Complicated Kid Question (1 Viewer)

[Chemical X]

so, my wife’s sister and bil are visiting for the week, along with their 8.5 yr old.  this is the bil i’ve posted about before…..the post office guy that’s johnny politics where you’d think his job is splitting the atom.  we barely talk.  i just nod a lot when he speaks.  he is just that uber negative miserable guy that never seems happy ever.  so, me and the mrs were not involved in niece’s life until she was 5-6 for family type reasons.  the more we are around her, the more me and the mrs have discussed how she has a miserable personality.  we hate saying that, but she doesn’t seem kid like.  she is pretty nastily aggressive towards her mom and wants what she wants immediately or fits.  

i guess my question is this; is she still too young to have a personality so to speak?  like is this just a maturity issue that she’ll grow up from or is going on 9 the time when you kind of know how someone is going to be.  maybe it’s just that she doesn’t really know us, but she doesn’t speak to us, maybe to my wife a little, me not at all.  we generally get a yes or no answer and a mope or pout.  obviously there is a lot more to discuss, but i am kind of asking if this is normal kid stuff at 9 or is something else going on here from your experience?  i will post my rooster later.

 

[Maik Jeaunz]

question: is she super addicted to technology? like, all she wants to do is be on the phone/tablet/whatever, and if she's not on it she's miserable? or is she miserable regardless of context?

 

[Chemical X]

question: is she super addicted to technology? like, all she wants to do is be on the phone/tablet/whatever, and if she's not on it she's miserable? or is she miserable regardless of context?

miserable regardless of context.  not overly tech involved, too young to have her own device, but get this…..we are at a small beach condo.  we have a pull out queen couch and a cool kid setup with a bunk that my wife dolled up, kind of an oasis away from the adults.  she refuses to use it and still sleeps in mommy and daddy’s bed, which seems kind of late.  postal pete has been sleeping in the bunk and misery girl has been sleeping with mom.  she seems moderately content when she is blasting the tv volume watching some tween elf magic show.

 

[johnnycakes]

miserable regardless of context.  not overly tech involved, too young to have her own device, but get this…..we are at a small beach condo.  we have a pull out queen couch and a cool kid setup with a bunk that my wife dolled up, kind of an oasis away from the adults.  she refuses to use it and still sleeps in mommy and daddy’s bed, which seems kind of late.  postal pete has been sleeping in the bunk and misery girl has been sleeping with mom.  she seems moderately content when she is blasting the tv volume watching some tween elf magic show.

Ugh.  Sounds like that kid has problems that will only get worse once puberty hits.  

 

[CGRdrJoe]

so, my wife’s sister and bil are visiting for the week, along with their 8.5 yr old.  this is the bil i’ve posted about before…..the post office guy that’s johnny politics where you’d think his job is splitting the atom.  we barely talk.  i just nod a lot when he speaks.  he is just that uber negative miserable guy that never seems happy ever.  so, me and the mrs were not involved in niece’s life until she was 5-6 for family type reasons.  the more we are around her, the more me and the mrs have discussed how she has a miserable personality.  we hate saying that, but she doesn’t seem kid like.  she is pretty nastily aggressive towards her mom and wants what she wants immediately or fits.  

i guess my question is this; is she still too young to have a personality so to speak?  like is this just a maturity issue that she’ll grow up from or is going on 9 the time when you kind of know how someone is going to be.  maybe it’s just that she doesn’t really know us, but she doesn’t speak to us, maybe to my wife a little, me not at all.  we generally get a yes or no answer and a mope or pout.  obviously there is a lot more to discuss, but i am kind of asking if this is normal kid stuff at 9 or is something else going on here from your experience?  i will post my rooster later.

my nephew was a complete terror until he was 13 and then magically he became a good human almost overnight. nothing changed, his parents were still #######s and had not cleaned their lives up yet but somehow he went from a spoiled brat to a legit kind and caring kid. i’m still shuked on the whole situation and it’s 15 years later. 

