Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
There are probably a hundred blogs on this show out there, but none will be as insightful, well-written, or funny as this one will be.
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"The Bachelor" on ABC (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter azgroover
- Start date
honky kong
Footballguy
You're welcome.'Mr. Pickles said:
General Malaise
Footballguy
Sweet. I'll be sending the blog link to my wife and sister. For some reason, I really don't want my wife reading the FFA, so the blog is a great great idea.
General Malaise
Footballguy
For anybody who wants to wager on this trainwreck to be, I'll throw some prop bets out there.
Over/Under on the number of times the word "Amazing" is used tonight - 14.5
Over/Under on the number of times Ashely is shown crying - 1.5
Over/Under on how long it takes ABC to remind us of Ashley's "GOOFY SIDE" - 8 Minutes 34 Seconds
Will a black man get a rose in tonight*? Yes -200/No +160
Anything else? I'll take all action for a maximum of $3 US dollars. I have kids to feed. We'll keep a running tab. I reserve the right to adjust the lines.
*Must have at least one black man for the bet to count.
Over/Under on the number of times the word "Amazing" is used tonight - 14.5
Over/Under on the number of times Ashely is shown crying - 1.5
Over/Under on how long it takes ABC to remind us of Ashley's "GOOFY SIDE" - 8 Minutes 34 Seconds
Will a black man get a rose in tonight*? Yes -200/No +160
Anything else? I'll take all action for a maximum of $3 US dollars. I have kids to feed. We'll keep a running tab. I reserve the right to adjust the lines.
*Must have at least one black man for the bet to count.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
From ABC's site, there are 24 of the whitest men in America and one masked vigilante. I'm assuming he's also Wonder Bread.
desert rose
Footballguy
Do all Mainers talk like Canadians?
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
I am not in want of material.
Zow
Footballguy
well, did he spend the night with her right away?
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
It's up.
ODoyleRules
Footballguy
Watched 5 minutes of this and caught a guy passed out drunk and some dude with mask schtick. I might have to watch this season. OTOH, I heard the phrase "I'm all about ____" and "bro" about 50 times in those 5 minutes.
Third
Footballguy
Well done, Pickles.There was a lot to cover in that first episode...what are your thoughts on the Columbia/Harvard/Yale wunderkind Aames? Seems like a silver-spooned stiff to me...I was a little shocked to see in the season teasers that he made the final 8 or so. And did you see in his "video" early in the show, when he was talking about being a Wall Street guy, that he had a driver dropping him off at his building for work. I was waiting for Billy Ray Valentine to get out of the backseat.
Something isn't right with this Bentley storyline. I somehow don't think he's quite as bad as they've built this up to be. Maybe deceptive editing of his comments in the preview? The "checklist" comments...maybe he was talking about someone else...ex-wife perhaps? If were to go the way it appears, seems they've already blown their wad in week 1.
Cha Cha de Gregorio called and said she really liked the cold cuts guy from Jersey. Good grief. "Danny Zuko" is exactly what I said to my wife last night.
I wish I had a better idea about how long it took Tim to get that ####-faced. That is some serious, fast-paced boozing to get incoherent/pass-out-and-snore schnockered in the span of an hour or two. Can you imagine what it was like for that guy's friends/family watching the show last night?!
Fun times ahead.
Voltaire
Footballguy
Is it possible to be named after a city in Iowa and not be a tool? I say no. This season gives us perfect insight into how you can judge someone by their name.
if you name your kid after a ####ty city or nice car, he's going to be a #####. It's like naming your daughter Amber and expecting her to not be a slut.
if you name your kid after a ####ty city or nice car, he's going to be a #####. It's like naming your daughter Amber and expecting her to not be a slut.
offdee
Footballguy
Supposedly these rose ceremonies can go til 5am and are extremely long (especially at this stage with so many guys). Just imagine them carving out enough time for all 20+ dudes to get a 10minute sitdown with the chick, setting up lighting and camera angles appropriately for all those encounters, etc. Those guys probably have nothing to do for majority of those 5 hours but sit on a couch and drink.
