Otis
Footballguy
Holy smokes, it’s 2012. It’s been 2012 technically for a while now, but now it’s like really 2012. Because before this you were down pasting your Adrian Peterson Fathead to the wall of your goofy mancave and getting all geared up to kick back with your sweet fantasy mag and be a real fantasy shark, but now it's really happening. And while you’ve been down in a dank basement scratching out a draft list during Shark Week, a small number of us have been circling from afar, high up above, unseen, unaccounted for. We’ve been keeping a close eye without getting into the weeds, we’ve been unconcerned with the minutiae, always the big picture in plain view.
. . . . . | | . . | | . . . ___ ___ _________ . | (\.|\/|./) | . ___ ____| | | | / _ \ . (\ |||||| /) . | | / /| |___| | | /_\ | | (\ |/ \| /) | | |/ /| | | | (\ /) | /| ___ | | ___ | (\ /) | \| | | | | | | | \ \/ / | |\ \|___| |___| |___| |___| \____/\/\____/ |___| \___\ |0\/0| \/\/ \/As bostonfred noted, there are barely any sharks here anymore. It’s mostly fishies. Sweating their first round picks. Second round picks. Using draft dominatrix matrix, and draft apps, and team raters, and master raters, and master draft team dominating value based shark matrix calculators. But at the end of the day, if you're using your first couple of draft picks, you're not much of a hawk at all, are you? How much dominance are you asserting over your league when you all started on equal footing? That's not hawk. That's barely a shark, at best, under the right circumstances, on the right day of the week, and it’s probably just plain gup. You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass." Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2012 All-Value All-Otis All-Hawk Team -- start picking these guys in, like, I dunno, the 3rd, maybe 4th rounds, and then win your league handily, and then have everyone fully appreciate who the real hawk in the room is. You'll probably be disinvited from the league in 2013 and have to end up joining Tim’s league, but screw those guys, they sucked anyway.
Coach has had the interns hard at work here all summer crunching the numbers, watching Hard Knocks, and this year's crop is even better than the last. We got some criticism last year, but people thought Tesla and Columbus were crazy and wrong when they was alive too.
Let's sharpen the claws and have at it...
QB
Jay Cutler
You’re welcome.
You’re welcome because you were probably going to draft RG3 or MP4 or ABC or T-Jizzy or some super sexy “OMG” pick with a cool nickname at QB, but for the price of a bag of donuts we just handed you a top 5 QB in 2012. “But Coach, wait a minute, all my apps and mags and that guy rizzer96 at FFToday say he’s no good!” If you want to follow the crowd, then just keep on swimming. We’re offering you different and better in here, and Cutler is going to be tossing bombs at Marshall and Forte all year, and lots of those bombs will end up in the end zone. The Chicago Bears will be surprisingly effective in the passing game this year. Cutler will have a resurgence in his career--he won’t match 2008, but then again I’m not going to bench press what I did in my mid-twenties either.
You’ll get him around QB12, but he’ll finish around QB5.
4300 yds, 24 TDs
RB
Reggie Bush
Do you remember how good Reggie Bush is? I mean, really how good? Everyone is already forgetting. There were a convergence of factors in New Orleans and then in Miami for part of last year that made everyone forget. Hawks have good memories. We haven’t forgotten.
Since he hasn’t been featured on Hard Knocks yet, you can still get him cheap. But once he is, everyone will remember and he’ll be shooting up draft boards. In the meantime, just remember that Ryan Tannehill is the real deal, and a better QB -- even as a rookie -- than the Fish have had in a long, long time. He’s going to lob missiles all over the football field this year and keep defenses honest, and Bush is going to have his best year ever as a pro.
Draft Bush in the 6th round. Send me a fruit cake and Christmas card in December, and watch him finish a top 5-10 RB, and then throw on some USC highlight reels and nod at your television as you pat yourself on the back for remembering that this guy is really, really good at football.
1308 rushing, 322 receiving, 13TDs
LeGarrette Blount
“But Otis, all the sharks said Doug Martin is going to be zzzzzomg so good! And Blount just got hurt, and I know it because all the MDs in the game thread said it looked like an MCL sprain!!”
Look, I didn’t stomp into your living room and tell you what to do with your magic football team this year. You waited anxiously by your computer all offseason after finishing last in the league last year and now saw this thread and got yourself all into a shark frenzy to find out what we have to offer this year. What do we have to offer? A man among boys. Blount is going to very quietly steamroll through the NFL this year, except it won’t really be that quiet, and 4 weeks into the season people will be all abuzz saying “holy crap what the hell was THAT.” THAT was LeGarrette Blount, charging through your living room, and earning you the admiration of your other nerdy sports friends because you just dropped a messload of fantasy points all over their faces. Or not. Your call.
If you want to do this in shark fashion, go ahead and draft Peterson in the 2nd round and then pretend you’re a genius when he runs for 150 yards and 2 TDs. But if you want to do this hawk-style, you take Blount in the 6th round of your draft and watch him do the same, except when he’s doing it he’ll look like a locomotive smashing through Legotown, and the guy who drafted Martin and laughed at you during the draft will be conspicuously offline and unavailable Sunday night.
