SeniorVBDStudent
Footballguy
They say imitation is the best form of flattery. It's not. The greatest form of flattery is to kidnap a visionary fantasy football prognosticator and bury him alive somewhere along the coastline of the Hudson Bay until and unless your Paypal account balance hits a pre-determined trigger value.....but I've said too much, too soon.
Driven by an unrelenting bloodlust for the pending fantasy season to emerge from its ugly chrysalis of WNBA highlights and the annual parade of poor fashion choices of Bubba Watson and Rickie Fowler, along with a healthy dose of boredom and a generalised malaise, I was prompted to synthesize a faux co-achotis all value team for the coming season*.
* (any similarity between the content of this thread and prior "unconventional" all value team threads is purely metaphysical in nature and therefore irrelevant on the grounds of intangeability....see, for example, the degree to which Eli Manning likes his balls skuffed - impossible to quantify.)
While great fun can be had contemplating passing when your turn comes up in the first round or two, let's be honest: you're not that guy. You may giggle when a pundit pokes fun of the guy showing up with a stack of magazines, but that's only because on draft day you're "prepared". After all, this is Serious Business(tm), not to be confused with Risky Business...although both are best executed with a healthy dose of bourbon and no pants.
Here then are your starters, in a 1QB/2RB/2WR/1TE/1Flex/1PK/1DEF PPR league.
Round 1 Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore Ravens
Flacco is Spanish for the opposite of fat, so let me give you the skinny. Not including last year, when 54 Ravens on the roster suffered season ending injuries, the Ravens have been a perennial playoff team forever, thanks in large part to the Wizard of Oz(zie Newsome). This makes sense. When Cincinatti and Cleveland are in your division you are mathematically pre-destined to at least obtain a wildcard ticket.
Prior to Flacco, Senor Smith and Just In Faucett calling it quits for the season, Flacco was on pace for 9000 yards and 78 TDs, or something approaching that. When the Ravens play the Steelers at Heinz field, Joe doesn't even need to travel with the team; he simply throws TD passes to Smith, Aiken and others from his backyard.
The Ravens are angry. They are angry at Antonio Brown for catching 238 passes against them in one season. They are angry that the Bengals had the audacity to win the division. But most of all they are angry with Bill Belichick and his lame ineligible receiver shenanigans which precipitated a year long injury show due to the post traumatic stress of a stolen playoff game.
Joe Flacco will ecclipse 5000 yards and 40TDs, and the Ravens will win the Superbowl.
Obviously, if you are in an early draft league, you don't need to take Smokin Joe in Round 1, but if you are in a real league that doesnt draft until after Week 3 of the preseason, you're in for the ulitimate painful surprise when Joe's ADP spikes at 1.1 for "no apparent reason". Consider yourselves warned.
Round 2 Steve Smith Sr, WR, Baltimore Ravens
See also round 1.
If the Ravens are angry, what does that say about Senor Smith's attitude in the 2016 season? We are, afterall, talking about a sociopath trapped in a wide receiver's body who once punched a teammate's mother in the face in preseason (the media told you it was Westbrook, but it was actually his mom).
In week 12, SmithSr will eclipse Moss'es 2007 yardage and Megatron's 2011 TD total. In Week 13, he'll eclipse Moss'es 2007 TD total (yes, that's 7 TDs in Week 13). In Week 14, he'll punch Belichick in the face. At half time. In the Patriots locker room.
Steve SmithSr needs 2000 yards receiving to move into the #2 spot receiving yards all time. I give him a puncher's chance.
Round 3 Deion Lewis, RB, New England Patriots
Here's your zero RB anchor.
Lewis set the Big East freshman rushing record previously held by Tony Dorsett. The lightly recruited running back was third nationally in rushing (1,799 yards, 5.5 avg) and broke LeSean Mccoy's record for most points by a Pitt Freshman on December 5, 2009 for the Big East championship against the Cincinnati Bearcats. He broke Dorsett's record for most rushing yards by a Pitt freshman during the 2009 Meineke Car Care Bowl, after which he was named the game's MVP.
