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So hungover this morning I accidently wore two different shoes (3 Viewers)

RokNRole said:
Chapter 1: My mother

Im going to display as much brevity as possible.

My mother wasn't a prostitute in the traditional sense, as far as I knew. She never had a job until I was 15 and supported us by being the mistress of several married men. The first was a guy named Howard. I don't know how old he was but he must have been close to or at least 60 when I was young, so he was twice my mothers age. He was pretty well off. He did something with real estate and lived in upstate NY or Connecticut. I don't remember which.

Every few months he would come down to NYC, probably under the guise of a business trip and see my mother. Sometimes they would stay at a hotel for a few days, sometimes he would stay with us. I was young and only knew him at the time as a friend of my mother. After these rendezvous she always had a bundle of cash. When she got back we would go food, clothes and toy shopping and things went well for a few weeks. Those were the few times she didn't drink. I don't think she ever let him know how much she drank. As I got a little older I would go in to her purse after she saw him and she would have a stack of $100 dollar bills. I would take $100 or $200 and usually buy video games. She never noticed any money was missing but I was always very paranoid she would find out I was stealing from her. I would unscrew a VHS tape in my room and hide the money in there and take it out as I needed it.

She would often be pretty messed up and say things like "Howard is your real father". Even young I knew that wasn't literal since i look exactly like my father but he was never around when I was a child so I guess that was her way of getting me to accept him even though I didn't know the true nature of the relationship until I was older.

In between the time she saw him she would drink heavily and go to local bars in the area and bring home very sleazy men. Usually bikers or weirdos. The kind of man no woman should expose her children too. Sometimes 3-4 different guys a week. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. My sister and I shared the bedroom and my mothers bedroom was the living room. 

More than a few few times I came out of my room to use the bathroom or get a glass of water and walk in on my mother with these men. Sometimes just kissing, sometimes more. I would usually just get scared and run back in to my room and lock the door. If I had to pee I would pee in a plastic container. Sometimes on the floor and the next day I blamed it on the dog but she knew it was me that peed on the floor. 

Sometimes i I would be out late at the park and if I came home and heard from the hallway she was with someone I would leave and walk to my grandmothers house a few blocks away and sleep there.

This was the routine from the ages of 8-12. By the age of 12 I never heard about Howard or saw him until she told me he died when I was 15. She went off the rails for a few days just drinking and crying. At around 12-13 with Howard gone she started dating another married man for about a year. I don't remember his name but he was an old neighbor of ours and my sister and I used to play with his children outside our building at the time.

Eventually his wife found out and came by our house and argued with my mother. I was old enough to eavesdrop and figure out what was going on. When he stopped seeing her her drinking was the worst it ever was. Day after day she was wasted and would play Janes Addictions " Jane says " over and over loudly. 20-30 times in a row, for weeks,  until I eventually broke her stereo. I just smashed it on the ground and told her I never want to hear that song again. I can't even listen to it this day .

At that point I was bigger than her and guarded her like a hawk. If she brought beer in the house I would dump it down the drain while she screamed and hit me. I would lock her in her room until she sobered up. I stopped going to school because I would stay up til 2 or 3am until I was sure she was asleep. At this time we had a 3 bedroom apartment so I would just hook up my Xbox on the living room TV and sit outside her door. If she came out I would only let her go to the bathroom or kitchen but not out the front door. This went on for about a month until family members intervened and she started going to AA.

to be continued
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I'm hooked. It's sad and it makes me a little angry, but I'm riveted.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
I'm hooked. It's sad and it makes me a little angry, but I'm riveted.
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It made me smile to read that. I almost cried while writing about it. I have not thought about this stuff for many years but it felt good the other night to tell my lady about it and to now tell you guys about it.

 
RokNRole said:
It made me smile to read that. I almost cried while writing about it. I have not thought about this stuff for many years but it felt good the other night to tell my lady about it and to now tell you guys about it.
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I don't even know what to say. I feel awful that you had to go through this. It pisses me off that this (or a story like this) is probably far more common than I know about.