1150 rushing, 180 receiving, 7 TDs
WR
Brandon Marshall
What were you doing in 2008? Think back to that time, sitting in your parents’ basement, furiously tearing through the new issue of Fantasy Insider scrapping for stats to support your argument with gloam26 over at The Huddle. In 2008, Brandon Marshall was catching 104 passes in 15 games. He and Jay Cutler ran through fields of poppies in slow motion and embraced. It was magical. That’s what we’re offering here. More magic.
Most folks in the water have Marshall pegged outside the top 10. It’s not the most incredible value pick in the world, but he’ll finish top 5, and you’ll get nice bang for your buck, as we walk in fields of gold.
Top 5WR finish
Greg Little
Here’s what we said about him last year:
TE
Jacob Tamme
Do you guys remember Peyton Manning? He used to play quarterback for the Colts. He was the best quarterback in football actually. There’s a little known secret here, but I’ll mention it in passing: pssst, he still is.
And it turns out he likes throwing the ball to the tight ends sometimes. And it ends up being pretty effective.
Tamme is what’s wrong with fantasy projections today, and it’s a perfect example of why we Hawks consistently swoop down and find food. We haven’t seen an easier lock at top 5 TE who is regularly drafted outside the top 10. It’s silly really.
Top5 TE finish
K
Throw a dart at your silly magazine
Last year we gave you a kicker recommendation, even though we tell you ever year it doesn’t matter what kicker you draft. Just pick your kicker last, and do it in a way that at least makes it interesting, because by that point all the excitement of your draft is winding down and all the sharks have stopped feeding and are sort of dozing off and things are just really dull. So do something interesting. Break out a kicker jersey, or take off one shoe and punt your pal’s dog out into the yard, or bring in the semi-attractive barmaid from the local pub and have her announce the pick for you. Whatever you do, please god try and inject a little life into a lifeless room.
BONUS PICKS
[*]QB - Peyton Manning - Top5 QB [He's still way better than you think]
[*]RB - Kendall Hunter - Top20 RB [Gore is in twilight mode; Hunter starts to take over midseason and shines]
[*]RB - Alex Green - Top20 RB [He's healthy, and the other options are unimpressive]
[*]WR - Mike Williams (TB) - Top15 WR [Resurgence as VJax takes more attention than he deserves]
[*]WR - Leonard Hankerson - Top20 WR [How's he really going off the board around WR60?]
That's a wrap for this year. Fly high and feed well, my friends.
-Coach
. . . . . | | . . | | . . . ___ ___ _________ . | (\.|\/|./) | . ___ ____| | | | / _ \ . (\ |||||| /) . | | / /| |___| | | /_\ | | (\ |/ \| /) | | |/ /| | | | (\ /) | /| ___ | | ___ | (\ /) | \| | | | | | | | \ \/ / | |\ \|___| |___| |___| |___| \____/\/\____/ |___| \___\ |0\/0| \/\/ \/As bostonfred noted, there are barely any sharks here anymore. It’s mostly fishies. Sweating their first round picks. Second round picks. Using draft dominatrix matrix, and draft apps, and team raters, and master raters, and master draft team dominating value based shark matrix calculators. But at the end of the day, if you're using your first couple of draft picks, you're not much of a hawk at all, are you? How much dominance are you asserting over your league when you all started on equal footing? That's not hawk. That's barely a shark, at best, under the right circumstances, on the right day of the week, and it’s probably just plain gup. You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass." Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2012 All-Value All-Otis All-Hawk Team -- start picking these guys in, like, I dunno, the 3rd, maybe 4th rounds, and then win your league handily, and then have everyone fully appreciate who the real hawk in the room is. You'll probably be disinvited from the league in 2013 and have to end up joining Tim’s league, but screw those guys, they sucked anyway.
Coach has had the interns hard at work here all summer crunching the numbers, watching Hard Knocks, and this year's crop is even better than the last. We got some criticism last year, but people thought Tesla and Columbus were crazy and wrong when they was alive too.
Let's sharpen the claws and have at it...
QB
Jay Cutler
You’re welcome.
You’re welcome because you were probably going to draft RG3 or MP4 or ABC or T-Jizzy or some super sexy “OMG” pick with a cool nickname at QB, but for the price of a bag of donuts we just handed you a top 5 QB in 2012. “But Coach, wait a minute, all my apps and mags and that guy rizzer96 at FFToday say he’s no good!” If you want to follow the crowd, then just keep on swimming. We’re offering you different and better in here, and Cutler is going to be tossing bombs at Marshall and Forte all year, and lots of those bombs will end up in the end zone. The Chicago Bears will be surprisingly effective in the passing game this year. Cutler will have a resurgence in his career--he won’t match 2008, but then again I’m not going to bench press what I did in my mid-twenties either.
You’ll get him around QB12, but he’ll finish around QB5.