In 2011, Darren Sproles had 2,696 all purpose yards, and he's not even a real running back.
In 2015, Danny Woodhead finished as the #3 fantasy back in football, and he's a converted quarterback from Division II.
Wake up people.
Round 4 Martellus Bennett, TE, New England Patriots
Do you think those little snipes Gronk has tweeted have escaped the attention of the Dark Lord? Do you think it's a coincidence that Bill Belichick acquired Jay Cutler's security blanket in the last year of Gronk's contract? Write this down: Gronk will suffer a season ending injury in Week 4 of the preseason, after your draft, and everyone will be left wondering why he was in the game.
Martellus is Latin for hammer.
Round 5 Robbie Gould, PK, Chicago
John Fox loves small ball. I'm not sure but I think he must have been the offensive coordinator of the 2001 Ravens, when their kicker regularly won games for them 9-0 / 12-3 / 15-0.
Robbie Gould is old. He's older than you think. He actually kicked for the Packers in the Ice Bowl (most Bears fans don't know this; don't tell them). But the reason that he's still around is that he's really really good. And in 2016 he will account for 92.3% of Chicago's points.
This was a tough pick, given the outlook for Jason Meyers in Jacksonville. But Bortles is a much better QB than Cutler, so....
Note: beware “all-value” team prognosticators who are afraid to pick kickers; it’s a tell
Round 6 Justin Forsett, RB, Baltimore Ravens
See Round 1.
And Round 2.
Forsett will eclipse 100 receptions, 86 of them being screens running behind Steve SmithSr.
Round 7 Kamar Aiken, WR, Baltimore Ravens
About the time SmithSr crosses 1000 yards and 10TDs half way through the season, Aiken will be left uncovered, due to a combination of triple coverage on Smith and dead bodies in the secondary. This is un-good given his vacuum cleaner hands. I expect 10-12 receptions per week as a floor by the time we hit the quarter pole.
Round 8 Will Tye, TE (FLEX), New York Giants
It's like the media have forgotten that Eli and the G'ints exist. Kirk Cousins blah, blah, blah. Ezekial Elliot, blah, blah, blah. Sam Bradford, blah, blah, blah. Let's be honest. These teams suck. The unnatural pre-occupation with everything Cowboy is understandable as has happened every year for the last 50 years (back when Emmit Smith make a marginal QB and marginal WR look good). But why in God's name is any newsprint even being wasted on the Redskins and Eagles? The Redskins are trapped in Daniel Snyder perma-hell, and the Eagles are still suffering the after effects of a college talent level demigod coach who has left for greener pastures in San Franciso (good luck with that buddy).
Despite what Josh Norman might tell you, or perhaps aligned with what Josh Norman would tell you, Odell Beckham is a man's man. Julio Jones can be taken out of a game. A.J.Green can be taken out of game. Dez and DeAndre can be taken out of a game by getting after their respective quarterbacks. Megatron can be taken out of a game by forcing him to retire because his organization sucks. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham are the only two wide receiver studs who simply cannot be stopped.
This makes room for other receiving threats. But Victor can't Salsa like he used to, and rookies are never Sterling.
Enter Will Tye.
Calculate Manning’s predicted TDs, then given 67% to ODBJ and 33% to Tye. That’s 14TDS!
Manning and the o line have had another year to gel. Tye finishes the year inside the top 5 TEs and top 20 receivers, but the Giant's lose to the Ravens in the Superbowl.
Round 9 Baltimore Ravens, DEF.
You already know.
In his final season, Steve SmithSr will return kicks. And play gunner. And kick FGs. And in a surprising development, cheerlead occasionally (I wouldn't question that choice if I were you).
