Your favorite post ever (2 Viewers)

[gianmarco]

Real Sharks know when to make adjustments. Take myself for example, who benched Brady in favor of Warner, sat Moss and started Jennings, spot started Stecker over FWP, rolled the dice with Scheffler. These are the adjustments the sharks make to rocket themselves into the Stratosphere of the Great White. We do not rely solely on projections. We rely on an inherent clairvoyance. A little voice that says "Get-Greg-Camarillo-active". So sit back and whine over Joe's projections. Meanwhile I'm uncorking a bottle of DP coasting to another Championship in my big money league.

-The Goat

 

[mquinnjr]

I wish I was around here when all these stories came out.

 

[Hooper31]

Beer30 welcome post.

 

[Raider Nation]

Real Sharks know when to make adjustments. Take myself for example, who benched Brady in favor of Warner, sat Moss and started Jennings, spot started Stecker over FWP, rolled the dice with Scheffler. These are the adjustments the sharks make to rocket themselves into the Stratosphere of the Great White. We do not rely solely on projections. We rely on an inherent clairvoyance. A little voice that says "Get-Greg-Camarillo-active". So sit back and whine over Joe's projections. Meanwhile I'm uncorking a bottle of DP coasting to another Championship in my big money league.

-The Goat

Fin, FTR.

 

[Native]

My favorite ever is from the very under-rated "A note to my Coworker" thread

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=305366&page=28#entry9562330

Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.



Sweet Kisses,


Poophobic

 

[mquinnjr]

Quiet sunday afternoon at the Mojo Dojo. I was surfing the FFA hoping for some details regarding Homer and the Russian gal, when I hear a blood curdling scream from the west wing of the mansion. I then hear my wife scream "HE'S ON FIRE!!! HE'S ON FIRE!!!! MY GOD HE'S ON FIRE!!!!"

Before I have a chance to get up, I see a growing brightness quickly filling up the hallway. I then observe a screaming, flaming comet traveling Mach 4 through the hall. Somehow Freddy, the wife's cat, is ablaze and none to happy about it from what I can tell. Wife was burning a candle, Freddy stuck his tail on it and <POOF>. Thank goodness the speed at which he was traveling caused sufficient wind to keep the flames on his back half, but now I have a very pissed off, very combusted feline on the loose in the house.

First place the "Feline Torch" heads is the kitchen where he runs into the wife's dog. He's a little shepherd mix with a yellow streak a mile long. The sight of a screaming, burning cat hurtling at him at light speed forced him immediately into his only defense mechanism - which is to #### everywhere on full auto (he's a bit like an octopus in that manner; when threatened, he blasts an inky brown cloud at his predators.)

All the excitement, and of course flaming prey, sends both St. Bernards into "chase mode". Now I have a flaming cat, a pooping shepherd and 320 pounds of dog chasing after the Starship Freddy. As I come into the hall, I see the wife on the floor dangerously near the smears of poo all over the kitchen floor from the stampede, having been knocked to the ground by the big dogs. She's now frantic and trying to gain her footing while noxious burning embers of cat hair float in the air - all with the smell of burning cat and fresh poo in my nostrils.

We're off to the sunporch where the dogs have closed in on the flaming cat. The cat know is not only aflame, but is about to be eaten by the dogs so he climbs the walls, singeing and melting the lace curtains as he goes. The dumbest dog of the bunch thinks this is a great time for play and tries to cut off the blazing cat. Freddy, no slouch in the boxing department pauses in mid-air, aflame, all ###### Matrix-style to kick the #### outta the St. Bernard. This of course also sets the St. Bernard to smoldering. I certainly can't catch the cat, and don't really want to, so all I can do is leap over the wife, fight through the dogs, and throw a bowl full of slobber-filled water on the cat while the wife grabs a dishtowel to put out the St. Bernard, and tears down the drapes before we have another situation. She slammed the glass door to the porch to end the chase for the dogs. They of course have ran through #### and are jumping on the glass door, smearing #### and slobber from floor to ceiling.

The cat's hindquarters and tail were nothing but a smoldering wreck of blackened hair (somehow never reached the skin, thank goodness), and had to be shaved. I of course soaked him with the sink sprayer as I didn't want him all of a sudden igniting again during the dinner hour. The dog suffered only minor whisker damage and a few scratches. The house however is covered in cat and dog hair (burnt and otherwise), with streaks of dog #### covering the porch, kitchen, and nearly every surface imaginable. Two sets of curtains are screwed, and the porch carpet fibres are melted in places from the feline inferno. All through the house is a haze of malodorous thick burnt cat smoke that won't go away.

Question: How the hell do I get rid of the smell of charred cat? Renuzit and Fabreze aint cutting it. Oh, how was your weekend?

Before I get to your next post, I have never laughed so hard at something someone posted on the internet. I don't mean this in a mean way, I am complimenting you on how well you outlaid your story. I grew up with cats and dogs, and am glad in the end they were all OK.

But seriously, this was the best posting I've ever read here or on the internet.

 

[bostonfred]

That post and the one after it were from a poster named mojo, many years ago.

 

[Woogie Lee]

something from Vivian Darkbloom

 

[mquinnjr]

One more reason to love our pal, Fred. As you may recall, dear friends, when last we left our little buddy he had just avoided a fiery death in a conflagaration of flames, poo, and dog slobber.

Another calm Sunday morning over't Uncle Mojo's....

Wife "saved" another lost dog while out for a run on Saturday afternoon and was compelled to bring him home (again, why she can't do this with wayward lesbians, I'll never know). Good looking Shepherd/Collie mix that spent most of the night in a corner being a little apprehensive about the new surroundings. By Sunday morning, he was up and about and sniffing his new temporary lodgings.

I'm at the kitchen table with a cup a joe and the paper when I see he's getting dangerously close to Freddy who is taking a nap in a sunny spot. I tried to get his attention by saying "Hey!" (well, what the hell do you call a stray dog? Ralph?) quietly enough not to wake Freddy, but he pretty much ignores me - much to his own detriment. No sooner did he get his nose within 6 inches of Freddy, his feline instincts brought him fully awake to find a strange dog in his grill. Naturally Freddy leapt immediately into his Neo "Matrix" Anderson shtick, defying gravity as he commences to whipping this dogs ### with extreme prejudice. "Hey" realizes he's in deep poo and now has a pissed off orange ball of fur intent on taking his life (or at least his eyes).

With a yelp of pain and terror, Hey makes a headlong dash for safety (in the opposite direction of the parade in our earlier tale). Legs running in mid-air/sliding on the floor ala Scooby-Doo, he rounds the corner into the living room with hell (or Freddy, they're interchangeable) hot on his heels. I follow as I kinda feel sorry for Hey and the lesson he is still along way from the end of. As I turn the corner, thats when I hear the screams......