Abraham
Footballguy
Yep - I think that the early "cocktail parties" take an extremely long time. Its really just everyone sitting around waiting for their ten minutes with the occasional push from producers to go interupt someone who has taken too long.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Hey! I live in that ####ty city!
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
39 marathons or somesuch? Seems like he's a little high strung. They kept showing his reaction to other guys getting roses, and it looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head. I basically hate this guy, but have a feeling he's going to stick around a while.
Could be. They have a habit of overplaying their hand with some of these guys. I personally think that he was hand picked to raise some hell. It wouldn't be the first time.
I'm glad he's gone because I couldn't take much more of that.
Well, he is a liquor distributor, but it looks like he distributed everything to himself. I like how Ashley was all diplomatic.. "I don't know if that's a one time thing or..." At least she had the sense to cut him. He was also the fugliest of the lot. I was hoping for a drunken assault on The Phantom, but no such luck.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Very much enjoyed Aames reading off his resume to us before hopping out of the limo in tan pants a dark jacket and was rocking the no socks look. Somewhere a bag is missing its doooooosh.'Third said:
Just reaffirms my stringent belief that everybody from Utah is short a few cards of a full deck. With apologies to Pick and Mad Cow.
Awful. What was with his entry? I thought, albeit briefly, that this guy was about to bring some serious funny to this otherwise bland party. But then he turned towards her and stumbled all over his crank. But take solace all you ladies in Jersey...your boy is HEADING HOME! So much for perpetuating stereotypes, ABC.
I'm betting he was slipped a mickey by that masked guy. The last time I saw a 35 year old male pass out early like that in front of 20 other dues was at a cabin in Wisconsin and that guy was heavily heavily under the influence of other intoxicants. I also didn't really SEE this guy so much as hear about it.
Oh, and I'm from Texas too. I've never in my entire life uttered the phrase "I'm from Texas; we hug". Nice move, Tommmyboy. Did she keep the guy who phoned his mother? I would have put him in the van with Tim Namath as soon as he hung up. Two tickets to the ballet, huh? Where? When? How did he know? I smell some rats...
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Fellas... it's "Ames," not "Aames" as in Willie. Let's do this right.
General Malaise
Footballguy
To be fair, I was just going off of Third's quoted post. But noted for our future.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Here is my write-up for the first episode, though I think it's better to read it on the blogspot site with the embedded images, links, etc. That pic of Megan Hauserman just doesn't translate well to text. If anyone knows of a good way to convert html to invision message board format, that would be most helpful.
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
In 1928, D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover, a daring, ribald novel depicting a steamy relationship between a schlub and a woman of means. At the time of publication, it was cutting edge stuff. Like, really naughty and such. In fact, it wasn't openly published in the United States until 1959, and only after legal intervention, due to all of the salacious descriptions of sex and use of words that made women blush and men recoil in feigned horror.
In fact, Senator Reed Smoot (R-Utah) opposed an amendment to his beloved Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act which would have ended the practice of U.S. Customs censoring books with "questionable" material. He felt so strongly about this that he threatened (though never followed through) to read "indecent" passages in the Senate:
Now, some of you might ask: "Hey, what makes you qualified to blog about this show?" That's a really great question, sir/madam, and I'm happy to answer it up front. For starters, I took this quiz on ABC.com just now and scored a very adept 7/10. Good enough, but not too good, if you know what I mean. It shows that I'm not some deluded insider who is afraid to take on the system. I care enough to know that Ashley has a new weird hair color, but not enough to know that she would also take a phone to a desert island. Trust me, you don't want some superfan writing this blog. I need to be honest with you, in good times and bad... sometimes brutally so. If you don't have the stomach for this, please exit now keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you.
I should also add that I, too, have dated a very short periodontal professional, so I think I'm more than qualified to comment on their peculiarities. You'll need this insight going forward which you should record in the notebooks provided. Now, the dentist that I dated went to Temple, not Penn, so adjust accordingly.
Enough set up. Onto the show...
"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison."
I really feel like I should know who this guy is.
In case you forgot, Ashley is exceptionally sassy and vibrant. She's a dentist that doesn't have a care in the world, with the possible exception of that $160,000 student loan bill awaiting her upon graduation. And she's all about Philly. Just look at her run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and pose like Rocky. I guess the hackneyed stuff is starting early, though this seems even more schlocky than usual.
