Bull Dozier
Footballguy
This topic is my attempt to stop hijacking other threads and keep all my comments on this subject here.
TL;DR: My mother in law moved into my house around April 2013. It was supposed to be for 4-5 months. She's still there, and she drives me crazy.
Full story: my in-laws "retired" around April 2013. They had spent most of their adult lives as apartment managers. She would work in the office, renting apartments. He would be the general maintenance man. Normally they were also provided with an apartment as part of their pay. Thus, they never acquired much real estate. Thus, when they "retired" (why I keep putting that in quotes later), they built and owned a house for the first time. They did own the land they built on (it previously had an old train caboose, yes, a train caboose on it that they used as a cabin). I'm not really sure how they swung the financing on the house. I suspect they paid cash for a significant percentage, since their intention at the time was to fully retire, but I do know they have a mortgage to some degree.
The house was finally ready, and my father in law was ready to move up immediately. At the time he was the maintenance man at an apartment complex that was providing their housing. My mother in law was working in the office of a different complex (they hadn't worked at the same complex for several years at this point). Once the house was finished, he put in his notice and they moved their stuff up there. My mother in law wanted to/needed to continue to work. I have since learned she needs to keep working to be able to afford medical insurance/premiums. She asked if she could stay with for a short period of time while she looked for a job closer to their new house. We live in the Twin Cities, their new house is about one and a half to two hour drive north. She wanted to stay with us M-F, then drive up and spend the weekend up north. She assured us it wouldn't last past October (2013), because she would be driving up after work on Fridays, and didn't want to do the drive in the dark or through snow.
My wife, knowing that her MIL and I didn't get along all that well anyway, tentatively asked if she could stay with us. I said of course she could stay with us. I could bite my tongue and put up with whatever for a few months, and she is family, and you don't say no to family. That was my mistake.
For a while, the situation was tolerable, but generally annoying. Our kids at the time were 9, 11 and 15. We had a pretty set routine, but adding one more person to the house just takes adjustment. Small things like having one more person in the morning needing bathroom time isn't the end of the world, but is something people need to adjust to. In the evening, my MIL doesn't do anything other than camp in front of the TV. That turns out to be one of my biggest pet peeves, but more on that later.
She never once said a word of appreciate to me for letting her move in. She once brought home a meal for the family to have together, some frozen ravioli, sauce, garlic bread (that might all sound fine and good but she is diabetic, but refuses to listen to my wife about how she should not be eating that many carbs based on her doctor orders. So, not the end of the world, but again, annoying). This was the only time she has joined us for a meal because during the meal we got into an argument. She wanted to tell us about some hair brained revisionist history/cockamamie religious story, probably having to do with how American Indians religion was actually Christian or something like that (I actually have no idea but that's the kind of thing she finds fascinating). Since it was a discussion, I told her what I thought about her story (that it was bs, but I said it in a conversational way) and she got all pissy because she should be able to tell us some story without "getting the third degree and need to defend it." I'm sorry, but if you're going to tell some crazy story to my kids and pass it off as history, I'm going to at least throw it out there that it isn't true. She never brought home supper again.
The only thing she brought home after that were treats. It started as occasional, ice cream sandwiches sometimes. A few weeks later she brought sherbet. A few weeks later doughnuts. No big deal. Well, then eventually it was every week and not just one thing, a whole grocery bag full of junk food. My wife works hard to stay in shape but like a lot of people, has trouble with self control with a smorgasbord of junk food in front of her. My daughter struggles with her weight, and will eat any junk food in the house. My boys have no issues with weight, but we certainly don't want them eating junk food every day. So, we asked her, please don't bring so many treats so often. It stopped for a short time, maybe a few weeks, but then she brought something again. OK, once in a while won't be a big deal. Then it was weekly again. Then another conversation. Then it stops again, then starts again. It is to the point now that she brings it into the house and hides it. Whenever I find it (and I can tell if it is something my wife would buy or if it was my MIL) I just throw it in the trash. Again, this isn't the biggest deal in the world, but considering she is staying rent free, appreciation free, I expect her to at least respect our wishes on small things like this.
