Peak
Footballguy
Had a talk with the wife on Saturday – our first “date night” in over 4 months. With the kids sports schedules this summer/fall, we have constantly been on the move. Our relationship is rocky at best. We're not perfect in any way, but we're far from "okay". Every now and then we play the part of a happy couple. But that’s in public. In private, everything I say and do is wrong, while she can’t consider any opinions other than hers. We butt heads constantly. We try to keep it away from the kids, but it doesn’t always work that way.
Back to Saturday night, we tried small talk and it couldn’t work. Over dinner we began talking about the elephant in the room. We’ve known each other for 18 years – been married for 13 years. Its crazy saying that outloud. How did we make it this long? She told me that she hasn’t been happy with herself over the last 4 years. She’s put on weight, her job isn’t fulfilling, and she has been “mailing it in” with the family for the last 10 months. She doesn't try to cook or clean (not that it's expected, only that there's no effort there). The regular dinner for us is cereal, sandwiches, or pizza - unless I get home in time to make something basic. (Home at 6, dinner at 6:30, homework at 7 and kids to bed by 8. A typical evening, right?)
From my end, I’ve been trying to make her happy. I admit I put on weight, but I’m quick to take it off. I have packed on and dropped off 20 lbs 4 times in the last three years. My problem is I lose the weight thinking it will help our relationship, only to find out that she has no interest in losing weight. (She has put on weight, to which she isn't comfortable with it and not happy with having it. Yet she doesn't do anything to get rid of it.) I give up trying and gain it back, only to hear her say again 7 months later that she wants to lose weight and I'm fat and need to lose weight. So I try to be supportive and I begin to workout with her, but I’m the only that keeps going after a few days. It becomes demoralizing after awhile.
She feels we came into this marriage with “different expectations”. She was raised in a large family who encouraged the kids to go big and push for what they want in life. I was raised in a lower class area and worked for what I have in life with no real support. My parents never sat in the same room together longer than 20mins. I often left my house to get away from the tension growing up. I relied on an inner-city school guidance counselor to help lead me to a college/profession, not realizing I was just another number to her. When I graduated, my parental advice was to go to a temp agency and “find a job” that way. I tried to teach myself everything I didn’t know. I told myself I would never live like that and my family would be different.
Following our dinner conversation, I realized it wasn’t any different. I have three degrees and don’t hide the fact that I want to keep learning. Psychology, Sociology, Business, IT…whatever it is, I want to know more. My wife has been supportive. Even if I begin to second guess if the time was right to go to school, she would push me towards the goal. But she told me this weekend she feels like she is always pushing me and that I don’t do anything unless I’m pushed. Essentially, she said she’s tired of pushing. She thinks we are years apart and her expectations out of life are different than mine – as she feels I am now comfortable with my job/life and no longer pushing forward to bigger and better things.
I have fought and scrapped to climb from a low-paying $30k year job to a career consultant making triple the amount. I feel good about where I am and finally comfortable after fighting to get here. So I guess she is right, but I don’t have aspirations to become an executive millionaire or climb higher into middle management within an organization. I missed out on my daughter as a baby/toddler due to work. I worked two jobs when my boys were growing up and constantly traveled. For the last two years, I’m finally home. I feel good and I’m able to spend time with my kids – playing, coaching, going on field trips with their school. I guess I am comfortable. But is that wrong?
She brought up that I have always talked about joining the Air Force, but never did due to “time restrictions”. There is an opportunity in my field where I could join now. The door is open for a limited time. She thinks I should go for it. It would be something I’ve wanted to do, but I just got done bouncing around and I’m finally in a good house in a good area with time to spend with the family. If I do this, I’m gone for 12 weeks in training, followed by 6 months of Officer’s school. In total, I would be away from home again for at least 3 months, if not more. My wife thinks the time away would be good for us. I don’t agree as I missed her and the kids dearly when they went on a 10 day vacation without me due to my work schedule 3 months ago. She didn’t seem to miss me at all. I’ve been separated from the family and I didn’t like it. She said she thinks the time apart would be telling, as she wants to know if she’ll “miss me” while I’m away. I asked if she loved me, to which she said yes. But if that’s the case, how could you not know you would miss a loved one if they were gone for an extended period of time? It doesn’t add up.
I’m not a smart man, but I’m pretty sure I can see where this is going. She doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She says she loves me, but she doesn’t show it. No affection shown my way in months (physically, it’s been years). No “I love you” conversations with me. Plenty of these are had with the kids – nothing to me. No hugs, no physical closeness. She sits on the other end of the couch from me, and if I get close she asks why I’m there. She doesn’t want me near her. I feel like I did something wrong here – yet I don’t think I did. I’ve done nothing but try to make her happy. Maybe she is depressed and mad at herself –taking it out on me? I don’t know anymore.
The worst part is I have no friends. I’m an only child with no close friendships. She is (was?) my best friend. Is it strange for a 38 year old man to not have a friend to talk to? No one to call up to watch the game at the bar, or just get away for a while to play golf and bull####? I play softball and have acquaintances, but no one I consider a friend. The closest one is her younger brother, and even then we’re not that close.
I try to imagine life as a divorced dad, and I can fathom it. I don’t know where to start, but I can’t talk to her. So who do I turn to? (Apparently a FF message board…lol) I’m not sure what to do now. Depressed? Yes. Considered talking to a therapist about this whole mess. Sometimes I think writing it out like this will help me get it off my chest. But then what? My mind is cleared until our next conversation (fight, argument?) and then it floods back in. I find its getting harder to talk to her. I can’t get her to understand my point of view. I feel like I’m not using (finding?) the right words. This is why I need someone else to talk to right now. Even writing this out is awkward. But I don’t want it to stew, or keep the feelings hidden inside. I don’t want my kids to think this is what a real relationship is…(or is it and I’m kidding myself?)
