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I sharted... (1 Viewer)

I was thinking about this over the weekend. You didnt really shart did you? Isnt a shart when you try for a fart and get more than you bargained for.

In this case I think you just basically #### your pants.

 
'Abraham said:
'Ray Karpis said:
'Abraham said:
A few other dads I know had heard my situation from texts from their wives (who my wife had texted),
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Wait, what?
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That was confusing.My wife texted some of her female friends about me being sick...then the wives texted their husbands, who were at the dance.
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I hope you have a cool wife. Because I'm picturing a bunch of mom's exchange texts and facebook posts about your sensitive stomach and bowel movement consistency."Ray isn't feeling well. He's had diarrhea three times today and has vomited once.""Oh no! Eddie had diarrhea last week...a touch of a bug. Hope they can make it to the dance!"And so on and so forth...
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:goodposting: seriously I can't stop chuckling!!
 
Can we get this off the front page?I'm much more comfortable with being the "brown dot guy" as opposed to the "brown spot guy."

 
The Time I Dunked on Gilbert Arenas and Sharted My Shorts

I s#at on Agent Zero. Then I almost s#at on myself.
Written by Nick Grant

...

After a night filled with lascivious acts and copious amounts of alcohol (some of which is still in my system), I take the court with some other dudes who play college ball somewhere just as small and insignificant as me. Hibachi strolls into the gym in some unlaced Adidas, so I'm immediately thinking: "Okay cool, he's probably gonna tie those real tight in a minute." NOPE. Gilbert starts the game with untied shoes. Who does this dude think he is? Ugh, I'm already annoyed he isn't taking me seriously. I hope he tweaks his ankle.

The game starts. I still have Henny on my breath and my stomach has definitely been percolating for some time, but of course, I am stuck guarding him because none of my pu$$y-a$$ teammates want to get embarassed. Fu#k it, time to strap up.

The first half is only a partial a$$-busting. Not as bad as I suspected. He's hitting some dumb shots from near halfcourt because he's definitely got some psychological problem that tells him this is acceptable behavior, even in actual NBA games. But I'm fairly quick and strong and, most importantly, can actually jump. So even though Gilbert is probably playing 50 percent, every once in a while I get by him and score.

Before long, of course, Gilbert kicks it into high gear and ####### Usain Bolts down the court right at me with the ball, making some ridiculous move at the last second that leaves me defenseless. He does this a few more times. Going left. Going right. Then, as Gilbert brings it down on me yet again, I start to make another 50-50 decision on which side to defend—until he decides I'm in his way and bulldozes me over like a little bitc# and tries to dunk on me! THE NERVE. Crowd goes wild. I'm silently weeping inside. I don't want to play anymore. I hate basketball. Luckily Gil misses the dunk attempt, but the ref calls a foul on me, which only exacerbates the situation and the fact that I am the intended victim. This I could not stand for.

We're neck and neck and I'm not letting any of this go. I start trying, like, really hard. I want him to pay. By the second half, it's a close game and I'm finally warmed up with (most of) the booze out of my system. Then it happens: I'm cutting down the left flank, someone throws a pass to our center at the foul line, who then feeds me a smooth bounce pass. I take two steps—Agent Zero with me stride for stride—and take off with my left hand gripping the ball, #### back, and...BOOM SHAKALAKA.

What kind of facial is my dunk on Gilbert Arenas? Practically a bukkake. His body slams into mine, with his arm swinging desperately to try and block my attempt. He begins on my right side, which soon becomes my front as I turn my body in the air to #### on his existence. (He may have tried to kiss me midair, I'm not sure). The rim is shaking profusely. I honestly don't remember if Gilbert falls or not, but he had to have at least stumbled when he lands because we bump together hard (pause). No taunting him or staring him down directly, though. My reaction is more towards the crowd since I land facing them straight on. Gilbert goes to line up for my free throw, puts his hands on his knees, and looks down for about 10 seconds as everyone goes nuts. Then someone comes and takes him out of the game.