The dog ran around an overstuffed chair in his flight for amnesty, but with his finely honed feline skills, Freddy leapt over the top of the chair to cut him off at the pass. Immediately upon coming over the top of the chair - Freddy sees it - the tail! He leaps and sets into that ### with fangs and all four feet. Ripping, tearing, screaming, blood, hair, and spittle come together like an overrated Dali painting - the prey spinning around the room screaming while Fred continues to rip mercilessly at his quarry. The only thing that stopped the attack was Freddy's exhaustion as he lay wild-eyedand panting, still attached to his victim.

Where Freddy went wrong here, is that he hadn't attacked and killed a puppy tail - he had gotten hold of a pony tail - still rather firmly affixed to the back of my mother-in-laws head! Same color, same length, but oh man, the wrong ###.

There lies Freddy, draped over the top of her head, his foreclaws dug in above her eyebrows, hindclaws dug into her neck/shoulders, and his teeth still in her scalp. A few trickles of blood are appearing down her cheeks and she continues to reel around the room trying to pry Fred from the top of her head. I am completely unable to render assistance as I am positively pissing myself with laughter - you know the kind of laugh where you laugh so hard that no sound comes out? That was me. My wife has to splash a glass of ice tea on the cat to get him to loosen his hold. There the old bat is, covered in sweet tea, cat hair and a little bit of her own blood, her hair completely awry with chunks of it drifting to the floor. She has this faraway look in her eyes that I'm figuring for a mild case of shock coming on, but again I can't stop laughing. Everytime I try to help, I break out in guffaws as I invision her falling around the room screaming like a daffy Davy Crockett wearing my cat like a living, breathing, very irate coonskin cap.

She ended up with several gashes, but all superficial. Of course she now screams about infection and the fact that Fred steps on his own poop with the very same claws that were just embedded in her skull. "We'll buy the cotton balls and peroxide, sweetie".

No sooner has the wife driven off with MIL than I open up a pack of Albacore Tuna for my main man Freddy. He's in deep #### with the wife, but I got his back on this one. That was an ####-kicking of epic proportion

Dude, not stalking your posts. Just read this after posting about the first one.

Submit these stories to magazines or some other online outlet. Both had me in absolute fits, well done!

 

[flapgreen]

The "Gold" post by BGP

 

[flapgreen]

Truck's post about dunking on a guy from the top of the key and making him cry.

I think it was Illmatic who made fun of one of Z-Men's post about poker terms. Awesome. Pretty sure those were taken in The Great Purge.

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

Truck's post about dunking on a guy from the top of the key and making him cry.

"9985" the streetball legend

 

[flapgreen]

That was it.

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

The hoops quote in my sig.

I'm just putting this in a real post on the post-purge board in case you ever change your sig. hint: don't

9985, on May 25 2005, 04:52 PM, said:

2 on 1 break, and the defender faked towards the guy on the left, trying to anticipate a pass. I took off from the top of the key and threw down a pretty sick windmill dunk. People were losing their minds. One of the guys who was on the other team ran off crying, and everyone was so crunk that the game didn\'t even continue. A couple chickenheads in the stands gave me their math.

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

update?you got fired or what?

Nah, still here. He moved out to the west coast (still with the company) at the beginning of the year though. While he was still here I did work ##### into my December presentation though in the form of Seth Dooshevitch, a fictitious professor of biochemistry at the University of Illinois - admittedly kind of lame.

Why do I get the image of you pressing your hand against the window peering out it as rain drops trickle down the glass. Out in the parking lot your friend puts his suitcase in his trunk. This time for good. He looks back, see's you in the window. Your hand presses harder. Your face scrunches up trying to hold back the tears. Now he's soaked from the driving rain but needs to say one more thing. He mouths "boner" but has to look away quickly. The rain can't hide his tears anymore. He gets in his car and screeches off. You look out the window long after he's out of sight. "Boner" you whisper. "Boner".

 

[shuke]

Whole thread of 'em.

 

[msommer]

something from Vivian Darkbloom

I remember the "the colonblow diaries" fondly!

 

[drummer]

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=484003&page=1entry10720891

Typical guppy.

Waaah, waaah, you cry, this game is too hard!

Sorry son, but I don't have to dumb down The Sport just so noobs like you have a chance at keeping up.

I play in a $4,000 entry, Super-WCOFF, triple-reverse, double down, mirror league with a modified PPFDR base 8 scoring system, and we just held our draft in July. For the 2013 season. You think Matt Barkley getting the start in USC is news? I drafted him after studying up on him, after he signed his letter of intent, last year. You think that maybe going with a WR in the first two rounds instead of back-to-back RBs is somehow new thinking in fantasy? Well, do you have the balls to do what I did this year when I didn't take my first RB until the fourth round (Roderick Smith, Harding High School of Indiana)? You've probably never even heard of Martavis Bryant, Kyle Prater, or Darius White, yet not only did I draft them this year to form my future WR core, I've also started referring to them by fantasy board nicknames (Super Mart, KPrater, & DoubleDarius). Hell, guys like you are going to be the poor schmucks who are searching this board five years from now for info on some great RB you just heard of out of the middle of nowhere in Alaska, and the FBG search result box is going to come up with this very post, where I brag about nabbing Isaiah Weeks of the Monroe Catholic Rams at the 25.32/26.01 turn a full two months before he lit up Delta Junction for 193 yards/2 TDs or Ketchikan for 183 rushing yards, 55 rec yards, & 2 TDs. You'll be wondering about his durability and I'll remember a phone call I made back when you were just hearing the name "Knowshon Moreno" for the first time to the kid's doctor in Fairbanks about the sprain he suffered in his left ankle in 2008.

Let me give you a tip, IT = INFO, and there's no "expires by" date on it.



PHILO

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

update?you got fired or what?

Nah, still here. He moved out to the west coast (still with the company) at the beginning of the year though. While he was still here I did work ##### into my December presentation though in the form of Seth Dooshevitch, a fictitious professor of biochemistry at the University of Illinois - admittedly kind of lame.

Why do I get the image of you pressing your hand against the window peering out it as rain drops trickle down the glass. Out in the parking lot your friend puts his suitcase in his trunk. This time for good. He looks back, see's you in the window. Your hand presses harder. Your face scrunches up trying to hold back the tears. Now he's soaked from the driving rain but needs to say one more thing. He mouths "boner" but has to look away quickly. The rain can't hide his tears anymore. He gets in his car and screeches off. You look out the window long after he's out of sight. "Boner" you whisper. "Boner".

