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Dealing with death (1 Viewer)

TheIronSheik

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I've noticed that there seems to be a very fine line between wanting to get over the pain, and not wanting to forget why the pain is there. There are times I start to feel better, but they seem to be fighting with the feeling of not wanting to let the memories go. I'm sure with each day, this internal struggle will start to ease up, but there are definitely times when I find myself laughing, only to feel guilty for feeling happy at this time.

I think one of the worst things about getting old is knowing that dealing with friends and family members dying will happen much more.

 
it sucks, gb. the pain dulls, but never really goes away for losing those close to you. My mom described losing my dad as losing her center- she has a rich peripheral life, but her center was gone. :(

and yeah- as you get into your 40s, everybody's parents start going... it doesn't end.

dammit. :cry:

 
I lost my dad in 2001 and my mom last year, and I haven't figured this all out. By far the hardest thing is the guilt of 'forgetting' them. Memories fade, and it pisses me off when I realize I remember less and less of my dad. I question if I've 'properly grieved', because those internal struggles you speak of are still there for me 13 yrs later.

My grandfather is an amazing inspiration to me. He's lost 3 of his children and his wife, and he's as strong as ever. He heavily leans on the fact that they're all together in heaven. I don't want to turn this into another religious thread, but that is a major conflict for me as I don't believe in any of that... But, to see how much that's comforted him, I wonder if its not such a bad thing?

All that to say :blackdot: I guess.

 
Celebrate their life. Easy for me to say, but some of the biggest parties I've been to have been after funerals. Just like the deceased would have wanted it.

ETA: Does not apply to the death of a young person.

 
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I think it will be harder to deal with death in this generation when you have all the video and can watch the people you love after they are dead and they are so alive on the video.

I lost both my mom and dad in the last 5 years. Mom went first and was not expected, is was hard. It was dad's time it was much easier.

 
Celebrate their life. Easy for me to say, but some of the biggest parties I've been to have been after funerals. Just like the deceased would have wanted it.

ETA: Does not apply to the death of a young person.
Yeah. I totally get this. We celebrated her life each night the past 5 days, and each time we were all laughing and having a fun time. It's more when I'm no longer around my family and I'm alone with my thoughts that this internal debate really kicks in.

 
I think it's natural to go back and forth between grief and acceptance, and even to straddle the line and feel both. I've been fortunate enough to have only lost grandparents and great-grandparents out of my family. However, 9 years ago I lost one of my best friends to an accident and it had a profound effect on me. Like WDIK and FatUncle alluded to, it's different when someone passes unexpectedly, but for the most part the feelings are no different. It does get easier with time, but there are still times when it will weigh heavily on your mind. Usually for me, something triggers a memory, like something we used to do together, or a song that reminds me of them. And though it does make me sad (and even makes me shed a tear or two at times), I tend to be grateful to have those memories.

Hang in there, GB

 
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.

 
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I think many times we guilt ourselves in not being allowed to be happy in times of death.

Some people this may be for a few days, other for several years.

With that said, it's OK to cry or get emotional months/years later. It just means you are human.

I look at deaths of loved ones as scars of living a life.
When I get a feeling of loss, I don't get down so much, but rather take that feeling as a positive healthy feeling that this person left a lasting impression in my life.

I take joy in that.

In my own personal way, I try to think of departed loved ones in good times, not to bring myself down but thinking of them in a good life moment is my way of saying you are still here living in my memory and in my heart.

For me, a loved one truly dies when they are no longer in you heart and mind.

 
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Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I am a believer in afterlife, but I've never been a believer in signs like that. I've heard people say things and I'd always been skeptical.

But after the funeral, I was talking to my cousin's little kids and a big yellow butterfly came down and flew in between us. Not like passed by, but flew between all of us, flapped for a while, and then flew away. I didn't think much. But then later, we all went out to eat with the family and we got seated next to a window. Midway through the meal, another yellow butterfly came to the window and flapped for a good 20 to 30 seconds at the window before leaving. Later that day, when my parents and my family were out getting some ice cream, another yellow butterfly landed on the table outside where we were sitting and sat there for about a minute before flying away.

Then, the other day, as I left for work, I walked out to my car and a yellow butterfly was sitting on the side mirror of my car.

