wow time really flies. hard to believe my last update was early this year. where to begin...
the 100,000 foot view is I am no closer to a solution that I was when I started this thread a year ago. At this point I feel like my doctors are washing their hands and are out of answers. I have another appointment with my PCP tomorrow to talk through things and express my frustration and anger with how I feel. should be interesting. next step is I am trying medical massage and a procedure called dry needling. I heard the dry needling is painful as #### but it can help relieve muscle tension which I have a lot of.
So the more detailed version. Since January, I have have 3 MRIs as well as had consultations with pain management, spinal surgery, neurology, rheumatology, and and any other 'ology' you can think of related to back pain. In terms of treatment, I have had physical therapy, countless trigger point injections, three epidurals, nerve studies, you name it. in each case, these procedures have not helped reduce the pain at all. Each morning of each day, I wake up with the continual back pain that is with me every second of the day.
the current state I am in has had so many impacts to my life. Not only physical, but mental, and relational. my health has suffered - I try to go to the gym and workout the usual stuff, light weights, elliptical, nothing high impact. About a couple of hours after my workout, I have to go home and lay in bed. I worked out last Sunday and could barely get out bed the next morning and I worked out biceps and triceps. swimming helps so I try to do that when i can. I have gained about 7-8 pounds since this year as my pain has limited me and the lack of energy has been draining. in terms of mental it has been a challenge to say the least. I really struggle with a lack of motivation when I have my frequent bad back days so my work has suffered. the zeal and dedication I had has been replaced with malaise (hi GM!) and missed deadlines. I rarely can work a full day in the office before my back gives out so I telecommute about 3-4 days a week which has helped.
The biggest challenge is knowing I am dealing with this at 32 and wondering what 62 is going to look like. There are days where I feel like an older person - having my wife help me up the stairs, out of the car, me only being able to be out for a couple of hours before having to come home and rest. it has also impacted my marriage as well. it has been a struggle as my health has been our focus for the year. vacations we planned had to be cancelled because of my back, projects around the house delayed, and sex is a challenge as well :-/
In terms of my doctors, I see a gap with my providers. there are plenty of doctors and specialists available to me but they operate in silos and don't help with the big picture. they examine me, look at my test results and say something like "well you don't need surgery so I can't help you have you tried xxxx?" you go to the other doctor and the same answer. I have been bounced around like a ping pong ball and what I feel is missing is someone with a knowledge of chronic pain to be overseeing my health and working with the other physicians for help. At this point, I feel like no one knows what to do with me so I feel like I am not being heard which is very frustrating.
After I had my third and last epidural, my pain management doctor decided to take me off of hydocodone - something I have been on since last October. I realize pain medicines are a dual edge sword and the subject of a lot of discussion these days but I can say that they were the most effective treatment. when I would take them, I would feel semi-normal for a while and would be able to do things I would have been limited to do. as I am coming off of the meds, the increased pain is back and now I don't have a way for relief. Asprin?
forget it - it doesn't even touch the pain. with coming off of the meds, I have had the withdrawal issues - anxiety, diarrhea, loss of appetite, bone pain, feeling like I have the flu, etc. basically it sucks. and the challenge I have is that I feel I was arbitrarily cut off from the medicine without a clue of treatment for the long-term which makes this even harder.
so here I am tonight, laying in bed and I can't sleep and experiencing withdrawal all the while dealing with constant back and neck pain. basically, I am not in a good place. I don't even know what to expect going into my doctor tomorrow but I am going to be honest and to the point and discuss how I feel like I have been left on my own.
I am also hoping for good things with the medical massage therapy. my back and neck muscles are so twisted and tight I am hoping for some relief.
I'll try to update this more often going forward.