An error occurredYou have reached your quota of positive votes for the day

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

something from Vivian Darkbloom

I remember the "the colonblow diaries" fondly!

No. Colon Blow is like the most overrated FBG thing ever. It's like the Princess Bride of threads.

 

[IC FBGCav]

Cavalier, on Jan 23 2009, 09:53 AM, said:

Well you at least got the drink to you get drunk part right. Fox Deluxe? Old Golds? Never heard of them but you sure seem to know a lot about them.And of course I drink to get drunk, if I drank for taste I would drink hot chocolate

. But I know who you are. You are the guy at the bar that sits by himself drinking in front of the triva game machine. You order the no name import that has been sitting in the cooler for over a year and think it is the best thing ever. The whole time at the bar you are pining for someone to speak to you so can tell them how great your no name beer is. You focus on staring at men because you know that there is not one woman in the world desperate enough or able to get drunk enough to even have a coyote ugly moment and end up with you. Then your big moment. A guy walks up to order a beer near you, you start staring him down, your adrenaline in high gear, palms sweating, and that tingle only a man can give you in your pants. Guy notices the psycho eyes you are giving him and can't help but look at psycho loser at the end of the bar by himself. He gives you a nod and here it comes, the BIG MOMENT someone has acknowledged you. You practiced many Saturday nights for this moment. You said it in your head a million times. "What's up man, this Loser Lager microbrew from Germany is the best beer I ever had, you should try one." In your dreams, he orders one, tries it, and you guys live happily ever after.Unforunately, your social skills are poor as you have no friends and in a rush to deliver line it comes out something like. "I am loser from Germany you should try one." Guy gives you the WTF look, walks back to his table of friends and minute later they are all staring at you laughing. All you can say is, bartender check please. Another Saturday night down the drain.

 

[T Bell]

update?you got fired or what?

Nah, still here. He moved out to the west coast (still with the company) at the beginning of the year though. While he was still here I did work ##### into my December presentation though in the form of Seth Dooshevitch, a fictitious professor of biochemistry at the University of Illinois - admittedly kind of lame.

Why do I get the image of you pressing your hand against the window peering out it as rain drops trickle down the glass. Out in the parking lot your friend puts his suitcase in his trunk. This time for good. He looks back, see's you in the window. Your hand presses harder. Your face scrunches up trying to hold back the tears. Now he's soaked from the driving rain but needs to say one more thing. He mouths "boner" but has to look away quickly. The rain can't hide his tears anymore. He gets in his car and screeches off. You look out the window long after he's out of sight. "Boner" you whisper. "Boner".

I was trying to remember enough about that one to suggest it.

EDIT- In rereading the actual thread I also love 3 of the first 4 responses (including Tanner) were negative.

 

[Good Posting Judge]

The hoops quote in my sig.

I'm just putting this in a real post on the post-purge board in case you ever change your sig. hint: don't

9985, on May 25 2005, 04:52 PM, said:

2 on 1 break, and the defender faked towards the guy on the left, trying to anticipate a pass. I took off from the top of the key and threw down a pretty sick windmill dunk. People were losing their minds. One of the guys who was on the other team ran off crying, and everyone was so crunk that the game didn\'t even continue. A couple chickenheads in the stands gave me their math.

That was back when "crunk" was a thing.

 

[bostonfred]

Whole thread of 'em.

I posted them in that thread too but these two still get me every time.

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index...;#entry11587616

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index...&p=10018996

 

[flapgreen]

The hoops quote in my sig.

I'm just putting this in a real post on the post-purge board in case you ever change your sig. hint: don't

9985, on May 25 2005, 04:52 PM, said:

2 on 1 break, and the defender faked towards the guy on the left, trying to anticipate a pass. I took off from the top of the key and threw down a pretty sick windmill dunk. People were losing their minds. One of the guys who was on the other team ran off crying, and everyone was so crunk that the game didn\'t even continue. A couple chickenheads in the stands gave me their math.

 

[otello]

These just keep on giving. So who is going to put these all in a poll for the GOAT?

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

update?you got fired or what?

Nah, still here. He moved out to the west coast (still with the company) at the beginning of the year though. While he was still here I did work ##### into my December presentation though in the form of Seth Dooshevitch, a fictitious professor of biochemistry at the University of Illinois - admittedly kind of lame.

Why do I get the image of you pressing your hand against the window peering out it as rain drops trickle down the glass. Out in the parking lot your friend puts his suitcase in his trunk. This time for good. He looks back, see's you in the window. Your hand presses harder. Your face scrunches up trying to hold back the tears. Now he's soaked from the driving rain but needs to say one more thing. He mouths "boner" but has to look away quickly. The rain can't hide his tears anymore. He gets in his car and screeches off. You look out the window long after he's out of sight. "Boner" you whisper. "Boner".

I was trying to remember enough about that one to suggest it.

EDIT- In rereading the actual thread I also love 3 of the first 4 responses (including Tanner) were negative.

Since you brought it up, lets get this on the table. I think that since we had a board upgrade a year or so ago, that all of the pre-upgrade smilies are borked. (like, what was a at the time is now a , , , etc ) Has anyone else noticed this? I was going to start a thread on it at some point.

 

[shuke]

something from Vivian Darkbloom

I remember the "the colonblow diaries" fondly!

No. Colon Blow is like the most overrated FBG thing ever. It's like the Princess Bride of threads.

 

[AcerFC]

These just keep on giving. So who is going to put these all in a poll for the GOAT?

it wasn't my initial plan but I will. Maybe after the new year. Lets see if people can dig deep over next week or so

 

[Sarnoff]

Since you brought it up, lets get this on the table. I think that since we had a board upgrade a year or so ago, that all of the pre-upgrade smilies are borked.

This is correct, I believe it was brought up in the Upgrade Problems thread.

 

[sports_fan]

This is one of my favorites of 2013: http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=695349&page=1

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

You want to mess with me and my crew? i swear to god ill give you my address and you can come over and see what happens...my homies and i will take care of it.

Harrison Stevens

100 Mary #11

San Antonio, TX, 78230

 

[krista4]

I think people have covered most of the funniest stuff, but if I had to choose just one, I'd choose the one that I always seem to read when it's dusty in here.

I was really, really bad at college, it appears

BDA, so was I. There is some shame for me upcoming. I stumbled accross this. If you notice, none of this was me. I am not the aggressor here, I metaphorically and a bit literally was just along for the ride.

I wasn't particulary suave, and I reiterate I was no player. I had no game. I was friends with a lot of young ladies, but very very few showed any romantic interest in me. My only guess is that my connection with cheerleading, which up the that time had been the Scarlett letter of shame, somehow piqued her interest.

"Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then"....so to speak.

For a guy claiming to have no game, you sure come across as a guy who knew how to play when the ball was tipped.

Hot Cheerleader - Check
Sexy Time - Check
Dressing up in cheerleader outfit, sans panties, and engaging in sexy time - Check
Giving Hot Cheerleader an O-Face minutes before game time in a Toyota Tercel - Check
Avoiding a serious relationship - Check
Dating other sorority girls - Check

Sounds like you should be coaching the kids of today!

The bolded were not true. I was in a serious relationship with Pochahontas, I was just the b####. She dictated everything.

I was solely an escort to those sorority girls. Only once did it ever bubble up into romance, and it was very brief.

There is a lot I could teach the kids of today, but more about respect than game.

However, once I was handed the ball and saw the opening I ran to daylight. Not because I knew what I was doing, I just loved the sunshine on my face.

RIP, Ralph. Two years ago in about a week. In looking this up, I just realized his avatar when he died was a tribute to shining path. :(

 

[Otis]

During the holiday season we see countdowns to the best of (sports plays, music, twilight zone episodes), so I figured, why not list our favorite posts from this place. Can be Shark Pool, FFA, Test Forum, Looking for leagues and of course the FBG Players Championship forums.



My personal favorite is this gem, from this thread (Ozy says Goodbye)

You know who else was "banned" for three days? Jesus. And he didn't respond with some whiny crybaby post, he smashed through a gigantic boulder and then flew up to Heaven.

Dust your dress off and go play dolls with your sisters, Samantha.

That was a classic.

We already did this, by the way.

I loved the one in the Wheelhouse topics thread in which Wheelhouse stopped in and was all pissed off, and I think it was Norwood quoted his post and responded "Do you like shelves?"

It doesn't work so well out of context, but in context it was so, so killer.

 

[Christo]

 

[krista4]

The Tides of War meltdown in one of the TimDrafts was awesome. Can't find it right now on my phone though.

It extends over many, many pages and included several different meltdowns so was hard to piece together, but here are some of the highlights from his most amusing one,when his album pick was ranked too low for his liking in preliminary rankings:

These Ratings are absurd, abysymal, and a complete joke

This guy just rated the Beach Boys over the Beatles

What a joke!!!

SGT Peppers in Tier 4?? Atre you an absolute idiot????

I say the judging should be stopped now, due to an obvious lack of competence, fairness, and old fashioned common sense

Hey there, angry dude.I didn't pick the Beach Boys over the Beatles. I picked the record Pet Sounds over every Beatles record but Revolver. I put Revolver in the same tier.

And, as I mentioned before, these are not set in stone and I can be swayed by a well-reasoned argument.

Sentences ending with more than one question mark will be automatically excluded from your argument.

But thank you for your interest!

If they should be there, why is that 'Unfair" You make no sense with that comment, and show ignorance and biasWhat a #######

[sure - the guy put something named Radiohead in the same tier with SGT Peppersthe SGT was below ACDC Back in blackhe is not fit to judge, he obviously has an agenda, a pre-conceived order, and has no intellectual flexibilityAbsurd that this exercise has ended in the hands of fools, which claim I believe is justified by the action of the "Judges"

The next day, he begins to crescendo:

I guess name-calling is only allowed for a certain few?I came in after a day of golf in blistering heat, and the hard drinking that followed, as one of my buddies nailed a hole-in-one.

I was pleased to see the album ramkings, but enraged at what I saw. It brought out my bi-polarity, and I must say I never thought I could get that worked up over ANY Beatles work.

Not a fan of the Fab 4, you see, but common sense and research told me that SPLHCB might be the # 1 overall album.

Now if you will excuse, it is time for the weekly intervention - hope its DR Phils week, cause he brings some tasty fried chicken

As noted, I made the selection because I have the sense to realize that my eclectic tastes does not make me right, and the majority of the music business, and the world, wrong.This draft was not a "Pick your Favorite", after all. Maybe that concept has eluded you.

I referenced much more than just RS, as well. Sounds like you have something personal with them, perhaps.

The path of wisdom includes the ability to realize that things are not always the way you wish them, see them, or want them.

You just seem to be ranking according to your personal likes and dislikes, and I think that it is wrong.

Just seems to be a chance to rail at the "establishment" - maybe a continium of the punk rocker days.

I have only had a problem with one judge, I think the others have done well in their initial listings.The one judge acts as if we should have drafted for his personal likes, and is not open or receptive to other inputs. He acts as if God has decreed him "Supreme Musical Authority." Had I known this during the draft, I would have just said the hell with the albums, and used the last 3 picks for some Mark Knopfler and The Replacements.

Naaaaah, you could never be way off base, Supreme Musical Man that you are

How bout your opinon of my Miles Davis Album?I know it could never be a Tier One Import, since you already have MD in there with Kind of Blue - your communistic judging style dictates so.What the Hell is "shizzle"??? Code for incompetence, bias, or something else?And you are judging short stories as well??? As Charlie Brown used to say, "ARGHHHH"

And then...what you would think is his crowning achievement in quotable posts (were it not for what happens later), which due to quote limits I will now put in my immediately succeeding post.

 

[T Bell]

Back in the days when MoP was trying to be on staff (and here was defending Wheelhouse from the Fictitious Wheelhouse Thread Titles thread):

1. Name 5 things that are closest to your elbow.

2. When was the last time you sneezed?

3. Have you ever wanted to fly?

4. Whats your favorite toping on a saltine?

5. Is your front door made of wood?

5. What time is it . . . . right . . . now? How about . . . .now!

These are quite funny FF, but I guess I am in the dark. I don't open threads with titles that seem not all that interesting. I know Wheelhouse has some really kickin threads over in the Shark Pool and I have seen him do very well in several redraft leagues I have been a part of with him.

But I also have seen these types of threads here...and yes when I lurk over in the cage to also view my own tribute threads...what does this solve? Are you buds with Wheel anyways or are you actually trying to shame the guy? I think he's a pretty nice guy in general and even those these thread topics are pretty GD funny I think if he wants to post them then he should.

Maybe he feels the same away about all the stupid poilitcs, should we be at war, is this chick hot, do you post sitting nekkid, maybe he just doesn't like those threads. It is the FFA, no? Are there rules about topics you can post? You can't make fun of dead people, can't post nekkid women, can't call people names, probably can't call people out...I tried to get a response from Peyton Marino and not only did he dodge the question but the mods took down my thread.

So what is the problem exactly?

How is him doing well in redraft fantasy football leagues relevant to anything? At what point are you going to decide to start making sense?

My way of saying he's good people.

