I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[timschochet]

I rarely discuss personal issues in this forum, but this one is perplexing me and I can't decide and I only have 10 days to do so:

So my older daughter is 15, just starting her sophomore year at high school. She is a straight A student in all the AP and Honors classes. She is heavily involved in the high school's musical theater and dance programs which pretty much occupies all of her free time. My only complaint with her is that she's a slob and irresponsible with stuff at home- typical teenager, she mistreats her clothes, her iPhone, her laptop, etc. Other than that she's she's everything I could want in a daughter.

Since birth my daughter has been deathly allergic to peanuts and all nuts, and also allergic to eggs and dairy. She carries around an epipen everywhere she goes. She's never had to use it. She's conscious of this and careful, and so are we. OK, onto the situation:

The high school is offering a trip on Spring Break for the musical theater department- a 7 day cruise of Europe. Spain and Italy. Fly from LAX to Spain and then start the cruise. Costs $3200, which is relatively cheap. I can certainly afford it. (They also offer parents to come along as chaperones for $5,000 extra, but that I can NOT afford.) My daughter's best friend is going. For the last couple of nights, my daughter has been begging us to allow her to go. It will be a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc.

Within 10 days I need to make a $1500 deposit.

Besides the fact that she's never been away from us for more than a night or two, my wife and I have 3 concerns:

1. The allergy issue. My daughter swears that between herself and the school chaperones, they can handle any issue- but- if something were to happen she would be a continent away, impossible to reach.

2. The situation in Europe right now, with all the refugees. Perhaps this is a silly concern, but it really bothers my wife.

3. She's only a sophomore. There will be other trips. She hasn't shown, IMO, enough maturity to be on her own.

On the other hand, this would truly be a remarkable experience, and with her best friend going, my daughter will no doubt be miserable if she is forced to stay behind. She will despise us.

We can't decide. I know there are a lot of parents here, so I'd like to get some feedback. TIA.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

 

[timschochet]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

That's interesting. I have no idea. That would definitely make the trip a no go, since I can't afford to send myself or my wife. I'll check. Thanks!

 

[Nick Vermeil]

Discuss the allergy issue directly with the chaperones. If they are comfortable with it, let her go. Use it as leverage for her to clean up her #### at home.

 

[SIDA!]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

That's interesting. I have no idea. That would definitely make the trip a no go, since I can't afford to send myself or my wife. I'll check. Thanks!

That would be a good out for you.

Personally, I am generally of the opinion that most 15 year olds regardless of how well they are doing in school are not old enough to truly appreciate the cost and sacrifice that you as a parent would have to make to fund the trip.

I think there are other opportunities down the road when she gets a little older.

Never having a kid who had an allergy, I can't really weigh in on that issue. But, I am sure I would have some significant reservations. As far as the other issues related to how she treats her stuff...I find that indicative of the fact that she will not probably appreciate it.

Pretty crazy how kids get cell phones for free nowadays and it is basically considered a parental obligation or entitlement.

Now would be a good time for her to work a part time job and save up some money for a future trip that she must go on.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Oh and as far as her room goes, have you tried punching her in the face yet?

 

[timschochet]

Just checked with the school and a parent is NOT required, just info about the allergy and a sign off. So I'm back to square one.

 

[jon_mx]

Tim is concerned with illegal immigrants!

 

[Nick Vermeil]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

That's interesting. I have no idea. That would definitely make the trip a no go, since I can't afford to send myself or my wife. I'll check. Thanks!

That would be a good out for you.

Personally, I am generally of the opinion that most 15 year olds regardless of how well they are doing in school are not old enough to truly appreciate the cost and sacrifice that you as a parent would have to make to fund the trip.

I think there are other opportunities down the road when she gets a little older.

Never having a kid who had an allergy, I can't really weigh in on that issue. But, I am sure I would have some significant reservations. As far as the other issues related to how she treats her stuff...I find that indicative of the fact that she will not probably appreciate it.

Pretty crazy how kids get cell phones for free nowadays and it is basically considered a parental obligation or entitlement.

Now would be a good time for her to work a part time job and save up some money for a future trip that she must go on.

You might be surprised how a little world travel and exposure to other cultures can help on that entitlement front. The timing might be a concern regarding the refugee crisis, but I bet she would have a lot more appreciation for the situation if she goes on the trip and experiences how those countries are talking about it. I doubt she gets any direct exposure to the refugees but the topic will be hard to ignore while she is there.