People are running out of the gym with their cell phones and screaming. I think my dad sheds actual tears of joy. My teammates are jumping on me and I let out a huge roar. Then, a second "it happens": I shart. Bad. Like, if I'm not wearing Spandex, it would be running down my leg to combine the greatest and most horrifying moment of my life in the span of seconds. The crowd is losing their collective #### and I literally almost lose mine.

What is happening? Looking back, it must've been the booze trying to make a run for it in that crazy adrenaline rush. I'm embarassed, but only for myself because no one else knows. I think Gilbert is way more embarassed. He goes and sits on the bench for a couple of minutes to take in what has just happened while people in the stands are still taunting. I'm riding high, even with a little Hershey's Kiss residing in my pants.

Gilbert still ends up giving me a good 40, but I didn't give a ####. Pun intended. He could've given me 60 and pantsed me, exposing my s#itty Spandex shorts, and he still couldn't have knocked me off cloud nine. I had yammed something serious on Gilbert Arenas.
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Today I joined the club.

Totally out of the blue at the end of a business meeting at their office.

We're wrapping it up and setting up the next meeting for next week, and all of a sudden, wham! First a little stomach gurgle I think is just gas, and then in a millisecond, I can't move, every muscle in my body is working as hard as It can to prevent me from exploding. Sweat is immediately starting to roll of my bald head. He's asking me if Monday or Wednesday is better next week. I just looked up and said, "something just hit me I don't fell good." Five seconds later, I gain some control, but I can't estimate how long that control will last, so I decide to make a dash for it. He has a panicked look on his face. Luckily, I knew where the mens room was as I had to take a leak right before the meeting after lunch with the wife. Had I not known exactly where the mens room was, the hallways on the second story of this 2-story office building would have been annihilated.

I make it into the bathroom, but know I have no time to celebrate this achievement. I'm still in danger. I'm wearing my nice, light, business jacket and I know have to get this off first, but I can't. I'm trying so hard to get it off so fast, that it gets a little tangled and it takes me too long to get it off. I finally get it off, and realize I might just make it, and then I don't. In the process of pulling my pants down, I literally destroy the place. The head was in the upper, left corner of the bathroom, next to two walls. I destroy both walls, the back of the toilet, every crevice on the toilet. The little gap between where you take off the lid off the tank and the back off the toilet is full of crap. The plastic cap at the base off the floor that covers the bolt screwed into the floor is covered, on the inside. The force of the blast was beyond epic proportions. Little brown chunks of clam chowder (I had the huge bowl, not cup size) are freaking everywhere in a five foot radius. :insertAZRongraphichere:

I quickly access the situation. Underwear totally destroyed, but it did a great job and they died a hero and were left in the waste basket. Saved my nice biz slacks from major damage, but they did not escape unscathed. I quickly take off my belt and hung it up. Take off the pants all the way finally and there are about a dozen hits of small shrapnel. I quickly try to clean them with some hot water and paper towels and then hang the pants up to dry. I then realize I don't have my phone. It's still in the conference room, about 40 feet away. I am stranded but feel lucky that my pants should be good enough in about an hour, the time it took me to clean up the mess as I went through five rolls of TP and two dozen paper towels. (Cabinet above toilet was well stocked) Right when I finished the guy I was in the meeting with realized I never came out and asked me if I was OK. All I could do was laugh. I was sweating like crazy from cleaning it up. I asked him if he could lead the blocking and get me out of the building w/o anyone noticing and he did.

 
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Seconds away from being a member right before Xmas - was at Macys doing some shopping on 34th st... Feeling good I took a trip to the 4th floor to get buttered pretzel sticks from the Auntie Annes. Finished my shopping and hit the exit. Needed to take a trip down to 13th st to Max Brenners to pick up chocolate gifts for some other folks. Gridlock is bad during the holidays and the subway is right by Macys and Max Brenners, just two stops, so I hopped on... Train came as I got to the platform. The second I get on it hits me, the pain is unbearable and I'm sweating hard on a crowded R train. Train moved quick, no interruptions and I get off at 14th street... Running to 13th st as I don't want to #### my pants on a crowded sidewalk 2 days before Xmas. Never used the bathroom in Max Brenners, but a 6th sense brought me in the right direction. Walked right pass the hostess, didn't say a word and tried to not make eye contact... Made it to the bathroom, place only has one stall, glorious stall, completely enclosed with a regular door, it was empty (& this restaurant was packed!), and without a second to spare I made it :thumbup:

If anything had interfered with my trip from Macys to Max Brenners, I would've absolutely #### my pants on a crowded street or subway or while waiting for the one stall to clear.