AND AND AND this is a GD Football site. I know you and many others feel it's the tree house free for all 1st but it isn't. There is nothing but football that is produced on a football site. It is Footballguys, right? You all are lucky Joe even gives you this little pool to come into everyday and prop yourselves up.

What's the point, you all don't care anyways. SN, I've seen you produce some good threads over in the Sharkpool, but a lot of the people in this forum are here simply to poke fun at as many as they can without getting kicked out day in and day out.

It got so bad that Scotty had to go start a new forum for all the degenerates that can't keep a level head over here. I know Wheel, I like the guy, and I don't like to see him ganged up on. If it's all in fun, great, but most of the posts are not in fun, they are meant to shame him and I think that's sad.

And I don't care if the shift comes down on me, it matters little. There is a small group of people on this board that no matter what one writes, conveys, spells out, simply will never get them to agree with anything so its pointless.

Stanadard MOP put downs: "When do you ever make sense"..."Worst post ever"...seriously I don't need to get over myself, the renegade cage clique that bullys anyone in here that doesn't agree with their frathouse logic needs to get over themselves. I don't think the thread was started in good fun since Wheel has been badmouthed on other forums. It bothers some of you when you get called on it, and just like a little kid with his hand in the cookie jar you start to whine and cry and kick and scream to lash back.

 

[krista4]

Get ready for it:

There should've been a category for best shtick

I am competitive, determined, and doggedly so

I have been dunked on by some of the best ever, and was back down scoring on them in 4 or 5 seconds. You Pout, or you play.

I am driven, and love the fact that Basketball and Football are decided on the field, not like gymnastics or diving, which depends on the fairness and equity of judges.

When we lost, I lost, and I have a bitter taste, and more motivation to improve and win the next time.

I spent inumerable hours alone, shooting, dribbling, lifting, trying to get better. I hate to lose.


If striving for excellence, in any undertaking, and despising seeing some try to subvert the effort is "schtick" then I am guilty

Then trying to insult the people who posted thereafter--wait, not the people, but the people whose names or avatars they had taken for the board...

Double Nickels > Sgt Peppersdeal with it

Your opinion is wide rightDeal with it - if you wish to jump in the debate, at least bring something of value

There should've been a category for best shtick

I am competitive, determined, and doggedly so

I have been dunked on by some of the best ever, and was back down scoring on them in 4 or 5 seconds. You Pout, or you play.

I am driven, and love the fact that Basketball and Football are decided on the field, not like gymnastics or diving, which depends on the fairness and equity of judges.

When we lost, I lost, and I have a bitter taste, and more motivation to improve and win the next time.

I spent inumerable hours alone, shooting, dribbling, lifting, trying to get better. I hate to lose.


If striving for excellence, in any undertaking, and despising seeing some try to subvert the effort is "schtick" then I am guilty

oh pulls out new schtick for this post. Bravo.

I am sorry that I was probably better than Fennis Dembo, who was a very good player.

He was coached by a friend of mine, Benny Dees

Better at what?

Lets just say I played longer, and probably with more profit.

A lot of it deals with getting into the right situation. Lot of luck, for all but the best.

 

[T Bell]

my cousin goes to school with the ######## in my AV.

here are some more pics:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/10783612@N05/2143254725/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/10783612@N05/2143254719/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/10783612@N05/2143254719/

so we messaged him:

and here is the AIM:

***: ayyyyyyyyy
***: broski
@@@@: who is dis***: ayyyyy its ya bro from the jim
***: because when we walk into a club we want to take it over, its like a business and we are donald trump, bill gates, and steve wynn of the fitness/club nightlife world and we just take over. i bust a front double bicep as soon as i get in, then after 2 redbull and vodkas i rip my shirt off and usually just sport a tank because "i have a buzz" which i really dont but its an excuse to take my shirt off and if anyone asks "im hot from the alcohol" then i hit up the bathroom and look for the handicap stall to get a good pump with the dip bars for the gimps, and we just do our thing you know, all ripped shredded making everyone else feel like ####, were tanner, were more shredded, and we make it rain with the cash flow, goose bottles left and right bro.
***: you know what bro
***: if u rnt gonna tell me your bronzing secrets
***: im going to have to do this
@@@@signed off at 11:08:19 PM.


after further attempts all i get is:

who is dis
who is dis

and finally:

listen to me u #### #### ##### sucker dun #### put any more shyt with me I #### swear imma cone to find u n ill make sure itll stop dun #### make me come
dea how wud u #### like if I made fun u wea gay n ur guna #### die of aids shyt beta #### stop n next time dun be a #### like ur bein say it to ms face jerkoff u look like da biggest ####




that is all i got.

i have a guido after me.......

Forgot about this one.

 

[bostonfred]