4300 yds, 24 TDs
RB
Reggie Bush
Do you remember how good Reggie Bush is? I mean, really how good? Everyone is already forgetting. There were a convergence of factors in New Orleans and then in Miami for part of last year that made everyone forget. Hawks have good memories. We haven’t forgotten.
Since he hasn’t been featured on Hard Knocks yet, you can still get him cheap. But once he is, everyone will remember and he’ll be shooting up draft boards. In the meantime, just remember that Ryan Tannehill is the real deal, and a better QB -- even as a rookie -- than the Fish have had in a long, long time. He’s going to lob missiles all over the football field this year and keep defenses honest, and Bush is going to have his best year ever as a pro.
Draft Bush in the 6th round. Send me a fruit cake and Christmas card in December, and watch him finish a top 5-10 RB, and then throw on some USC highlight reels and nod at your television as you pat yourself on the back for remembering that this guy is really, really good at football.
1308 rushing, 322 receiving, 13TDs
LeGarrette Blount
“But Otis, all the sharks said Doug Martin is going to be zzzzzomg so good! And Blount just got hurt, and I know it because all the MDs in the game thread said it looked like an MCL sprain!!”
Look, I didn’t stomp into your living room and tell you what to do with your magic football team this year. You waited anxiously by your computer all offseason after finishing last in the league last year and now saw this thread and got yourself all into a shark frenzy to find out what we have to offer this year. What do we have to offer? A man among boys. Blount is going to very quietly steamroll through the NFL this year, except it won’t really be that quiet, and 4 weeks into the season people will be all abuzz saying “holy crap what the hell was THAT.” THAT was LeGarrette Blount, charging through your living room, and earning you the admiration of your other nerdy sports friends because you just dropped a messload of fantasy points all over their faces. Or not. Your call.
If you want to do this in shark fashion, go ahead and draft Peterson in the 2nd round and then pretend you’re a genius when he runs for 150 yards and 2 TDs. But if you want to do this hawk-style, you take Blount in the 6th round of your draft and watch him do the same, except when he’s doing it he’ll look like a locomotive smashing through Legotown, and the guy who drafted Martin and laughed at you during the draft will be conspicuously offline and unavailable Sunday night.
1150 rushing, 180 receiving, 7 TDs
WR
Brandon Marshall
What were you doing in 2008? Think back to that time, sitting in your parents’ basement, furiously tearing through the new issue of Fantasy Insider scrapping for stats to support your argument with gloam26 over at The Huddle. In 2008, Brandon Marshall was catching 104 passes in 15 games. He and Jay Cutler ran through fields of poppies in slow motion and embraced. It was magical. That’s what we’re offering here. More magic.
Most folks in the water have Marshall pegged outside the top 10. It’s not the most incredible value pick in the world, but he’ll finish top 5, and you’ll get nice bang for your buck, as we walk in fields of gold.
Top 5WR finish
Greg Little
Here’s what we said about him last year:
Look, when you were a kid, you didn’t get pissed off if Santa brought you your fire truck a year early. Don’t be mad at us either. Just enjoy the damn truck.Off the board around WR35-40; top 20WR finish
TE
Jacob Tamme
Do you guys remember Peyton Manning? He used to play quarterback for the Colts. He was the best quarterback in football actually. There’s a little known secret here, but I’ll mention it in passing: pssst, he still is.
And it turns out he likes throwing the ball to the tight ends sometimes. And it ends up being pretty effective.
Tamme is what’s wrong with fantasy projections today, and it’s a perfect example of why we Hawks consistently swoop down and find food. We haven’t seen an easier lock at top 5 TE who is regularly drafted outside the top 10. It’s silly really.
Top5 TE finish
K
Throw a dart at your silly magazine
Last year we gave you a kicker recommendation, even though we tell you ever year it doesn’t matter what kicker you draft. Just pick your kicker last, and do it in a way that at least makes it interesting, because by that point all the excitement of your draft is winding down and all the sharks have stopped feeding and are sort of dozing off and things are just really dull. So do something interesting. Break out a kicker jersey, or take off one shoe and punt your pal’s dog out into the yard, or bring in the semi-attractive barmaid from the local pub and have her announce the pick for you. Whatever you do, please god try and inject a little life into a lifeless room.
BONUS PICKS
[*]QB - Peyton Manning - Top5 QB [He's still way better than you think]
[*]RB - Kendall Hunter - Top20 RB [Gore is in twilight mode; Hunter starts to take over midseason and shines]
[*]RB - Alex Green - Top20 RB [He's healthy, and the other options are unimpressive]
[*]WR - Mike Williams (TB) - Top15 WR [Resurgence as VJax takes more attention than he deserves]
[*]WR - Leonard Hankerson - Top20 WR [How's he really going off the board around WR60?]
That's a wrap for this year. Fly high and feed well, my friends.
-Coach
Last edited by a moderator:
damn....was that a zinger?anyway, I was just going to point out to the stinking heap of turds that b-marsh is very possibly 2nd round.