Again, it's kind of silly. But I've probably seen 4 butterflies in the past 5 years. Then I see 4 of them, all alike, in the past 3 days. My whole family was like, "That was her." I know common sense says there's a billion reasons that it's not. But for some odd reason, we all believe it was. Like, I KNOW it was her.

 
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I am a believer in afterlife, but I've never been a believer in signs like that. I've heard people say things and I'd always been skeptical.

But after the funeral, I was talking to my cousin's little kids and a big yellow butterfly came down and flew in between us. Not like passed by, but flew between all of us, flapped for a while, and then flew away. I didn't think much. But then later, we all went out to eat with the family and we got seated next to a window. Midway through the meal, another yellow butterfly came to the window and flapped for a good 20 to 30 seconds at the window before leaving. Later that day, when my parents and my family were out getting some ice cream, another yellow butterfly landed on the table outside where we were sitting and sat there for about a minute before flying away.

Then, the other day, as I left for work, I walked out to my car and a yellow butterfly was sitting on the side mirror of my car.

Again, it's kind of silly. But I've probably seen 4 butterflies in the past 5 years. Then I see 4 of them, all alike, in the past 3 days. My whole family was like, "That was her." I know common sense says there's a billion reasons that it's not. But for some odd reason, we all believe it was. Like, I KNOW it was her.
I don't want to take away from that experience as I've had similar things happen and thought whoa....but I think our brains are very good at connecting dots. Especially in times of grief. We so desperately want comfort from the pain that we'll connect whatever dots we need to get that comfort. As if its a natural defense mechanism in our brains. :shrug:

 
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I am a believer in afterlife, but I've never been a believer in signs like that. I've heard people say things and I'd always been skeptical.

But after the funeral, I was talking to my cousin's little kids and a big yellow butterfly came down and flew in between us. Not like passed by, but flew between all of us, flapped for a while, and then flew away. I didn't think much. But then later, we all went out to eat with the family and we got seated next to a window. Midway through the meal, another yellow butterfly came to the window and flapped for a good 20 to 30 seconds at the window before leaving. Later that day, when my parents and my family were out getting some ice cream, another yellow butterfly landed on the table outside where we were sitting and sat there for about a minute before flying away.

Then, the other day, as I left for work, I walked out to my car and a yellow butterfly was sitting on the side mirror of my car.

Again, it's kind of silly. But I've probably seen 4 butterflies in the past 5 years. Then I see 4 of them, all alike, in the past 3 days. My whole family was like, "That was her." I know common sense says there's a billion reasons that it's not. But for some odd reason, we all believe it was. Like, I KNOW it was her.
I don't want to take away from that experience as I've had similar things happen and thought whoa....but I think our brains are very good at connecting dots. Especially in times of grief. We so desperately want comfort from the pain that we'll connect whatever dots we need to get that comfort. As if its a natural defense mechanism in our brains. :shrug:
Again, I've always thought the same thing when others have told me their similar experiences.

 
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I am a believer in afterlife, but I've never been a believer in signs like that. I've heard people say things and I'd always been skeptical.

But after the funeral, I was talking to my cousin's little kids and a big yellow butterfly came down and flew in between us. Not like passed by, but flew between all of us, flapped for a while, and then flew away. I didn't think much. But then later, we all went out to eat with the family and we got seated next to a window. Midway through the meal, another yellow butterfly came to the window and flapped for a good 20 to 30 seconds at the window before leaving. Later that day, when my parents and my family were out getting some ice cream, another yellow butterfly landed on the table outside where we were sitting and sat there for about a minute before flying away.

Then, the other day, as I left for work, I walked out to my car and a yellow butterfly was sitting on the side mirror of my car.

Again, it's kind of silly. But I've probably seen 4 butterflies in the past 5 years. Then I see 4 of them, all alike, in the past 3 days. My whole family was like, "That was her." I know common sense says there's a billion reasons that it's not. But for some odd reason, we all believe it was. Like, I KNOW it was her.
The last time I mowed I had this little brownish looking bird follow me everywhere. I mean I had literally had to stop the mower a few times from hitting the thing. Then a couple of days later I trimmed around my house and it came back. I've never had a bird do that before. It was very strange and at least made me think about reincarnation where I never really seriously had before. Probably it was just an odd bird that's unlike most of the others and not afraid of humans but who knows.