 

[Chemical X]

Ugh.  Sounds like that kid has problems that will only get worse once puberty hits.  

i mean, i don’t want to sound like i’m complaining about a 9 year old, but i suspect her behaviour is obviously a lot to do with environment.  mommy mommy mommy, daddy uninvolved.  like super uninvolved.  i suppose i can blame it all on bil.  man, i dread this week.  what’s funny is that they keep asking her, “do you want to do ______ with uncle x?”  the answer is no.  i was an only child and pretty self involved, but i do remember speaking with relatives.  who knows?  guess this is why i don’t have kids.

 

[Chemical X]

my nephew was a complete terror until he was 13 and then magically he became a good human almost overnight. nothing changed, his parents were still #######s and had not cleaned their lives up yet but somehow he went from a spoiled brat to a legit kind and caring kid. i’m still shuked on the whole situation and it’s 15 years later. 

and boys mature later.  i was laughing yesterday when we were at the pool.  a couple of kids in the water and niece met a younger girl, like 5ish and they played a little.  the little girl spoke to me and said she liked my necklace.  caught me off guard.

 

[Jaysus]

you brought a lot of booze with you, right?

 

[Jayrod]

I've got 7 nephews and 1 niece (plus a boy/girl of my own).

By far the most annoying ages are that spoiled brat age around 7-11.  Around 12 they start to chill out and become more adjusted to social situations.  Had one nephew I almost strangled (was the youngest of 3) when he was like 9-10.  Kid would pester his poor older siblings and everybody just let him get away with murder....except for mean old Uncle Jayrod.  Kid didn't like me there for a few years because I wouldn't put up with his whiny baby act.

 

[Chemical X]

you brought a lot of booze with you, right?

seriously.  too much alcohol makes x wife filter reduce, which may create issues.  i’ve been monitoring.  told my wife she owes me a vacation after this.  taking one for the team and biting my tongue all day, though i slip out a passive aggressive snark every now and then.  god, i hate people and the family drama stuff, glad i have none.  i think i post this every year.

 

[wikkidpissah]

lotta wonder-proofed children out there. the sponge that is the 8.5yo brain is gonna absorb sumn, anything. show her alternatives and stop caring the result, reaction or disdain. giving children power over adult behavior is what started this mess...

 

[Chemical X]

lotta wonder-proofed children out there. the sponge that is the 8.5yo brain is gonna absorb sumn, anything. show her alternatives and stop caring the result, reaction or disdain. giving children power over adult behavior is what started this mess...

agree.  we noticed that instead of telling the girl what is happening, they ask her.  this seemingly gives her control over situations where adults should be making the decisions. in a way, i think this gives her power over situations and she knows it.  like jaysus, uncle x has no coddling button and this doesn’t go over well.  

 

[Jaysus]

 like jaysus, uncle x has no coddling button and this doesn’t go over well.  

That was Jayrod... I am a big ole #####cat with my kids

 

[Chemical X]

That was Jayrod... I am a big ole #####cat with my kids

lol i needs to reads better

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Am I the only person who assumed that this thread was going to be a kid who's kind of racist?

 

[Chemical X]

Am I the only person who assumed that this thread was going to be a kid who's kind of racist?

oh crap!! i just saw that…..ooops

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Why are vacationing with these people?

 

[Godsbrother]

miserable regardless of context.  not overly tech involved, too young to have her own device, but get this…..we are at a small beach condo.  we have a pull out queen couch and a cool kid setup with a bunk that my wife dolled up, kind of an oasis away from the adults.  she refuses to use it and still sleeps in mommy and daddy’s bed, which seems kind of late.  postal pete has been sleeping in the bunk and misery girl has been sleeping with mom.  she seems moderately content when she is blasting the tv volume watching some tween elf magic show.

A 8.5 year old that still sleeps with Mommy & Daddy?  No wonder everyone is miserable.

I have a nephew that would sleep with his mom (my sister's son) when he visited us up to age 10 or 11.

He's 19 now, a sophomore in college and decent young man albeit a little nerdy.  He just got his driver's permit now.  He is dating a nerdy 21 year old chick though so I guess he is doing OK

 

[Chemical X]

A 8.5 year old that still sleeps with Mommy & Daddy?  No wonder everyone is miserable.