I didn't remember Ashley being a big dancer. Am I alone? They're making it seem as though she has three true passions in life: dentistry, dancing, and feeling inadequate. Dancers don't have a strong history on this franchise. Remember Tenley? She performed a very special dance exhibition for Jake which led to her nearly immediate dismissal. At least Ashley is holding the cards as the Bachelorette, but I'm worried about her with this. Mental bookmark for later.
Since there's really no coherent storyline to talk about with 25 dudes being released into the wild en masse, it's probably better to just go for some snap reactions and see what develops. Oh look, here comes the limo now...
I don't know the answer to this, but I assume the house is the same every season. Maybe when the series finally meets its overdue demise, ABC can parlay this into Extreme Makeover: Bachelor House Flip Edition. This isn't the first Extreme Makeover joke I've tossed out there, and it won't be the last. Is that the one with the ADHD host Ty Pennington? I'm too lazy to look it up. I'd love to see that dude go off his meds and just shred that place with a wrecking ball.
It seems that lots of these guys looking for some journeys to go on. Boy, are you fellas are in luck.
A daughter named... Cozy? Welcome to the show, Bentley. I want to meet the ex-wife that was cool with this. This reminds me... I read an excellent piece on ESPN.com today (definitely worth the read) about that rabid 'Bama fan Harvey Updyke, Jr. who stands accused of poisoning some hallowed trees on the campus of Auburn. There I learned that Mr. Updyke named his cherished offspring "Bear Bryant" and "Crimson Tyde." This is pretty close to that.
We also learn that Bentley is a single dad, living in Salt Lake City, and that one of Ashley's old show pals (yet unnamed) narced him out for being a dog who is, get this, "there for all the wrong reasons." I'm doing the math and getting Michelle as the answer. I wonder if Ms. Money slept with him too. First Carlos Boozer, now this. Is nothing sacred anymore?
Ooo.. a butcher. How.. forcibly provincial. Anthony seems to be conjuring up the role of Danny Zuko in Grease; he's only missing the "T-Birds" leather jacket. The whole vibe is all wrong here. Sometimes people appear on this show and just lose their minds and start auditioning for something. I guess he'll have to cut meat on another show.
It looks like the producers found a way to sustain Emily's sense of loss and tragedy in this guy West (which, incidentally, "is just north of south"). It's a horrible, tragic story to be sure, but I'm reading there are some murky circumstances surrounding that whole situation. Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea. Like, VH1's Megan Wants a Millionaire bad.
There's already too much tragedy with these guys. Yuck. I'm craving some faux drama. That commercial with Sofia Vergara helped some.
As Chris contractually inserts himself into the show, he discovers, mostly despite himself, that our Ash already has a massive complex about not being the girl the guys expect or want. I think that's a large scab that can be picked at. We learn later that it's exactly what the producers have in mind. I'm equal parts horrified and pleased by this. Well done, you cagey bastards. More, please.
"No regrets, Chris." Oh, we'll see about that.
If Vegas set some prop bets for the premiere episode, one of them surely would have been "number of times Ashley is picked up off the ground." I'm a little surprised by it only being two, but I think some of these guys are pacing themselves. Pretty clever way to determine her weight while maintaining a sense of ease and playfulness. Not a bad maneuver, gents, but don't get all grabby with the butt. Overall, I think the cumulative total could easily exceed 50 with about 15 appearing in the edited show. Someone keep track.
The next batch of dudes seems to be a little more promising. Well, sort of.
This guy William is surely the new
Yes, it must be a lack of supply, Mike. Keep looking.There's no way Miss Hebert is getting married after this is all over with. I'll commit to that here and now, Ali and Trista be dammed. Those two had their stuff together. Ashley is too much of a scatterbrained goof. And of course the dentist thing pretty much ensures failure. I'd have higher hopes for Shawntel the mortician coming out of this process with a hubby than Ashley.
Looking forward to a show with some more pulp than this, and fewer damn names. Au revoir, first round of cuts. We hardly knew ye.