A little bit about why we don't get along is probably in order. First, she is a bit eccentric. She has some interesting ideas, and if she had the slightest bit of consideration for other people she might actually be fun. However, she has no interest in allowing anyone else to have an idea or input on what is being done. She wants to do what she thinks is fun and doesn't care a lick what anyone else thinks. If someone voices a different opinion, or tries to change, she gets pissy (her default is to be passive aggressive, which is just loads of fun). Here's an example, one evening she wanted to take my step daughter shopping. My step daughter doesn't love spending time with her, but my MIL bribed her with also taking her out to eat at my step daughters favorite restaurant. She couldn't turn that down, so out they went. They get to the restaurant and my MIL says "I'm not hungry enough to eat a full meal, let's share something." My step daughter (let's call her Amy) reluctantly agrees, but says "can we share the ravioli? That's my favorite." My MIL (let's call her El Diablo) says "how about the chicken parm?" Amy says "I don't like the chicken parm. Can I just get the ravioli and you just eat what you want of the chicken parm at we can take leftovers home?" El Diablo complains because "she really wanted to share something" (money is not an issue as long as she has plastic). When the waiter comes, El Diablo orders for the both of them, not even giving Amy a chance to order. They of course are going to share the chicken parm. Needless to say, they haven't gone shopping again together.
She also has zero tact in giving away spoilers in TV shows, books, movies. Even when you tell her. We watched Rescue Me exclusively on Netflix a couple of years ago, so we were always a year behind. She kept asking what we thought about this or that, giving away what was going on currently. Every time she would mention it, we'd jump in and tell her not to ruin it for us and she would just laugh. Fortunately we were so behind that we forgot what she had told us. But, one time she gave me this 1000+ page epic novel. It was actually interested to read. I read it all the time, but with small kids, I didn't have a whole lot of time so it took me a while. Every time I saw her though she wanted an update on what I thought and where I was. At one point, I was about 2/3 of the way through (but still have a whole lot of book to go) instead of asking where I am she says "are you to the part to where (I can't remember his name, but father of the family and main character) dies?" Are you f'n kidding me?!? No, I am not there yet, but thanks for ruining a major plotline of the book for me.
In her defense, she does occasionally try to share an interest. My boys and I all love sports, so for their birthdays, she gets them tickets. She has gotten my older son Gopher basketball tickets which is generous of her. Gifts from her are a whole other subject deserving of its own thread, so I'll address that later. But, when a game is on TV she feels the need to watch it with me to "bond." Of course, she's watching it for completely different reasons. She has to tell me all about the kid from Eagan, and how he came back home because his brother was sick. Or the 13th kid on the team who is a walk on and his mom's cousin’s first wife's uncle's neighbor came in to look at an apartment today. Or how the backup wing who gets 2 minutes a game has a girl friend who is a cheerleader and isn't that cute. Or how the assistant coach used to go to Podunk U and that is where El Diablo's friends grandson took a tour at but isn't going to go there because his girlfriend broke up with him and they took a tour together so it will just remind him of her so he is going to look at Podunk State instead but he's not sure he wants to go their either because he wanted to major in journalism and their journalism school isn't the best but he might want to be a social worker instead except thats what his girlfriend’s mom did so that’s a whole other story. And when she finally takes a breath from that story and can't think of something to say, she'll start reading the display on the screen. And this is no exaggeration. There was a whole 30 seconds of silence, and she starts saying "ok, so it is 43-37 and there's twelve minutes left....24 seconds left on, is that the shot clock?"
I could go on and on but might as well bring it to the present. Due to the various conflicts and people just generally getting on each other’s nerves, and my relationship with my wife starting to deteriorate over the stress, my wife finally had a conversation with El Diablo last October or November. That is when she claimed she couldn't stop working until she found a job that pays her full benefits. Of course where their house is, in the middle of out state MN there are little to no opportunities. She is completely unrealistic and has crazy ideas of how she's going to get a job in the health care field up there as new clinics are opening up (she has zero experience, and can't even operate a computer to be a person working at the front desk of a clinic), or she's going to be a paraprofessional in a school (though she never actually applies for any openings when a school would be looking to hire), or her last idea of opening up a Laundromat up in her little Podunk town. Anyway, my wife made it clear that this couldn't be an indefinite situation and she needed to figure something out eventually, and sooner rather than later.
