Married FBG - How Long Did You Wait? (1 Viewer)

[Henry Ford]

My brother has a young adult son, and is trying to give advice about dating, sex, and finding a woman to be with forever. However, most people we know are not going to honestly discuss at what point in the relationship they started riding the hobby horse with their spouses.

This poll and topic will be used to discuss the relative pros and cons of sex early in a dating relationship when trying to find a woman to spend the rest of your life with, with a young man.

Poll results are not public, but mentioning how many years you've been married in the thread when providing a discussion answer is appreciated.

 

[mr roboto]

Wedding night. Married 9 years. Don't know how to vote.

 

[the moops]

don't remember exactly but probably no more than a handful of dates. couple weeks tops

married 5 years or so

 

[Henry Ford]

Wedding night. Married 9 years. Don't know how to vote.

Did you have 15 or more dates before you got married?

 

[Henry Ford]

Oh, and I'm in the "15 or more dates" camp. Married for almost 20 years.

 

[mr roboto]

I know it's pretty passé now, but I would think 'waited until marriage' would be an option.

 

[Henry Ford]

I know it's pretty passé now, but I would think 'waited until marriage' would be an option.

That is not expected, nor encouraged in our family. I would be happy to add it as an option.

 

[Mad Cow]

Wedding night. Married 20 years this summer.

 

[Henry Ford]

"Waited until marriage" added at the end of the poll - simply because I didn't want to screw up the previous votes.

 

[Balance]

Married 11 years. 3rd ish date.

 

[UniAlias]

Not married yet but it will depend on whether I text or call her for that first date.

 

[spOOfy]

15 or more dates. Married 15 years this summer. We dated in high school if that skews it any.

 

[RUSF18]

Voted for "between 2nd and 3rd" because I think that made the most sense given our situation.

Met my wife at a common friend's apartment before going out with a big group. We liked each other, kissed a little at the bar, got hammered, and fooled around a bit at our friend's apartment later. Reached out to her a few days later to see her again and really take her out, we were trying to plan something, and in the meantime, bumped into each other a couple times in the city over the next couple weeks. She would come back to my apartment and we stopped just short of doing the deed. Finally took her out to dinner, our first official date, and it happened that night. My advanced math degree tells me that three nights of drunken hookups equate to about 1.5 dates, so that's where I get between 2 and 3.

For us though, and to answer the bigger question, when we had sex for the first time, we were at the point where none of us were actively looking for other people. I think that's the key if you're talking about this topic with someone you either hope to have a future with, or you know there is no future with. I don't think that if two people sleep together after the first date, it says anything negative about them...sex is awesome after all, and everyone should have a lot of it. But I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with a girl I saw a real future with if I was going to be trying to bang some other girl a few days later.

We'll be married for a year in June.

 

[pollardsvision]

2nd date, but it occurred 6 weeks after the first date (we were living 1000 miles apart during that time).

 

[Henry Ford]

Voted for "between 2nd and 3rd" because I think that made the most sense given our situation.

Met my wife at a common friend's apartment before going out with a big group. We liked each other, kissed a little at the bar, got hammered, and fooled around a bit at our friend's apartment later. Reached out to her a few days later to see her again and really take her out, we were trying to plan something, and in the meantime, bumped into each other a couple times in the city over the next couple weeks. She would come back to my apartment and we stopped just short of doing the deed. Finally took her out to dinner, our first official date, and it happened that night. My advanced math degree tells me that three nights of drunken hookups equate to about 1.5 dates, so that's where I get between 2 and 3.

For us though, and to answer the bigger question, when we had sex for the first time, we were at the point where none of us were actively looking for other people. I think that's the key if you're talking about this topic with someone you either hope to have a future with, or you know there is no future with. I don't think that if two people sleep together after the first date, it says anything negative about them...sex is awesome after all, and everyone should have a lot of it. But I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with a girl I saw a real future with if I was going to be trying to bang some other girl a few days later.