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
In 1928, D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover, a daring, ribald novel depicting a steamy relationship between a schlub and a woman of means. At the time of publication, it was cutting edge stuff. Like, really naughty and such. In fact, it wasn't openly published in the United States until 1959, and only after legal intervention, due to all of the salacious descriptions of sex and use of words that made women blush and men recoil in feigned horror.
In fact, Senator Reed Smoot (R-Utah) opposed an amendment to his beloved Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act which would have ended the practice of U.S. Customs censoring books with "questionable" material. He felt so strongly about this that he threatened (though never followed through) to read "indecent" passages in the Senate:
Some pretty strong words from the right honorable gentleman from Utah You can clearly see how much Congress has changed in 80-some years.So what does all of this have to do with a pint-size dentist from Maine and her journey to find real, honest, true love? Well, nothing, since this show will be more in the vein of Senator Smoot's vision of America than D.H. Lawrence's bawdy visions in his mind, but I felt I should get the first literary allusion out of the way.
Now, some of you might ask: "Hey, what makes you qualified to blog about this show?" That's a really great question, sir/madam, and I'm happy to answer it up front. For starters, I took this quiz on ABC.com just now and scored a very adept 7/10. Good enough, but not too good, if you know what I mean. It shows that I'm not some deluded insider who is afraid to take on the system. I care enough to know that Ashley has a new weird hair color, but not enough to know that she would also take a phone to a desert island. Trust me, you don't want some superfan writing this blog. I need to be honest with you, in good times and bad... sometimes brutally so. If you don't have the stomach for this, please exit now keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you.
I should also add that I, too, have dated a very short periodontal professional, so I think I'm more than qualified to comment on their peculiarities. You'll need this insight going forward which you should record in the notebooks provided. Now, the dentist that I dated went to Temple, not Penn, so adjust accordingly.
Enough set up. Onto the show...
"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison."
I really feel like I should know who this guy is.
In case you forgot, Ashley is exceptionally sassy and vibrant. She's a dentist that doesn't have a care in the world, with the possible exception of that $160,000 student loan bill awaiting her upon graduation. And she's all about Philly. Just look at her run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and pose like Rocky. I guess the hackneyed stuff is starting early, though this seems even more schlocky than usual.
I didn't remember Ashley being a big dancer. Am I alone? They're making it seem as though she has three true passions in life: dentistry, dancing, and feeling inadequate. Dancers don't have a strong history on this franchise. Remember Tenley? She performed a very special dance exhibition for Jake which led to her nearly immediate dismissal. At least Ashley is holding the cards as the Bachelorette, but I'm worried about her with this. Mental bookmark for later.
Since there's really no coherent storyline to talk about with 25 dudes being released into the wild en masse, it's probably better to just go for some snap reactions and see what develops. Oh look, here comes the limo now...
I don't know the answer to this, but I assume the house is the same every season. Maybe when the series finally meets its overdue demise, ABC can parlay this into Extreme Makeover: Bachelor House Flip Edition. This isn't the first Extreme Makeover joke I've tossed out there, and it won't be the last. Is that the one with the ADHD host Ty Pennington? I'm too lazy to look it up. I'd love to see that dude go off his meds and just shred that place with a wrecking ball.
It seems that lots of these guys looking for some journeys to go on. Boy, are you fellas are in luck.
A daughter named... Cozy? Welcome to the show, Bentley. I want to meet the ex-wife that was cool with this. This reminds me... I read an excellent piece on ESPN.com today (definitely worth the read) about that rabid 'Bama fan Harvey Updyke, Jr. who stands accused of poisoning some hallowed trees on the campus of Auburn. There I learned that Mr. Updyke named his cherished offspring "Bear Bryant" and "Crimson Tyde." This is pretty close to that.
We also learn that Bentley is a single dad, living in Salt Lake City, and that one of Ashley's old show pals (yet unnamed) narced him out for being a dog who is, get this, "there for all the wrong reasons." I'm doing the math and getting Michelle as the answer. I wonder if Ms. Money slept with him too. First Carlos Boozer, now this. Is nothing sacred anymore?
