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Etiquette Question after a Death (1 Viewer)

fantasycurse42

fantasycurse42

Footballguy Jr.
So my best friends mother died on Friday... She was a great woman and I was always close with her, she attended my wedding & when I spoke to my good buddy on Friday he said his mother mentioned me a few days before her passing.

This wasn't unexpected as she had been sick for a while. She was young early 60's. My buddy called me Friday with the news and we chatted a little. I called him today to check on funeral arrangements, how he's doing, etc. etc.

His mother didn't want a funeral and after the family said their goodbyes yesterday, she was cremated. They have nothing else planned for the week and my buddy is taking the week off. After talking earlier, he hinted I should stop by tonight, which I intend on. My question is simple; what should I bring for my boy? My wife said flowers, which I think is weird, others have said food which I don't understand... I was thinking about a nice bottle of scotch as that is what he drinks, and it would prob be a good time for that. Is this appropriate or should I bring him something else?

 
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Booze might not be a great idea.

Don't feel like you to bring anything. Just being there giving him support is great.

 
eoMMan said:
Booze might not be a great idea.

Don't feel like you to bring anything. Just being there giving him support is great.
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I've been getting mixed opinions on the alcohol. I know being there is good for support, but isn't it proper etiquette to have flowers, food, booze, or just anything?
 
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Definitely the booze.

Food is comforting to people, so I can understand that.

Flowers is a staple for funerals. Even guy to guy I can get in in this instance. It would be my last pick, but would never rag you about it.

 
Bring a nice bottle of single malt scotch or even a meal to eat because it helps. The scotch sounds like you two appreciate a nice bottle of scotch so you two can talk about whatever he wants to talk about and I am sure he has been busy lately and down in the dumps and that means he probably hasn't eaten much, if anything. A nice take out meal would help a lot.

 
You're not really bringing flowers for him, you're bringing them for his entire family. I'd only bring food if they're Jewish and sitting shiva or if you know they are expecting many others to come by.

Pass on scotch.

 
If he's your good friend, you'll know what to do if you really think about it (what would let him know you care about him, that you're hurting a bit knowing he's going through a rough patch, what would pick him up and give him a break from the loss/sadness, even for a few minutes). And if it's something that other people think might be a social faux pas or unorthodox or ??? #### 'em. They're not your buddy's friend. Or if they are, they don't know him exactly the same way you do and probably have their own way to let him know they care. Though if people are worried about what other people think and not solely focused on what will give said friend a lift/boost, they're doing it wrong.

 
Heartily agree with the scotch. And yea, a nice takeout meal would be good.

Not so much on the flowers. Usually, that's for the wake/funeral... at this point, it becomes more of a "where do I put this?" than anything

 
Flowers & scotch. Present the flowers to everyone there and slide the scotch to him on the sly. Then make it be known you want to be there when he cracks it open.

 
I would take the scotch and stop worrying about it. Sounds like her death wasn't a sudden, unexpected thing. Probably a good idea to just hang out with your buddy and let him get back to something normal. He is probably ready to move on with life.

 
The mother of one of my best friends passed away last year. A bunch of people brought food over to my friend and her dad. Wife baked a dessert since there's only so much dinner food one can eat. We sat at the kitchen table and he immediately started pouring rounds of scotch.

At least for one night, scotch and cookies >>> milk and cookies

In other words, there's no right answer. Whatever you bring, your presence being there for your friend is the best gesture.

 
EYLive said:
Food.

No alcohol, that's just dumb.
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It depends on the person. If my friends came by after one of my parents passed away, I'd much prefer them to bring a bottle of Jameson so we could laugh and reminisce about good times and tell funny stories rather than have them bring over a meatloaf.

 
If it is just going to be you two hanging in the garage or basement just talking or watching a game to keep him company during his grieving period then a bottle of whatever you guys drink is perfect. If a lot of family or friends are going to be there then food is the way to go.

 
Michael Brown said:
The mother of one of my best friends passed away last year. A bunch of people brought food over to my friend and her dad. Wife baked a dessert since there's only so much dinner food one can eat. We sat at the kitchen table and he immediately started pouring rounds of scotch.

At least for one night, scotch and cookies >>> milk and cookies

In other words, there's no right answer. Whatever you bring, your presence being there for your friend is the best gesture.
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:thumbup:

 
EYLive said:
Food.

No alcohol, that's just dumb.
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As others have said, it depends on the person.

Anecdotally, when my grandmother passed probably the most cathartic and bonding thing my extended family and I did was all have Manhattans (my grandmothers drink of choice). It's not a stretch to suggest that tons of bonding occurs around drink and food.

 
Irish wake - bring booze.

Normal wake, bring food - one less thing for the family members to worry about for a little while.

 
badmojo1006 said:
Is there a place he likes to eat at? Bring him over some dinner, maybe a couple of beers and just hang with him
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This is your bet. Pizza, BBQ, or his favorite take-out are all good. You could bring a favorite movie to watch. Just stuff to be a buddy and a distraction.

 
Otis said:
NorvilleBarnes said:
Hooper31 said:
Vote scotch. Don't get hung up with something being right or wrong. Just do what you think is right.
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This.
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This. The people flipping out about that suggestion are weirdos.
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In many situations booze would be a bad call. This seems like one of the exceptions. You know the guy, but scotch isn't something people tend to drown their sorrow in until they're obliterated. Make it a nice scotch, either his usual or something he's wanted to try but is too expensive.

 
msudaisy26 said:
If it is just going to be you two hanging in the garage or basement just talking or watching a game to keep him company during his grieving period then a bottle of whatever you guys drink is perfect. If a lot of family or friends are going to be there then food is the way to go.
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This is the answer.

Best wishes to your buddy too.

 
This is a dude we're talking about. You don't have to bring anything. Men don't give a crap about that. If he wanted a bottle of scotch, he would've gone to the store and bought one.

 
Scotch was the right play... He cracked it open within minutes and was very appreciative... There was a ton of food/flowers already there and it might've been the last thing he needed.

Thanks for the responses.

 
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