Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Part 2: Fear and Loathing in South Africa
ABC.com suggests: "In this dramatic conclusion, Brad prepares to make a difficult choice." Not only had he already decided by this point, but the choice wasn't the least bit difficult for him. I know this show pretty much runs on auto-pilot these days where names are plugged in Mad Libs style, but can't they underpay an intern to generate some new copy?
Anyway, let's click play.
Well, now that Brad's chucked the anchor overboard, we get a serious dose of Emily. And here she comes now in a belted blue dress and boots that look appropriate for a truck show in Kannapolis. I can't help but think that we've seen this ensemble before. Is she out of options already? Looks like this was a bad choice for a windy day. Emily once again reminds us that she's been "madly in love before" with her best friend in the whole wide world. See? She's super ready for this.
Back into a chopper, which obviously thrills Em to no end. She looked as if they were off to watch a state sanctioned competitive puppy slaughter in Johannesburg.
Interestingly, Brad smooches Emily endlessly and showers her with affection. This seems a little odd since she didn't present him with a map or even discuss the art of cartography in any way. In his commentary, Brad suggests that his family is excited about the prospects of him being a husband, but more importantly, also being a father. It seems to me that this is notable since Brad is out to prove to everyone that he's a changed man and that he's not at all afraid of kids (except when they're sleeping upstairs). Marrying Emily, who brings along a 5 year old in tow, is a great way to silence the haters and gain instant credibility with his mom and brothers. And she's totally hotter and younger than your pathetic wives, guys.
Brad brings Em to the edge of the cliff where they sit to have maybe the most inane conversation ever held by two adults in English. Kids, you'll recognize all of the words since nothing is beyond a 2nd grade level:
"Em, they LOVE you."
"I'm excited to be here with you."
"It's sooo pretty up here."
"Big day!"
"I had so much fun."
"Just a really really good visit, you know?"
It's difficult to say who's to blame here as we know both them really enjoy monosyllabic prose, however things start to get interesting once Emily broaches the tricky subject of parenting: "it's not going to be cool uncle Brad anymore." Yeah, buddy. You ever think beyond kites and muffins? "It's not always perfect, and it's not always fun." Man, she is really sounding like a downer. I'll bet she never gave Ricky Bobby or Dale Jr. this hard of a time. It's apparent that this barrage is clumsily edited together because it's lacking any kind of coherence. We also see Brad going from smugly reassured after her first question to more ponderous toward the end. It would be interesting to know how this conversation actually evolved, but it's mere set up for the big evening where lots of questions apparently need to be answered like "what size ring do you wear?" and "how soon can you sell your 6500 square foot mansion in Charlotte?"
Just as with Chantal, Brad drops by the hotel room in his Sunday best. I really don't get this. He looks even scruffier and unkempt than usual. No one on staff says anything to him? Wear something nice, goober. Emily is, of course, all dolled up in a black cocktail dress, but Brad apparently didn't get the memo that it wasn't dorm casual for beer pong. In the room, we see a continuation of the serious business talk about being a daddy, and Brad can't sit still to save his life. At this point I'm thinking this is getting shticky. No one acts this strange, do they? After readjusting for the fifth time, Brad chuckles knowing it's a little overboard. Here comes the performance of Mr. Womack's career. Watch and learn, fellas. Quiet on the set, please. "I really mean these words, so please listen to them." The house lights dim...
"I guarantee I can love you and your daughter more than you can ever imagine." I dunno, Brad, she can probably imagine a lot. Here's a woman that has no financial concerns in the world and a prominent family at her back. It might take a bit more than you've got in your arsenal. "All I care about is if you'll allow me to be that girl's father. Her real father." Okay, I have to admit that I'm genuinely scared for our boy. "I mean that, and I want you to know that." Well, why didn't you say so?