--- cosjobs ----

So I go online today to pay my credit card bills and my Mastercard is really high and I had not used it much lately. but let me go back a little ways, first. Last weekend, I had to miss my GBGM's wedding. I just had too much going on to take off 3-4 days to go to Detroit. Thursday night his soon-to-be BIL was throwing a bachelor party / poker game in his honor and I decided it would be good schtick to have some strippers deliver an ice cream cake to the event and dance to some Neil Young songs. So after calling around the greater Detroit area, I finally found a stripp-o-gram operation that promised to pick up an ice cream cake, take it to the poker game, and serve it to the guests while singing Heart of Gold and Southern Man in the nude. The only catch was that I had to find and pay for an ice cream cake. I tell them to give me an hour and I'll call them back. Eva's ice Cream in Lake Orion seemed like the best choice after some Google searching, so I call them up. but they sell ice cream. And they sell cakes. but they do not sell ice cream cakes. I spend 15 minutes with the owner trying to get her to concoct the unimaginable recipe of smearing a couple of quarts of ice cream on top of one cake and then putting another cake on top of that. I offered her $100 to perform this complicated task and I think I just about had her talked into it, until I told her it needed to be done ASAP before the strippers showed up. She hung up on me and no one there would answer the phone when I repeatedly tried to call back. I tried a few other places with no luck, but finally the Lake Orion DQ told me that they had ice cream cakes ready to go, but they closed in 15 minutes. He even agreed to a credit card payment - if I threw in an extra twenty bucks for the trouble. I called back the strippers, but they said there was no way they could get to Lake Orion before the DQ closed. So I told them to blow it off. That without an ice cream cake it would just be inferior schtick. Evidently the strippers had caller ID, because they called me back twenty minutes later and told me the Kroger sold Ice cream cakes. So I call the Lake Orion Kroger to see if I could charge one of their delicious cakes on my Mastercard for my hired performers ( I had learned that the sensibilities of Western Detroit merchants were offended when it came to holding cakes for strippers). My new-found decorum was lost on the Kroger manager, as he would not let me pay for a cake over the phone no matter who was picking it up. So I called back the strippers and told them it was still a no go because the Kroger wouldn't take a credit card over the phone. So they told me that if I would pay them $375 ($100 over the previously negotiated price) that they would pay for the cake themselves. Ok I said, relenting to their unrealistic demands due to my BAC and determination to see this task through. But that wasn't enough. Evidently the Detroit-based strippers were too inept to get to Lake Orion, unless I was willing to stay on the cell phone while they navigated to the privileged western regions of the county while read turn-by turn directions from Google maps. To help pass the time while they drove, I worked with them on the lyrics to Heart of Gold and Southern Man. Turns out they really did not know either song and were doing a woeful job of memorizing the words while I played an MP3 in the background during our phone conversation. My patience is running thin because they only remember half of the chorus to Southern Man and hardly any of Heart of GOld. But they finally make it to the Lake Orion Kroger. Once there they cannot find any ice cream cakes. They find ice cream and they find cakes. But no ice cream cakes. I figured if na Ice Cream shop owner (like Eva from Eva's ice Cream) in Michigan cannot figure out how to transform two cakes and half a gallon ice cream into a delicious ice cream cake - there's no way it worth even attempting to do it over a cell phone with two strippers from Detroit. At this point I've spent over three hours trying to get this done and I am ready to give up. I told them it had to be ice cream cake or the deal was off. They insisted that cake and ice cream was a suitable substitute and I was still obligated to go thru with the deal. Sorry, strippers, but that was not the agreement. Several minutes and hundreds of profanities later I turned off my cell and ended the once- flourishing relationship. About that time Charvik calls me on my home phone. I had left him a message several hours earlier to try and help me coordinate the stripper and ice cream cake fiasco. I briefly attempted to enlist his support in obtaining an ice cream cake, but I don't know if you have ever tried communicating with a drunken Norwegian who is barely understandable when sober, but its not pretty. Or productive. He finally hands off the phone to Forrest. I still ahve glimmers of hope that I may somehow pull this off as a surprise, so I have to chat with Forrest and pretend that I am just calling to wish him luck yada yada yada. I finally get his drunk ### off the phone and he gives the receiver to JTC, who is also in town for the festivities. His complete drunkenness makes him even more indecipherable than the drunken Norwegian who first called me. By this time its almost midnight and I decide to give up. I had given it my best shot and failed. Now I see the strippers charged me $375 with a $500 tip for their troubles. That seems excessive since they never delivered cake, took off their clothes or learned any of the Neil young lyrics. I think I may file a dispute over the charges.

 

[bostonfred]

--- Homer J Simpson ---

Ok, so it was a slow night, just a few people at the bar. I'm chatting with this 28 year old chubby chick (who actually isn't terribly unattractive) and her 75 year old boyfriend...seriously, not a friggin DAY under 75. And just to be clear, this is not a spry and energetic 75, I'm talking one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel 75. I assumed figuring out this situation would be the strangest part of my night, but I was incorrect.

As I'm hanging out behind the bar I hear ChubDigger talking on the phone telling someone how to get to the bar. I inquire and she tells me it's some guy she met last week who's coming up with his cousin--Grampa was currently on bathroom break #15. So I tell her she better hope the cousin is a smokin' hottie or else I was going to be closing the bar down early. Well I wasn't too far off...not quite a smokin' hottie, but young and definitely worth some effort. I decide to keep the bar open.

Well, as ChubDigger and Hilljack are busy flirting right in front of Grampa, I start chatting up the cousin. She tells me she just moved to Youngstown a few days earlier from Oklahoma City. No real reason, mind you...she just decided to move. No job, no apartment, and no real prospects. Until she tells me her name is Destiney (complete with the proper spelling of said moniker) and my immediate thought was "Well sh##, I know 5 or 6 places that'll hire you tomorrow. They've already got a name tag ready for you." So at this point I'm thinking this is gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. There's no way I'm not gonna nail this broad 5 times before sunrise, and there's no way she's not gonna try to steal my wallet.

But then she mentions that she has three kids, and suddenly my minimal bartending duties seem to take up an inordinate amount of time. I'm just smelling trouble all over this girl. Plus the accent was getting annoying, then I notice her teeth, which could only be described as Oklahoma-flavored. I've decided to play it safe...wasn't really drunk enough to jump down the rabbit hole that this night could turn into.

Well it gets on toward closing time, Chubdigger and Hilljack are blatantly discussing the logistics of hooking up later...right in front of poor Grampa. No matter, you could set a bomb off right next to his head and he wouldn't hear it. Anyway, I've unwittingly become part of the plan as Destiney volunteers to make things easier by having me take her back to HillJack's house (where she's currently residing). She informs me of the plan with a wink and a smile. I had already firmly decided to bail, but that decision looked rather hasty at this point. I'm not made of stone, dammit!!!

OK, the best part of this misadventure was all the wonderful things I learned about the Young Destiney on our ride over to her place. But I'm gonna skip to the sexytime for now. We get back to the house but can't get in because Hilljack had the key. So we're sitting on the porch (which is well-hidden, which would come in handy very soon) just chatting and finding out more mind-boggling tidbits about our Jerry Springer All-Star, Oklahoma Conference. And in an effort to shut her up before I simply run away screaming into the night, we start making out. Things get into heavy touching-and-rubbing territory but stop abruptly when I begin to visit Candyland. Now, a normal girl would just say that it's bad timing and assume that I know exactly what she's talking about. Trailer park girls are a little more blunt, apparently. The phrase "raggin' it" made an appearance. And honestly, thank God for that. The night really wouldn't have been quite as special without it.

But the great thing about our Young Destiney is that in the split second between her uttering that phrase and the inevitable loss of my physical arousal, she had dropped down to have a conversation with Li'l Homer. There was no time to even register the rollercoaster ride of emotions and physical reactions that the last ten seconds had delivered. So I just went with it. And she performed admirably.

So back to all the wonderful things I got to hear on the ride over and during our brief porch conversation. I'm just gonna make a list, because there really is no narrative way I can deliver all this insanity/information/bullsh##/hilarity.

As mentioned, she moved here from OKC pretty much on a whim.

She had told her cousin she was just visiting for a couple of weeks. She still has to convince him to let her live with him.

She's 23 and has three children that are staying with the dad's grandmother.

This is because she was a drug addict. Which she only did to get back at the kids' dad because he was a drug addict. This made perfect sense to her.

She "don't do drugs no more" because she's a Christian now.

She "does music". Not "she sings" or "she's a musician"...as she emphatically stated, "I do music".

