Loneliness - A Big Deal (1 Viewer)

[Gatorade]

I would like to add that pickleball's boom in popularity is partially due to humans fleeing from loneliness.

If you are lonely and physically able, pickup a pickleball paddle and let the magic happen.

Pickelball is probably in my future. It feels a little ridiculous TBH. I should be playing poker, or bridge, with my friends, not playing a geriatric version of tennis. But you are 100% correct. I am the weird outlier, and I can either choose to adapt or spent the last three decades of my life watching Netflix and YouTube.

Edit: I will be playing Pickelball at the lowest possible level, with people who take it as seriously as I do. It will be fine. I know that.

This made me laugh out loud, definitely stealing this.

ETA: and Tripitup is right, but still hilarious.

It was described to me as ping pong, but you are standing on the table.

 

[Gatorade]

One good way to make friends is to get a dog and take walks in your neighborhood. We don't have a dog now, but we take walks almost every day and love to interact with the dogs (and dog owners). Most of the people we have met in the neighborhood is thru walking.

 

[TripItUp]

Being retired for four years, I recently started playing pickleball. Prior to this it was mostly me and my wife doing things together. Most of the guys are my age and none take it too seriously. It is not only great for my physical health, but has also been good for my mental health. I now look forward to getting up in the morning to go play instead of sitting around on my phone or watching TV. It will take a few weeks for your body to adjust to the physical activity, but it is worth it. Make sure you buy court shoes.

there are hundreds of thousands of stories like this

 

[TripItUp]

One good way to make friends is to get a dog and take walks in your neighborhood. We don't have a dog now, but we take walks almost every day and love to interact with the dogs (and dog owners). Most of the people we have met in the neighborhood is thru walking.

another great suggestion

my wife has met a slew of friends in our community because of dog walks/groups etc.

 

[Hoh]

Thanks. I saw this article today but it was paywalled. I'll give this a read.

One thing I worry about a lot as I approach retirement is that I know I am highly introverted, and most of my social interaction comes from work. That will all go away in four years. I'm happy with less socializing that most people, but "zero" is not the right answer for anybody. I'll need to make a special point to get more involved in my church or something. Theoretically I should start doing that right now, but like I said, I'm highly introverted and I don't want to deal with that at the moment.

This really surprises me. You seem like a guy everyone would want to have a beer with. You shouldn’t deprive people of the pleasure of your company.

 

[pecorino]

I can't access the article. My simplistic view and what seems to be my incessant drumbeat is that this is connected to the decline of organized religion. So much community was built around the old-school version of the church at the center of town (like in Europe) or here in the US with events happening at the church hall. My mantra for this century: If religion is the opiate of the masses then we can expect withdrawal to wallop us as we move away from it. Tech and our current state of politics are obviously fueling this, too.

 

[Judge Smails]

I'll give a slightly different take. I know it sounds mean but I'm pretty confident in it.

People are chronically lazy.

Having meaningful, interpersonal relationships takes work. And many, many people can't even with that anymore.

This. Relationships need to be watered/nurtured or they die. I have a big social group with tight relationships. 24 guys who have played in a Ryder Cup tourney for 30+ years. Fantasy football league for decades. Those 2 groups are now in year round WhatsApp groups that often has a 100 posts when you check it. Some
Just typical guy banter but it’s a lot more than that. Has led to us taking family trips together (6 couples in Ireland, etc) concerts, dinners and more. We have discussions every day. It’s a huge support group. We’ve had people with serious illnesses and the guys show up at the hospital. Guy is in a pinch financially and we chip in so he can be funded at our tourney. Death in the family - we’re there. Lots of laughs and trash talk but amazing support for anything that is going on in life. Happened this week with guys taking in those who had to evacuate from the fires. Also have the same with a lot of former colleagues I’ve stayed tight with over the years. We are blessed.

But relationships take work. If you extend invitations to get together and reach out several times and the answer is always no then guess what - those invitations stop coming. Happened with a guy who was my closest friend. Best men at each other’s wedding. Fireman. Great guy. Loved his wife and kids too. He just never engaged beyond our annual happy birthday texts and now I never see him except at funerals. He just chose to be a homebody. That’s cool but can lead to loneliness later. You get what you give. I’ll never be lonely. But I focus on giving/reciprocating and put the effort in

 

[Jayrod]

I'm am extrovert, but I've found that means I need MORE interaction than the average person or I start to get agitated/depressed.

I work as an accountant which is an isolated job, even when in the office. My wife is introverted and works in teaching where she gets all the human interaction she can usually handle.

That made for a tense and difficult dynamic at the beginning of our marriage where I wanted to go and do social stuff almost every night and she almost never wanted to.

The thing that really solved the problem was when I got into officiating football and basketball. Suddenly I was going out with guys 3 nights a week, being social, getting exercise and making money. It's been one of the best things I've ever done in my life and I still really enjoy it after 15 years.

 

[NewlyRetired]

I am the exact opposite of most.

The more social interactions I have, the more depressed and anxious I feel. I literally dread them (have trouble sleeping, shortness of breath etc etc.) I am never more happy and content than I am when I am on my own.