I have a nephew that would sleep with her mom (my sister's son) when he visited us up to age 10 or 11.

He's 19 now, a sophomore in college and decent young man albeit a little nerdy.  He just got his driver's permit now.  He is dating a nerdy 21 year old chick though so I guess he is doing OK

yeah, 8.5 seems kind of old for that.  hence, this thread cause i have no idea.

update:  tomorrow, against my repeated attempts to dissuade my wife, she booked a four hr pontoon boat ride. 1hr there and back and 2 hrs on a small island with nothing to do. i begged her in advance not to do this, but she has these rose colored glasses with thick lenses.  i am expecting a fight till the death tomorrow.  also, we were thinking about a 45 min tour of the local sea turtle hospital later in week and wife and sil were planning thursday or friday.  i said you better ask princess first, cause no way she wants to do that.  i was correct……lol. saved me some misery.  i’d actually rather be at work right now.

 

[wikkidpissah]

ask a kid sometime, "What can you do for me?". "I can drive you places, explain ####, feed you, buy stuff. You can smile, complain, make noise & pee yourself. And I'm the one that's gotta be nice to you?!"

 

[Manster]

so, my wife’s sister and bil are visiting for the week, along with their 8.5 yr old.  this is the bil i’ve posted about before…..the post office guy that’s johnny politics where you’d think his job is splitting the atom.  we barely talk.  i just nod a lot when he speaks.  he is just that uber negative miserable guy that never seems happy ever.  so, me and the mrs were not involved in niece’s life until she was 5-6 for family type reasons.  the more we are around her, the more me and the mrs have discussed how she has a miserable personality.  we hate saying that, but she doesn’t seem kid like.  she is pretty nastily aggressive towards her mom and wants what she wants immediately or fits.  

i guess my question is this; is she still too young to have a personality so to speak?  like is this just a maturity issue that she’ll grow up from or is going on 9 the time when you kind of know how someone is going to be.  maybe it’s just that she doesn’t really know us, but she doesn’t speak to us, maybe to my wife a little, me not at all.  we generally get a yes or no answer and a mope or pout.  obviously there is a lot more to discuss, but i am kind of asking if this is normal kid stuff at 9 or is something else going on here from your experience?  i will post my rooster later.

Normal kid stuff, plus potential poor parenting/poor example set.  Kids emulate what they are around.  If you've got a parent who is completely negative all the time the kid has a high likelihood of following suit......also, when a kid acts out and throws tantrums (which is completely normal) you need to....depending on the sitch, hold em accountable and don't give in, or completely ignore it so they don't the attention they were looking for.

 

[Terminalxylem]

so, my wife’s sister and bil are visiting for the week, along with their 8.5 yr old.  this is the bil i’ve posted about before…..the post office guy that’s johnny politics where you’d think his job is splitting the atom.  we barely talk.  i just nod a lot when he speaks.  he is just that uber negative miserable guy that never seems happy ever.  so, me and the mrs were not involved in niece’s life until she was 5-6 for family type reasons.  the more we are around her, the more me and the mrs have discussed how she has a miserable personality.  we hate saying that, but she doesn’t seem kid like.  she is pretty nastily aggressive towards her mom and wants what she wants immediately or fits.  

i guess my question is this; is she still too young to have a personality so to speak?  like is this just a maturity issue that she’ll grow up from or is going on 9 the time when you kind of know how someone is going to be.  maybe it’s just that she doesn’t really know us, but she doesn’t speak to us, maybe to my wife a little, me not at all.  we generally get a yes or no answer and a mope or pout.  obviously there is a lot more to discuss, but i am kind of asking if this is normal kid stuff at 9 or is something else going on here from your experience?  i will post my rooster later.

Don’t have kids, but did take a bunch of psychology classes in college. IIRC, personality isn’t fully formed until one is a late teen/young adult, though temperament is established much earlier, like day 1. Given your poor relationship with bil, probably not something I’d worry about, unless she starts doing stuff that meets criteria for oppositional defiant or more disturbingly, conduct disorder (sometimes a precursor to criminal behavior down the road).