Emily's immediate reaction to this prepared script is some polite nodding. Uh-oh. She counters: "You know.. what does that mean to you? Like, what do you think that means?" Ah, crap. Emily then reaches for a Hillary Clinton attack ad. "Will you be around when she's sick at three o'clock in the morning?" Wait, we didn't run through this in debate prep. If Brad had a lifeline, he'd have used it here. Emily wants to know what being a father means, to which Brad rattles off some of the things he's heard Wes say over the years. For some odd reason he throws in "being a disciplinarian" which seems a little weird to me. I thought we were supposed to be kissing some fanny here? Now you say you're going to beat her kid at the appointed time? She continues by telling Brad that life with a kid isn't always fun, and he's so flustered at this point he admits that he's actually getting mad. Getting mad? 38 years of life and this is probably the most a woman has pushed back. I guess viewed in that context, "getting mad" makes a lot of sense. We tend to revert to our adolescent instincts when there isn't anything in the database. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the amount of resistance offered by Chantal and 10 is the amount of resistance offered by Gloria Steinem circa 1971, this was probably a solid 3. And remember, this is a conversation that Brad initiated himself. It's not like she was going to call him a liar and pout, she just wanted to say her peace and have him nod. I'm amazed that the dude in this scenario is pulling the drama queen act. "I'm telling you I'm in it, and I feel like I'm being questioned." Yes, you are.. and you should be. She saw Season 11, genius. Apparently the bright lights in the interrogation room cause Brad to break out into a cold sweat. If this were a movie, it would win a Razzie for worst actor, no question. It's actually amazing how much Emily has Brad squarely by the nards here.
As the conversation winds down, Brad has already turned this back on her and made multiple dramatic maneuvers to wipe his face and get some water in the kitchen.
Brad continues that he was "shot out of the water" after making the overture to be a father to little Ricki. Well, that's one way to look at it I guess. All this man wants to do it spew empty platitudes and have you accept that as gospel. Can't you see this, Em? He continues: "Being knocked down makes me profoundly hurt and upset." Forget this show, these are the rants of a sociopath. I'd have that personal psychologist of his order up an MMPI, stat, paying special attention to questions pertaining to code "Pd, Psychopathic Deviate."
Man, all of this and we're less than 13 minutes in.
I need some water, be right back.
[pause]
[play]
Okay, here's Chantal again. I forgot about her. It seems she didn't leave yet. She's going on and on about how perfect Brad is and how much her love and adoration grows by the second. Chantal has traits that you expect to see in a puppy, not a wife. It's really difficult to believe that she's 28 and divorced. Everything I see from her suggests that she has the sense and experience of a girl half her age. This is much more Brad's speed, and given that neither of these relationships has any hope of working, she's the morally correct choice.
Oh good, the ring guy shows up with a metal case full of ridiculous options for our bachelor to choose from. Let's see.. which of these $100k rings shall I pick? Life is full of decisions. I know I sometimes agonize over where to buy gas. Brad mulls his options and goes for this little trinket. Not bad if you're into a lot of dense carbon with high refractive index. I assume that's a platinum band, but who knows... he could be slumming it with palladium. Brad lets Neil Lane (now available at Kay Jewelers, no shtick) in on a little secret: "Last time I was here, I walked away." Why is he trying to impress this guy? Just let him drop it off and get the hell out of there. Seeing the obligatory ring drop makes me think about all of the excess on this show. Sure, this year they had a nice little moment of charity work with a school, but think about how completely over the top a ring like that is. Oh, and I've seen Blood Diamond. I know what the score is.
With the bling in hand, we return to the big decision that Brad has in front of him: whether to choose Emily, or reject Chantal. I think it's about 55-45 at this point with choosing Emily slightly ahead. It looks like the ladies are keeping a journal as we see them furiously writing away in them. I think it would be great to see some of these entries and count the number of times that Chantal spells her name "Chantal Womack" with little hearts and flowers adorning the pages. I could see her totally killing her little brother if he ever got into her room to read her innermost thoughts. During our final visit with the ladies, as we get their thoughts leading into the final rose ceremony, Chantal is already reduced to tears. Even self-delusion has its limits as she's well aware that it's game over soon. Maybe if she had a secret kid things could be different.
We're coming up on the big moment here and Brad goes with a fitted suit which is probably the right call, even though I'm sure he'd have preferred something by Fruit of the Loom. Chantal and Emily opt for black and white, respectively, but maybe "opt" isn't the right word since it's pretty obvious we're reaching for a good vs. evil theme here. Emily is the poised southern belle and Chantal is the chubby cry baby. Okay, check and check. A little over the top, but consistent. Chantal's dress is sporting some kind of feathered shoulder apparatus which I'm not loving. There could be a What Not To Wear: Bachelor Edition and I think this little number would be on it. Emily gets to wear what amounts to a wedding dress. Do you see what they did there?