We'll be married for a year in June.

This is kind of the conversation that's being planned.

 

[McGarnicle]

Third date, I think. She was reluctant but it was one of those things where we were really into each other immediately and wanted to hang out all the time.

Before that, most girls I dated were putting out on the first date, at least oral if not full intercourse. And I would bang them until I got bored, usually having at least 2 or 3 in the rotation at any one time. Often they would start to have feelings but I considered them just whores who existed for my amusement. Then with my wife, the dynamic was completely different from day 1 which really freaked me out for a while. Then I realized I didn't ever want to not have her in my life.

Just celebrated 7 year anniversary last week.

 

[RUSF18]

Voted for "between 2nd and 3rd" because I think that made the most sense given our situation.

Met my wife at a common friend's apartment before going out with a big group. We liked each other, kissed a little at the bar, got hammered, and fooled around a bit at our friend's apartment later. Reached out to her a few days later to see her again and really take her out, we were trying to plan something, and in the meantime, bumped into each other a couple times in the city over the next couple weeks. She would come back to my apartment and we stopped just short of doing the deed. Finally took her out to dinner, our first official date, and it happened that night. My advanced math degree tells me that three nights of drunken hookups equate to about 1.5 dates, so that's where I get between 2 and 3.

For us though, and to answer the bigger question, when we had sex for the first time, we were at the point where none of us were actively looking for other people. I think that's the key if you're talking about this topic with someone you either hope to have a future with, or you know there is no future with. I don't think that if two people sleep together after the first date, it says anything negative about them...sex is awesome after all, and everyone should have a lot of it. But I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with a girl I saw a real future with if I was going to be trying to bang some other girl a few days later.

We'll be married for a year in June.

This is kind of the conversation that's being planned.

I think a takeaway of...if you're not sure, it's okay to keep up with the physical things...is a good approach. But once you know you have no interest in her long term, cut off the sex as soon as you can tell her feelings aren't the same. Basically, don't be a #### on purpose. A couple years before my wife, I was having pretty regular sex with a girl who was pretty cool and cute enough that she was well worth having on standby after a night out, but I didn't want anything more. Could have kept that going for a long time but then over back to back weekends she asked me if I wanted to go see some Broadway play with her and then some movie, it was time to walk away.

 

[Foosball God]

15 or more dates, married 15 years.

 

[the moops]

how old is this young adult son?

 

[seahawk 17]

Let me give advice on what type of girl to avoid....

First wife, we met because her car wouldn't start. I get in the car and it was in drive. I put it into park and started the car. (Red flag #1.) She jumps in and asks how she can repay me, I advise she can buy me a beer. She says, "I was thinking of some immediate payment." and gives me . (Red flag #2)

Lasted 10 years, but she is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

2nd wife three dates spread out over 4 weeks.

 

[the moops]

 

[Henry Ford]

What is?

 

[Henry Ford]

how old is this young adult son?

Heading off to college.

Edit: And no, no one expects him to not have massive amounts of sex, often with people he doesn't know very well. This is life advice before he leaves the house. The kind of thing that needs to be discussed a few times with a few different male figures so it's in the back of his head. Way too early to settle down, but not too early to start thinking like a man.

 

[the moops]

how old is this young adult son?

Heading off to college.

then why the hell are you asking us old married guys? college is no time to think about settling down

 

[the moops]

ahh

 

[Henry Ford]

how old is this young adult son?

Heading off to college.

then why the hell are you asking us old married guys? college is no time to think about settling down

I don't know about most families, but in mine, once the kid goes off to college, he's out of the house. He'll be back at holidays, but he's probably going to end up living a full and productive life away from his dad, and me, and his grandfather, and needs to have these things talked about while he's still in high school and has to listen.

He's smart, he's a good kid, he's got a lot going for him, and he's definitely the kind of kid who will one day be a great husband and father - provided he actually thinks things through. Just want to have this in the back of his head before he starts going insane at college and beyond.