I hesitated to say I am fascinated because that comes off kind of morbid, but I am truly interested. I hope like hell that you do gain something from telling your tale. It's not easy to be so open and vulnerable and I salute your ability to do so.

 
RokNRole said:
It made me smile to read that. I almost cried while writing about it. I have not thought about this stuff for many years but it felt good the other night to tell my lady about it and to now tell you guys about it.
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I'm new to the thread so forgive me if you've been told this fifty times over, but you need help.  Help in the form of therapy, AA, self-help books, whatever.  And, as an atheist I don't say this lightly, I think getting involved in some sort of religion would be good for you.  

 
My Mother- continued

She went to AA and made fast friends with the guy who ran the meetings and had been in recovery for a while at that point. From what I heard from my mother he was the kind of guy that drank a fifth of whiskey a day but when they met he was at least a decade in to AA.

His name is Larry and naturally he was married at the time they met, to a woman named Nancy that was also in recovery.They would come over to our home for coffee pretty regularly. My mother found a job as a secretary at this point but money was still tight because 3 bedroom apartments in NYC are expensive. Since I stopped going to school I started working at my uncles gas station full time. Off the books for $5 an hour pumping gas and generally helping out. Between that and my SSI I was laying about half the bills in the house. Every Friday I would give my mother half the money I made under the condition it was used for rent and neccessities. My sister was enrolled in parochial school at the time and I paid her tuition one year.

Eventually Larry and Nancys marriage dissolved, I was told because Nancy was cheating. Days after Nancy left Larry my mother was spending many overnights at his house. I would assume they were having an affair and things really broke up because Larry was cheating with my mother.

This went on for a few years. My mother was home 1 or 2 days a week. I was working and everything seemed great. It was just me and my younger sister. 2 teenagers taking care of themselves. This was when I started drawing seriously again and I started to make friends and developed a social life. My sister did the same. Made a group of friends and met her HS sweetheart who is now her current husband and they have a daughter.

This went on for a while until I was almost 19 and my mother came home one day. She told me " I haven't paid the rent in 6 months and the landlord is evicting us. I'm moving in with Larry. You have to find somewhere to go"

My response was " I'm 18. Where do you want me to go. My sister is 15. Where is she going to go"?

" I told her she can come live with me and Larry but she doesn't want to. She's going to live with her boyfriends parents. I have my own life now and you have to find somewhere to go at the end of the month"

Obviously the conversation got heated at this point. Eventually her and Larry let me sleep in his basement for several months. I slept in a sleeping bag on a concrete floor in a room full of junk for a few months until she convinced my aunt to get me a basement apartment from her friend which I couldn't afford and I was evicted about 6 months later, but that's another story for another day.

i didn't speak to my mother for 10 years after that. She would call me occasionally but I always tell her I hope her and Larry die. Once she called me crying and drunk from a motel room. She relapsed briefly because her and Larry broke up. This was about 5 years since the day she abandoned me. She was hysterical and telling me what a jerk Larry was, she didn't really love him and even told me he had a very small penis and she didn't want him. She pulled on my heartstrings and I told her she could come stay with me (I had an apartment at the time).

She never called the next day. I heard from family that they got back together and she didn't call me for at least 3 years after that. I didn't see her again until the day I got married. I called some family to ask them to come to the courthouse because we needed witnesses. They in turn informed her and she called me because she wanted to be there. I told her I didn't want her there but her and Larry showed up anyway and I just went on with the wedding.

Her and Larry got married a few years ago and are still together but I don't speak to them.

 
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OrtonToOlsen said:
And Navarro was a terrible fit for RHCP.  What were they all thinking?
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Totally agree again. I have NO idea what the thought process was there. I hated One Hot Minute too. Although I love the chord progression in the verse to My Friends (but the chorus sucks.) No shock that as soon as Frusciante rejoined, they bounced back with Californication.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
I don't even know what to say. I feel awful that you had to go through this. It pisses me off that this (or a story like this) is probably far more common than I know about.