Brad's limo pulls in and we see that they are in South African wine country. Raise your hand if you knew that Ernie Els had a vineyard. I wonder if winebat.com ever reviewed one of these bottles. Is there a "Big Easy" wine? Why yes there is! It's probably got a smooth follow through.. and a bad left knee.
First out of the limo: Chantal. Oh and look, it's that helpful Chris Harrison chap. Haven't seen him in a while. Now, first out doesn't automatically mean you're toast, but it's much more likely to mean that. We can tell by Chantal's expression, like that of a child presented with a heaping plate of delicious steamed brussel sprouts, that she knows the show's over. She's also dressed for a funeral rather than a proposal. Gee, it's like someone planned this all along. This is getting to be painful to watch. As much as Chantal is kind of a mess, she doesn't deserve what she's about to go through here, and you're just waiting to see how bad the fallout will be.
Brad's parting speech to Chantal actually isn't terrible. You get the sense that this is a guy that's done this a few times before. He really wants, desperately, for the women in his life to like him, even after they get rejected. We saw in the past that he'd continue to be touchy-feely with women he had just dismissed. The most interesting example was Ashley H. who was completely crushed by being let go, and it pained Brad to have her be so cold to him. To some extent that happened with Michelle too, but she was borderline nuts so it wasn't nearly as difficult. The moment he makes it clear that he's choosing Emily, it's insta-sobbing with no hopes of stopping. Nice plumage, though.
The need to be loved gets a little out of hand as Brad starts saying things he ought to avoid: "Every single thing that we have, always will have, is very real." Always will have? Okay, we can clean that up in post production. Have the editor flag that time stamp. "..very, very real." Okay, stop. During the course of these glowing affirmations of how amazing and special Chantal is (one in a million?), he never does say that he's sorry. I think she was looking for that, but there's no way he would even think to say it.
After standing around for about 30 seconds, having exhausted the niceties, Brad asks, "anything you want to say to me?" as if he really needs this. I'm sure she would, Brad, if she wasn't bawling her eyes out and able to put two words together. He's actually a little upset that she doesn't take him up on this. "No??" It really is good to be the bachelor. As they walk back, Chantal's makeup is reduced to runny goo which is a shame because it looks like that took a really long time to apply. For some dumb reason, Brad keeps asking for her to comment on all of this, but she's a complete mess. "Are you okay?" "...no?" Look, man, she's probably still not okay today. Her performance on After the Final Rose supports that. How would you like to be the new "special man" in Chantal's life watching that show? "Uh, baby.. why are you crying about that douchenozzle Brad?" Rebounds are not very special journeys.
Word is that Chantal turned down being the next Bachelorette due to her relationship with this new guy that she effectively made a fool of on national TV. That calculation will look pretty dumb once he's toast and no one remembers who the hell she is.
"I want you to know how much I care about you. Please believe me when I say that." Kind of creepy at this point. Just let it go already. "Bye." The door closes and we voyeuristically watch the mental deconstruction of Channy as she cries all over her feathers and makes a mess of her face. If there were a personality test for this show, Chantal would be the type of person that would immediately fail as being rejected would have an unusual impact in her real life after the show wraps. With Emily, I can't see anywhere near that kind of reaction. Heck, I'm having a difficult time seeing her cry at all if she was in that position. Surely she would, but there's no way her world would collapse like that. This was a pretty big setup, and I really do feel bad for Chantal. She deserved better. She at least deserved the consideration that Ashley H. got. I think it's obvious that Brad didn't care about Chantal all that much. It was Emily or nothing. I'm also starting to rethink that maybe he really had high hopes for Ashley H. Kind of turns my stomach.
We close with Chantal uttering what many a dismissed Bachelor contestant says: "I wonder if I'll ever find love." If there's no hope for attractive women such as yourself, honestly, what hope is there for the ugly people of the world? Thanks a lot, Chantal. Why not express your concerns about money while you're at it?
Emily's here in her own stretch white Mercedes limo, so it's time to shrug off those doldrums and get pumped about America's next great power couple. How totally amped are you for this? Emily's narration gets in one last mention about the role of Ricky in her life and how he showed her what love is. Even if that's true, does it really necessitate a 30th mention (conservative estimate) on this show? This thing really is doomed.