One additional armchair psychologist observation: you frequently reference birds. Did your parents ever lock you in a chicken coup?

 

[Manster]

yeah, 8.5 seems kind of old for that.  hence, this thread cause i have no idea.

update:  tomorrow, against my repeated attempts to dissuade my wife, she booked a four hr pontoon boat ride. 1hr there and back and 2 hrs on a small island with nothing to do. i begged her in advance not to do this, but she has these rose colored glasses with thick lenses.  i am expecting a fight till the death tomorrow.  also, we were thinking about a 45 min tour of the local sea turtle hospital later in week and wife and sil were planning thursday or friday.  i said you better ask princess first, cause no way she wants to do that.  i was correct……lol. saved me some misery.  i’d actually rather be at work right now.

imo, you can, and should choose to be a positive force in the kids life.  Remember,  this is a kid......keep your expectations in check and keep trying.  Kids are NOT easy.

You may end up being the cool aunt and uncle who provided this kid with some structure, discipline, and potential to succeed, that was lacking at home. 

 

[Maik Jeaunz]

Am I the only person who assumed that this thread was going to be a kid who's kind of racist?

right, I thought maybe the problem was that the kid was wearing a hood everywhere.

 

[Chemical X]

Don’t have kids, but did take a bunch of psychology classes in college. IIRC, personality isn’t fully formed until one is a late teen/young adult, though temperament is established much earlier, like day 1. Given your poor relationship with bil, probably not something I’d worry about, unless she starts doing stuff that meets criteria for oppositional defiant or more disturbingly, conduct disorder (sometimes a precursor to criminal behavior down the road).

One additional armchair psychologist observation: you frequently reference birds. Did your parents ever lock you in a chicken coup?

that’s cuckoo talk.  i’m not a dodo.  i mean, i feel like every time these people visit the vultures start circling.  who knows?

 

[Chemical X]

Normal kid stuff, plus potential poor parenting/poor example set.  Kids emulate what they are around.  If you've got a parent who is completely negative all the time the kid has a high likelihood of following suit......also, when a kid acts out and throws tantrums (which is completely normal) you need to....depending on the sitch, hold em accountable and don't give in, or completely ignore it so they don't the attention they were looking for.

this is my actual thought.  i mean, bil you have to see and hear to better understand.  i truly dislike him and his attitude, but i am treading lightly for the mrs to have some relationship with her sister.  niece is a spitting image, basically treats mom the way dad does……negatively dependent, if that’s a term.  always on his phone giving me andrew cuomo updates.

 

[Manster]

this is my actual thought.  i mean, bil you have to see and hear to better understand.  i truly dislike him and his attitude, but i am treading lightly for the mrs to have some relationship with her sister.  niece is a spitting image, basically treats mom the way dad does……negatively dependent, if that’s a term.  always on his phone giving me andrew cuomo updates.

Tough sitch man.....

Tougher for your wife i'd imagine......I can relate to you in this somewhat, and although each sitch is unique, I'd just try to be that positive force in the kids life......she's gonna fight you, and be weird, and a pain......but you could break through, especially if you guys are consistent.  Just my .02

 

[Chemical X]

Tough sitch man.....

Tougher for your wife i'd imagine......I can relate to you in this somewhat, and although each sitch is unique, I'd just try to be that positive force in the kids life......she's gonna fight you, and be weird, and a pain......but you could break through, especially if you guys are consistent.  Just my .02

you know, i’d like to be that guy and put in the effort, but i don’t see her enough to make an impact.  i feel bad i’ve kind of given up.  maybe if we  had long term plans to be stateside it would be more incentive for me to effort.  oh well.  

 

[Gally]

right, I thought maybe the problem was that the kid was wearing a hood everywhere.

Now I wish I saw this thread before the title change

 

[Terminalxylem]

you know, i’d like to be that guy and put in the effort, but i don’t see her enough to make an impact.  i feel bad i’ve kind of given up.  maybe if we  had long term plans to be stateside it would be more incentive for me to effort.  oh well.  