I hesitated to say I am fascinated because that comes off kind of morbid, but I am truly interested. I hope like hell that you do gain something from telling your tale. It's not easy to be so open and vulnerable and I salute your ability to do so.
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It's not morbid at all. It's completely natural to be interested in suffering. It doesn't mean you are taking pleasure in it, often quite the opposite. It means you have a heart and it resonates in you. 

its no different than being fascinated while watching a NatGeo documentary. It's life in its rawest form.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
Totally agree again. I have NO idea what the thought process was there. I hated One Hot Minute too. Although I love the chord progression in the verse to My Friends (but the chorus sucks.) No shock that as soon as Frusciante rejoined, they bounced back with Californication.
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I'll have to tell you the story of my coworker's junkie boyfriend's "audition" for the RHCP circa 1992 later on.

 
Captain Cranks said:
I'm new to the thread so forgive me if you've been told this fifty times over, but you need help.  Help in the form of therapy, AA, self-help books, whatever.  And, as an atheist I don't say this lightly, I think getting involved in some sort of religion would be good for you.  
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I'm an atheist too. I can't get in to religion because I know it's made up. Just as you do.

 
RokNRole said:
It's not morbid at all. It's completely natural to be interested in suffering. It doesn't mean you are taking pleasure in it, often quite the opposite. It means you have a heart and it resonates in you. 

its no different than being fascinated while watching a NatGeo documentary. It's life in its rawest form.
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It really does resonate. I feel like I wish I could go into your past and smack some people around.

You answered a couple of my questions with this second post. What is your relationship with your sister these days and does she still live in NY? Is your mother still there too? How did you end up in TX? Do you know your biological father at all?

Lots of questions- don't feel any pressure to answer quickly or even at all if you don't want to.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
It really does resonate. I feel like I wish I could go into your past and smack some people around.

You answered a couple of my questions with this second post. What is your relationship with your sister these days and does she still live in NY? Is your mother still there too? How did you end up in TX? Do you know your biological father at all?

Lots of questions- don't feel any pressure to answer quickly or even at all if you don't want to.
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The relationship with my sister is fine. I love her. Always have. Since she had a baby I've distanced myself because I love my niece and she doesn't need a screwed up uncle in her life. I love my niece so much I can't even face it and it hurts me knowing she sees her grandparents ( my mother and father) and the rest of our family which are mostly crappy people. I would never let my child near any of them.

Im just not ready to be in my sister and nieces life as I am. I would do more harm than good. 

I'm in Texas because my previous employer promoted me and offered me the job managing the office here and I jumped at it.

Unfortunately I do know my biological father. That's part 2

 
This is my niece shortly after she was born

http://imgur.com/a/uafCe

Shes almost a year now. The most bueatiful thing I've seen in my life. It scares me knowing the same family from my life is in her life, although I know they would never hurt her like they hurt me. I got the worst of it being the older male child and my sister was the one everyone spoiled. Still it hurts me to know those same people are around her but it's not my child and not my decision. I stay away because I'm afraid knowing she sees those people and because I regret I'm not rich enough to spoil my niece like she should be spoiled.

More than once I called my sister in the past to express my reservations about letting our parents see her and that one day if I get rich I want it all to go to my niece because I probably won't have children. My sister cried once during these conversations and assured me she appreciates that and assured me she won't let our parents ever hurt her.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
I'm the same way. I've seen religion help a lot of people but it would never help me because I simply would never be able to buy in.
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Same here. It's just not for me. I could never be that deluded unless I was highly intoxicated every day. Pretty sure I talked about Jesus on here one night while 5 sheets to the wind.

 
RokNRole said:
This is my niece shortly after she was born

http://imgur.com/a/uafCe

Shes almost a year now. The most bueatiful thing I've seen in my life. It scares me knowing the same family from my life is in her life, although I know they would never hurt her like they hurt me. I got the worst of it being the older male child and my sister was the one everyone spoiled. Still it hurts me to know those same people are around her but it's not my child and not my decision. I stay away because I'm afraid knowing she sees those people and because I regret I'm not rich enough to spoil my niece like she should be spoiled.

More than once I called my sister in the past to express my reservations about letting our parents see her and that one day if I get rich I want it all to go to my niece because I probably won't have children. My sister cried once during these conversations and assured me she appreciates that and assured me she won't let our parents ever hurt her.
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She's beautiful. Does your sister still live in NY? I think it would do you a lot of good to have your sister and niece as a bigger part of your life. I'm not going to sit here and give you a bunch of advice on how to make that happen, but is it a desire of yours? 

