I'm not surprised that Phil is pushing to wage war against Tony but one of his crew makes sexually laden comments to another boss' daughter and he doesn't expect consequences to come from that? You'd have to be pretty ignorant to not expect Tony to react strongly to that. Or you simply are looking for a fight and you're pushing Tony's buttons more and more until a fight becomes inevitable.
Phil is reckless and emotional. He always has been.Still - Tony overstepped. He himself admitted that he lost control. It is true, however, that what Tony did to Coco is no different than what Phil did to Vito. Except that Coco survived and Vito did not.
I think it's quite a bit different actually. With Vito, it was Phil's "ego" that was damaged. He didn't like having a homosexual connected to his family and wanted it dealt with. With Coco, that was a direct assault on Tony's family, a major form of disrespect. I mean, c'mon how stupid must Coco be to think he could make lude comments to a boss' daughter without there being some serious consequences? And Phil has to be aware of that and let it ride - unless he's aiming for a fight which I believe he is. I actually think Coco got off easy all things considered.