 

[[icon]]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

 

[Henry Ford]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

how old is this young adult son?

47

 

[Henry Ford]

Voted for "between 2nd and 3rd" because I think that made the most sense given our situation.

Met my wife at a common friend's apartment before going out with a big group. We liked each other, kissed a little at the bar, got hammered, and fooled around a bit at our friend's apartment later. Reached out to her a few days later to see her again and really take her out, we were trying to plan something, and in the meantime, bumped into each other a couple times in the city over the next couple weeks. She would come back to my apartment and we stopped just short of doing the deed. Finally took her out to dinner, our first official date, and it happened that night. My advanced math degree tells me that three nights of drunken hookups equate to about 1.5 dates, so that's where I get between 2 and 3.

For us though, and to answer the bigger question, when we had sex for the first time, we were at the point where none of us were actively looking for other people. I think that's the key if you're talking about this topic with someone you either hope to have a future with, or you know there is no future with. I don't think that if two people sleep together after the first date, it says anything negative about them...sex is awesome after all, and everyone should have a lot of it. But I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with a girl I saw a real future with if I was going to be trying to bang some other girl a few days later.

We'll be married for a year in June.

This is kind of the conversation that's being planned.

I think a takeaway of...if you're not sure, it's okay to keep up with the physical things...is a good approach. But once you know you have no interest in her long term, cut off the sex as soon as you can tell her feelings aren't the same. Basically, don't be a #### on purpose. A couple years before my wife, I was having pretty regular sex with a girl who was pretty cool and cute enough that she was well worth having on standby after a night out, but I didn't want anything more. Could have kept that going for a long time but then over back to back weekends she asked me if I wanted to go see some Broadway play with her and then some movie, it was time to walk away.

I have some significant regrets for stringing along two different women in particular, when I was 27 and 28, though not intentionally. I was working out a lot at the time and really putting a lot of effort into attracting women. Prior to that was a dry period, so when I was suddenly getting lots of dates I didn't know how to handle it. Also being new to the south I wanted to travel around as much as possible and check out the beaches, mountains, etc. I had these two consecutive "relationships" that lasted 6-8 months each where I treated both as girlfriends and took them on a lot of these trips. I didn't take either of them seriously but was addicted to having sex with them as much as possible. Both really wanted me to propose, which I knew, and acknowledged as little as possible until they wouldn't tolerate that anymore. I was completely selfish and wasted their time, and I feel bad about it now. I never had any male role model sit down and talk to me about this stuff, so I just acted like a kid in a candy store at the women's expense.

Exactly why we want to have this conversation with him now. Great example.

 

[Keerock]

I guessed between 8-14. Been married 25 years.

 

[RUSF18]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

I'm sure a lot of this comes back to family or religious values, but I think for what you're looking for, you just want to tell the kid to think through his decisions and be smart. If you start filling his head with too many enormous ideas, it will become overkill. What McG is saying about his own life lessons and regrets, and where I was coming from as I was going through my mid 20s, are things that a 17 or 18 year old kid likely can't fully grasp yet.

Telling him "be safe, be smart, and be a good guy" is really simple advice that he can handle at this point, and it will carry over to him making smart decisions as he gets out of college and starts really planning his own future.

 

[McGarnicle]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

Isn't it normal for a kid that age to go through that phase though? Just bang everything that moves for a while?

Pretty sure that's been a common trend with the high school and college set for a long time now -- the hookup culture with few steady relationships. Seems like it makes sense at that age, since people are getting married later and later. Other than stressing the importance of respect and using protection, I can't imagine there is any talk you can have with a kid that age that is going to steer him away from that buffet table if it's open to him.

 

[Henry Ford]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

I'm sure a lot of this comes back to family or religious values, but I think for what you're looking for, you just want to tell the kid to think through his decisions and be smart. If you start filling his head with too many enormous ideas, it will become overkill. What McG is saying about his own life lessons and regrets, and where I was coming from as I was going through my mid 20s, are things that a 17 or 18 year old kid likely can't fully grasp yet.

