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*Official Adoption Thread* (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter GroveDiesel
- Start date
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Got it. Thanks. It does seem rather ridiculous.If you do an international adoption and fly over to see the child before it is finalized in the other country, then the child gets an IR3 visa and becomes a US citizen upon entering the country.If you do NOT visit beforehand, then the child gets an IR4 visa and the adoption is not considered final in the US. Which means that legally we're still only considered guardians and our daughter is not a US citizen. So we need to adopt her in the state of New Jersey to legally become her parents and obtain a State of NJ birth certificate. We then have to send that to INS to get her Certificate of Citizenship and US passport which makes her a US citizen.Sorry if you've explained this earlier, but what exactly does this mean?Ugh. So my wife and I are starting to finally get around to re-adopting our little girl here in the U.S. I'm hoping to do it pro se since the whole process has already been so expensive. It would be nice to save a few bucks. The state of NJ isn't making it easy though. Basically I have to go to the local law library, read up on how to write up the forms to submit to the court, write up about 4 legal documents, get fingerprinted...again, etc.
Maybe it's like this in every state, but it seems ridiculous that there aren't just some forms to fill out, but that I have to actually write up a Complaint for Adoption, Affidavit of Monies Paid, Final Judgement, etc. Talk about throwing a bone to the lawyers in the state. Much less intimidating to hire an attorney to do all that stuff than have to go find a book at the law library and figure it out yourself.
All because of when you meet your child for the first time.
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Worm
slimy ninja
We are on the email list for our adoption agency that we have used in the past. Every now and then we get emails from them, which most of the time are to inform of a child in need either overseas or from a local DSS. And every single time, it breaks my heart. Last week we got one in particular that struck me, and I just couldn't keep it together on my drive home.
I feel very blessed to have the awesome kids that I do (and also blessed for the ones on the way), but just wish I could do more. I wish we could adopt every single one that I see.
Sorry, just venting my frustrations.
I feel very blessed to have the awesome kids that I do (and also blessed for the ones on the way), but just wish I could do more. I wish we could adopt every single one that I see.
Sorry, just venting my frustrations.
Giant Wooden Badger
the Beav
That is precisely why I am not on any sort of email list from our agency. Feel the same way.
Early_10
footballgoddess
Opt out of the emails. Seriously. I'm already wanting to adopt all of them even if it ruins me.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
We might have an opportunity to adopt another little boy. Still very early in the process, but just wanted to throw it out there so that those of you who pray might join us in prayer about this. Please pray for wisdom, discernment, patience, etc. We just want to make sure it's the right fit for both us and this little guy. He's 2 months old and apparently in good health...no drug or alcohol issues with mom. He is currently in foster care with the pastor of our previous church.
I always thought I wanted to adopt a little girl after getting our son, but I have to admit that I'm pretty excited about the possibility of have a couple of boys running around the house. Probably would be a whole lot less expensive too.
I always thought I wanted to adopt a little girl after getting our son, but I have to admit that I'm pretty excited about the possibility of have a couple of boys running around the house. Probably would be a whole lot less expensive too.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Well it took a while, but it's down to us and 2 other families. We meet with the birth mother next Tuesday. Our agency said they don't like to run adoption processes like this, but they are not the ones running things. The birth mother requested meeting with the three couples to see with whom she felt the best connection.
So we'll meet with mom next week and see what happens.
So we'll meet with mom next week and see what happens.
LarryAllen'sJockstrap
Footballguy
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Thanks!Good luck.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Wow, sometimes things can get a little complicated.
We're still waiting for a decision from the birth mom on the little boy. But we got contacted this morning by Beaver County and they have a little girl being released from the hospital tomorrow and they need to place her in a home. She was premature and was born drug-addicted. Mom was apparently using coke and some other pretty hardcore stuff. Not sure of any more details.
Anyone here ever deal with a drug-addicted baby? Care to share your experience? Just wondering if two parents working full-time and raising a 2-yr-old have the time it would take to give this little girl what she needs.
If the little boy's mom chooses us, we're going to go forward with that adoption and there's no way we could take in the little girl. But if not, then we have a decision to make. Prayers and/or advice appreciated.
We're still waiting for a decision from the birth mom on the little boy. But we got contacted this morning by Beaver County and they have a little girl being released from the hospital tomorrow and they need to place her in a home. She was premature and was born drug-addicted. Mom was apparently using coke and some other pretty hardcore stuff. Not sure of any more details.
Anyone here ever deal with a drug-addicted baby? Care to share your experience? Just wondering if two parents working full-time and raising a 2-yr-old have the time it would take to give this little girl what she needs.
