Hey, I’m Dan Fouts. I breathe air to live and my body is covered with skin. My beard is made of hair. You know what I think quarterbacks should do for their football team? Throw the ball and hand it off. It’s important to take it one game at a time.
Some people accuse me of speaking in endless clichés. They are just jealous of my awesome beard. The beard helps to warm my face in the winter months. Winter is a season, of which there are four. It is often correlated with coldness. It is highly debatable that I have an actual functioning human brain. Some people need to understand that I just go for it and speak touchdowns with my mouth arm. I am the greatest sportscaster of all time. If I wasn’t the greatest, why would they pair me with Keith Jackson. He is old and reminds me of myself in one hundred and sixty years.
ABC even let me do the Rose Bowl. It is a bowl game named after a popular flower. I found it necessary to tell the audience that Texas had three timeouts when there were two seconds remaining in the first half. Then I alluded to the fact that Vince Young could do anything in a valiant attempt to make rational sense. Vince Young is not only a Heisman Trophy nominated quarterback, but he is also a Harry Potter-### wizard who can unwind time at his own free will (The Heisman Trophy is awarded to the best-overall college player in the country). In response to your letters, I will not cut my own tongue out of my mouth for $38.67.
The game is football. The place is college. The sport is college football. I say sweet things like this nearly every week and totally get away with it. College football gives me a target to shoot the fecal cannon that is my mouth. The field type on which most college football teams play is grass. It is usually a shade of green. It is upon this greenish stretch of dreamland that lies opportunity… opportunity for victory. Victory is achieved in football when more points are scored by one team than another. The team with more points is victorious. The team with less points loses. My beard has gotten me laid seven-thousand and forty-six times. All of these times have been with women, so, as most of your letters have asked, I have not engaged in sexual intercourse with Matt Leinart or Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush is just one of those guys that you give the ball, and he makes things happen. Touchdown City. Touchdown City, and he’s the mayor. Touchdown City, population… Reggie Bush. Yes, that is the caliber of joke I deliver each and every game. I devour these whimsical treasures and poop them out my mouth as if I had swallowed a tube full of Ex-lax. By the way critics, your packages filled with dog poop won’t stop me. I must say these incredible things and flash off my remarkable beard. Without this beard and my brain words, people wouldn’t understand that an instant replay needs to be CONCLUSIVE in order to overturn a call. College football is just a viewable sport without me.
When it all comes down to the grindstone, I am the single most important voice in college football (behind about forty-six other broadcasters). Remember that the next time you almost forget it. This is where you stop reading.