I just now realized that Brad is actually reading his speech to Emily off a card. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't notice before. I think this lends some credibility that he wants to get this right and is experiencing real, non-cyborg emotions for li'l ol' Em. The proposal is actually a pretty tender moment whether you like the guy or not. I think most people are fans of Emily, but the reaction to Brad is probably very mixed. In this moment, I'm buying his emotional response. I know how hard it is to propose to someone you do love and how the weight of the moment comes all at once. She actually has a very spontaneous and caring response to bend down to him and kiss him during this. Dammit, well-played, ABC.. this seemed pretty real, even to a hardened critic like me. That doesn't mean I'm totally on board with your little amusement park ride of a show, but this wasn't bad theater.
Almost forgot to put the ring on.. "Will you put this on your finger, please?" So demanding, but yeah.. it's a pricey little nugget. "I hope you like it." Money can't buy everything, but it can buy a woman's reaction. If you can't get credit for a ring that costs as much as a Ferrari, you're probably out of luck as a human.
As Emily said, somewhat wryly, "you did it!" Yes, our hero is now batting a stout 0.500 in Bachelor finales. I'd take that any day on my fantasy baseball team. Slugging's a little weak, but no one gets as many plate appearances as this guy. Dude's a horse.
One thing I can say about the two finalists is that I found them to be genuine people. From other sources, Emily was painted to be an opportunist and NASCAR groupie, but her actions seem to portray something entirely different on this show. In fact, a good number of these final few were, I felt, decent people. Michelle was certainly a mess, but she played a part and can now log this entry on her rather long IMDb.com page. Even Bachelorette Ashley (auto-cringe) seemed to be a straight shooter. I have no idea how they're going to make her show remotely interesting (disclosure: I've dated a dentist.. they like to inspect your teeth and talk about periodontal habits), but we'll see. Better hope they get creative with casting.
The show wraps with a retrospective of Emily and Brad's tender moments. She really did make quite the impression out of the limo on day one. It seems like she was the front runner probably from the beginning, which I guess we all knew. The only issue was the baggage. That issue is still there, of course. What are their prospects for success? Nil. Oh well, good try, guys. After the Final Rose was one of the more entertaining shows in the series' history. Em and Brad had already broken up, and they were acting very strangely around each other. It was interesting how Brad was acting like an obsequious lap dog. My guess is that someone "poked the bear" and got a little more than they bargained for. Yes, Sir Bradley has a temper problem, which we saw bits and pieces of on the show. These are the kinds of things that won't be fixed overnight, and probably ever in the case of Brad who has had his flaws reinforced over so many years. Emily doesn't have to settle for someone with problems like these, especially with a daughter to raise, so this thing is being held together with chewing gum and yarn at this point. I haven't checked lately, but they're probably already done if not on their way. It was evident from the discussion that Brad sampled Chantal's tasty wares, and that couldn't have helped matters. I always wonder how viewing the show after it's over goes over with the final couple. My guess is: not well... ever.
Chantal checked in with news about her new beau, but not before getting in one last good cry. Brad probably really enjoyed seeing how he makes women want him so. He did quite a number on her, but I think she's the kind of person that will continue to have numbers done on her. After she was done reliving her hurt, she mentioned having met someone really great. Yep, so great that she was obviously still hung up on Brad. That's pretty great.
Ashley H. was there looking like an alien with her faux tan and crazy hair. We didn't get the announcement of her being the new Bachelorette, but it came out shortly thereafter. I guess the makeover was part of the promo. My vote would have been for Madison, but without the stupid vampire shtick. Now there's a woman that would have been fascinating to watch. As someone pointed out earlier, she would chew through guys like a Troy-Bilt. ABC really needs to get her in the queue. Instead we get boring Ashley H., my second favorite Ashley on the show. Boo.
As far as epic journeys go, this was probably a 6 (purely based on entertainment value). I was a fan of Emily throughout, but her having to deal with Brad kind of bothers me. I'm sure that doofus is ruining yet another life. The sooner she gets out, the better.. and she will. There has yet to be a single marriage of the chosen lady with the Bachelor (Jason married the runner up, Molly, after semi-famously ditching the much much MUCH cuter Melissa on national TV), and I think we'll have to wait another year for a potential epic journey to end even more epically than it ever has.
Next up: Bachelor Pad 2 and The Bachelorette. Will I watch? Yes. Yes, I will. I really mean that. Believe me when I say this.
Until next time..
MP
post script:
Video of Emily on Three Wide Life. I still say groupie.
Follow the couple on Twitter @Brad_Womack and @RickisMommy. Once they go silent, you'll know it's over.