I think this is the correct approach. And definitely watch a bunch of documentaries on the makings of a serial killer.

 

[Chris B.]

It's not a personality problem, it's a parenting/discipline issue methinks.

 

[Chemical X]

It's not a personality problem, it's a parenting/discipline issue methinks.

and if i say something, i’m the bad guy. 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

and if i say something, i’m the bad guy. 

Just let Mrs X deal with this on her own.  It's her family.  I'd be staying home.  

 

[Zegras11]

I would schedule a lot of fun things to do with your wife to occupy your time and not get too caught up in the mess.  Invite the kid and her parents to go along. If they say no, just go and have fun.  

Mini golf? Is there a pier/boardwalk?  frisbee?

 

[Manster]

you know, i’d like to be that guy and put in the effort, but i don’t see her enough to make an impact.  i feel bad i’ve kind of given up.  maybe if we  had long term plans to be stateside it would be more incentive for me to effort.  oh well.  

I get it.

I've got kids of my own.  We are around cousins on my wife's side.  There has been drama, and things I'd never dream would come up.  It comes with the territory. 

I have an uncle that, when growing up, was always there for me.  He's married to my dad's sister, so no blood relation.....but he always treated me like blood....he's a good man. Always been my favorite uncle.....my only point is, that I have tried to be like my uncle was to me.......even when I don't want to be.  Kids are idiots.......it's like training cavemen.

When ####ty parents are involved though, all bets are off.

 

[Chemical X]

I would schedule a lot of fun things to do with your wife to occupy your time and not get too caught up in the mess.  Invite the kid and her parents to go along. If they say no, just go and have fun.  

Mini golf? Is there a pier/boardwalk?  frisbee?

we did mini golf last year, it was meh.  she hated the pier.  played a little frisbee, but we discovered she is not a fan of the beach.  obviously the sand and salt water give prissy issues.  she is constantly washing the sand off her hands in the water, which prevents a lot of frisbee time.

 

[Chemical X]

I get it.

I've got kids of my own.  We are around cousins on my wife's side.  There has been drama, and things I'd never dream would come up.  It comes with the territory. 

I have an uncle that, when growing up, was always there for me.  He's married to my dad's sister, so no blood relation.....but he always treated me like blood....he's a good man. Always been my favorite uncle.....my only point is, that I have tried to be like my uncle was to me.......even when I don't want to be.  Kids are idiots.......it's like training cavemen.

When ####ty parents are involved though, all bets are off.

kids are complete idiots until that one day when a light bulb goes off.  i write this after a 1 hour “i don’t want to take a bath/shower” fit that sounded as if i was skinning a cat alive in the bathroom.

 

[Corporation]

Am I the only person who assumed that this thread was going to be a kid who's kind of racist?

oh crap!! i just saw that…..ooops

Well crap, now I want to know the original title

This is the nature vs nurture argument, and like usual I think the answer is both.  Some people are just pre-disposed to look at things more negatively, and then compounding it with questionable parenting skills will enhance it. Hopefully it is something she can mature out of.  The only advice I can give is to show the child love (not that you give in to any/every demand, but show a genuine interest).  It could be the spark that helps her out.

 

[Zegras11]

we did mini golf last year, it was meh.  she hated the pier.  played a little frisbee, but we discovered she is not a fan of the beach.  obviously the sand and salt water give prissy issues.  she is constantly washing the sand off her hands in the water, which prevents a lot of frisbee time.

that sucks..

I'd still do what you and your wife want to do and have fun and not dwell on them.

 

[Manster]

kids are complete idiots until that one day when a light bulb goes off.  i write this after a 1 hour “i don’t want to take a bath/shower” fit that sounded as if i was skinning a cat alive in the bathroom.

Haha, sounds like my son.....my daughter likes to be clean.....son would be ok never bwing clean.

my wife has way more patience for children than I do.  Luckily, I do have some self awareness, so can reflect on how I've handled situations, and work on being better.  It's a roller coaster ride