah, part of the issue on my side is my inability to not get pulled into the back and forth.  It is often the case that I show up with a can of gas and once I've reached my threshold I pour liberally.  I've taken the calm, direct route before and it does work but my god, when we get to button pushing my self-control gives way to my inner Trump and **BAM!** away we go.  She has two items in particular that she knows will set me off and for whatever reason I take the bait just about every time.

Go on....

 

[comfortably numb]

Raise the pimp hand?

 

[Dragons]

She doesn't appreciate that too much and she'll tell me that I am being overly sensitive about others caring about our issues.  Boggles my mind.

Others caring about your issues? How about your boss caring about wether you're doing your job?

 

[shadyridr]

Yeah, part of the issue on my side is my inability to not get pulled into the back and forth.  It is often the case that I show up with a can of gas and once I've reached my threshold I pour liberally.  I've taken the calm, direct route before and it does work but my god, when we get to button pushing my self-control gives way to my inner Trump and **BAM!** away we go.  She has two items in particular that she knows will set me off and for whatever reason I take the bait just about every time.

Tiny penis and?

 

[FUBAR]

would you yell at a mentally ######ed person for saying something stupid to you?  probably not.   Just pretend she's mentally ######ed and it'll all make sense.

This is fantastic advice for any situation. 

 

[dparker713]

Sorry to hear about the MS.

I just know that the coworkers I have whose wives don't work, their wives call them all day about the most inane ####.  I don't mean to imply that being a stay-at-home-mom isn't a job, because it is, but I mean at actual go-to-work, can't-take-personal-calls-all-day job.  Does she get a lot of interaction with other people her age?  Is part of the problem that she has no outlet other than calling/texting you?

I finid this somewhat ironic considering how much time many of us spend on this board.

 

[Paulymaggs]

The Mrs. and I are going through a very rough stretch where we often tear into one another and are plain ol' beetchy and mean to each other.  This morning we got into before I left for work and when I got to the office I decided to block her number from my phone so I don't have to read her incessant texts or listen to her unpleasant  vms.  Any one else ever  block their spouse/significant other just to keep them at arms length for a bit?

Probably done with her if we ever get to this point.