ABC.com suggests: "In this dramatic conclusion, Brad prepares to make a difficult choice." Not only had he already decided by this point, but the choice wasn't the least bit difficult for him. I know this show pretty much runs on auto-pilot these days where names are plugged in Mad Libs style, but can't they underpay an intern to generate some new copy?
Anyway, let's click play.
Well, now that Brad's chucked the anchor overboard, we get a serious dose of Emily. And here she comes now in a belted blue dress and boots that look appropriate for a truck show in Kannapolis. I can't help but think that we've seen this ensemble before. Is she out of options already? Looks like this was a bad choice for a windy day. Emily once again reminds us that she's been "madly in love before" with her best friend in the whole wide world. See? She's super ready for this.
Back into a chopper, which obviously thrills Em to no end. She looked as if they were off to watch a state sanctioned competitive puppy slaughter in Johannesburg.
Interestingly, Brad smooches Emily endlessly and showers her with affection. This seems a little odd since she didn't present him with a map or even discuss the art of cartography in any way. In his commentary, Brad suggests that his family is excited about the prospects of him being a husband, but more importantly, also being a father. It seems to me that this is notable since Brad is out to prove to everyone that he's a changed man and that he's not at all afraid of kids (except when they're sleeping upstairs). Marrying Emily, who brings along a 5 year old in tow, is a great way to silence the haters and gain instant credibility with his mom and brothers. And she's totally hotter and younger than your pathetic wives, guys.
Brad brings Em to the edge of the cliff where they sit to have maybe the most inane conversation ever held by two adults in English. Kids, you'll recognize all of the words since nothing is beyond a 2nd grade level:
"Em, they LOVE you."
"I'm excited to be here with you."
"It's sooo pretty up here."
"Big day!"
"I had so much fun."
"Just a really really good visit, you know?"
It's difficult to say who's to blame here as we know both them really enjoy monosyllabic prose, however things start to get interesting once Emily broaches the tricky subject of parenting: "it's not going to be cool uncle Brad anymore." Yeah, buddy. You ever think beyond kites and muffins? "It's not always perfect, and it's not always fun." Man, she is really sounding like a downer. I'll bet she never gave Ricky Bobby or Dale Jr. this hard of a time. It's apparent that this barrage is clumsily edited together because it's lacking any kind of coherence. We also see Brad going from smugly reassured after her first question to more ponderous toward the end. It would be interesting to know how this conversation actually evolved, but it's mere set up for the big evening where lots of questions apparently need to be answered like "what size ring do you wear?" and "how soon can you sell your 6500 square foot mansion in Charlotte?"
Just as with Chantal, Brad drops by the hotel room in his Sunday best. I really don't get this. He looks even scruffier and unkempt than usual. No one on staff says anything to him? Wear something nice, goober. Emily is, of course, all dolled up in a black cocktail dress, but Brad apparently didn't get the memo that it wasn't dorm casual for beer pong. In the room, we see a continuation of the serious business talk about being a daddy, and Brad can't sit still to save his life. At this point I'm thinking this is getting shticky. No one acts this strange, do they? After readjusting for the fifth time, Brad chuckles knowing it's a little overboard. Here comes the performance of Mr. Womack's career. Watch and learn, fellas. Quiet on the set, please. "I really mean these words, so please listen to them." The house lights dim...
"I guarantee I can love you and your daughter more than you can ever imagine." I dunno, Brad, she can probably imagine a lot. Here's a woman that has no financial concerns in the world and a prominent family at her back. It might take a bit more than you've got in your arsenal. "All I care about is if you'll allow me to be that girl's father. Her real father." Okay, I have to admit that I'm genuinely scared for our boy. "I mean that, and I want you to know that." Well, why didn't you say so?