At first she appeared to be looking and would mention something here or there about what she was looking at as far as jobs. Then that tailed off and it appeared another conversation was needed. But, my wife didn't want to make "the holidays" uncomfortable so she waited until recently to confront her again. So about two weeks ago, she sits her down again and makes a stronger statement that she needs to find another situation. If she can't find a job by her house, then she needs to do something else. Either get a discounted apartment from her complex, find a roommate, or commute. El Diablo is adamant that she can't afford to do any of those things. My wife doesn't back down and then El Diablo, in a desperate attempt at guilt says "maybe I can find a friend who will let me stay on their couch." To her credit, my wife doesn't bite and just says "fine."
This was on a Thursday. She leaves early on Friday and we don't see her until the following Monday when, wait for it, she pulls up in a brand new car. Her lease was up on the old car she was driving, and instead of buying something maybe a little more economical, she leases a brand new Toyota Rav4 (I have no idea what leases on these go for, or what terms she got, but I know she was way over miles on her last lease and the way she talked about that deal I know she got raked over the coals). For comparison sake, my wife drives a 06 Sienna and I drive a 99 Camry. I haven't driven a brand new car since I bought a new car with my first job out of college.
That was pretty much the last straw for me. I haven't spoken to her other than a "yes" "no" or "I don't know" since.
I'll update as things continue to pop up, or as I remember classic stories. Feel free to post your comments or questions, but this is mainly a place for me to vent. I realize that some of this makes me look like less than the most accepting person, but I don't think I can truly convey how frustrating of a person she is, even when she is not living with you. I know other people who have lost their parents have said things like "oh, what I wouldn't give to have my mother back in my life" but they just don't get this is nothing like a typical parent/grandparent relationship.
TL;DR: My mother in law moved into my house around April 2013. It was supposed to be for 4-5 months. She's still there, and she drives me crazy.
Full story: my in-laws "retired" around April 2013. They had spent most of their adult lives as apartment managers. She would work in the office, renting apartments. He would be the general maintenance man. Normally they were also provided with an apartment as part of their pay. Thus, they never acquired much real estate. Thus, when they "retired" (why I keep putting that in quotes later), they built and owned a house for the first time. They did own the land they built on (it previously had an old train caboose, yes, a train caboose on it that they used as a cabin). I'm not really sure how they swung the financing on the house. I suspect they paid cash for a significant percentage, since their intention at the time was to fully retire, but I do know they have a mortgage to some degree.
The house was finally ready, and my father in law was ready to move up immediately. At the time he was the maintenance man at an apartment complex that was providing their housing. My mother in law was working in the office of a different complex (they hadn't worked at the same complex for several years at this point). Once the house was finished, he put in his notice and they moved their stuff up there. My mother in law wanted to/needed to continue to work. I have since learned she needs to keep working to be able to afford medical insurance/premiums. She asked if she could stay with for a short period of time while she looked for a job closer to their new house. We live in the Twin Cities, their new house is about one and a half to two hour drive north. She wanted to stay with us M-F, then drive up and spend the weekend up north. She assured us it wouldn't last past October (2013), because she would be driving up after work on Fridays, and didn't want to do the drive in the dark or through snow.
My wife, knowing that her MIL and I didn't get along all that well anyway, tentatively asked if she could stay with us. I said of course she could stay with us. I could bite my tongue and put up with whatever for a few months, and she is family, and you don't say no to family. That was my mistake.
For a while, the situation was tolerable, but generally annoying. Our kids at the time were 9, 11 and 15. We had a pretty set routine, but adding one more person to the house just takes adjustment. Small things like having one more person in the morning needing bathroom time isn't the end of the world, but is something people need to adjust to. In the evening, my MIL doesn't do anything other than camp in front of the TV. That turns out to be one of my biggest pet peeves, but more on that later.
