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Trouble Brewing with Super Religious Parents - How to Handle (1 Viewer)

bud29

bud29

Footballguy
I'll try to keep this short, as long/rambling backstories are kinda the worst.

My parents are devout Christians and have tried to raise all their kids to be the same - I can't say I'm entirely sold, and afaik I'm the only child who feels this way. There have been no issues with this yet, I just play along. However, I recently started dating a girl who is pretty agnostic - not a big deal to me at all, since I essentially feel the same way, but I didn't really consider the kind of problems this could create. Tonight, an exchange between my parents hit me like a train:

Mom: "[oldest child] called and was pretty upset."

Dad: "Why?"

Mom: "The guy she liked, she found out he isn't Christian."

Dad: "What is he, atheist or something? Well, guess she needs to move on."

:doh:  

They've told me repeatedly that if all else fails, "at least you'll still love God," so they would be absolutely mortified if I indicated anything to the contrary. Sooner or later, the question of "What church does your girlfriend go to" will come up, and I really have no clue how I'm going to handle it. Any tips? I know this board as a whole is pretty non-religious, did any of you guys have really religious parents? Any help greatly appreciated.

 
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If one of my kids was in a similar situation, I'd hope they would be open and honest with me. 

 
I would say tell them the truth.  They won't like it at first, and it may lead to some drama, but they will eventually come around to accepting that you do not share all their beliefs.  Don't be confrontational about anything, but be honest when they ask questions.  Eventually, they will just start praying for you.

 
dgreen said:
If one of my kids was in a similar situation, I'd hope they would be open and honest with me. 
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Galileo said:
I would say tell them the truth.  They won't like it at first, and it may lead to some drama, but they will eventually come around to accepting that you do not share all their beliefs.  Don't be confrontational about anything, but be honest when they ask questions.  Eventually, they will just start praying for you.
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Thanks for input, greatly appreciated. This is kinda where I'm at, the uncertainty of how they'll react is what's concerning me. Don't exactly have a blueprint to follow since my other siblings don't seem to have any of the reservations I do. Some extended family members have more or less fallen away from religion, but I've always been under the impression that my parents are proud that it's never happened to their kids.

Binky The Doormat said:
So ...like, how freaky is she in the sack?  
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:lmao:  Enough to make it worth the trouble (barring anything catastrophic I suppose).

 
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How old are you and how long have you been dating?  Unless the answers to those questions are >25 and >1 year, absolutely no need to have this discussion.  

 
You should have them watch Dracula Returns from the Grave, starring Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing. In that movie a very religious father throws his daughter's devoted suitor out because he is an atheist, and because of that his a daughter is seduced by Dracula and becomes a vampire.

Right after viewing the movie turn off the tv and tell your parents you're dating an atheist and that you're afraid you may turn into a vampire if you are not allowed to continue to do so.

 
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tommyGunZ said:
How old are you and how long have you been dating?  Unless the answers to those questions are >25 and >1 year, absolutely no need to have this discussion.  
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Oh, I'm not itching to have any sort of discussion like this with them. I'm anticipating that they make a big deal out of it though, since that's the kind of emphasis they put on spirituality/religion. I'm trying to prepare for it, and if the topic never arises, I'll be very happy to have been wrong.

 
SaintsInDome2006 said:
You should have them watch Dracula Returns from the Grave, starring Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing. In that movie a very religious father throws his daughter's devoted suitor out because he is an atheist, and because of that his a daughter is seduced by Dracula and becomes a vampire.

Right after viewing the movie turn off the tv and tell your parents you're dating an atheist and that you're afraid you may turn into a vampire if you are not allowed to continue to do so.
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Idk why this made me giggle but it did

 
bud29 said:
I just play along.
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No good.  Pretending to be something you're not just to avoid conflict, or possibly to spare their feelings, it's not a tenable situation, imo.  Figure out what you really believe or don't believe first, and why.  If you don't believe what they do, break it to them gently but you have to be your first priority.

Also, don't make it about your GF.  That's probably obvious but just in case.

 
VandyMan said:
No good.  Pretending to be something you're not just to avoid conflict, or possibly to spare their feelings, it's not a tenable situation, imo.  Figure out what you really believe or don't believe first, and why.  If you don't believe what they do, break it to them gently but you have to be your first priority.

Also, don't make it about your GF.  That's probably obvious but just in case.
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Thanks, I really appreciate the insight.

bananafish said:
Tell them you converted her from Islam with your penis.
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  :lmao: :lmao:  

 
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tommyGunZ said:
How old are you and how long have you been dating?  Unless the answers to those questions are >25 and >1 year, absolutely no need to have this discussion.  
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OP's age may be pertinent.  I don't think he told that.  Relationship should be irrelevant.  That's not what this is really about.

 
I had a roommate in college whose parents put the Kibosh on his relationship with his girlfriend because they heard she wasn't a virgin.  No real tie in with the OP's story, I just wanted to share that.

 
If your relationship gets serious, you might want to break it to them so they can get used to the idea.  Otherwise, when it comes time to get married, you will be so screwed.

 
Live your own life.  Family, friends, and everyone else you come into contact with judge you regardless.  Do what makes you happy.