 

[jon_mx]

My daughter is 21 and has been to over 30 countries, many of which she explored by herself.

 

[Bull Dozier]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

That's interesting. I have no idea. That would definitely make the trip a no go, since I can't afford to send myself or my wife. I'll check. Thanks!

That would be a good out for you.

Personally, I am generally of the opinion that most 15 year olds regardless of how well they are doing in school are not old enough to truly appreciate the cost and sacrifice that you as a parent would have to make to fund the trip.

I think there are other opportunities down the road when she gets a little older.

Never having a kid who had an allergy, I can't really weigh in on that issue. But, I am sure I would have some significant reservations. As far as the other issues related to how she treats her stuff...I find that indicative of the fact that she will not probably appreciate it.

Pretty crazy how kids get cell phones for free nowadays and it is basically considered a parental obligation or entitlement.

Now would be a good time for her to work a part time job and save up some money for a future trip that she must go on.

I pretty much agree with this. My step daughter, now a freshman in high school, had a similar opportunity in her sophomore or junior year, but to somewhere in central/south america. I didn't think she was mature enough. The cost to us was too big of a sacrifice. The "once in a lifetime experience" was tried on me. It was an easy reply for me, I hadn't been there yet. I would love to go on that kind of trip, and I will as soon as I am able to afford it. Maybe it is a once in a lifetime to be ablt to go on THAT trip with THOSE people, but that still doesn't sway me. I know the 15 year old me would never have appreciated that trip as much as the adult me.

Splurging on trips like this just continue to contribute to the entitlement mindset.

 

[Hilts]

I know the allergies are a very real concern, but this is the trip/experience of a lifetime and you're going to have to let her fly on her own at some point. Not an easy call and I wish you the best of luck in making it.

 

[Bucky86]

Tim's wife is a racist!!!

 

[johnnycakes]

Yeah.... That sounds like a trip for senior year.

 

[Chadstroma]

1. The allergy issue. My daughter swears that between herself and the school chaperones, they can handle any issue- but- if something were to happen she would be a continent away, impossible to reach.

With or without the allergy issue- there is always a possibility of something happening. She obviously knows how to keep herself out of trouble and the risk levels goes up a bit because of the language issue. I don't see this really being a good reason for her not to go.

2. The situation in Europe right now, with all the refugees. Perhaps this is a silly concern, but it really bothers my wife.

Non-factor. Refugees don't present any extra risk to anyone.

3. She's only a sophomore. There will be other trips. She hasn't shown, IMO, enough maturity to be on her own.

If you really feel she is not mature enough then do not let her go.

 

[Mr. Ected]

I like the idea of you using the trip as a way to 'straighten' her up. You can use it to have her keep her room orderly and maybe talk about a job or even extra chores around the house as a way to earn spending money for the trip. And just because you have to put in a deposit in 10 days, doesn't mean you couldn't back out at some point before the final payment is due. Use that as a hammer over her head to keep her in line!!

 

[johnnycakes]

High school age bimbos running wild on a 7-day European cruise? Every cherry gets popped on thy trip. Does that make the decision easier?

 

[urbanhack]

My daughter is 21

:headexplode:

 

[urbanhack]

Tim's wife is a racist!!!

pics?

 

[Gawain]

High school age bimbos running wild on a 7-day European cruise? Every cherry gets popped on thy trip. Does that make the decision easier?

This feels like a good time to reflect on tim's views on Roman Polanski, but I'll let someone else dredge up that quote.

 

[[icon]]

IMO you jump on stuff like this... opportunities don't always present themselves and you don't want her looking back at this with regret and holding it over your head. I had an opportunity to go, passed on it. Never got another opportunity. If it's well chaperoned/organized.... let her go.

 

[timschochet]

Well you guys aren't making it any easier.

After I called the school, the teacher running the trip called me back. He said he's had lots of allergy kids, no worries. He said perfectly safe trip, they're nowhere near the refugees, she'll see things she's never seen, and this is his last trip, he's retiring, he doesn't know when the high school will have another, etc. etc. I swear it almost sounded like she coached him on what to say...

 

[jon_mx]

Well you guys aren't making it any easier.

After I called the school, the teacher running the trip called me back. He said he's had lots of allergy kids, no worries. He said perfectly safe trip, they're nowhere near the refugees, she'll see things she's never seen, and this is his last trip, he's retiring, he doesn't know when the high school will have another, etc. etc. I swear it almost sounded like she coached him on what to say...