If the little boy's mom chooses us, we're going to go forward with that adoption and there's no way we could take in the little girl. But if not, then we have a decision to make. Prayers and/or advice appreciated.
Follows Closely
Footballguy
How would this work, would you rely on daycare?
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Still waiting on a decision from the birth mom. She was supposed to decide on Friday, but her counselor was unable to get in touch with her. Hoping to have a decision today. We have a lot of plans we need to finalize if we are going to end up taking the little girl, but we really can't do any of it until we know what is happening with the little boy.
[tompetty] Yeah the waiting is the hardest part. [/tompetty]
[tompetty] Yeah the waiting is the hardest part. [/tompetty]
phatdawg
Footballguy
You're not kidding. The waiting and uncertainty of the adoption process is much more difficult than I ever imagined.My wife and I were matched with a birthmother after a relatively short time on a list. We met her on Mother's Day (was an interesting day for a first meeting) and she chose us. She hadn't had any prenatal care up to that point and hadn't even seen a doctor. She estimated that her due date was June 19. She has been to the doctor regularly after that initial meeting and the baby appears to be healthy. Her due date has obviously come and gone. Her new due date — as estimated by the doctor — is July 28. My wife and I are excited and anxious. Though she has never given any indication that she is wavering in her decision, we are nervous about the possibility of her changing her mind. I never imagined I would be this heavily invested this soon.Anyway, your family will be in my prayers CrossEyed.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Thanks phatdawg, I'll be praying for your family also. Do you have any other children?
phatdawg
Footballguy
No. God willing, this will be our first.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Well, I will certainly pray. I know how emotional things were with our first adoption. It's a little easier the second time through, although still a bit nerve-racking.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Well, the little boy's mom selected a family who has no children. I'm happy for them. I remember how hard it was waiting for God to give us our first child.
So we're going to go through another foster-to-adopt with the little girl. Life just got a whole lot more interesting.
So we're going to go through another foster-to-adopt with the little girl. Life just got a whole lot more interesting.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Got a little more information. Some of the info we got last week wasn't completely accurate. The situation isn't as bleak as they first thought, although it's still pretty bad.
The little girl's dad is 57 and has been in and out of prison his whole life. He just got released last Friday. He has had multiple children taken away from him over the years and also has multiple adult children who have also been in and out of jail. He is already giving them excuses as to why he can't make it to visits and complete services.
The mom is 34. She was using cocaine and methadone while she was pregnant (baby was born addicted to both), and has failed two drug screens in the past month. She has another scheduled today.
Because they live together, they are required to complete services together. So even if mom decides to make an effort, if dad doesn't they will not get the baby back. Unless mom leaves dad and raises the child on her own. Given her drug usage during the pregnancy and since, that doesn't seem likely.
The county is going to leave the little girl with her current foster mom (not interested in adoption) for a few weeks and see how things go. They don't expect the parents to make a great effort. At that time, if it still looks like adoption will be the end result they will move her to our home.
The nice thing is that this gives us a little more time to prepare. And it also gets us through a scheduled work trip for my wife in early August.
The best thing we heard is that the little girl is doing well. She is eating with no problems (no reflux) and is sleeping well. One of the typical side effects of babies born with drug addiction is that they are often anxious, restless, and easily disturbed or upset. The foster mom reports that she doesn't seem to have an of these issues.
Looking forward to the opportunity to add this little girl to our family.
The little girl's dad is 57 and has been in and out of prison his whole life. He just got released last Friday. He has had multiple children taken away from him over the years and also has multiple adult children who have also been in and out of jail. He is already giving them excuses as to why he can't make it to visits and complete services.
The mom is 34. She was using cocaine and methadone while she was pregnant (baby was born addicted to both), and has failed two drug screens in the past month. She has another scheduled today.
Because they live together, they are required to complete services together. So even if mom decides to make an effort, if dad doesn't they will not get the baby back. Unless mom leaves dad and raises the child on her own. Given her drug usage during the pregnancy and since, that doesn't seem likely.
The county is going to leave the little girl with her current foster mom (not interested in adoption) for a few weeks and see how things go. They don't expect the parents to make a great effort. At that time, if it still looks like adoption will be the end result they will move her to our home.
The nice thing is that this gives us a little more time to prepare. And it also gets us through a scheduled work trip for my wife in early August.
The best thing we heard is that the little girl is doing well. She is eating with no problems (no reflux) and is sleeping well. One of the typical side effects of babies born with drug addiction is that they are often anxious, restless, and easily disturbed or upset. The foster mom reports that she doesn't seem to have an of these issues.