 
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.

 
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Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.

 
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.

This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA

 
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.

This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA
:goodposting:

 
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA
I'm not far enough from our loss to offer any real clarity. It's hard. But it does afford you an opportunity, and it's important to realize that. That opportunity is to realign around meaning, and calibrate appreciation for what matters. It's a ####ty way to arrive at it, but it's not without its poetry.Edit: my deep condolences. And if you ever want to talk, please PM.

 
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Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA
I'm not far enough from our loss to offer any real clarity. It's hard. But it does afford you an opportunity, and it's important to realize that. That opportunity is to realign around meaning, and calibrate appreciation for what matters. It's a ####ty way to arrive at it, but it's not without its poetry.Edit: my deep condolences. And if you ever want to talk, please PM.
Oddly enough, my first thought was of you, GB. When I read yours and BB's posts, I couldn't imagine the pain.

I think the weirdest thing is that for 22 and 1/2 hours of the day, I'm pretty good. But every so often, when things slow down, or I start to think of something, it's like it hits me all over again. Yesterday, it happened at work and I had to leave early. Today is my first full day back. I have 90 minutes to go and for the last couple of hours I've been fighting a full melt down. I'm sure holding it in doesn't help, but I just can't break in to tears while I'm at work.

When I'm home, I cry on my GF's shoulder and it definitely helps. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Then a week. And so on. Today is one week since I got the news. Definitely still rough.

 
I've noticed that there seems to be a very fine line between wanting to get over the pain, and not wanting to forget why the pain is there.
Definitely with you here. It's really tough. The only thing you can imagine that would be worse than the pain you are feeling, is no longer feeling that pain.

 
IS - I've been going thru the same things this summer after unexpectedly losing my father. A few factors that did help for me were - how old at the time of death, how did they die (suddenly or a long illness), and what were their wishes? For me, his death was almost a burden lifted as it is tough to see someone suffer, even for a brief time. My job now is to take care of my mother, and it has been very hard. Your hospital/hospice does offer grieving meetings. It may be something you should consider attending.

 
IS - I've been going thru the same things this summer after unexpectedly losing my father. A few factors that did help for me were - how old at the time of death, how did they die (suddenly or a long illness), and what were their wishes? For me, his death was almost a burden lifted as it is tough to see someone suffer, even for a brief time. My job now is to take care of my mother, and it has been very hard. Your hospital/hospice does offer grieving meetings. It may be something you should consider attending.
I will say that the one thing was it seemed like she didn't suffer. The decline came so quick that she went from traveling to Jamaica with the family, to passing just a month later. When we were going through all of the family pictures, it was amazing to see what a full life she had led.

 
This is relevant... just saw this today and saw your thread - http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/08/06/j-k-rowling-sends-note-by-albus-dumbledore-to-texas-girl-from-slain-family/

While this is a children's book we're talking about, JK certainly get's deep with this quote from one of the books...

Happiness can be found even in darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light.
Hard to think that way when faced with death of a friend or family, or anyone for that matter... but it's so very true.

 
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IS - I've been going thru the same things this summer after unexpectedly losing my father. A few factors that did help for me were - how old at the time of death, how did they die (suddenly or a long illness), and what were their wishes? For me, his death was almost a burden lifted as it is tough to see someone suffer, even for a brief time. My job now is to take care of my mother, and it has been very hard. Your hospital/hospice does offer grieving meetings. It may be something you should consider attending.
I will say that the one thing was it seemed like she didn't suffer. The decline came so quick that she went from traveling to Jamaica with the family, to passing just a month later. When we were going through all of the family pictures, it was amazing to see what a full life she had led.

That is a good thing. I try to think of the positive things with my father, while my mother is the opposite, very tough.
 
Sheik, very sorry for your loss. Going through the same here.