A pretty good sales pitch answering all your concerns. Except the part about seeing things she never seen before part raises some other concerns.

 

[RCon]

If you do let her go, I'd suggest sending Liam Neeson along as the chaperone.

 

[General Malaise]

Costs $3200, which is relatively cheap. I can certainly afford it.

Well, LA DI DA DA DA.....get a load of 'ol Bill Gates here.



Sounds like she's earned the right to go by virtue of her grades, but has some work to do when it comes to chores and care for her gadgets. I think she sounds responsible enough to handle her allergy and I mean, come on...she's going to have to be counted on to handle this the rest of her life, so you might as well begin trusting her now. The refugee thing is ridiculous. They aren't going to swashbuckle over the side of her cruise ship.

Is the $1,500 refundable? Spring Break is a LONG ways a way, so if it is refundable, I think you have some leverage. If not, you still might consider the following:

- Her behavior at home has to change. Doesn't have to be perfect, but she needs to clean up her act and not be a slob. Failure to improve and the trip from your end is cancelled.

- Have her babysit neighborhood kids, tutor other kids, ref soccer games or find some way to help earn a portion of the money. She has several months to come up with a way to contribute. Set a figure...$500?....and make her work towards it. Have her deposit money she earns towards that goal with you.

My two cents.

 

[Buckfast 1]

I think you should let her go if you can afford it. Most of your hestitation seems to revolve around an uneasiness about having your daughter go off on her own for a week without your parental supervision. While I know that most parents deal with this feeling (especially those whose children have medical issues), you and your wife will eventually have to come to grips with your daughter being off on her own within the next couple years when she goes off to college. It sounds like a great opportunity that might actually help her become more mature and will prepare her for being away from home in the future. I definitely think you could use this opportunity as some leverage to try to get her to improve her habits around the house.

 

[fourd]

My big concern would be 3. But it sounds like she's a good kid overall, so this trip could very well be life changing at this point in her life. She probably doesn't have time from the schedule to do a lot to take a job and work. So I'd set her up with a way to earn the money you're paying by keeping her room clean and doing all the other stuff she needs to. Keep track of it. And don't let her put the stuff off untill later. This is from the father of 4 girls, the youngest in her senior year who just got back from Italy in August.

 

[SIDA!]

If your daughter's allergy is known to the school (in her records) they may actually require a "medical shadow" for liability reasons. This comes up every time we have a school trip.

That's interesting. I have no idea. That would definitely make the trip a no go, since I can't afford to send myself or my wife. I'll check. Thanks!

That would be a good out for you.

Personally, I am generally of the opinion that most 15 year olds regardless of how well they are doing in school are not old enough to truly appreciate the cost and sacrifice that you as a parent would have to make to fund the trip.

I think there are other opportunities down the road when she gets a little older.

Never having a kid who had an allergy, I can't really weigh in on that issue. But, I am sure I would have some significant reservations. As far as the other issues related to how she treats her stuff...I find that indicative of the fact that she will not probably appreciate it.

Pretty crazy how kids get cell phones for free nowadays and it is basically considered a parental obligation or entitlement.

Now would be a good time for her to work a part time job and save up some money for a future trip that she must go on.

You might be surprised how a little world travel and exposure to other cultures can help on that entitlement front. The timing might be a concern regarding the refugee crisis, but I bet she would have a lot more appreciation for the situation if she goes on the trip and experiences how those countries are talking about it. I doubt she gets any direct exposure to the refugees but the topic will be hard to ignore while she is there.

My understanding is that she isn't going to the Congo.

If Tim wants her to gain a little appreciation of her situation I am sure he can send her on a missionary/relief type trip to an impoverished nation or simply tell her that he is donating the cost of the trip to help poor people in Mexico or some other country.

Sure, a trip can help a person appreciate things and see things differently. I am just not buying a pleasure trip disguised as a learning experience that may be the brainchild of a teacher who gets their costs subsidized by the district is truly the right vehicle for this transformation.

 

[John Bender]

Let her go.

Do you want her to turn into the next most prolific poster on the history of the internet like you or get out and see the world?

No brainer IMO. Make it happen timmay - especially if it's no big deal money wise.

 

[shadyridr]

Allergy isn't a concern for me. That can happen anywhere and you can be too late to help anyway. My son is allergic to tree nuts. #2 is a stupid reason and just an excuse. #3 is the main sticking point imo and if you think she's too immature she probably is. 3200 sounds like alot of money for a 15 yr old to go away and too young imo. Tell her she can go away when she's old enough and can pay for it herself.