She and someone else she "does music" with had the number one download on iTunes last year. I'm not sure she knows what most of those words mean.

She's the youngest of five children, all with different fathers.

She sold drugs in large quantities for a Mexican drug ring. She was apparently very good at it and was quite proud of this fact. At that point I suggested she look into some sort of sales career.

She doesn't have a cell phone. And it has nothing to do with being a broke unemployed single mother with a criminal record, but because she doesn't trust them. It has something to do with identity theft, I don't know, I'm surprised I was still conscious at this point.

There's more, and I'm sure it will come to me...in flashbacks...like a Vietnam vet.

And yes, after all that information was laid out on the table, I still hooked up with her. My penis is an entity with more power and strength and sheer will than...I really can't even think of a proper comparison. She was 23, small, thin, good backside, pretty face...there was no way he was going to let that pass. She could have told me that she was going to turn into a werewolf in about 3 minutes, and my wang would have just said, "F##k it, I only need 2!"

So if you look at it that way, I really had no choice in the matter

 

[krista4]

Last one I'll post, but later he had his "Harrison Stevens moment". (I include Norwood's response just for its amusement factor.)

Seriously ... on what planet do The Police suck? :( That's gotta be a personal-taste call, not an objective reality. Sometimes the masses get it right.

Not according to Kukla, Fran, and Ollie Know-All - Know-Nothing

Interesting how he has to relate everything to his pedestrian attempts as a musician, and to the garbage known as "Jesus Lizard"

It is obvious his failed musical attempts have soured him on many outstanding offerings because they also bear the burden of popularity.

Have you just realized this whole Category has been about "Personal Taste", sprinkled with "The Humantic"s stories of what greasy, screaming, smelly, under-appreciated punk genius he drank rotgut vodka with?

My attempts at musicianship may have been pedestrian, but at least I was willing to participate in rock n' roll, rather than to passively sit there, consume, then glibly judge what I have consumed.

And if I relate my judgement to my role as particpant it is only because, well, I wouldn't know how to do it otherwise. You learn a few things about music when you spend a decade or so of your life attempting to create it, execute it, and disseminate the creations of others. Way it goes, I guess. I just fail to see how a life spent rocking would somehow make me less qualified to have an opinion.

And, no, Gizmo, my musical career wasn't a failure, as I achieved exactly what I wanted to achieve--I made some good music (despite myself), I made some incredible friends, I saw the country and the world. I drank gallons of free booze, heard hundreds of dirty jokes, and saw some of the most incredible performances in rock's recent history. I am not sour or bitter at all. I am quite content in both my taste and my, ahem, "career".

What you want out of this draft is to have the judges confirm to you that your opinions--and, by extention yourself--are good and true and correct. In short, you want us to stand in for your parents and tell you that you are a Good Boy. When this doesn't happen you pout and whine and throw little fits and ad hominems around like a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum.

If it makes you feel better, little Gizmo, and shuts you up for a little while, I'll do it.

You are Good Boy, Tides of War. A very, very good boy.

I would wager all I own that you would never dare to be so condescinding and foolish in my presence.

Where do you live,because if it is Chiacgo, I am playing in a Charity Golf event there next month, and I would love for you discuss these rankings in person, and call me a "Good Boy"

PM me and I will give you a phone number to reach me

Wow. OH is so up in your kitchen right now

 

[Uruk-Hai]

Where do you live,because if it is Chiacgo, I am playing in a Charity Golf event there next month, and I would love for you discuss these rankings in person, and call me a "Good Boy"

I am in tears laughing at all of this, but the quote above especially.

 

[Insein]

Spoiler

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=484003&page=1entry10720891

Typical guppy.

Waaah, waaah, you cry, this game is too hard!

Sorry son, but I don't have to dumb down The Sport just so noobs like you have a chance at keeping up.

I play in a $4,000 entry, Super-WCOFF, triple-reverse, double down, mirror league with a modified PPFDR base 8 scoring system, and we just held our draft in July. For the 2013 season. You think Matt Barkley getting the start in USC is news? I drafted him after studying up on him, after he signed his letter of intent, last year. You think that maybe going with a WR in the first two rounds instead of back-to-back RBs is somehow new thinking in fantasy? Well, do you have the balls to do what I did this year when I didn't take my first RB until the fourth round (Roderick Smith, Harding High School of Indiana)? You've probably never even heard of Martavis Bryant, Kyle Prater, or Darius White, yet not only did I draft them this year to form my future WR core, I've also started referring to them by fantasy board nicknames (Super Mart, KPrater, & DoubleDarius). Hell, guys like you are going to be the poor schmucks who are searching this board five years from now for info on some great RB you just heard of out of the middle of nowhere in Alaska, and the FBG search result box is going to come up with this very post, where I brag about nabbing Isaiah Weeks of the Monroe Catholic Rams at the 25.32/26.01 turn a full two months before he lit up Delta Junction for 193 yards/2 TDs or Ketchikan for 183 rushing yards, 55 rec yards, & 2 TDs. You'll be wondering about his durability and I'll remember a phone call I made back when you were just hearing the name "Knowshon Moreno" for the first time to the kid's doctor in Fairbanks about the sprain he suffered in his left ankle in 2008.

Let me give you a tip, IT = INFO, and there's no "expires by" date on it.



PHILO

Wanted to add the follow up post years later that was just as money.

Bump

Good bump. By the way, our league has an unscheduled opening this year. One of the owners failed the drug test. If anyone wants in, send me a PM. Solid team, good dynasty prospects. Draft roster is locked in for the 2010 thru 2013 seasons (still can trade and make waiver moves of course), but, the 2014 draft is coming up next week, if anyone has been reading the HS draft reports on Rivals and has the $4000 to spend, I can look into placing you in our league.

Did you fill the spot yet, I may be interested. I hope this isnt a joke ...

No joke. But we follow the NFL's substance abuse policy. That's what got the guy kicked out, he failed the test. Are you sure you can pass?If you're serious, PM me and I'll tell you where to mail your urine sample.

This has to be a fishing trip.