Well that's a wrap. I could set you up for the 2017 through 2020 seasons also, but where's the fun in that? Instead I'll just leave you with this:
2016 Ravens over Giants
2017 Giants over Patriots (Manning retires)
2018 Patriots over Giants (Brady & Belichik retire)
2019 Panthers over Steelers (Big Ben retires)
2020 Patriots over Panthers (The Garappolo era begins; Newton retires)
2021 Goodell retires. And there was much rejoicing.
Driven by an unrelenting bloodlust for the pending fantasy season to emerge from its ugly chrysalis of WNBA highlights and the annual parade of poor fashion choices of Bubba Watson and Rickie Fowler, along with a healthy dose of boredom and a generalised malaise, I was prompted to synthesize a faux co-achotis all value team for the coming season*.
* (any similarity between the content of this thread and prior "unconventional" all value team threads is purely metaphysical in nature and therefore irrelevant on the grounds of intangeability....see, for example, the degree to which Eli Manning likes his balls skuffed - impossible to quantify.)
While great fun can be had contemplating passing when your turn comes up in the first round or two, let's be honest: you're not that guy. You may giggle when a pundit pokes fun of the guy showing up with a stack of magazines, but that's only because on draft day you're "prepared". After all, this is Serious Business(tm), not to be confused with Risky Business...although both are best executed with a healthy dose of bourbon and no pants.
Here then are your starters, in a 1QB/2RB/2WR/1TE/1Flex/1PK/1DEF PPR league.
Round 1 Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore Ravens
Flacco is Spanish for the opposite of fat, so let me give you the skinny. Not including last year, when 54 Ravens on the roster suffered season ending injuries, the Ravens have been a perennial playoff team forever, thanks in large part to the Wizard of Oz(zie Newsome). This makes sense. When Cincinatti and Cleveland are in your division you are mathematically pre-destined to at least obtain a wildcard ticket.
Prior to Flacco, Senor Smith and Just In Faucett calling it quits for the season, Flacco was on pace for 9000 yards and 78 TDs, or something approaching that. When the Ravens play the Steelers at Heinz field, Joe doesn't even need to travel with the team; he simply throws TD passes to Smith, Aiken and others from his backyard.
The Ravens are angry. They are angry at Antonio Brown for catching 238 passes against them in one season. They are angry that the Bengals had the audacity to win the division. But most of all they are angry with Bill Belichick and his lame ineligible receiver shenanigans which precipitated a year long injury show due to the post traumatic stress of a stolen playoff game.
Joe Flacco will ecclipse 5000 yards and 40TDs, and the Ravens will win the Superbowl.
Obviously, if you are in an early draft league, you don't need to take Smokin Joe in Round 1, but if you are in a real league that doesnt draft until after Week 3 of the preseason, you're in for the ulitimate painful surprise when Joe's ADP spikes at 1.1 for "no apparent reason". Consider yourselves warned.
Round 2 Steve Smith Sr, WR, Baltimore Ravens
See also round 1.
If the Ravens are angry, what does that say about Senor Smith's attitude in the 2016 season? We are, afterall, talking about a sociopath trapped in a wide receiver's body who once punched a teammate's mother in the face in preseason (the media told you it was Westbrook, but it was actually his mom).
In week 12, SmithSr will eclipse Moss'es 2007 yardage and Megatron's 2011 TD total. In Week 13, he'll eclipse Moss'es 2007 TD total (yes, that's 7 TDs in Week 13). In Week 14, he'll punch Belichick in the face. At half time. In the Patriots locker room.
Steve SmithSr needs 2000 yards receiving to move into the #2 spot receiving yards all time. I give him a puncher's chance.
Round 3 Deion Lewis, RB, New England Patriots
Here's your zero RB anchor.
Lewis set the Big East freshman rushing record previously held by Tony Dorsett. The lightly recruited running back was third nationally in rushing (1,799 yards, 5.5 avg) and broke LeSean Mccoy's record for most points by a Pitt Freshman on December 5, 2009 for the Big East championship against the Cincinnati Bearcats. He broke Dorsett's record for most rushing yards by a Pitt freshman during the 2009 Meineke Car Care Bowl, after which he was named the game's MVP.
In 2011, Darren Sproles had 2,696 all purpose yards, and he's not even a real running back.