 
A few ways this could go are:

a. Parents view this as a wonderful opportunity over time to win a convert to their faith.  Not a likely scenario, but that may be a way they can view the situation.

b. They are happy that you have found a person that makes you happy regardless of religion.  

c.  They are so distraught that they close off all communications with you for several years, then later in life realize how much precious time they have wasted and attempt to reconcile, by which time so much resentment from your now wife and mother of your 5 children has built up making this reconciliation impossible.  They live out the remainder of their days lamenting this decision as your children grow up to be militant atheists leading the revolution to topple organized religion.

 
Mr. Know-It-All said:
c.  They are so distraught that they close off all communications with you for several years, then later in life realize how much precious time they have wasted and attempt to reconcile, by which time so much resentment from your now wife and mother of your 5 children has built up making this reconciliation impossible.  They live out the remainder of their days lamenting this decision as your children grow up to be militant atheists leading the revolution to topple organized religion.
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^^^^ OMG I hope this happens!

I don't have good advice bud29, but I'll tell you a piece of my story and maybe you can get something from it.  I was the favorite kid in a hyper religious household (welcome to Arkansas) until I left home.  I then learned a bit more about the world, and how religion (in my opinion) is a scam.  I still played along by going to church and praying and doing all the silly things religious people do.  After a few years, I told my parents and brother and sister my true thoughts.  My place in the family then dropped and since I have gotten texts/emails/phone calls/in person lectures about how I need Jesus in my life.  Prepare for that.  Even if you use your girlfriend as a proxy, it's going to come down to a judgement upon you.  If you don't open up to them, and they find out your girl is agnostic/atheist (makes no difference to many religious people) then they will blame her for your eventual coming out of the same viewpoints.  And if you get serious with her and have a long term relationship, they'll forever blame her as the Jezebel that took her baby from the loving arms of Jesus.  That's really unfair to her and may doom your relationship.

 
dgreen said:
If one of my kids was in a similar situation, I'd hope they would be open and honest with me. 
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This, but until you're looking to put a ring on it, it's not germane.  If they ask, you can just say that if God wants to, he can help her see the light but you don't want them pushing the issue because that might push her away.  She, and you, might come back at the right time - it's his plan afterall.

 
Just tell them you're an adult now, and your reason has led you to a different place. You respect their beliefs and you hope they can respect yours. If you suspect that might lead to them disowning you, then either prepare for that or continue living a lie. If you choose the latter, then you need to bring your gf up to speed and have her play along too, or end up dumping her to keep the peace. Not an easy choice, obviously. Good luck.

 
Be honest in a conversation about religion with them when the time is right.   Be respectful of their beliefs while saying you do not share them.

This conversation will need to be had eventually.  Especially when you damn their future grandchildren to hell by not baptizing them.

 
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I'm trying to see if from your point of view:  If my son or daughter came home and told me that they were seriously dating a devout Christian.

I gotta say that I'd worry a little less if my son told me that . . . . Guys will put up with all sorts of oddities if it means getting a little strange.  

But with my girl -- I have a hard enough time accepting that my daughter will date anyone ever.  So, dating somebody that believed in sky faeries would likely put me over the top. 

 
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I tell my parents I am hopeful but not at a stage of belief.  My parents seem to be OK with this most of the time.  

 
my last post was kidding, of course.  The "real" answer is that, as parents, we have NO CONTROL over what our kids believe.  Whether it's their deity of choice, or (gag) becoming Yankees or Cowboys fans.  My hope for my kids are that they find someone compatible with their belief system -- regardless of whether that system matches mine. With my son -- i want to make sure he doesn't date a manipulative b^tch.  With my daughter -- I want to make sure she doesn't date an abusive bully or an a^^hole.  Everything else.  EVERYTHING.  Is cream cheese.  

Down deep, your old man knows this. That's the part of him you need to appeal to, when you are ready. 

PS: Congratulations on the sweet, sweet, strange.  God, I miss my 20s.

 
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The Future Champs said:
Shark move is go Unitarian.   No one is really sure wtf that is, and no one wants to admit it by asking further questions.
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:thumbup:

It has another added benefit:  You can still answer truthfully "yes" to the question: "are you a christian."   Plenty of Unitarians consider themselves Christian (although, to be fair, plenty don't I think).

 
Why don't you just tell them she goes to whatever church you tell them you go to? I'm assuming you don't go considering your previous statements and would therefore have to have lied to them about what church you go to. If they haven't asked you what church you go to, I can't imagine they'd ask what church she goes to.

 
Mom....Dad....I have something to tell you. I think you'd better sit down. Well, here goes....so, the thing is....I'm....gay. I've been dating guys for some time now. I've never been happier, and I hope you can still accept me and love me unconditionally.

Just kidding! My girlfriend's an atheist!  :excited:

 
I think you really shouldnt give a #### about what your parents think. tell them the truth and let them deal with it

 
Brony said:
Start with a rationale discussion about the multiple holes and contradictions in the bible. 
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:lol:  Good luck!  

I got "don't know much about the bible" on disc to listen to on while driving on vacation.  Decent book, if the people you're listening with are open minded.

 
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