 
I'm hoping to have one tonight. First I ate some pretzel sticks dipped in garlic parmesan hummus. Followed up by triscuits and some gouda cheese. Then had some pita chips with spinach dip. Should be a most colorful array.

 
My uncle once told a guy in a stall he would give him $50 if he was out in 20 seconds. The guy did it and my uncle swooped in and then passed him the money under the door after he unloaded just in time.

Said it was the best 50 he ever spent

 
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Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.

 
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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So ####### hot :wub:

 
At least you didn't spray the wall behind you while you were face down in the commode. Count it as a victory.

 
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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Great story! Unfortunately, you didn't shart. You #### your pants.

 
ClownCausedChaos2 said:
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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Great story! Unfortunately, you didn't shart. You #### your pants.
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And this makes the story less funny...how?

 
Tom Servo said:
ClownCausedChaos2 said:
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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Great story! Unfortunately, you didn't shart. You #### your pants.
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And this makes the story less funny...how?
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I said it was a great story.

 
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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When our youngest was in footy-pajamas one night, his diaper wasn't tight enough to contain on the top end. He crapped so much liquipoo that it came out his sleeves (which for some reason we called arm holes).

It sounds like you came pretty close to crapping out your armholes.

 
Tick said:
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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When our youngest was in footy-pajamas one night, his diaper wasn't tight enough to contain on the top end. He crapped so much liquipoo that it came out his sleeves (which for some reason we called arm holes).It sounds like you came pretty close to crapping out your armholes.
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Ewwww... :lmao:

 
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
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Someday I will get my story thread going and I'll tell you all about it.

 
Sarnoff said:
At least you didn't spray the wall behind you while you were face down in the commode. Count it as a victory.
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I was kind of impressed how far the splatters went.

UPDATE: 4th kid is sick now. FML

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
AAABatteries said:
Joined the club Wednesday night. Got 4 kids and the 3 of them ended up with a stomach bug this past weekend. Wife had minor out-patient surgery last Friday and was on bed rest so it was up to me to take care of them. I cleaned up puke about 7 times - once in the car - you know how ####### difficult it is to clean puke out of a car?? Anway, couple days go by so I'm hopeful I'm in the clear. Nope - Wednesday night gets here and I tell me wife I'm starting to not feel well. Next thing I know I'm vomiting until my eyes are bulging out of my head. This happens twice. As I lay in bed wanting to die I realize I'm probably going to have some form of intestinal distress soon. Sure enough, about an hour later I feel like I'm about to pass out. I make it to the toilet, sit down and reenact Jeff Daniels bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber except I have to quickly grab the trashcan and puke while I'm projectile ####ting. Horrific - I want to die. So, I try to be a good husband (since my wife is still recovering) and take the trashcan outside to the back porch to clean up later (big mistake here) because I'm so fatigued and still feel like I'm about to pass out. Another hour goes by and it hits again. Same thing except this time there's no trashcan because like an idiot I left it outside. The vomit starts first so I'm standing over the toilet when OH MY GOD I'VE GOT TO #### suddently hits me. There's nothing I can do - I'm still puking and it hits. Completely and totally #### myself. Even with my underwear on it's like a ####### chocolate pudding machine exploded. All down my legs and feet. I yell for the wife to go get a trash bag. I use a good towel (will never hear the end of that) and my underwear and clean it up and toss it in a bag. Then showered. My only consolation is that I was at home and essentially alone. I can't imagine doing what I did out in public.
Click to expand...
Someday I will get my story thread going and I'll tell you all about it.
Click to expand...
Please do - I'm not nearly the wordsmith that you are.

 
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