Looking forward to the opportunity to add this little girl to our family.
kbreaker
Footballguy
Congrats!Got the official word today. Baby girl will be placed with us on August 12. Better stock up on sleep.
Worm
slimy ninja
Congrats CE! I know you guys are excited. She is a lucky little girl.Got the official word today. Baby girl will be placed with us on August 12. Better stock up on sleep.
mr. furley
Footballguy
my parents did some foster care while i was growing up. we had both babies on an emergency basis and anywhere from toddlers to tweens in the house.far and away the most difficult kids were those who were born to addict parents. far and away.
hard to turn your back on the baby as she probably needs loving parents and a strong home more than most but.... whew.. brace yourself.
eta: good luck
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CrossEyed
Footballguy
Thanks guys.
And we certainly understand that we are opening ourselves up to a difficult situation. But the good thing is that the baby has never lived with the parents, and hopefully never will. She spent her first month in NICU and appears to be completely detoxed. And they are aware of no other health issues.
Like our son (he was also a premie), I think it's probably likely that we'll have to deal with developmental delays with this little girl, but he's coming along nicely and I wouldn't trade our experiences with him for anything. It's been hard at times, but absolutely worth it.
And we certainly understand that we are opening ourselves up to a difficult situation. But the good thing is that the baby has never lived with the parents, and hopefully never will. She spent her first month in NICU and appears to be completely detoxed. And they are aware of no other health issues.
Like our son (he was also a premie), I think it's probably likely that we'll have to deal with developmental delays with this little girl, but he's coming along nicely and I wouldn't trade our experiences with him for anything. It's been hard at times, but absolutely worth it.
phatdawg
Footballguy
Congrats. That is great news ... for the baby and your family.Got the official word today. Baby girl will be placed with us on August 12. Better stock up on sleep.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Man, why does life always have to be so complicated?
We just got a call back from Catholic Charities. Things didn't go through with the family that the little boy's mom chose. So now they are asking us if we might still be interested. We haven't had the little girl placed with us, but it is scheduled to take place on 8/12. I don't feel like it would be right for us to back out on that situation now, but I know how much of a struggle the foster-to-adopt process is for Mrs. CE.
I know this isn't a decision that anyone else can help us make, but I just thought I'd throw it out there for those of you who pray. I really need some wisdom and discernment on this one.
We just got a call back from Catholic Charities. Things didn't go through with the family that the little boy's mom chose. So now they are asking us if we might still be interested. We haven't had the little girl placed with us, but it is scheduled to take place on 8/12. I don't feel like it would be right for us to back out on that situation now, but I know how much of a struggle the foster-to-adopt process is for Mrs. CE.
I know this isn't a decision that anyone else can help us make, but I just thought I'd throw it out there for those of you who pray. I really need some wisdom and discernment on this one.
phatdawg
Footballguy
Cross, I will be praying for your family.
I wanted to pass along some great news. We brought our healthy baby boy home from the hospital Monday. He is doing very well and we couldn't be happier. Thanks Cross and anyone else who prayed for us. This is our first baby and I am amazed by how much I love him already.
I wanted to pass along some great news. We brought our healthy baby boy home from the hospital Monday. He is doing very well and we couldn't be happier. Thanks Cross and anyone else who prayed for us. This is our first baby and I am amazed by how much I love him already.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Big congratulations to you and your wife. And I know what you mean. Initially I wasn't sure if I could love an adopted child like he was my own. But that changed in about 10 minutes.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Thanks moops.First, congrats on becoming a dad.As for advice on adopting, I'm not really sure what to say. Everyone's reason for considering adoption is a little different. For me and Mrs. CE, we were unable to have our own biological children due to some health issues with Mrs. CE. So we prayed about it and tried to figure out if that meant that we weren't supposed to have children for some reason, or if God just had other options for us. We explored the various adoption routes and decided that we would go through the foster system. The funny thing is that we figured that made more sense for us since we are a bit older (46 & 45) and the chances of getting really young children is not as good. Our thinking is that most people in their mid 40's don't have babies, so adopting older children made more sense. So what has happened? We got a 4 month-old in 2009, we're getting a 2 month-old next week, and are possibly in line to get a 5 or 6 month old over the next month or so. Go figure.The only thing I can say is that for me the biggest adjustment is that almost nothing about my life is going to be about me for quite a while. Even if you aren't completely selfish, that's still a big adjustment. From the standpoint of time, finances, energy, etc., it's almost all going to be dedicated to these kids for the next few years at least. In our case, we have no biological children, so I have no struggles with having different feelings toward the adopted children. But I would think that's something about which someone would have to honest with themselves. Can you love an adopted child the same as you love your biological child?Then there's the decision of what route. Domestic infant? International? Foster to adopt? There