 

[eoMMan]

Have you watched Taken?

 

[shady inc]

This will probably turn into Taken. Practice your deep scratchy voice:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you."

 

[urbanhack]

Have you watched Hostel?

 

[sbonomo]

IMO you jump on stuff like this... opportunities don't always present themselves and you don't want her looking back at this with regret and holding it over your head. I had an opportunity to go, passed on it. Never got another opportunity. If it's well chaperoned/organized.... let her go.

I was actually going to post about the same thing. I have been all over Europe and have never felt unsafe, with the exception of Romania. My parents were never able to afford a weekend trip to Mexico much less a two-week trip to Europe. I would imagine if i had kids, which i won't, i would want them to have things i didn't. That being said, making a teaching experience. Sounds like she has some growing up to do in a hurry and this could be the catalyst. Good luck, very tough spot to be in. Out of curiosity, how did the other girls parents get comfortable with it? Have you talked to them? Oh, and don't watch Taken or Hostel.

 

[shadyridr]

Have you at least watched Euro Trip?

 

[sports_fan]

I rarely discuss personal issues in this forum, but this one is perplexing me and I can't decide and I only have 10 days to do so:

So my older daughter is 15, just starting her sophomore year at high school. She is a straight A student in all the AP and Honors classes. She is heavily involved in the high school's musical theater and dance programs which pretty much occupies all of her free time. My only complaint with her is that she's a slob and irresponsible with stuff at home- typical teenager, she mistreats her clothes, her iPhone, her laptop, etc. Other than that she's she's everything I could want in a daughter.

Since birth my daughter has been deathly allergic to peanuts and all nuts, and also allergic to eggs and dairy. She carries around an epipen everywhere she goes. She's never had to use it. She's conscious of this and careful, and so are we. OK, onto the situation:

The high school is offering a trip on Spring Break for the musical theater department- a 7 day cruise of Europe. Spain and Italy. Fly from LAX to Spain and then start the cruise. Costs $3200, which is relatively cheap. I can certainly afford it. (They also offer parents to come along as chaperones for $5,000 extra, but that I can NOT afford.) My daughter's best friend is going. For the last couple of nights, my daughter has been begging us to allow her to go. It will be a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc.

Within 10 days I need to make a $1500 deposit.

Besides the fact that she's never been away from us for more than a night or two, my wife and I have 3 concerns:

1. The allergy issue. My daughter swears that between herself and the school chaperones, they can handle any issue- but- if something were to happen she would be a continent away, impossible to reach.

2. The situation in Europe right now, with all the refugees. Perhaps this is a silly concern, but it really bothers my wife.

3. She's only a sophomore. There will be other trips. She hasn't shown, IMO, enough maturity to be on her own.

On the other hand, this would truly be a remarkable experience, and with her best friend going, my daughter will no doubt be miserable if she is forced to stay behind. She will despise us.

We can't decide. I know there are a lot of parents here, so I'd like to get some feedback. TIA.

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 6 seconds. Contains 423 words

 

[Chadstroma]

IMO you jump on stuff like this... opportunities don't always present themselves and you don't want her looking back at this with regret and holding it over your head. I had an opportunity to go, passed on it. Never got another opportunity. If it's well chaperoned/organized.... let her go.

I lean towards this thinking myself though my kids are too young yet.

In general, life is about experiences and relationships. This is a great experience to travel overseas. I am sure if it is with school it will be heavily geared to be educational. How much can she understand and get from the experience? I don't know- goes back to the maturity thing. But for me, my first overseas experiences were deeply impactful and eye opening though I was a few years older than 15.

The other 'issues' to me are not really issues. The experience is something of great worth and a $3K price tag which I am guessing is all inclusive is a great deal.

But if she is not mature enough- she is not mature enough. But then again, someone getting all A's, honors, AP, extra curricular etc has to be fairly mature for her age and prob has 'earned' that kind of trip.

 

[simey]

My nephew went on a school trip to Australia when he was 11. His parents didn't go, but there were chaperones. He loved it, and his parents are very glad he got to experience it.

 

[Chemical X]

i am not a parent......but i live in The notion that take The opportunity now, life is short And fleeting. you may think The opportunity Will present itself again, but your circunstances even tomorrow are unknown. i wish i had a chance to be exposed to other cultures earlier in life. seeing And understanding life outside The US is remarkable. i would have a frank discussion about europe, becoming an adult And understanding responsibility. i would be concerned about The distance And i would likely try to chaperone, but danger lurks in everyones life no matter The locale.

you can go, but when you return i want to know what you learned And that

you Will understand responsibility clearly. if not, this, driving, anything extra doesnt

happen.