She never once said a word of appreciate to me for letting her move in. She once brought home a meal for the family to have together, some frozen ravioli, sauce, garlic bread (that might all sound fine and good but she is diabetic, but refuses to listen to my wife about how she should not be eating that many carbs based on her doctor orders. So, not the end of the world, but again, annoying). This was the only time she has joined us for a meal because during the meal we got into an argument. She wanted to tell us about some hair brained revisionist history/cockamamie religious story, probably having to do with how American Indians religion was actually Christian or something like that (I actually have no idea but that's the kind of thing she finds fascinating). Since it was a discussion, I told her what I thought about her story (that it was bs, but I said it in a conversational way) and she got all pissy because she should be able to tell us some story without "getting the third degree and need to defend it." I'm sorry, but if you're going to tell some crazy story to my kids and pass it off as history, I'm going to at least throw it out there that it isn't true. She never brought home supper again.
The only thing she brought home after that were treats. It started as occasional, ice cream sandwiches sometimes. A few weeks later she brought sherbet. A few weeks later doughnuts. No big deal. Well, then eventually it was every week and not just one thing, a whole grocery bag full of junk food. My wife works hard to stay in shape but like a lot of people, has trouble with self control with a smorgasbord of junk food in front of her. My daughter struggles with her weight, and will eat any junk food in the house. My boys have no issues with weight, but we certainly don't want them eating junk food every day. So, we asked her, please don't bring so many treats so often. It stopped for a short time, maybe a few weeks, but then she brought something again. OK, once in a while won't be a big deal. Then it was weekly again. Then another conversation. Then it stops again, then starts again. It is to the point now that she brings it into the house and hides it. Whenever I find it (and I can tell if it is something my wife would buy or if it was my MIL) I just throw it in the trash. Again, this isn't the biggest deal in the world, but considering she is staying rent free, appreciation free, I expect her to at least respect our wishes on small things like this.
A little bit about why we don't get along is probably in order. First, she is a bit eccentric. She has some interesting ideas, and if she had the slightest bit of consideration for other people she might actually be fun. However, she has no interest in allowing anyone else to have an idea or input on what is being done. She wants to do what she thinks is fun and doesn't care a lick what anyone else thinks. If someone voices a different opinion, or tries to change, she gets pissy (her default is to be passive aggressive, which is just loads of fun). Here's an example, one evening she wanted to take my step daughter shopping. My step daughter doesn't love spending time with her, but my MIL bribed her with also taking her out to eat at my step daughters favorite restaurant. She couldn't turn that down, so out they went. They get to the restaurant and my MIL says "I'm not hungry enough to eat a full meal, let's share something." My step daughter (let's call her Amy) reluctantly agrees, but says "can we share the ravioli? That's my favorite." My MIL (let's call her El Diablo) says "how about the chicken parm?" Amy says "I don't like the chicken parm. Can I just get the ravioli and you just eat what you want of the chicken parm at we can take leftovers home?" El Diablo complains because "she really wanted to share something" (money is not an issue as long as she has plastic). When the waiter comes, El Diablo orders for the both of them, not even giving Amy a chance to order. They of course are going to share the chicken parm. Needless to say, they haven't gone shopping again together.
She also has zero tact in giving away spoilers in TV shows, books, movies. Even when you tell her. We watched Rescue Me exclusively on Netflix a couple of years ago, so we were always a year behind. She kept asking what we thought about this or that, giving away what was going on currently. Every time she would mention it, we'd jump in and tell her not to ruin it for us and she would just laugh. Fortunately we were so behind that we forgot what she had told us. But, one time she gave me this 1000+ page epic novel. It was actually interested to read. I read it all the time, but with small kids, I didn't have a whole lot of time so it took me a while. Every time I saw her though she wanted an update on what I thought and where I was. At one point, I was about 2/3 of the way through (but still have a whole lot of book to go) instead of asking where I am she says "are you to the part to where (I can't remember his name, but father of the family and main character) dies?" Are you f'n kidding me?!? No, I am not there yet, but thanks for ruining a major plotline of the book for me.