Ooo.. a butcher. How.. forcibly provincial. Anthony seems to be conjuring up the role of Danny Zuko in Grease; he's only missing the "T-Birds" leather jacket. The whole vibe is all wrong here. Sometimes people appear on this show and just lose their minds and start auditioning for something. I guess he'll have to cut meat on another show.
It looks like the producers found a way to sustain Emily's sense of loss and tragedy in this guy West (which, incidentally, "is just north of south"). It's a horrible, tragic story to be sure, but I'm reading there are some murky circumstances surrounding that whole situation. Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea. Like, VH1's Megan Wants a Millionaire bad.
There's already too much tragedy with these guys. Yuck. I'm craving some faux drama. That commercial with Sofia Vergara helped some.
As Chris contractually inserts himself into the show, he discovers, mostly despite himself, that our Ash already has a massive complex about not being the girl the guys expect or want. I think that's a large scab that can be picked at. We learn later that it's exactly what the producers have in mind. I'm equal parts horrified and pleased by this. Well done, you cagey bastards. More, please.
"No regrets, Chris." Oh, we'll see about that.
If Vegas set some prop bets for the premiere episode, one of them surely would have been "number of times Ashley is picked up off the ground." I'm a little surprised by it only being two, but I think some of these guys are pacing themselves. Pretty clever way to determine her weight while maintaining a sense of ease and playfulness. Not a bad maneuver, gents, but don't get all grabby with the butt. Overall, I think the cumulative total could easily exceed 50 with about 15 appearing in the edited show. Someone keep track.
The next batch of dudes seems to be a little more promising. Well, sort of.
This guy William is surely the new
Yes, it must be a lack of supply, Mike. Keep looking.There's no way Miss Hebert is getting married after this is all over with. I'll commit to that here and now, Ali and Trista be dammed. Those two had their stuff together. Ashley is too much of a scatterbrained goof. And of course the dentist thing pretty much ensures failure. I'd have higher hopes for Shawntel the mortician coming out of this process with a hubby than Ashley.
Looking forward to a show with some more pulp than this, and fewer damn names. Au revoir, first round of cuts. We hardly knew ye.
Thread Killer
Footballguy
honky kong
Footballguy
This installment is damn near unwatchable.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
William fever: CATCH IT!
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
An extensive dismembering of William is already in progress.
honky kong
Footballguy
I'm really wondering what Ashley's midriff looks like.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Yes, he was certainly there. He's the "fun" personal trainer. Lucas is the new stealth.
krista4
Footballguy
Thanks, Pickles. I'm watching about an hour behind real time (not that it's an excuse). Appreciate your expertise.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
The problem is that Bentley isn't really crazy. He's a plant. It's hard to hate the guy that's just following orders.
Voltaire
Footballguy
I meant whatshername as the crazy. Although insecure is the least fun kind.Bentley is a plant, but he approaches the show how I would imagine one of my friends doing it. I'm going to incorporate the swimming in pee line into my everyday life. The rest of the guys are a loaf of white bread except one slice is wearing a mask.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
Yeah, he's laying it on a little thick. I'm sure he's horrifying scores of women in the key 18-34 demographic, though.
honky kong
Footballguy
I'm usually on the opposite side of the villain in these things but a) Ashley is an idiot, making it hard to feel sorry for her, and b) most of the remaining guys are tools. I have to pull for him by default almost.Anybody else see the Rick Reilly resemblance with Nick the Trainer Guy?I also think the Mask has the potential to outdo the Guard and Protect Your Heart Guy from the last Bachelorette as far as the crazy goes. :fingerscrossed:
desert rose
Footballguy
Entrepreneur is code for unemployed. Masked guy is creepy.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
No chance. Will is the new Kasey if anything, but that's even being generous. Jeff is a total bore.
Sonny Lubick Blowup Doll
Footballguy
This is still going? I couldn't handle it, I'd rather watch one of those housewives shows, they are AMAZING.
Mr. Pickles
Footballguy
I like a good challenge.
pantherclub
Footballguy
So whats the deal on Ashleys horrible wrist tat? She didnt have that last season did she?
Also, I cannot remember a b-lette who tongued so many dudes right off the bat.
Also, I cannot remember a b-lette who tongued so many dudes right off the bat.
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