I don’t know what to do now. I’m lost.
Back to Saturday night, we tried small talk and it couldn’t work. Over dinner we began talking about the elephant in the room. We’ve known each other for 18 years – been married for 13 years. Its crazy saying that outloud. How did we make it this long? She told me that she hasn’t been happy with herself over the last 4 years. She’s put on weight, her job isn’t fulfilling, and she has been “mailing it in” with the family for the last 10 months. She doesn't try to cook or clean (not that it's expected, only that there's no effort there). The regular dinner for us is cereal, sandwiches, or pizza - unless I get home in time to make something basic. (Home at 6, dinner at 6:30, homework at 7 and kids to bed by 8. A typical evening, right?)
From my end, I’ve been trying to make her happy. I admit I put on weight, but I’m quick to take it off. I have packed on and dropped off 20 lbs 4 times in the last three years. My problem is I lose the weight thinking it will help our relationship, only to find out that she has no interest in losing weight. (She has put on weight, to which she isn't comfortable with it and not happy with having it. Yet she doesn't do anything to get rid of it.) I give up trying and gain it back, only to hear her say again 7 months later that she wants to lose weight and I'm fat and need to lose weight. So I try to be supportive and I begin to workout with her, but I’m the only that keeps going after a few days. It becomes demoralizing after awhile.
She feels we came into this marriage with “different expectations”. She was raised in a large family who encouraged the kids to go big and push for what they want in life. I was raised in a lower class area and worked for what I have in life with no real support. My parents never sat in the same room together longer than 20mins. I often left my house to get away from the tension growing up. I relied on an inner-city school guidance counselor to help lead me to a college/profession, not realizing I was just another number to her. When I graduated, my parental advice was to go to a temp agency and “find a job” that way. I tried to teach myself everything I didn’t know. I told myself I would never live like that and my family would be different.
Following our dinner conversation, I realized it wasn’t any different. I have three degrees and don’t hide the fact that I want to keep learning. Psychology, Sociology, Business, IT…whatever it is, I want to know more. My wife has been supportive. Even if I begin to second guess if the time was right to go to school, she would push me towards the goal. But she told me this weekend she feels like she is always pushing me and that I don’t do anything unless I’m pushed. Essentially, she said she’s tired of pushing. She thinks we are years apart and her expectations out of life are different than mine – as she feels I am now comfortable with my job/life and no longer pushing forward to bigger and better things.
I have fought and scrapped to climb from a low-paying $30k year job to a career consultant making triple the amount. I feel good about where I am and finally comfortable after fighting to get here. So I guess she is right, but I don’t have aspirations to become an executive millionaire or climb higher into middle management within an organization. I missed out on my daughter as a baby/toddler due to work. I worked two jobs when my boys were growing up and constantly traveled. For the last two years, I’m finally home. I feel good and I’m able to spend time with my kids – playing, coaching, going on field trips with their school. I guess I am comfortable. But is that wrong?
She brought up that I have always talked about joining the Air Force, but never did due to “time restrictions”. There is an opportunity in my field where I could join now. The door is open for a limited time. She thinks I should go for it. It would be something I’ve wanted to do, but I just got done bouncing around and I’m finally in a good house in a good area with time to spend with the family. If I do this, I’m gone for 12 weeks in training, followed by 6 months of Officer’s school. In total, I would be away from home again for at least 3 months, if not more. My wife thinks the time away would be good for us. I don’t agree as I missed her and the kids dearly when they went on a 10 day vacation without me due to my work schedule 3 months ago. She didn’t seem to miss me at all. I’ve been separated from the family and I didn’t like it. She said she thinks the time apart would be telling, as she wants to know if she’ll “miss me” while I’m away. I asked if she loved me, to which she said yes. But if that’s the case, how could you not know you would miss a loved one if they were gone for an extended period of time? It doesn’t add up.
I’m not a smart man, but I’m pretty sure I can see where this is going. She doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She says she loves me, but she doesn’t show it. No affection shown my way in months (physically, it’s been years). No “I love you” conversations with me. Plenty of these are had with the kids – nothing to me. No hugs, no physical closeness. She sits on the other end of the couch from me, and if I get close she asks why I’m there. She doesn’t want me near her. I feel like I did something wrong here – yet I don’t think I did. I’ve done nothing but try to make her happy. Maybe she is depressed and mad at herself –taking it out on me? I don’t know anymore.
The worst part is I have no friends. I’m an only child with no close friendships. She is (was?) my best friend. Is it strange for a 38 year old man to not have a friend to talk to? No one to call up to watch the game at the bar, or just get away for a while to play golf and bull####? I play softball and have acquaintances, but no one I consider a friend. The closest one is her younger brother, and even then we’re not that close.
I try to imagine life as a divorced dad, and I can fathom it. I don’t know where to start, but I can’t talk to her. So who do I turn to? (Apparently a FF message board…lol) I’m not sure what to do now. Depressed? Yes. Considered talking to a therapist about this whole mess. Sometimes I think writing it out like this will help me get it off my chest. But then what? My mind is cleared until our next conversation (fight, argument?) and then it floods back in. I find its getting harder to talk to her. I can’t get her to understand my point of view. I feel like I’m not using (finding?) the right words. This is why I need someone else to talk to right now. Even writing this out is awkward. But I don’t want it to stew, or keep the feelings hidden inside. I don’t want my kids to think this is what a real relationship is…(or is it and I’m kidding myself?)
I don’t know what to do now. I’m lost.