No fishing. It's a serious, big money league. We don't screw around, it's all very official and on the up-and-up. I've talked about it on these boards before. For example, it's a $4000-entry double-dynasty modified WCOFF league, where we draft out prospects up to 5 years in advance, so we actually carry 265-man rosters. You need that much room for developmental talent. But it's a 32-owner mirror league, so there are two Peyton Mannings, Matt Barkleys, Isaiah Weeks, Kyle Praters, etc. We also are very strict about owner participation, so some guy leaving a bye-week player active would face serious fines and penalties. We also pre-screen and interview prospective owners before they join, and for obvious reasons we do credit checks and bi-annual fiscal reviews to make sure they can handle the league. All the money is held in escrow before the draft for the upcoming 5-year window, which is nice because we locked up this year's prize money at 2005's interest rates, so there's a little extra we use to fund the draft week events (food, beer, gophers, assistants, etc.). We keep it realistic that we don't allow performance-enhancing drugs, either.Each year we're personally handed the rule book via bonded courier for the season 6 years to come, and we have to sign for it in presence of a notary public. It's a nicely done volume, about 600 pages, bound in official Wilson football-leather, with gold gilding on the paper. It's a beautiful piece of art that I'm proud to display on the fireplace mantle. Until that rulebook's season's over, then each of the copies has to be returned to the attorney we keep on retainer year-round who acts as our rules executive commissioner, he destroys all the copies on a webcam broadcast so that all the owners can see it and verify. The Rules Sub-Committee is currently working on the 2019 Rules our secured FTP site. It's almost done, too, the galleys are due to be sent to the printer's by May.

 

[Raider Nation]

So I was in Africa about ten years ago and as you can imagine, pretty much anything goes there. Gas stations consisted of benzine in a glass bottle, kids would fight like jackals over a snickers you just gave them and I have actually seen a chick fill a pot hole in town with a healthy poop in the middle of the day. I was there with the Air Force and there are a lot of rules governing behavior, dealing with the population and things that could hurt the credibility of the mission.

So we were in Northern Cameroon near the Tchad, Nigeria and Central African Republic borders, the outer edges of the Sahara. We were staying in a pretty decent hotel for the mission which was to deliver and administer various medical treatments to villages all over this wasteland. Pretty cool, people walked 50 miles to come get a tooth pulled! So General Order #1 was absolutely, under no circumstances...were we to have the secks with any local chicks. Reason? Estimated Aids rates in the local area were 30% to 60%!!! Problem was when we'd get back to the hotel each night there were 15-20 scantily dressed African women, fully browned and delicious.

Anyway, they were all hookers. So they had to remove them every night after complaints from the command staff but they kept coming back. So I wasn't going to let a good opportunity pass me by so I asked one of the girls what their rates were. I was referred to a man in a felt hat (Even if it wasn't felt I wanted it to be, so it was) who tried to tell me it was $100 for an hour. I said nothing turned and walked away. So the guy chased me down and almost tackled me. He said $50? I said $10? He said $40? I said $10. He said no, I left. So I told this story to some weird guy we were out there with (he was an inoculation specialist or something) and he said he had never had a black woman. I told them he would be taking a big chance even with latex and he said he had other ideas.

So the next day I went back to the Felt Hat and began what was to be an hour of intense negotiations. I said I would not pay $40 for one, but would pay $40 for three. His starting point for three was $150 which I told him made no sense if he was giving me one for $40. When we finally settled on a price we had to start all over again because he wanted to pick the girls, some cost more than others apparently which I thought he was making up on the spot (Nigerian guy). So finally we settled on three girls of my choice for $65. Now the guy that wanted one had already given me $40 plus a $20 "finders fee" which allowed me two girls for $5. But I wasn't crazy enough to do anything with chicks that might have Aids-ridden ######s, so I took all three girls to the hotel manager's office where we had access to a cot and the twot.

Went to get the guy and brought him down to see the girls but did not tell him there were three. When he got there he said, "so which one do I get?" I said, "all three, two on me buddy." I told him I needed to see all the girls naked to make sure they met his high standards first so I had all three strip down and then felt sick I wasn't able to do anything. He assured me all he was getting was a handy and whatever else, but no penetration (I didn't care, I did it for the comedy and the borderline criminal aspects). Left the guy and the girls, went about my business and then to my room (we were staying three to a room IIRC). About two hours later I heard a knock on the door next door and heard, "sir, we have a problem!" The vice commander was next door, he went with the MP to investigate. Apparently the guy I got the girls for not only had intercourse with them but also left his DNA in one of the girls on purpose, which the girl didn't agree to nor particularly care for.

So a huge fight broke out and the girls took the guy's cloths and locked him in the office. The MPs heard the ruckus and responded and when they got there they saw a naked Airman on top of the guy with the felt hat, rolling around on the floor with a couple of homeless dogs. The girls were screaming, a crowd formed and some bystanders (possibly gangsters) had even brandished a weapon. MPs broke it up and they did interviews and all of that. I was ####ed, no way this dude was going to leave me out of this I thought...I was gonna be sent home in disgrace for arranging a prostitution ring. So that night, nothing.

Next day, nothing. No one came to talk to me. A few days later I finally saw the guy and he just smiled, nothing was said. They sent him home that day but he allegedly told the MPs a story of deceit and betrayal, a heinous crime was committed against him. He said that the guy in the felt hat wanted his seed and the three girls were the man's daughters. At knife point he was to impregnate all three, or die. Stranger things have happened in Africa... Not sure if he ever got the Aids.

:dropsmicwalksoffstage:

 

[Bill Brasky]

Real Sharks know when to make adjustments. Take myself for example, who benched Brady in favor of Warner, sat Moss and started Jennings, spot started Stecker over FWP, rolled the dice with Scheffler. These are the adjustments the sharks make to rocket themselves into the Stratosphere of the Great White. We do not rely solely on projections. We rely on an inherent clairvoyance. A little voice that says "Get-Greg-Camarillo-active". So sit back and whine over Joe's projections. Meanwhile I'm uncorking a bottle of DP coasting to another Championship in my big money league.

-The Goat

 

[AcerFC]

I have not read a bunch of these and they are awesome.

 

[AcerFC]

Fred, where are these posts coming from. Want to read follow ups

 

[shuke]

During the holiday season we see countdowns to the best of (sports plays, music, twilight zone episodes), so I figured, why not list our favorite posts from this place. Can be Shark Pool, FFA, Test Forum, Looking for leagues and of course the FBG Players Championship forums.



My personal favorite is this gem, from this thread (Ozy says Goodbye)

You know who else was "banned" for three days? Jesus. And he didn't respond with some whiny crybaby post, he smashed through a gigantic boulder and then flew up to Heaven.

Dust your dress off and go play dolls with your sisters, Samantha.

That was a classic.

We already did this, by the way.

I loved the one in the Wheelhouse topics thread in which Wheelhouse stopped in and was all pissed off, and I think it was Norwood quoted his post and responded "Do you like shelves?"

It doesn't work so well out of context, but in context it was so, so killer.

You're thinking of the scallops question. The shelves question was not directed at Wheelhouse.

 

[shuke]

I don't have the patience to read these ####ing novels that are being posted.