Emily's immediate reaction to this prepared script is some polite nodding. Uh-oh. She counters: "You know.. what does that mean to you? Like, what do you think that means?" Ah, crap. Emily then reaches for a Hillary Clinton attack ad. "Will you be around when she's sick at three o'clock in the morning?" Wait, we didn't run through this in debate prep. If Brad had a lifeline, he'd have used it here. Emily wants to know what being a father means, to which Brad rattles off some of the things he's heard Wes say over the years. For some odd reason he throws in "being a disciplinarian" which seems a little weird to me. I thought we were supposed to be kissing some fanny here? Now you say you're going to beat her kid at the appointed time? She continues by telling Brad that life with a kid isn't always fun, and he's so flustered at this point he admits that he's actually getting mad. Getting mad? 38 years of life and this is probably the most a woman has pushed back. I guess viewed in that context, "getting mad" makes a lot of sense. We tend to revert to our adolescent instincts when there isn't anything in the database. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is the amount of resistance offered by Chantal and 10 is the amount of resistance offered by Gloria Steinem circa 1971, this was probably a solid 3. And remember, this is a conversation that Brad initiated himself. It's not like she was going to call him a liar and pout, she just wanted to say her peace and have him nod. I'm amazed that the dude in this scenario is pulling the drama queen act. "I'm telling you I'm in it, and I feel like I'm being questioned." Yes, you are.. and you should be. She saw Season 11, genius. Apparently the bright lights in the interrogation room cause Brad to break out into a cold sweat. If this were a movie, it would win a Razzie for worst actor, no question. It's actually amazing how much Emily has Brad squarely by the nards here.
As the conversation winds down, Brad has already turned this back on her and made multiple dramatic maneuvers to wipe his face and get some water in the kitchen.
Brad continues that he was "shot out of the water" after making the overture to be a father to little Ricki. Well, that's one way to look at it I guess. All this man wants to do it spew empty platitudes and have you accept that as gospel. Can't you see this, Em? He continues: "Being knocked down makes me profoundly hurt and upset." Forget this show, these are the rants of a sociopath. I'd have that personal psychologist of his order up an MMPI, stat, paying special attention to questions pertaining to code "Pd, Psychopathic Deviate."Man, all of this and we're less than 13 minutes in.
I need some water, be right back.
[pause]
[play]
Okay, here's Chantal again. I forgot about her. It seems she didn't leave yet. She's going on and on about how perfect Brad is and how much her love and adoration grows by the second. Chantal has traits that you expect to see in a puppy, not a wife. It's really difficult to believe that she's 28 and divorced. Everything I see from her suggests that she has the sense and experience of a girl half her age. This is much more Brad's speed, and given that neither of these relationships has any hope of working, she's the morally correct choice.
Oh good, the ring guy shows up with a metal case full of ridiculous options for our bachelor to choose from. Let's see.. which of these $100k rings shall I pick? Life is full of decisions. I know I sometimes agonize over where to buy gas. Brad mulls his options and goes for this little trinket. Not bad if you're into a lot of dense carbon with high refractive index. I assume that's a platinum band, but who knows... he could be slumming it with palladium. Brad lets Neil Lane (now available at Kay Jewelers, no shtick) in on a little secret: "Last time I was here, I walked away." Why is he trying to impress this guy? Just let him drop it off and get the hell out of there. Seeing the obligatory ring drop makes me think about all of the excess on this show. Sure, this year they had a nice little moment of charity work with a school, but think about how completely over the top a ring like that is. Oh, and I've seen Blood Diamond. I know what the score is.
With the bling in hand, we return to the big decision that Brad has in front of him: whether to choose Emily, or reject Chantal. I think it's about 55-45 at this point with choosing Emily slightly ahead. It looks like the ladies are keeping a journal as we see them furiously writing away in them. I think it would be great to see some of these entries and count the number of times that Chantal spells her name "Chantal Womack" with little hearts and flowers adorning the pages. I could see her totally killing her little brother if he ever got into her room to read her innermost thoughts. During our final visit with the ladies, as we get their thoughts leading into the final rose ceremony, Chantal is already reduced to tears. Even self-delusion has its limits as she's well aware that it's game over soon. Maybe if she had a secret kid things could be different.
We're coming up on the big moment here and Brad goes with a fitted suit which is probably the right call, even though I'm sure he'd have preferred something by Fruit of the Loom. Chantal and Emily opt for black and white, respectively, but maybe "opt" isn't the right word since it's pretty obvious we're reaching for a good vs. evil theme here. Emily is the poised southern belle and Chantal is the chubby cry baby. Okay, check and check. A little over the top, but consistent. Chantal's dress is sporting some kind of feathered shoulder apparatus which I'm not loving. There could be a What Not To Wear: Bachelor Edition and I think this little number would be on it. Emily gets to wear what amounts to a wedding dress. Do you see what they did there?
Brad's limo pulls in and we see that they are in South African wine country. Raise your hand if you knew that Ernie Els had a vineyard. I wonder if winebat.com ever reviewed one of these bottles. Is there a "Big Easy" wine? Why yes there is! It's probably got a smooth follow through.. and a bad left knee.