Probably out for the night, so I'll hang up and listen. Thanks.

 
The only other person in my family besides my sister that I love is my grandmother, my mothers mother. She's an old , loud, blunt Italian woman and I get a lot of my sense of humor from her.

Once during a family dinner when I was 17,  about a dozen of us, my mother mentioned her and my sister were going out several hours one night the next week to an assembly at her school. I had just met my first girlfriend at the time so I discreetly asked my mother if I could have my girlfriend over while they were out.

My mother, always being the mess she is, heavily relied on my grandmother for parenting advice my entire life. She said, very audibly to everyone in the room...

" MA! He wants to have a girl over while we go to her school. What do I do"?

My grandmother responded even louder, in front of everyone...

" He's 17 Michelle. What do you think he going to do? Get used to him bringing girls home and spreading them eagle"!

The whole table burst out laughing and choking. Me included. My mother just smiled and said quietly "ok. Fine".

One of the funniest things I ever heard in my life and I will never forget it.

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
She's beautiful. Does your sister still live in NY? I think it would do you a lot of good to have your sister and niece as a bigger part of your life. I'm not going to sit here and give you a bunch of advice on how to make that happen, but is it a desire of yours? 

Probably out for the night, so I'll hang up and listen. Thanks.
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Yeah she's still in NY. When I was still there I came over to visit a few times. I was planning to fly out for a visit a couple months ago but I got laid off and couldn't spare the money. I will visit as soon as I can.

 
RokNRole said:
Yeah she's still in NY. When I was still there I came over to visit a few times. I was planning to fly out for a visit a couple months ago but I got laid off and couldn't spare the money. I will visit as soon as I can.
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Your niece is beautiful. Wanting to be a good uncle to her sounds like a great place to start..

 
CurlyNight said:
Your niece is beautiful. Wanting to be a good uncle to her sounds like a great place to start..
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I have enough sense not to come back around until I'm better.

I hope one day I make enough money to have a ranch so she can have her own pony. Even if she only comes down once a year. I would be so happy to do that for her but right now I'm just a ####

 
I want to spoil that kid so badly. I feel horrible that I can't. She deserves a pony. Every little girl deserves a pony. I feel such regret over wasting my life because if I applied myself she would have 3 damn ponies.

I can't even look at her or even my sister with this shame. That's why I stay away.

 
Now I'm crying because I looked at her photo. Looks just like my little sister who I failed. That's why I never look at that photo.

 
When she was born I had been working for a while and just starting to save some money. The first time I visited I gave my sister $200 for her. My sister didn't want to take it. I insisted but she still wouldn't take it. She kept handing it back to me saying she didn't need it because they were doing well financially. I kept handing it back , insisting " please take it. I am not leaving with it whether you need it or not. It's not for you it's for her. Put it in the bank for college in the future. Do something with it I just want her to have it"

i caught her trying to sneak it in my backpack later that night. I was so hurt by that I crumpled it and threw it on the floor and left.

 
Way to focused on money with your sister and niece. They need their brother and uncle not money. I don't care if you give them 3 ponies if your not in their lives what does it matter. 

 
ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies..

JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

MANYA: ..I had a pony.

JERRY: ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se.

MANYA: (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that?

JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressting..

HELEN: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?

MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?

MANYA: You! You said so!

JERRY: No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..

 
Wooderson said:
Way to focused on money with your sister and niece. They need their brother and uncle not money. I don't care if you give them 3 ponies if your not in their lives what does it matter. 
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As screwed up as he is, he is right that he does need to straighten out before he gets into their lives.   Money is unimportant though. 

 
CurlyNight said:
Nothing wrong with wanting to spoil your niece but for now until you get back on your feet, spoil her with love. Things are just that, things.
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It's not just about a pony. She shouldn't want for anything. Neither should my sister. I should be able to buy them a house and give them everything but I can't so I feel like a failure.

