The 3 Worst Hits of 1990, according to the ears of yours truly:
Heart - All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You
The song itself is terrible on its own, but made a million times worse by associating an all-time great band like Heart with its awfulness. Written by Mutt Lange for Don Henley but then kind-of forced on the Wilson sisters by their record company, the lyrics are so bad that it's hard to chose the worst line:
a) So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
b) He brought out the woman in me, so many times - easily
c) I am the flower, you are the seed, we walked through the garden, we planted a tree
Seriously, Mutt Lange decides that the best way to deal with a husband's infertility is to repeatedly try to get knocked up by various hitchhikers? Ann is on record as hating it too:
Actually we had sworn off it because it kind of stood for everything we wanted to get away from... I don't know you so let's get in the car and exchange fluids and now, get out. I mean, that's hideous.
Unfortunately,
All I Wanna Do was Heart's last Top 10 hit and became the bands biggest selling single ever.
Nelson - (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection
In stark contrast to Heart, Nelson sucks. I think everyone except pop radio and maybe tween girls obsessed with their long blond hair knew they sucked. From Stereogum:
You couldn’t manufacture a band more widely and instantly hated than Nelson. It would be impossible. Nelson simply had too much going for them in that category. The twins Matthew and Gunnar Nelson existed at some previously unimagined nexus between three musical genres — glam metal, soft rock, and teen-pop — that were all generally despised. They looked like freaky-beautiful apparitions — blinding teeth, shining horsey hair, flouncy purple trench coats. They grew up rich, with George Harrison living next door and with famous parents, famous grandparents, famous uncles.
All that didn't stop their debut album
After the Rain from going double platinum and lead single
(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection from hitting number 1. More evidence that 1990 pop radio kind-of sucked.
Warrant - Cherry Pie
OK, so Warrant weren't remotely as good as Heart but they were infinitely better than Nelson. Still,
Cherry Pie might be the worst song of the three. Legend has hit that the head of Columbia records didn't hear a hit on Warrant's second album and asked the band to record one and add it to final cut. Jani Lane "wrote
Cherry Pie" in 15 minutes and that was that. The song reached the Billboard Top 10 and was one of the most played videos on MTV for the entire year. Jani famously married the model from the video (Bobbi Brown) though that didn't end well. He also had a famously complicated relationship with the band's biggest hit, alternately saying:
I could shoot myself in the ###ing head for writing that song.
but later walking it back:
Can I clear the air on that? They [VH1 producers] just caught me on a bad day... I'm happy as a clam to have written a song that is still being played and still dug by so many people. It's hard enough to write a song, let alone one that sticks around.
Poor Jani died of alcohol poisoning in 2011. Warrant last released an album in 2017 and still tours the US.