are different issues and financial considerations for each. Domestic infant and international are far more expensive, but they are also pretty much a sure thing. When it's over, it's over. Foster to adopt is much more uncertain. There are parental visits, and court hearings, and CYS home visits... But there is also basically no cost. Pretty much all foster children fall into the special needs category and, at least in PA, that means there are no adoption fees. It also means that they receive a medical card and a monthly stipend until they are 18. So if finances are an issue, this can be a better option for some folks. Assuming you and your wife can handle the emotional roller coaster of the process. Because believe me, it can be pretty draining. Mrs CE is not looking forward to going through that process again. But starting next week it starts back up for us.If you have any other specific questions, feel free to ask. I'm sure that one of us here will be able to give you an answer.'the moops said:Awesome stuff crosseyed. Happy for you guys and your adoption/fostering. Seriously, good stuff. I have no advice on minivans, just wanted to give you a
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phatdawg
Footballguy
Yes. But who isn't? Sounds like God has a plan.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Yeah, that's what scares me. God's plans usually push me way beyond my comfort zone.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Well, after struggling all week and finally deciding to take both children, we found out today that we can't. Beaver County CYS does not place children in homes that are concurrently working on another adoption process. Would have been nice to know this on Monday.
So we spent all day to day thinking/praying through the either/or after spending all week considering the both/and. We finally decided to stay on the path with the little girl. So she arrives next Friday. I want to be excited, but I can't help but just be emotionally drained. I'm sure that will change once she arrives.
So we spent all day to day thinking/praying through the either/or after spending all week considering the both/and. We finally decided to stay on the path with the little girl. So she arrives next Friday. I want to be excited, but I can't help but just be emotionally drained. I'm sure that will change once she arrives.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Found out this week that our little girl had even more in her system than we were originally told. In addition to the cocaine and methadone, mom was also apparently using amphetamines. Only found that out after taking her to our pediatrician and having him get access to her medical records. He told us after he read her chart he thought, "I wonder if they know what they're getting themselves into?"
Dealing with CYS has been frustrating. We felt like they withheld information on our son the first time through, and we feel the same way again. I don't think it would have changed our decision, but it would be nice to have all of the information presented to you as you are trying to make the decision.
So she's twitchy, fussy, has reflux, and a weakened immune system. And she appears to have quite a feisty little personality. We're probably in for another long winter, like we had when we first got our son. But as I look over and see her sleeping on the couch across from me, somehow it all seems worth it.
Dealing with CYS has been frustrating. We felt like they withheld information on our son the first time through, and we feel the same way again. I don't think it would have changed our decision, but it would be nice to have all of the information presented to you as you are trying to make the decision.
So she's twitchy, fussy, has reflux, and a weakened immune system. And she appears to have quite a feisty little personality. We're probably in for another long winter, like we had when we first got our son. But as I look over and see her sleeping on the couch across from me, somehow it all seems worth it.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Not sure if I mentioned this along the way, but our son (adopted last spring) has always been behind in his physical development. He was a "floppy baby" and pretty much did everything very late (picking head up, crawling, walking, etc.).
Well today was evaluation day for Alliance for Infants and Toddlers and they determined that our little guy no longer needs PT. When we first started working with them they warned us that it was possible, based on their evaluations, that he would always have some physical delays/limitations. But here he is at 27 months, all caught up. I knew he was making good progress, but hadn't realized that it was going that well.
Pretty proud day for this papa. I love this little guy.
Well today was evaluation day for Alliance for Infants and Toddlers and they determined that our little guy no longer needs PT. When we first started working with them they warned us that it was possible, based on their evaluations, that he would always have some physical delays/limitations. But here he is at 27 months, all caught up. I knew he was making good progress, but hadn't realized that it was going that well.
Pretty proud day for this papa. I love this little guy.
phatdawg
Footballguy
Congrats. That is awesome!Not sure if I mentioned this along the way, but our son (adopted last spring) has always been behind in his physical development. He was a "floppy baby" and pretty much did everything very late (picking head up, crawling, walking, etc.).Well today was evaluation day for Alliance for Infants and Toddlers and they determined that our little guy no longer needs PT. When we first started working with them they warned us that it was possible, based on their evaluations, that he would always have some physical delays/limitations. But here he is at 27 months, all caught up. I knew he was making good progress, but hadn't realized that it was going that well.Pretty proud day for this papa. I love this little guy.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
We had our final court date and our adoption has been finalized. It was a great day.