 
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DA RAIDERS said:
i went to see them at the troubadour back in the day, with screaming trees as the opening act.  screaming trees blew them away.
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Don't get me wrong.  They were great for their time.  I was a big fan.  They just didn't age well I guess.

I saw them at the Paladium with Pixies and Primus.  Primus was rather boring in a "gotta be stoned jam-band" kinda way.

JA was good but that was the show where Perry got hit with a Birkenstock so they didn't do an encore IIRC.

Pixies were awesome.  Sadly, most of the crowd was there for JA.

 
RokNRole said:
It's not just about a pony. She shouldn't want for anything. Neither should my sister. I should be able to buy them a house and give them everything but I can't so I feel like a failure.
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You really shouldn't feel like a failure for not providing fiscal support for them. That's not your responsibility. Get yourself to a place where you can be an active part of their lives. That would be a huge success. My nieces don't care if I give them money or gifts, they just want to be around me. My 14 year old niece was here all afternoon just because she loves spending time with me. She didn't ask me for a dime.

 
Chapter 2- My father

what can I say about this "man". I literally have nightmares about him. He is my own personal boogeyman.

My earliest memory of him was when I was about 8. He was never around and just showed up one day to take me to the Central Park zoo. Of course I went because I was a child. We were on trains and walking around all day from morning until evening. At the end of the day we got off a long train ride. My feet were hurting and I asked if we could rest on a bench. He said " no. Your mother made dinner and we have to get home". I walked a few more blocks but I was in pain so I sat on a bench in Westchester Square in the Bronx. It's a large shopping area.

I refused to get up so he put me over his knee, in front of dozens of people, and spanked me until I cried. I got up and walked but it wasn't fast enough for him. He smacked me across the face several times while I fell against the brick wall of a business. I don't even remember him so much as I remember the people in the square watching this and feeling embarrassed because I was getting my ### beat in the street.

eventually we got back home and I told my mother what he did and that I wanted to be in my room alone the rest of the night. This enraged him

" YOU DONT WANT TO SIT AT A TABLE WITH ME AND EAT THE FOOD I BOUGHT"?

He pulled me down the hall by my hair, in to my room and hit me with a broomstick on my legs. I was a big comic book fan and I had about 50 comic book posters on my wall. He ripped all of them off the wall and tore them up as I cried. Every single one.

He them forced me to sit at the table with him and eat dinner. I did so in silence for almost an hour and then he left.

this is my first memory of my father.

to be continued

 
They weren't really posters. We couldn't afford posters but I bought one of those special " annual" comics that had dozens of page sized pin ups. I meticulously cut them each out and taped them up around my room. 

He ripped them all down.

 
My father continued

The next time I saw him was 2 years later when I was 10. He took me to the Zoo again and bought me two creative kits from the gift shop. They were made out of balsa wood and you fit them together in to a 3D model. One was a raptor and the other was a gorilla.

This time we went back to his home in queens. The apartment I grew up in that he still lived in. He bought Spanish food from a local place that we apparently used to eat from before I could remember. 

Spanish steak, fried and sweet plantains, rice. All that

when we got to the bread pudding he asked me if I remembered it. I didn't . He got very sad I didn't remember it.

We started working on the balsa wood models. I made the raptor all by myself but the gorilla was more complicated so I asked him for help. We got to the last piece and he said I should put it in.

I tried to put the last piece in for a few minutes but I couldn't get it right. He got annoyed.

" Just put it in. Do it right. Put it in this way" etc

I wasn't able to put it in right so I smashed the whole model on the floor and I started to cry. He looked at me and didn't say anything except " go in my room and play nintendo"

i did. Went in his room and turned on Mario bros 3 but I didn't want to play. I started looking through his drawers and found a BB gun and started holding it.

He walked in while I was looking at it

" it's not a real gun. It's a BB gun. I'll show you"

He fired it several times in to the reclining lounge chair in his room. He raked several shots across it in an arc and the last one hit me in the thigh.

i barely felt it but I knew it went in and I looked down. He panicked and said " just hold still". He came back with tweezers and took it out and told me to never tell my mother about it.

I never did and she still doesn't know about it to this day.

to be continued

 
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