How I've dealt with death so far: at the moment I find out, through the wake/funeral//memorial, I'm a complete sobbing sack of jellyfish-spined emotional wreckage. Regardless of the relationship, I'm the dude in the back row just heaving through the eulogy. Whoever is around just looks at me, bewildered, and sometimes they will rub my back for 15 seconds. Then you hear me in the next room with 5 Kleenex blowing my nose, and I walk out, hey! Sorry for your loss! Need anything?!

Then, generally I'm good after that. I mean, I'll cry with my wife once in a while, but you try to just remember good times with the deceased, and make it a laugh/celebration. That's how it is for a while. And I don't think it has to be awful. If you can channel those good times and really feel their spirit from that time, you can conjure it up anytime, and it's like they're there.

 
Sheik, very sorry for your loss. Going through the same here.

How I've dealt with death so far: at the moment I find out, through the wake/funeral//memorial, I'm a complete sobbing sack of jellyfish-spined emotional wreckage. Regardless of the relationship, I'm the dude in the back row just heaving through the eulogy. Whoever is around just looks at me, bewildered, and sometimes they will rub my back for 15 seconds. Then you hear me in the next room with 5 Kleenex blowing my nose, and I walk out, hey! Sorry for your loss! Need anything?!

Then, generally I'm good after that. I mean, I'll cry with my wife once in a while, but you try to just remember good times with the deceased, and make it a laugh/celebration. That's how it is for a while. And I don't think it has to be awful. If you can channel those good times and really feel their spirit from that time, you can conjure it up anytime, and it's like they're there.
I hear ya. And that all makes sense. The thing right now for me is that thinking about the good times is usually what sends me into tears.

 
Sheik, very sorry for your loss. Going through the same here.

How I've dealt with death so far: at the moment I find out, through the wake/funeral//memorial, I'm a complete sobbing sack of jellyfish-spined emotional wreckage. Regardless of the relationship, I'm the dude in the back row just heaving through the eulogy. Whoever is around just looks at me, bewildered, and sometimes they will rub my back for 15 seconds. Then you hear me in the next room with 5 Kleenex blowing my nose, and I walk out, hey! Sorry for your loss! Need anything?!

Then, generally I'm good after that. I mean, I'll cry with my wife once in a while, but you try to just remember good times with the deceased, and make it a laugh/celebration. That's how it is for a while. And I don't think it has to be awful. If you can channel those good times and really feel their spirit from that time, you can conjure it up anytime, and it's like they're there.
I hear ya. And that all makes sense. The thing right now for me is that thinking about the good times is usually what sends me into tears.
Yeah they're good tears though. Don't fight it, go ahead and ####### lose it if you have to. And no kidding -- drink Gatorade if you're getting big volumes of tears. That's why you feel wiped out afterward.
 
I'm sorry for your loss, Iron Sheik. Take comfort in that you share this dilemma with the rest of the world, that everyone will struggle with this multiple times in their lives. Consider yourself blessed to be close to enough people in your life that this dilemma is something you'll revisit frequently.

Coming up in a few weeks is my youngest daughter's 4th birthday...and the "angel day" for her twin brother who died at birth. I'm choking up as I type this, so the pain of losing the son I never got to know never goes away completely. And I'm happy for that because I don't want to forget him. Yet on their birthdays, the celebration of my daughter takes front and center and we truly enjoy ourselves in the fullest. There's no rhyme or reason why we feel the joy and pain when we do about the death of those dear to us. I stopped trying to figure it out a couple of years ago and just go with it.

 
I'm sorry for your loss, Iron Sheik. Take comfort in that you share this dilemma with the rest of the world, that everyone will struggle with this multiple times in their lives. Consider yourself blessed to be close to enough people in your life that this dilemma is something you'll revisit frequently.

Coming up in a few weeks is my youngest daughter's 4th birthday...and the "angel day" for her twin brother who died at birth. I'm choking up as I type this, so the pain of losing the son I never got to know never goes away completely. And I'm happy for that because I don't want to forget him. Yet on their birthdays, the celebration of my daughter takes front and center and we truly enjoy ourselves in the fullest. There's no rhyme or reason why we feel the joy and pain when we do about the death of those dear to us. I stopped trying to figure it out a couple of years ago and just go with it.
Condolences. My aunt went through the exact same thing.
 