Telling him "be safe, be smart, and be a good guy" is really simple advice that he can handle at this point, and it will carry over to him making smart decisions as he gets out of college and starts really planning his own future.

I appreciate the thought, but we're definitely going this route with the discussion. For one, every man in my family has gotten married before the age of 30, and every one who has gone to college has met his wife before leaving college. So it's timely for what has happened in my family in the past.

 

[Henry Ford]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

Isn't it normal for a kid that age to go through that phase though? Just bang everything that moves for a while?

Pretty sure that's been a common trend with the high school and college set for a long time now -- the hookup culture with few steady relationships. Seems like it makes sense at that age, since people are getting married later and later. Other than stressing the importance of respect and using protection, I can't imagine there is any talk you can have with a kid that age that is going to steer him away from that buffet table if it's open to him.

Of course it is. And I'm not trying to steer him away from it. But he doesn't need a creepy uncle egging him on. I didn't sit him down and tell him to just jerk it until it pops off when he was twelve, either, but I don't begrudge him that, either.

 

[RUSF18]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

I'm sure a lot of this comes back to family or religious values, but I think for what you're looking for, you just want to tell the kid to think through his decisions and be smart. If you start filling his head with too many enormous ideas, it will become overkill. What McG is saying about his own life lessons and regrets, and where I was coming from as I was going through my mid 20s, are things that a 17 or 18 year old kid likely can't fully grasp yet.Telling him "be safe, be smart, and be a good guy" is really simple advice that he can handle at this point, and it will carry over to him making smart decisions as he gets out of college and starts really planning his own future.

I appreciate the thought, but we're definitely going this route with the discussion. For one, every man in my family has gotten married before the age of 30, and every one who has gone to college has met his wife before leaving college. So it's timely for what has happened in my family in the past.

Again, it's your family so you know best, but I'd be worried about putting those expectations on a kid. He might think that if he doesn't come home from college with a girl to marry, it means he's a failure or there's something wrong with him. And the last thing you'd want is for him to rush into something he's not ready for, or to settle with a girl he isn't really into. I think that's the nicer way of summarizing the "#### everything that moves" stance: don't rush into getting attached.

 

[Henry Ford]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

I'm sure a lot of this comes back to family or religious values, but I think for what you're looking for, you just want to tell the kid to think through his decisions and be smart. If you start filling his head with too many enormous ideas, it will become overkill. What McG is saying about his own life lessons and regrets, and where I was coming from as I was going through my mid 20s, are things that a 17 or 18 year old kid likely can't fully grasp yet.Telling him "be safe, be smart, and be a good guy" is really simple advice that he can handle at this point, and it will carry over to him making smart decisions as he gets out of college and starts really planning his own future.

I appreciate the thought, but we're definitely going this route with the discussion. For one, every man in my family has gotten married before the age of 30, and every one who has gone to college has met his wife before leaving college. So it's timely for what has happened in my family in the past.

Again, it's your family so you know best, but I'd be worried about putting those expectations on a kid. He might think that if he doesn't come home from college with a girl to marry, it means he's a failure or there's something wrong with him. And the last thing you'd want is for him to rush into something he's not ready for, or to settle with a girl he isn't really into. I think that's the nicer way of summarizing the "#### everything that moves" stance: don't rush into getting attached.

Which is also good advice he's gotten for a long time. We'd like to balance that with this discussion.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Wait?

I don't understand.

 

[Henry Ford]

Wait?

I don't understand.

How long did it take you to get her taped up and in the trunk?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Wait?

I don't understand.

How long did it take you to get her taped up and in the trunk?

Tape is for amateurs.

 

[Henry Ford]

Wait?

I don't understand.

How long did it take you to get her taped up and in the trunk?

Tape is for amateurs.