First out of the limo: Chantal. Oh and look, it's that helpful Chris Harrison chap. Haven't seen him in a while. Now, first out doesn't automatically mean you're toast, but it's much more likely to mean that. We can tell by Chantal's expression, like that of a child presented with a heaping plate of delicious steamed brussel sprouts, that she knows the show's over. She's also dressed for a funeral rather than a proposal. Gee, it's like someone planned this all along. This is getting to be painful to watch. As much as Chantal is kind of a mess, she doesn't deserve what she's about to go through here, and you're just waiting to see how bad the fallout will be.
Brad's parting speech to Chantal actually isn't terrible. You get the sense that this is a guy that's done this a few times before. He really wants, desperately, for the women in his life to like him, even after they get rejected. We saw in the past that he'd continue to be touchy-feely with women he had just dismissed. The most interesting example was Ashley H. who was completely crushed by being let go, and it pained Brad to have her be so cold to him. To some extent that happened with Michelle too, but she was borderline nuts so it wasn't nearly as difficult. The moment he makes it clear that he's choosing Emily, it's insta-sobbing with no hopes of stopping. Nice plumage, though.
The need to be loved gets a little out of hand as Brad starts saying things he ought to avoid: "Every single thing that we have, always will have, is very real." Always will have? Okay, we can clean that up in post production. Have the editor flag that time stamp. "..very, very real." Okay, stop. During the course of these glowing affirmations of how amazing and special Chantal is (one in a million?), he never does say that he's sorry. I think she was looking for that, but there's no way he would even think to say it.
After standing around for about 30 seconds, having exhausted the niceties, Brad asks, "anything you want to say to me?" as if he really needs this. I'm sure she would, Brad, if she wasn't bawling her eyes out and able to put two words together. He's actually a little upset that she doesn't take him up on this. "No??" It really is good to be the bachelor. As they walk back, Chantal's makeup is reduced to runny goo which is a shame because it looks like that took a really long time to apply. For some dumb reason, Brad keeps asking for her to comment on all of this, but she's a complete mess. "Are you okay?"
"...no?" Look, man, she's probably still not okay today. Her performance on After the Final Rose supports that. How would you like to be the new "special man" in Chantal's life watching that show? "Uh, baby.. why are you crying about that douchenozzle Brad?" Rebounds are not very special journeys.Word is that Chantal turned down being the next Bachelorette due to her relationship with this new guy that she effectively made a fool of on national TV. That calculation will look pretty dumb once he's toast and no one remembers who the hell she is.
"I want you to know how much I care about you. Please believe me when I say that." Kind of creepy at this point. Just let it go already. "Bye." The door closes and we voyeuristically watch the mental deconstruction of Channy as she cries all over her feathers and makes a mess of her face. If there were a personality test for this show, Chantal would be the type of person that would immediately fail as being rejected would have an unusual impact in her real life after the show wraps. With Emily, I can't see anywhere near that kind of reaction. Heck, I'm having a difficult time seeing her cry at all if she was in that position. Surely she would, but there's no way her world would collapse like that. This was a pretty big setup, and I really do feel bad for Chantal. She deserved better. She at least deserved the consideration that Ashley H. got. I think it's obvious that Brad didn't care about Chantal all that much. It was Emily or nothing. I'm also starting to rethink that maybe he really had high hopes for Ashley H. Kind of turns my stomach.
We close with Chantal uttering what many a dismissed Bachelor contestant says: "I wonder if I'll ever find love." If there's no hope for attractive women such as yourself, honestly, what hope is there for the ugly people of the world? Thanks a lot, Chantal. Why not express your concerns about money while you're at it?
Emily's here in her own stretch white Mercedes limo, so it's time to shrug off those doldrums and get pumped about America's next great power couple. How totally amped are you for this? Emily's narration gets in one last mention about the role of Ricky in her life and how he showed her what love is. Even if that's true, does it really necessitate a 30th mention (conservative estimate) on this show? This thing really is doomed.
I just now realized that Brad is actually reading his speech to Emily off a card. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't notice before. I think this lends some credibility that he wants to get this right and is experiencing real, non-cyborg emotions for li'l ol' Em. The proposal is actually a pretty tender moment whether you like the guy or not. I think most people are fans of Emily, but the reaction to Brad is probably very mixed. In this moment, I'm buying his emotional response. I know how hard it is to propose to someone you do love and how the weight of the moment comes all at once. She actually has a very spontaneous and caring response to bend down to him and kiss him during this. Dammit, well-played, ABC.. this seemed pretty real, even to a hardened critic like me. That doesn't mean I'm totally on board with your little amusement park ride of a show, but this wasn't bad theater.
