This guy is so good..I'm taking him over LT in this years draft!!!!! In addition to this:
Calvin is the father of every kid in this town!"
"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."
"I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Calvin took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Calvin takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half — until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Calvin yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He hated Mexicans! And he's half-Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Calvin... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men."
"He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Calvin went hunting? Calvin decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Calvin. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Calvin's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Calvin named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Calvin's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Calvin said it would've happened sometime."
"He breastfeeds John Madden!"
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Calvin and I were in a production of The King and I? Anyway, on opening night, Calvin chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
The phrase "No matter where you go, there you are" is actually
come down through the ages from an old Cherokee phrase that
translates:"No matter where you...####, is that Calvin?
AW HELL, RUN!"
Were you aware that Calvin has 6 toes? Someone tried to cut them off but the toe rose up and killed him. I went to the funeral. Man, even Calvin felt sort of bad about that one.
Calvin invented the game Candyland, and he took all the money and used it to purchase stolen Russian uranium and black market body parts in Uzbekistan.
The only reason the Chinese use chopsticks is because Calvin stole all their forks.
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Calvin!"
"Calvin drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"They say he bleeds peppermint vodka."
"Did I ever tell ya about the time that Calvin and I took a hot air balloon trip over Los Angeles? Calvin brings an atomic bomb and drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, "It would have happened sooner or later."
"The movie Deliverance was based on Calvin's experiences as a kindergarden teacher."
"His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi."
"He's producing Battlefield Earth 2"