people who grew up with a purpose/goal - how's that going? (1 Viewer)

[Glass Joe]

I had no ambitions in life but my parents pushed engineering hard growing up so that is what I became.  I did not have an aptitude for it and I hated it for the most part.  But through some hard work and luck, I made enough to retire early and get out.

My daughter is in college now.  While she is doing extraordinary well grade wise, she has had some serious mental issues that does not allow us to have any long term plans as we just work day to day with her.   It is hard seeing all her cousins have specific goals that they are achieving when she is every bit as smart or smarter than they are but lacks so many other life skills.

What kind of problems is your daughter dealing with? My oldest is heading off this year and I’ve got some real concerns about her mental health.

 

[NewlyRetired]

What kind of problems is your daughter dealing with? My oldest is heading off this year and I’ve got some real concerns about her mental health.

It is hard to pin point exactly as she has so many problems.

Overall my daughter does not really want to live life as most of us think about it.    She has never left her dorm room outside of going to class in 2 years (she eats in her room).   She does not talk to any one all day unless directly spoken to (which means we have to facetime a couple of times every day with her to make sure she stays connected to reality).

She does not really want to be away from home which leads to general depression when she is at school (she comes home every weekend).

We sent her to counseling in her freshman year but that proved meaningless since she would not talk to the counselor.

We knew this was coming as she was like this in high school but we always held out some hope that maybe living away from home would flip some long shut off switch for her.

Now we are just planning that she will be with us for life, I don't see her ever wanting to live on her own.

What are some things you are worried about for your daughter?

 

[El Floppo]

It is hard to pin point exactly as she has so many problems.

Overall my daughter does not really want to live life as most of us think about it.    She has never left her dorm room outside of going to class in 2 years (she eats in her room).   She does not talk to any one all day unless directly spoken to (which means we have to facetime a couple of times every day with her to make sure she stays connected to reality).

She does not really want to be away from home which leads to general depression when she is at school (she comes home every weekend).

We sent her to counseling in her freshman year but that proved meaningless since she would not talk to the counselor.

We knew this was coming as she was like this in high school but we always held out some hope that maybe living away from home would flip some long shut off switch for her.

Now we are just planning that she will be with us for life, I don't see her ever wanting to live on her own.

What are some things you are worried about for your daughter?

Andy... I hope you have her going back to meaningful therapy: psycho-emotional-behavioral...whatever takes and helps. She really shouldn't be doing this on her own (nor should you).

 

[NewlyRetired]

Andy... I hope you have her going back to meaningful therapy: psycho-emotional-behavioral...whatever takes and helps. She really shouldn't be doing this on her own (nor should you).

We do not, at this point.  She won't talk to anyone.  We obviously will continue to try but I have no real hopes left for any sort of "normal" life for her.  I think this is simply who she is.

Brilliant student*, sweet girl, missing pretty much everything else to be a functioning adult.  

*This compounds my frustration.  I think I could have ruled the world with her brain.  We thought maybe she was only smart in a small town way, but she is one of the top students at a good college like Trinity.  If I had to guess, she might be in the top 10 , and her grades get better every semester even though she hates being there.   The things her teachers write about her and tell her directly are astounding.

 

[pecorino]

Always knew I’d study math, probably by 9th grade it was a given. Discovered teaching immediately after grad school. Finishing my 26th year as an educator of mathematics. It’s been fun. Definitely something to be said for studying what you like and working at a job that you enjoy.

 

[El Floppo]

We do not, at this point.  She won't talk to anyone.  We obviously will continue to try but I have no real hopes left for any sort of "normal" life for her.  I think this is simply who she is.

Brilliant student*, sweet girl, missing pretty much everything else to be a functioning adult.  

*This compounds my frustration.  I think I could have ruled the world with her brain.  We thought maybe she was only smart in a small town way, but she is one of the top students at a good college like Trinity.  If I had to guess, she might be in the top 10 , and her grades get better every semester even though she hates being there.   The things her teachers write about her and tell her directly are astounding.