Almost forgot to put the ring on.. "Will you put this on your finger, please?" So demanding, but yeah.. it's a pricey little nugget. "I hope you like it."
Money can't buy everything, but it can buy a woman's reaction. If you can't get credit for a ring that costs as much as a Ferrari, you're probably out of luck as a human.As Emily said, somewhat wryly, "you did it!" Yes, our hero is now batting a stout 0.500 in Bachelor finales. I'd take that any day on my fantasy baseball team. Slugging's a little weak, but no one gets as many plate appearances as this guy. Dude's a horse.
One thing I can say about the two finalists is that I found them to be genuine people. From other sources, Emily was painted to be an opportunist and NASCAR groupie, but her actions seem to portray something entirely different on this show. In fact, a good number of these final few were, I felt, decent people. Michelle was certainly a mess, but she played a part and can now log this entry on her rather long IMDb.com page. Even Bachelorette Ashley (auto-cringe) seemed to be a straight shooter. I have no idea how they're going to make her show remotely interesting (disclosure: I've dated a dentist.. they like to inspect your teeth and talk about periodontal habits), but we'll see. Better hope they get creative with casting.
The show wraps with a retrospective of Emily and Brad's tender moments. She really did make quite the impression out of the limo on day one. It seems like she was the front runner probably from the beginning, which I guess we all knew. The only issue was the baggage. That issue is still there, of course. What are their prospects for success? Nil. Oh well, good try, guys. After the Final Rose was one of the more entertaining shows in the series' history. Em and Brad had already broken up, and they were acting very strangely around each other. It was interesting how Brad was acting like an obsequious lap dog. My guess is that someone "poked the bear" and got a little more than they bargained for. Yes, Sir Bradley has a temper problem, which we saw bits and pieces of on the show. These are the kinds of things that won't be fixed overnight, and probably ever in the case of Brad who has had his flaws reinforced over so many years. Emily doesn't have to settle for someone with problems like these, especially with a daughter to raise, so this thing is being held together with chewing gum and yarn at this point. I haven't checked lately, but they're probably already done if not on their way. It was evident from the discussion that Brad sampled Chantal's tasty wares, and that couldn't have helped matters. I always wonder how viewing the show after it's over goes over with the final couple. My guess is: not well... ever.
Chantal checked in with news about her new beau, but not before getting in one last good cry. Brad probably really enjoyed seeing how he makes women want him so. He did quite a number on her, but I think she's the kind of person that will continue to have numbers done on her. After she was done reliving her hurt, she mentioned having met someone really great. Yep, so great that she was obviously still hung up on Brad. That's pretty great.
Ashley H. was there looking like an alien with her faux tan and crazy hair. We didn't get the announcement of her being the new Bachelorette, but it came out shortly thereafter. I guess the makeover was part of the promo. My vote would have been for Madison, but without the stupid vampire shtick. Now there's a woman that would have been fascinating to watch. As someone pointed out earlier, she would chew through guys like a Troy-Bilt. ABC really needs to get her in the queue. Instead we get boring Ashley H., my second favorite Ashley on the show. Boo.
As far as epic journeys go, this was probably a 6 (purely based on entertainment value). I was a fan of Emily throughout, but her having to deal with Brad kind of bothers me. I'm sure that doofus is ruining yet another life. The sooner she gets out, the better.. and she will. There has yet to be a single marriage of the chosen lady with the Bachelor (Jason married the runner up, Molly, after semi-famously ditching the much much MUCH cuter Melissa on national TV), and I think we'll have to wait another year for a potential epic journey to end even more epically than it ever has.
Next up: Bachelor Pad 2 and The Bachelorette. Will I watch? Yes. Yes, I will. I really mean that. Believe me when I say this.
Until next time..
MP
post script:
Video of Emily on Three Wide Life. I still say groupie.
Follow the couple on Twitter @Brad_Womack and @RickisMommy. Once they go silent, you'll know it's over.
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I think I am about to copy and paste and send both recaps to Mrs. Beavers 
What's his excuse?
Mondays finally mean something again.