That's great!Looking forward to that day with our daughter.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Awesome stuff in here. I avoided this thread for quite some time because it's a constant reminder that we STILL need to go through the steps to finalize or adoption.
Finally went to a lawyer last night and the ball is rolling. The process is unbelievably frustrating and expensive though. We have to get ANOTHER (this will be the 4th) homestudy done. And we have to use a different agency this time because they have to have offices in the county where the the court is that the adoption is going to go through. In NJ, you technically have to actually give over guardianship to the agency in the process as well which is ridiculous IMO. We really want to get it done by the end of the year so that we can claim the tax credit finally, but that looks unlikely. The paperwork would have to be submitted to the court by next Friday to get a late November court date and the agency isn't even sending us the application until Monday. And that will be another $1100 for the homestudy plus $1000 to the lawyer, plus a couple hundred in court costs. Sigh.
The whole thing just frustrates me to no end. We did ourselves no favors by dragging our feet, but money has been tight after the huge expense of international adoption and it's been difficult to be motivated when we already have her with us! I mean, it will be nice that she'll officially be a US citizen, get a new birth certificate with us as her parents, and have the government officially recognize us as her parents (and officially change her name too), but the tax credit is really the only tangible benefit right now, but it's a pretty large one.
Finally went to a lawyer last night and the ball is rolling. The process is unbelievably frustrating and expensive though. We have to get ANOTHER (this will be the 4th) homestudy done. And we have to use a different agency this time because they have to have offices in the county where the the court is that the adoption is going to go through. In NJ, you technically have to actually give over guardianship to the agency in the process as well which is ridiculous IMO. We really want to get it done by the end of the year so that we can claim the tax credit finally, but that looks unlikely. The paperwork would have to be submitted to the court by next Friday to get a late November court date and the agency isn't even sending us the application until Monday. And that will be another $1100 for the homestudy plus $1000 to the lawyer, plus a couple hundred in court costs. Sigh.
The whole thing just frustrates me to no end. We did ourselves no favors by dragging our feet, but money has been tight after the huge expense of international adoption and it's been difficult to be motivated when we already have her with us! I mean, it will be nice that she'll officially be a US citizen, get a new birth certificate with us as her parents, and have the government officially recognize us as her parents (and officially change her name too), but the tax credit is really the only tangible benefit right now, but it's a pretty large one.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Congrats on the baby girl! Hope it all works out for you! After seeing what my friends went through in NJ doing the foster to adopt thing, it's not even a little surprising that they lied to you about the extent of the girl's medical issues. They just want to place the kids and hope you fall in love before you find out the whole truth. They do important work and they really do help kids, but I happen to think that a lot of the social workers are actually kind of scummy in that way.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Thanks!The good news is that she seems to be doing great. She's growing and has been healthy. And she's strong as a bull. At 4 months she's already rolling over onto her side and supporting all of her weight with her legs when we stand her up on our laps. Totally opposite of our little boy.The parents have only made it to 1 visit in the last 6 weeks (they get two per week). Didn't even come to the hospital when she had hernia surgery even though a car was sent to their home to take them. Next hearing is in November and we're hoping that maybe the goal will get changed from reunification to adoption. That's probably unlikely, but we're hoping. Dad has been kicked out of his drug/alcohol rehab and mom probably isn't far behind.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Tomorrow, my daughter's adoption FINALLY will be finalized here in the US and her legal name will be changed! (assuming no last second surprise of some sort). What a long long road, but the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. Our favorite Christmas gift this year will be knowing that she is totally ours and we don't have to deal with anymore adoption stuff ever again!
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Great to hear, congrats!
CrossEyed
Footballguy
I just have to say that the foster system is an unmitigated disaster. Nobody actually makes decisions that are in the best interest of the children. It's really a shame. But since it's a government system it shouldn't surprise me.
Our little girl was in the hospital for two days with bronhiolitis last week and less than a week later they made the decision to put her right back into a known smoky environment for parental visits despite the doctor's recommendations and our pleas. And, of course, now she's wheezing again. I just hope she doesn't end up back in the hospital.
Our little girl was in the hospital for two days with bronhiolitis last week and less than a week later they made the decision to put her right back into a known smoky environment for parental visits despite the doctor's recommendations and our pleas. And, of course, now she's wheezing again. I just hope she doesn't end up back in the hospital.
Autumn Wind
Footballguy
Can't believe it's been almost two years since our son was born and we adopted him. A great two years for sure!