In 2015, Danny Woodhead finished as the #3 fantasy back in football, and he's a converted quarterback from Division II.
Wake up people.
Round 4 Martellus Bennett, TE, New England Patriots
Do you think those little snipes Gronk has tweeted have escaped the attention of the Dark Lord? Do you think it's a coincidence that Bill Belichick acquired Jay Cutler's security blanket in the last year of Gronk's contract? Write this down: Gronk will suffer a season ending injury in Week 4 of the preseason, after your draft, and everyone will be left wondering why he was in the game.
Martellus is Latin for hammer.
Round 5 Robbie Gould, PK, Chicago
John Fox loves small ball. I'm not sure but I think he must have been the offensive coordinator of the 2001 Ravens, when their kicker regularly won games for them 9-0 / 12-3 / 15-0.
Robbie Gould is old. He's older than you think. He actually kicked for the Packers in the Ice Bowl (most Bears fans don't know this; don't tell them). But the reason that he's still around is that he's really really good. And in 2016 he will account for 92.3% of Chicago's points.
This was a tough pick, given the outlook for Jason Meyers in Jacksonville. But Bortles is a much better QB than Cutler, so....
Note: beware “all-value” team prognosticators who are afraid to pick kickers; it’s a tell
Round 6 Justin Forsett, RB, Baltimore Ravens
See Round 1.
And Round 2.
Forsett will eclipse 100 receptions, 86 of them being screens running behind Steve SmithSr.
Round 7 Kamar Aiken, WR, Baltimore Ravens
About the time SmithSr crosses 1000 yards and 10TDs half way through the season, Aiken will be left uncovered, due to a combination of triple coverage on Smith and dead bodies in the secondary. This is un-good given his vacuum cleaner hands. I expect 10-12 receptions per week as a floor by the time we hit the quarter pole.
Round 8 Will Tye, TE (FLEX), New York Giants
It's like the media have forgotten that Eli and the G'ints exist. Kirk Cousins blah, blah, blah. Ezekial Elliot, blah, blah, blah. Sam Bradford, blah, blah, blah. Let's be honest. These teams suck. The unnatural pre-occupation with everything Cowboy is understandable as has happened every year for the last 50 years (back when Emmit Smith make a marginal QB and marginal WR look good). But why in God's name is any newsprint even being wasted on the Redskins and Eagles? The Redskins are trapped in Daniel Snyder perma-hell, and the Eagles are still suffering the after effects of a college talent level demigod coach who has left for greener pastures in San Franciso (good luck with that buddy).
Despite what Josh Norman might tell you, or perhaps aligned with what Josh Norman would tell you, Odell Beckham is a man's man. Julio Jones can be taken out of a game. A.J.Green can be taken out of game. Dez and DeAndre can be taken out of a game by getting after their respective quarterbacks. Megatron can be taken out of a game by forcing him to retire because his organization sucks. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham are the only two wide receiver studs who simply cannot be stopped.
This makes room for other receiving threats. But Victor can't Salsa like he used to, and rookies are never Sterling.
Enter Will Tye.
Calculate Manning’s predicted TDs, then given 67% to ODBJ and 33% to Tye. That’s 14TDS!
Manning and the o line have had another year to gel. Tye finishes the year inside the top 5 TEs and top 20 receivers, but the Giant's lose to the Ravens in the Superbowl.
Round 9 Baltimore Ravens, DEF.
You already know.
In his final season, Steve SmithSr will return kicks. And play gunner. And kick FGs. And in a surprising development, cheerlead occasionally (I wouldn't question that choice if I were you).
Well that's a wrap. I could set you up for the 2017 through 2020 seasons also, but where's the fun in that? Instead I'll just leave you with this:
2016 Ravens over Giants
2017 Giants over Patriots (Manning retires)
2018 Patriots over Giants (Brady & Belichik retire)
2019 Panthers over Steelers (Big Ben retires)
2020 Patriots over Panthers (The Garappolo era begins; Newton retires)
2021 Goodell retires. And there was much rejoicing.