In her defense, she does occasionally try to share an interest. My boys and I all love sports, so for their birthdays, she gets them tickets. She has gotten my older son Gopher basketball tickets which is generous of her. Gifts from her are a whole other subject deserving of its own thread, so I'll address that later. But, when a game is on TV she feels the need to watch it with me to "bond." Of course, she's watching it for completely different reasons. She has to tell me all about the kid from Eagan, and how he came back home because his brother was sick. Or the 13th kid on the team who is a walk on and his mom's cousin’s first wife's uncle's neighbor came in to look at an apartment today. Or how the backup wing who gets 2 minutes a game has a girl friend who is a cheerleader and isn't that cute. Or how the assistant coach used to go to Podunk U and that is where El Diablo's friends grandson took a tour at but isn't going to go there because his girlfriend broke up with him and they took a tour together so it will just remind him of her so he is going to look at Podunk State instead but he's not sure he wants to go their either because he wanted to major in journalism and their journalism school isn't the best but he might want to be a social worker instead except thats what his girlfriend’s mom did so that’s a whole other story. And when she finally takes a breath from that story and can't think of something to say, she'll start reading the display on the screen. And this is no exaggeration. There was a whole 30 seconds of silence, and she starts saying "ok, so it is 43-37 and there's twelve minutes left....24 seconds left on, is that the shot clock?"
I could go on and on but might as well bring it to the present. Due to the various conflicts and people just generally getting on each other’s nerves, and my relationship with my wife starting to deteriorate over the stress, my wife finally had a conversation with El Diablo last October or November. That is when she claimed she couldn't stop working until she found a job that pays her full benefits. Of course where their house is, in the middle of out state MN there are little to no opportunities. She is completely unrealistic and has crazy ideas of how she's going to get a job in the health care field up there as new clinics are opening up (she has zero experience, and can't even operate a computer to be a person working at the front desk of a clinic), or she's going to be a paraprofessional in a school (though she never actually applies for any openings when a school would be looking to hire), or her last idea of opening up a Laundromat up in her little Podunk town. Anyway, my wife made it clear that this couldn't be an indefinite situation and she needed to figure something out eventually, and sooner rather than later.
At first she appeared to be looking and would mention something here or there about what she was looking at as far as jobs. Then that tailed off and it appeared another conversation was needed. But, my wife didn't want to make "the holidays" uncomfortable so she waited until recently to confront her again. So about two weeks ago, she sits her down again and makes a stronger statement that she needs to find another situation. If she can't find a job by her house, then she needs to do something else. Either get a discounted apartment from her complex, find a roommate, or commute. El Diablo is adamant that she can't afford to do any of those things. My wife doesn't back down and then El Diablo, in a desperate attempt at guilt says "maybe I can find a friend who will let me stay on their couch." To her credit, my wife doesn't bite and just says "fine."
This was on a Thursday. She leaves early on Friday and we don't see her until the following Monday when, wait for it, she pulls up in a brand new car. Her lease was up on the old car she was driving, and instead of buying something maybe a little more economical, she leases a brand new Toyota Rav4 (I have no idea what leases on these go for, or what terms she got, but I know she was way over miles on her last lease and the way she talked about that deal I know she got raked over the coals). For comparison sake, my wife drives a 06 Sienna and I drive a 99 Camry. I haven't driven a brand new car since I bought a new car with my first job out of college.
That was pretty much the last straw for me. I haven't spoken to her other than a "yes" "no" or "I don't know" since.
I'll update as things continue to pop up, or as I remember classic stories. Feel free to post your comments or questions, but this is mainly a place for me to vent. I realize that some of this makes me look like less than the most accepting person, but I don't think I can truly convey how frustrating of a person she is, even when she is not living with you. I know other people who have lost their parents have said things like "oh, what I wouldn't give to have my mother back in my life" but they just don't get this is nothing like a typical parent/grandparent relationship.