IS - I've been going thru the same things this summer after unexpectedly losing my father. A few factors that did help for me were - how old at the time of death, how did they die (suddenly or a long illness), and what were their wishes? For me, his death was almost a burden lifted as it is tough to see someone suffer, even for a brief time. My job now is to take care of my mother, and it has been very hard. Your hospital/hospice does offer grieving meetings. It may be something you should consider attending.
I will say that the one thing was it seemed like she didn't suffer. The decline came so quick that she went from traveling to Jamaica with the family, to passing just a month later. When we were going through all of the family pictures, it was amazing to see what a full life she had led.
Sorry for your loss Sheik, and I'll echo others in hoping that these memories will outweigh the tears.

 
I'm sorry for your loss, Iron Sheik. Take comfort in that you share this dilemma with the rest of the world, that everyone will struggle with this multiple times in their lives. Consider yourself blessed to be close to enough people in your life that this dilemma is something you'll revisit frequently.

Coming up in a few weeks is my youngest daughter's 4th birthday...and the "angel day" for her twin brother who died at birth. I'm choking up as I type this, so the pain of losing the son I never got to know never goes away completely. And I'm happy for that because I don't want to forget him. Yet on their birthdays, the celebration of my daughter takes front and center and we truly enjoy ourselves in the fullest. There's no rhyme or reason why we feel the joy and pain when we do about the death of those dear to us. I stopped trying to figure it out a couple of years ago and just go with it.
Condolences. My aunt went through the exact same thing.
Thanks. We were "lucky" in the sense that ultrasounds detected trouble early and as things didn't improve, we could brace for what was to come. As my daughter lay in the NICU for 3+ months, we saw our story shared by a handful of other parents of surviving twins. I take solace in that we're all in this together, that we can all relate in some form or fashion.

My condolences to you as well.

 
I'm sorry for your loss, Iron Sheik. Take comfort in that you share this dilemma with the rest of the world, that everyone will struggle with this multiple times in their lives. Consider yourself blessed to be close to enough people in your life that this dilemma is something you'll revisit frequently.

Coming up in a few weeks is my youngest daughter's 4th birthday...and the "angel day" for her twin brother who died at birth. I'm choking up as I type this, so the pain of losing the son I never got to know never goes away completely. And I'm happy for that because I don't want to forget him. Yet on their birthdays, the celebration of my daughter takes front and center and we truly enjoy ourselves in the fullest. There's no rhyme or reason why we feel the joy and pain when we do about the death of those dear to us. I stopped trying to figure it out a couple of years ago and just go with it.
Condolences. My aunt went through the exact same thing.
Thanks. We were "lucky" in the sense that ultrasounds detected trouble early and as things didn't improve, we could brace for what was to come. As my daughter lay in the NICU for 3+ months, we saw our story shared by a handful of other parents of surviving twins. I take solace in that we're all in this together, that we can all relate in some form or fashion.

My condolences to you as well.
I don't think my aunt had any idea. The day came and there was one baby instead of two. And everyone was so excited about the one baby that I don't think the loss was sufficiently acknowledged.
 
I lost my dad when I was very young. My way of dealing with it was not dealing with it.....for a very long time. This is not the way to approach a loss. My advice to all is let the process take its course. Be patient and remember what you are feeling is healthy and normal.

 
I lost my dad when I was very young. My way of dealing with it was not dealing with it.....for a very long time. This is not the way to approach a loss. My advice to all is let the process take its course. Be patient and remember what you are feeling is healthy and normal.
I think this applies when your dad moves 1000 miles away when you're a kid too. Healthy and normal aren't the words that usually come to mind. :)
 
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA
I'm not far enough from our loss to offer any real clarity. It's hard. But it does afford you an opportunity, and it's important to realize that. That opportunity is to realign around meaning, and calibrate appreciation for what matters. It's a ####ty way to arrive at it, but it's not without its poetry.Edit: my deep condolences. And if you ever want to talk, please PM.
Oddly enough, my first thought was of you, GB. When I read yours and BB's posts, I couldn't imagine the pain. I think the weirdest thing is that for 22 and 1/2 hours of the day, I'm pretty good. But every so often, when things slow down, or I start to think of something, it's like it hits me all over again. Yesterday, it happened at work and I had to leave early. Today is my first full day back. I have 90 minutes to go and for the last couple of hours I've been fighting a full melt down. I'm sure holding it in doesn't help, but I just can't break in to tears while I'm at work.