Fwiw...to me "normal" is a subjective thing, not objective. What works for her life.. and how can you and her help her get working and living in the way that works best for her and allows her optimize who she is while working with and around some of the things that might normally get in the way. But also with the understanding that she lives in society and will need to engage it in some way...again, in a way that works best for her- because her best way is the only one that matters here, not what works for "normal" Jane Q Public. And again, I genuinely believe meaningful therapy of some kind will help help her (and even you guys as parents) get there.

 

[Glass Joe]

It is hard to pin point exactly as she has so many problems.

Overall my daughter does not really want to live life as most of us think about it.    She has never left her dorm room outside of going to class in 2 years (she eats in her room).   She does not talk to any one all day unless directly spoken to (which means we have to facetime a couple of times every day with her to make sure she stays connected to reality).

She does not really want to be away from home which leads to general depression when she is at school (she comes home every weekend).

We sent her to counseling in her freshman year but that proved meaningless since she would not talk to the counselor.

We knew this was coming as she was like this in high school but we always held out some hope that maybe living away from home would flip some long shut off switch for her.

Now we are just planning that she will be with us for life, I don't see her ever wanting to live on her own.

What are some things you are worried about for your daughter?

My daughter has always been socially awkward. Unable to make friends. When she is able to make a friend, she inevitably drives them away with a mix of immature, childlike behavior, and a lot of selfishness. She basically has no friends at this point. And had to quit the soccer team because the team disliked her so much and ostracized her.

And your point about clamming up at the counselor - that was my daughter too. She refused to talk, and the counselor told us it was doing more harm than good. She doesn’t talk to us either...until she can’t hold it in and ends up a crying mess.

So - the idea of putting her in another city on her own is a bit scary. Sure maybe she will grow up, maybe she will get some emotional maturity, but we’ve spent a lot of time working with her and nothing has worked so far.

 

[NewlyRetired]

My daughter has always been socially awkward. Unable to make friends. When she is able to make a friend, she inevitably drives them away with a mix of immature, childlike behavior, and a lot of selfishness. She basically has no friends at this point. And had to quit the soccer team because the team disliked her so much and ostracized her.

And your point about clamming up at the counselor - that was my daughter too. She refused to talk, and the counselor told us it was doing more harm than good. She doesn’t talk to us either...until she can’t hold it in and ends up a crying mess.

So - the idea of putting her in another city on her own is a bit scary. Sure maybe she will grow up, maybe she will get some emotional maturity, but we’ve spent a lot of time working with her and nothing has worked so far.

I sent you a PM so we don't derail the thread.

 

[El Floppo]

Good luck, you two. 

I appreciate your honesty in here- and wish you and your daughters nothing but the best.

 

[PIK95]

When I was a poor child in Cranston one thing kept me going every day.  That was my dream of someday being a man of leisure.  I wanted have a hot wife, nice family, cool house, and not have to work.  I retired at thirty to check the last of those boxes.  I went back to work again at forty, but Im self employed and it's on my terms. Gonna not work the next few days and hit the beach.  Mission accomplished.

 

[bucksoh]

Imagine the worst parents ever and mine were just as bad.  Grew up with no ambition except drinking myself to death.   I always excelled at everything I did though even without help or push from my parents except for writing for which I suck at.   I've never read a book after 6th grade.  Even in college never had too, basically gave me headaches to read. 

So basically I could take apart a car replace an engine and have it running.  I was never in shop or taught by anyone how to do things.   Expand this to everything.  This was before the internet so it is alot easier to do things now.  I knew if I ever became a parent I would excell at it, and encourage my kids to become whatever they wanted to become.  So have 5 kids and a wife who had a troubled childhood who wants to help as many children as she can through fostering so we have 10 kids.  And now I basically work fulltime(health field) and rehabbing a house all the while helping my wife expierence her passion of fostering and taking care of my kids.