 

[comfortably numb]

I rarely discuss personal issues in this forum, but this one is perplexing me and I can't decide and I only have 10 days to do so:

So my older daughter is 15, just starting her sophomore year at high school. She is a straight A student in all the AP and Honors classes. She is heavily involved in the high school's musical theater and dance programs which pretty much occupies all of her free time. My only complaint with her is that she's a slob and irresponsible with stuff at home- typical teenager, she mistreats her clothes, her iPhone, her laptop, etc. Other than that she's she's everything I could want in a daughter.

Since birth my daughter has been deathly allergic to peanuts and all nuts, and also allergic to eggs and dairy. She carries around an epipen everywhere she goes. She's never had to use it. She's conscious of this and careful, and so are we. OK, onto the situation:

The high school is offering a trip on Spring Break for the musical theater department- a 7 day cruise of Europe. Spain and Italy. Fly from LAX to Spain and then start the cruise. Costs $3200, which is relatively cheap. I can certainly afford it. (They also offer parents to come along as chaperones for $5,000 extra, but that I can NOT afford.) My daughter's best friend is going. For the last couple of nights, my daughter has been begging us to allow her to go. It will be a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc.

Within 10 days I need to make a $1500 deposit.

Besides the fact that she's never been away from us for more than a night or two, my wife and I have 3 concerns:

1. The allergy issue. My daughter swears that between herself and the school chaperones, they can handle any issue- but- if something were to happen she would be a continent away, impossible to reach.

2. The situation in Europe right now, with all the refugees. Perhaps this is a silly concern, but it really bothers my wife.

3. She's only a sophomore. There will be other trips. She hasn't shown, IMO, enough maturity to be on her own.

On the other hand, this would truly be a remarkable experience, and with her best friend going, my daughter will no doubt be miserable if she is forced to stay behind. She will despise us.

We can't decide. I know there are a lot of parents here, so I'd like to get some feedback. TIA.

:backsawayslowly:

 

[tonydead]

Have you watched Taken?

Hostel?

 

[comfortably numb]

I'd let her go.

This is what life is about.

My main concern is the immaturity you speak of.

15 is a bit young to go away alone but an immature 15 is even a bit more concerning.

My decision would heavily weigh how I feel she would handle herself and the adults accompanying her. Do I know them well enough to entrust them with my kids well being?

 

[msommer]

My 15 year old daughter was just a week in Spain with her school. No one was molested by refugees.

Pretty sure they know about peanut allergy there too.

Clerly there has to be someone speaking spanish on the trip to ensure the allergy thing is being looked after at every meal

 

[DA RAIDERS]

i went to spain when i was 16. on a well chaperoned trip. so well chaperoned, that i boned one of chaperones. we all drank and partied our asses off. it was a great time!! to this day, 30 years later, my parents still call the outfit that took us, "the center for international drinking."

that being said, let her go.

 

[Tom Skerritt]

You should secretly feed her some peanuts between now and then, and see how she handles it. She will learn how and when to use her epicenter, and you will know if she is responsible enough.

 

[shadyridr]

If she never had to use her epipen how do you know she is deathly allergic to nuts

 

[SIDA!]

i went to spain when i was 16. on a well chaperoned trip. so well chaperoned, that i boned one of chaperones. we all drank and partied our asses off. it was a great time!! to this day, 30 years later, my parents still call the outfit that took us, "the center for international drinking."

that being said, let her go.

Fantastic endorsement! LMAO

 

[McGarnicle]

I think you should let her go, though I recognize I've never given you any cause to believe I would be capable of providing useful advice on this or any other subject.

 

[Chadstroma]

i went to spain when i was 16. on a well chaperoned trip. so well chaperoned, that i boned one of chaperones. we all drank and partied our asses off. it was a great time!! to this day, 30 years later, my parents still call the outfit that took us, "the center for international drinking."

that being said, let her go.

How old was the chaperone?

 

[simey]

My nephew went on a school trip to Australia when he was 11. His parents didn't go, but there were chaperones. He loved it, and his parents are very glad he got to experience it.

This is my dad and nephew at the airport. My nephew is sporting his outback hat he had bought. He is 16 now, and his face still lights up when he talks about his trip. His school trip to Australia was also his first time flying. Anyway, Tim I think you should let her go.