When I'm home, I cry on my GF's shoulder and it definitely helps. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Then a week. And so on.

Today is one week since I got the news. Definitely still rough.
It's been close to 9 weeks for me. Almost enough time for Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger to have a romance, but not nearly enough time to mourn our loss.He died on a Saturday, and I tried to start back at work two Mondays later. That effort failed, miserably. I tried again the next week and the next, and they were only marginally better. The next week I started to get really worried. I was trying, but couldn't do anything to stay focused. The harder I did try, the more it was like getting stuck in mud. I'd work a couple of hours, then need to take the dog for a walk or go work out.

It wasn't until about two weeks ago, which would have been the middle of week 6, that I was talking to one of my best friends who also happens to be the CMO of one of our major customers. He asked me how I was doing, in the course of a work call, and luckily we are close enough that I could tell him the truth, and not "okay". (He and his wife delayed their long distance move by a week when our son died, so close buddy).

I said I felt like I had suffered the emotional equivalent of multiple compound fractures that would have me in a full body cast, and that if I had that cast to show for it, no would ask me, "How soon until you're jogging again?" I wouldn't ask myself.

I realized, essentially, that I should be laid up even though you couldn't see my cast. I'm injured. Severely so.

That was a big epiphany for me. It wasn't until I recognized that I was not / am not "okay", nor should I be, that I actually started to heal. Permission to heal on my own time removed pressure, which helped.

The last two weeks have been productive. Not 100% of where I was before, but at least 80%.

The point is: It takes time and you cannot rush it. You will not control it, so let it happen. Things will change. You will not like that either, for its own reasons, but It's a process.

 
Last edited:
TheIronSheik said:
playin4beer said:
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I am a believer in afterlife, but I've never been a believer in signs like that. I've heard people say things and I'd always been skeptical.

But after the funeral, I was talking to my cousin's little kids and a big yellow butterfly came down and flew in between us. Not like passed by, but flew between all of us, flapped for a while, and then flew away. I didn't think much. But then later, we all went out to eat with the family and we got seated next to a window. Midway through the meal, another yellow butterfly came to the window and flapped for a good 20 to 30 seconds at the window before leaving. Later that day, when my parents and my family were out getting some ice cream, another yellow butterfly landed on the table outside where we were sitting and sat there for about a minute before flying away.

Then, the other day, as I left for work, I walked out to my car and a yellow butterfly was sitting on the side mirror of my car.

Again, it's kind of silly. But I've probably seen 4 butterflies in the past 5 years. Then I see 4 of them, all alike, in the past 3 days. My whole family was like, "That was her." I know common sense says there's a billion reasons that it's not. But for some odd reason, we all believe it was. Like, I KNOW it was her.
Who someone is and who someone is to you are two very different things. Who a person is to you exists nowhere but in your own mind. The most important part, to me, is that if those butterflies were her to you.... well, that's enough to make it true.

 
playin4beer said:
Mini hijack...FIL passed away just this last Winter. Loved by all, huge family, very close.. he had 6 kids and 23 grandkids.. Ever since I can remember, at every big family function (receptions, grad parties, etc) they'd play "Piano Man" and the whole extended family would gather in a big circle, arms around shoulders and sing along... at receptions, the bride and groom would dance in the middle.

Fast forward to last night. B-day party at the MIL's house for one of the grandkids.. small house, tons of people, so it's mostly outside. All the kids are running around, some shooting hoops, some on the trampoline,

others in the pool. I kept looking around and thinking how much I missed my FIL. He LOVED all the big, crazy, hectic parties. As I'm sitting on the deck watching the youngest kids playing, my 8 year old daughter goes walking

by me and I hear her softly sing "It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday".... Now keep in mind, I'm the only adult on the deck and it's hectic crazy everywhere. No music was playing, nobody was singing and this isn't a typical song my

8 year old would be humming or singing.. One Direction or Katy Perry? Sure.. Billy Joel? Not hardly...

Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
Cool story. Thanks for sharing. If she was 7 last year and her Grandpa was that cool it doesn't surprise me that she'd remember the song. Would've been neat if you two started singing it a capella and all the chaos stopped for a few minutes with everyone joining in. Maybe next holiday get together?
 
werdnoynek said:
This is relevant... just saw this today and saw your thread - http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/08/06/j-k-rowling-sends-note-by-albus-dumbledore-to-texas-girl-from-slain-family/

While this is a children's book we're talking about, JK certainly get's deep with this quote from one of the books...

Happiness can be found even in darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light.
Hard to think that way when faced with death of a friend or family, or anyone for that matter... but it's so very true.
One of those whoa moments for me was when we were riding to the funeral home to map out the arrangements for my Dad... This song came on the radio and it really hit me (it was odd this even came on since we were in my mom's car - she'd never listen to this crap). It freaked me out how on point it was at the time. Here I am on my way to work out the burial of my dad and this makes me happy? It was very confusing and I also felt times of guilt for feeling happy when this came on, but it was a pretty powerful moment. I will never forget it.

 
Mr. Ham said:
TheIronSheik said:
Mr. Ham said:
TheIronSheik said:
cstu said:
glumpy said:
playin4beer said:
Gave me goosebumps.. and for the record, I'm not a believer.. in ghosts, heaven, god or pretty much any afterlife. I think when you die, you just go to sleep and don't wake up.
I believe. Don't know in what form but I've tried to imagine nothingness and that's a concept that's a whole lot harder to wrap my brain around.
A shorter version happens to you every night.
Let's not turn this into a religious fight, please.This thread was meant to help me heal over losing a very close family member. There are plenty of other threads to argue religion in the FFA.

TIA
I'm not far enough from our loss to offer any real clarity. It's hard. But it does afford you an opportunity, and it's important to realize that. That opportunity is to realign around meaning, and calibrate appreciation for what matters. It's a ####ty way to arrive at it, but it's not without its poetry.Edit: my deep condolences. And if you ever want to talk, please PM.
Oddly enough, my first thought was of you, GB. When I read yours and BB's posts, I couldn't imagine the pain. I think the weirdest thing is that for 22 and 1/2 hours of the day, I'm pretty good. But every so often, when things slow down, or I start to think of something, it's like it hits me all over again. Yesterday, it happened at work and I had to leave early. Today is my first full day back. I have 90 minutes to go and for the last couple of hours I've been fighting a full melt down. I'm sure holding it in doesn't help, but I just can't break in to tears while I'm at work.

When I'm home, I cry on my GF's shoulder and it definitely helps. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Then a week. And so on.

Today is one week since I got the news. Definitely still rough.
It's been close to 9 weeks for me. Almost enough time for Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger to have a romance, but not nearly enough time to mourn our loss.He died on a Saturday, and I tried to start back at work two Mondays later. That effort failed, miserably. I tried again the next week and the next, and they were only marginally better. The next week I started to get really worried. I was trying, but couldn't do anything to stay focused. The harder I did try, the more it was like getting stuck in mud. I'd work a couple of hours, then need to take the dog for a walk or go work out.

It wasn't until about two weeks ago, which would have been the middle of week 6, that I was talking to one of my best friends who also happens to be the CMO of one of our major customers. He asked me how I was doing, in the course of a work call, and luckily we are close enough that I could tell him the truth, and not "okay". (He and his wife delayed their long distance move by a week when our son died, so close buddy).

I said I felt like I had suffered the emotional equivalent of multiple compound fractures that would have me in a full body cast, and that if I had that cast to show for it, no would ask me, "How soon until you're jogging again?" I wouldn't ask myself.

I realized, essentially, that I should be laid up even though you couldn't see my cast. I'm injured. Severely so.

That was a big epiphany for me. It wasn't until I recognized that I was not / am not "okay", nor should I be, that I actually started to heal. Permission to heal on my own time removed pressure, which helped.

The last two weeks have been productive. Not 100% of where I was before, but at least 80%.

The point is: It takes time and you cannot rush it. You will not control it, so let it happen. Things will change. You will not like that either, for its own reasons, but It's a process.
Thanks, Ham. This means a lot.

 

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