So... before first date, then?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

We went to the same college and knew each other for a year or so. We even went out a few times together with our previous sig others. I believe Tanner's generation would refer to them as double dates. I guess the answer to the question would technically be zero. It'll be 17 years later this year.

 

[Courtjester]

I would say around 10 dates. We dated for 2 years, were engaged for 2 years and have been married for 20 years.

 

[McGarnicle]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

Isn't it normal for a kid that age to go through that phase though? Just bang everything that moves for a while?

Pretty sure that's been a common trend with the high school and college set for a long time now -- the hookup culture with few steady relationships. Seems like it makes sense at that age, since people are getting married later and later. Other than stressing the importance of respect and using protection, I can't imagine there is any talk you can have with a kid that age that is going to steer him away from that buffet table if it's open to him.

Of course it is. And I'm not trying to steer him away from it. But he doesn't need a creepy uncle egging him on. I didn't sit him down and tell him to just jerk it until it pops off when he was twelve, either, but I don't begrudge him that, either.

Most importantly, purchase a variety of whores of all different ethnicities so that he can decide which type he likes best.

 

[snogger]

Went with "15 or more dates"

We waited about 3 months.. Saw each other almost daily during that time as we worked at the same place.

Will be married 23 years this June so well worth it

 

[BigJim®]

####... going off to college? Tell him to wrap it up and try to wear the damn thing out.

This is a good example of the kind of advice I would never give to a kid.

I probably wind up somewhere in the middle. I think advice is fine, but I'd be uncomfortable advocating either the "she has to be the one" or "go crazy" standard. On the former, I think it is a disservice to a young man to brainwash him to put it on a pedestal, or think this is the only gal for him once he takes that step. Hopefully he'll date a lot of ladies before deciding the right match, and I wouldn't want my son to be shattered by failed relationships with that sort of mindset. Similarly, I'm not a huge fan of the "go crazy" standard where sex is pure recreation and he stands to miss out on something bigger on the crusade. I have about a decade to prep for this but I'll more likely advocate safe sex and judgment more than morality.

 

[[icon]]

For one, every man in my family has gotten married before the age of 30, and every one who has gone to college has met his wife before leaving college. So it's timely for what has happened in my family in the past.

Yeah and I'm sure every one paid under a buck a gallon for gas too.... Here's the reality HTH.

You guys might want to take out your hearing aids, put on your glasses and take a look at the world HE is growing up in, vs trying to force him into your timeline.

Just sayin.

 

[belljr]

My wife was a few dates but honestly we were ready to go after the first time we met. We both wanted to slow it down. Been together for 18 years now.

It helped that I messed around a lot in college...

 

[Henry Ford]

For one, every man in my family has gotten married before the age of 30, and every one who has gone to college has met his wife before leaving college. So it's timely for what has happened in my family in the past.

Yeah and I'm sure every one paid under a buck a gallon for gas too.... HTH.

You guys might want to take out your hearing aids, put on your glasses and take a look at the world HE is growing up in, vs trying to force him into your timeline.

Just sayin.

You're aware that nothing I've said is an attempt to get him to adhere to any timeline, right? I mean, feel free to rant if you want, but neither his father nor I have ever suggested he not have have sex, that he settle down soon, or any of that. In fact, if you'll go ahead and read the post you just replied to, the median age for getting married in the graph you just posted is in line with my post.

If the median marriage age is 28.5, and good advice is "be with someone for a few years before you pop the question unless you're absolutely sure," when do you suggest you start talking to kids about real relationships which can develop into something that might last? After college, when his opportunity to meet women is significantly diminished?

 

[Henry Ford]

I and my brother firmly believe you should talk to kids about things before they do them. I know his dad and I both talked to him about drugs in elementary school. About sex before middle school. About strangers before he was leaving the house on his own.

Why would you wait to discuss the idea of serious, long-term monogamous relationships until he's already in one he hopes might go there? Because it's not a "danger" thing, you just let him figure it out on his own?