 

[hagmania]

Even now, before AI has mastered fluent speech, millions of people are already forming intimate relationships with machines, according to Jason Fagone, a journalist who is writing a book about the emergence of AI companions. Character.ai, the most popular platform for AI companions, has tens of millions of monthly users, who spend an average of 93 minutes a day chatting with their AI friend. “No one is getting duped into thinking they’re actually talking to humans,” Fagone told me. “People are freely choosing to enter relationships with artificial partners, and they’re getting deeply attached anyway, because of the emotional capabilities of these systems.” One subject in his book is a young man who, after his fiancée’s death, engineers an AI chatbot to resemble his deceased partner. Another is a bisexual mother who supplements her marriage to a man with an AI that identifies as a woman.

Black Mirror did this. The first several seasons of that show were so smart and prescient about the time that we were entering.

The humanities actually kind of know what they're talking about when they pick up stuff like this a decade before anybody else. They might not be able to explain it in an Atlantic-style article, but they can express it viscerally.

Science and Art are different vectors originating from the vertex of imagination

 

[Long Ball Larry]

I am the exact opposite of most.

The more social interactions I have, the more depressed and anxious I feel. I literally dread them (have trouble sleeping, shortness of breath etc etc.) I am never more happy and content than I am when I am on my own.

I don't know if you're the opposite of most. I actually had this exact same conversation with someone out socially the other night and she was saying that social situations with a lot of people can feel overwhelming, even though most people can handle it. Something like 40% of people are introverts and beyond that, the spectrum of introversion and extroversion is a lot more nuanced than it is sometimes made out to be. Everyone has preferences but many factors will influence how those preferences express themselves in any situation. I of course trust your own experience, but I just wanted to comment initial comment.

Partly because it dovetails with something that I was going to say, which relates to attribution error. I can't read the article, but on the podcast, the professor mentioned that this cognitive bias appears to be a big part of what prevents people from connecting. We all tend to think that we know what other people are thinking and feeling, but we are frequently incorrect. In this context, people tend to think that other people won't be interested in what they have to say or that they will look weird if they say something or whatever. This can lead to a sel-fulfilling prophecy where that belief never gets challenged, so people continue to hold it. Anyway, I bring this up because it is something that I have become more aware of in myself recently. I have been interested in this issue of loneliness and social isolation for a while, largely because I don't know that I ever feel lonely and enjoy doing things by myself. But I also have noticed that there is something that I do want outside of myself. I can't tell for sure what kind of social connection that might be, if any, but even though I am probably happiest alone, I do have some compulsion to variety and I do feel better when I spend a little time getting out of my head and trying to interact with others. And recently I have specifically been focused on this issue of being inhibited due to what I think other people's expectations are or reactions will be. So I being much more mindful of it and working on combatting it. Anyway, that was a piece of the professor's research that resonated with me, whether it;s totally universal or not, so I wanted to highlight it.

(Sorry, this whole response isn't really meant to be directed at you, i just kind of evolved from there...)

 

[Joe Bryant]

We all tend to think that we know what other people are thinking and feeling, but we are frequently incorrect. In this context, people tend to think that other people won't be interested in what they have to say or that they will look weird if they say something or whatever. This can lead to a sel-fulfilling prophecy where that belief never gets challenged, so people continue to hold it.

Strongly agree with this. I think tons of connections get missed because both sides incorrectly think the other person isn't interested.

The only thing I know to break through that is just take the chance that they may be interested. And be intentional about being as interesting as you can. There are some skills for conversation that we all can use to be better. The biggest and easiest big picture skill there I think is simply be genuinely interested in the other person. That's a great place to start.

 

[TheBaylorKid]

Any article that quotes fiction author Neal Stephenson is a good one.

My company switched to remote for 95% of employees, I definitely feel isolated in this setting. I go into the office 1 - 2 days a week to break things up. But not many people are there. I do miss going out to lunch on Friday with people. We have these resource groups at work but really I don’t fit in any of them unless I want to be an ally. Pretty much have to mentor young employees or get real interested in cybersecurity as the 2 groups I could see myself as an ally.

I take communion to the nursing home down the street twice a month. That will put loneliness in your face. I bring my kids with me and the smiles and joy my kids bring to those folks by just showing up is amazing.

Wife and I get a lot of social through our church community.

I don’t have any real insights, I’m an introvert but find getting involved outside the home is good for me.

 

[Hastur]

I have recently noticed loneliness in my life. I'm married with two teenagers. No hobbies(besides cooking, which has almost no socialization), no real activities outside of the home. I recently joined a book club(after being encouraged by my wife), but that only meets once a month. I think I need more than that.

I've been thinking of joining a local Ju-jitsu club/dojo/center. I did Judo for a couple years, and Wing Chun kung fu for about 4 years. I'm in my mid-fifties, so I'm not sure how my back and knees would react to that lol.

 

[Sammy3469]

We all tend to think that we know what other people are thinking and feeling, but we are frequently incorrect. In this context, people tend to think that other people won't be interested in what they have to say or that they will look weird if they say something or whatever. This can lead to a sel-fulfilling prophecy where that belief never gets challenged, so people continue to hold it.

Strongly agree with this. I think tons of connections get missed because both sides incorrectly think the other person isn't interested.

The only thing I know to break through that is just take the chance that they may be interested. And be intentional about being as interesting as you can. There are some skills for conversation that we all can use to be better. The biggest and easiest big picture skill there I think is simply be genuinely interested in the other person. That's a great place to start.

Even if they aren't interested most people will feign interest. The Internet has conditioned folks to assume everyone's response will be curt; however, that's almost never the case. People in general aren't ****** in person even if they aren't interested especially if you are asking them about something that pertains to them.