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A Joke I Just Made Up (1 Viewer)

satch

satch

Footballguy
Hey, did you here the one about the hot blonde who always carried around a mason jar? When asked why, she replied, "It's for protection.  If I'm ever attacked, I'll open that sucker right at his eyes!"

 
Dr Oadi said:
Don't listen to the haters.

Follow your dreams

to living in a van down by the river.
Click to expand...
Well la-de-#######' da! Looks like we got ourselves a joke writer here! Well there'll be plenty of time for joke writin' when you're....,,,

 
Look, I get that it's mace in a jar, but if you don't have a nozzle to give direction or have the contents at a high pressure then then chick still isn't going to get results.  She should just go ahead and buy the spray imo.

 
An 80 year old man went to get a physical. His doctor said he needed to get a sperm count, and gave the man a mason jar and told him to take it home and then bring it back the next day.

The next day the old man returned with the jar, still empty. The doctor asked why he didn't provide a sample.

"I tried doc," the elderly man said. "First I tried with my right hand. Then I tried with my left hand. Then I tried with both hands at once. Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand. Nothing. She tried with her left hand. Nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her dentures in and then with her dentures out. Nothing still. So we called Bonnie, the woman next door. She tried with her hands. She even tried with her feet, but still nothing!"

The doctor asked in surprise, "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man nodded. "Yep. But none of us could get the stupid jar open."

 
GregR said:
An 80 year old man went to get a physical. His doctor said he needed to get a sperm count, and gave the man a mason jar and told him to take it home and then bring it back the next day.

The next day the old man returned with the jar, still empty. The doctor asked why he didn't provide a sample.

"I tried doc," the elderly man said. "First I tried with my right hand. Then I tried with my left hand. Then I tried with both hands at once. Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand. Nothing. She tried with her left hand. Nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her dentures in and then with her dentures out. Nothing still. So we called Bonnie, the woman next door. She tried with her hands. She even tried with her feet, but still nothing!"

The doctor asked in surprise, "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man nodded. "Yep. But none of us could get the stupid jar open."
Click to expand...
That is a Mason Jar Joke I can get behind

 
Dedfin said:
Look, I get that it's mace in a jar, but if you don't have a nozzle to give direction or have the contents at a high pressure then then chick still isn't going to get results.  She should just go ahead and buy the spray imo.
Click to expand...
That reminds me of a story from my youth. My brother bought a can of fart spray at Spencer Gifts when he was 12 and I was 10. However, Spencer Gifts removes all the nozzles from the cans on the shelves so that people don't spray them at the store. The cashier is supposed to provide the nozzle at time of purchase, but for whatever reason failed to do so for my brother. He didn't realize this until he got home, and given our mom wasn't supposed to know he bought fart spray, we couldn't say "hey we need to go back to the mall because Spencer Gifts forgot to give us the nozzle to this fart spray". So he got creative, and would use a pencil to push down on the top to spray it. So he, his friend, and I go to the dollar theater that our uncle owned where he let us in free, to see Raiders of the Lost Ark for the umpteenth time. His friend has a whoopie cushion and they plan to use it and the fart spray during the seen where the ark gets pulled up and seen for the first time. So the scene is coming up, but it's dark and my brother is struggling to line up the pencil in the right spot. His friend squeezes the whoopie cushion and my brother presses down the pencil.... but apparently did too hard. It jammed. Fart spray is fuming out like a bug bomb and he can't stop it. It's all over his clothes. It's all over his friends clothes. I'm running down the aisle yelling "OH ####! OH ####!". I get to the back of the theater and turn back towards the seats and see parents picking up kids, moms gagging for air, dads pissed off as all hell, basically mass hysteria. I see the exit door open which lit up the theater because it's like 2:30 PM on a Saturday, and see my brother and his friend running out the door. I however have to use the front door to get out, which requires going past the candy counter. I walk a normal pace and as I reach the door I turn and look at the candy counter workers looking at me scrunching their noses like I'm someone who just #### themselves. I start to see parents coming out of the theater door, so I bolt. Amazingly enough, we never got asked by our uncle about it. 

 
Politician Spock said:
That reminds me of a story from my youth. My brother bought a can of fart spray at Spencer Gifts when he was 12 and I was 10. However, Spencer Gifts removes all the nozzles from the cans on the shelves so that people don't spray them at the store. The cashier is supposed to provide the nozzle at time of purchase, but for whatever reason failed to do so for my brother. He didn't realize this until he got home, and given our mom wasn't supposed to know he bought fart spray, we couldn't say "hey we need to go back to the mall because Spencer Gifts forgot to give us the nozzle to this fart spray". So he got creative, and would use a pencil to push down on the top to spray it. So he, his friend, and I go to the dollar theater that our uncle owned where he let us in free, to see Raiders of the Lost Ark for the umpteenth time. His friend has a whoopie cushion and they plan to use it and the fart spray during the seen where the ark gets pulled up and seen for the first time. So the scene is coming up, but it's dark and my brother is struggling to line up the pencil in the right spot. His friend squeezes the whoopie cushion and my brother presses down the pencil.... but apparently did too hard. It jammed. Fart spray is fuming out like a bug bomb and he can't stop it. It's all over his clothes. It's all over his friends clothes. I'm running down the aisle yelling "OH ####! OH ####!". I get to the back of the theater and turn back towards the seats and see parents picking up kids, moms gagging for air, dads pissed off as all hell, basically mass hysteria. I see the exit door open which lit up the theater because it's like 2:30 PM on a Saturday, and see my brother and his friend running out the door. I however have to use the front door to get out, which requires going past the candy counter. I walk a normal pace and as I reach the door I turn and look at the candy counter workers looking at me scrunching their noses like I'm someone who just #### themselves. I start to see parents coming out of the theater door, so I bolt. Amazingly enough, we never got asked by our uncle about it. 
Click to expand...
:lmao:

That's frigging funny. 

 
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