Ex is letting 12 yo son stay home by himself all day. Cool? (1 Viewer)

[saintfool]

Ummm....12 is kind of iffy.  I'd say he should be supervised.

this.

 

[saintfool]

i was a latchkey kid and left alone a lot. it takes a toll on a person and won't allow my son to bear that. i'd wait until he's 14 probably....

 

[ConnSKINS26]

If I had a daughter- I wouldn't l wouldn't leave her home alone until she was 30.

Screw leaving the house. If I had a daughter she'd only be dating when I was dead

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

 

[jvdesigns2002]

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

Seems to me that you took  comments that were obviously made in a completely non-serious way  in an overly serious manner.  I think you should maybe learn to loosen up a bit and understand that in the world of humor--not everything is required to fit your taste and be perfectly politically correct before you start giving lectures.  If you don't like it--scroll past and keep the lecture to yourself.  

 

[ConnSKINS26]

Seems to me that you took  comments that were obviously made in a completely non-serious way  in an overly serious manner.  I think you should maybe learn to loosen up a bit and understand that in the world of humor--not everything is required to fit your taste and be perfectly politically correct before you start giving lectures.  If you don't like it--scroll past and keep the lecture to yourself.  

Appreciate the advice, but I'll probably just keep posting what I want, within the rules, since it's a message board. It's okay to just be open to the idea that you said something dumb. We've all done it. 

The fact that you consider it humorous is what I was commenting on in the first place, by the way. 

 

[jvdesigns2002]

Appreciate the advice, but I'll probably just keep posting what I want, within the rules, since it's a message board. It's okay to just be open to the idea that you said something dumb. We've all done it. 

The fact that you consider it humorous is what I was commenting on in the first place, by the way. 

So i find something funny that you dont.  You should give a lecture on that and call people gross for having a different sense of humor than you.  Good for you. Have a great evening.  

 

[ConnSKINS26]

So i find something funny that you dont.  You should give a lecture on that and call people gross for having a different sense of humor than you.  Good for you. Have a great evening.  

Listen, you seem like a good dude. I probably came on too strong with my opinions. This forum has a lot of that. I'm not trying to piss people off, but this is a topic that I just have a hard time getting my head around. 

In trying to understand where you're coming from, instead of just flat condemning it--can you explain what you find funny about it, since our senses of humor are clashing here? It's possible I'm just not seeing what you're seeing. 

 

[Captain Cranks]

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

I think we found who complained about the 'Fat Shaming' plates.  

Chill out, dude.  

 

[Captain Cranks]

If thats the case I say he should be with you. Is the Son of your Ex with him though and how old is he? if he's older and there with him I think it shouldn't be an issue as long as he knows if theres an issue right way to call you or 911

I"m not sure I follow your question.  My 12 year old is by himself at my Ex wife's house.  Our oldest son is in the Air Force and stationed in Montana if that's what you're wondering. 

FTR, I don't fear that my 12 year old can't take care of himself in a locked house.  What I don't like is 1. Because of his disease, if something accidental does happen, there's no one there to do anything about it in a timely manner,  2. He's left there to play shooting games all day which will do no good for his already fragile mental state, and 3. I'm right down the street and the only reason he's not here is because he'd preferred not to be and my ex condones this attitude. 

 

[jonessed]

She works MWF, so three days of the week.  

That seems like a lot.  

 

[jonessed]

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

You’re the only one here being weird about this.

 

[culdeus]

A single mom near us works shift work at a hospital.  Has twins. Twins ride bikes to public pool. Hang all day. Ride home.  Been doing it since age 10.

 

[Captain Cranks]

A single mom near us works shift work at a hospital.  Has twins. Twins ride bikes to public pool. Hang all day. Ride home.  Been doing it since age 10.

Yes...but...

 

[Peak]

FTR, I don't fear that my 12 year old can't take care of himself in a locked house.  What I don't like is 1. Because of his disease, if something accidental does happen, there's no one there to do anything about it in a timely manner,  2. He's left there to play shooting games all day which will do no good for his already fragile mental state, and 3. I'm right down the street and the only reason he's not here is because he'd preferred not to be and my ex condones this attitude.

Maybe I missed it upthread, but what's this now?

 

[Captain Cranks]

Maybe I missed it upthread, but what's this now?

He has severe hemophilia.  He gets infusions every four days to increase his clotting factors.  However, if his levels were low and he accidentally cracks his head on something that causes a brain bleed, he could die.  Low probability, and who knows if someone being there could help, but it's always something in the back of our minds.

 

[Kanil]

12 seems almost exactly right to me.  Although, I think she should have talked to you about it first.

 

[Gawain]

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

You got some flack from this, but purely anecdotally, the wildest girls I knew were the ones who's dads tried to keep them locked down.

Also, I've talked with girls who said that because their dads hated every guy the girl brought home it was tough to know which guys were actually good or bad.

I think it behooves us as fathers to be fairly honest with our kids (sons and daughters) about relationships, even while wanting to shoot that little snot-nose punk with the ####-eating grin that's taking our princess to prom with a .22.

 

[ILUVBEER99]

A single mom near us works shift work at a hospital.  Has twins. Twins ride bikes to public pool. Hang all day. Ride home.  Been doing it since age 10.

Smart woman.  Free daycare.  Surprised more people don't do this to save some $$$ over the summer break.

 

[KarmaPolice]

Listen, you seem like a good dude. I probably came on too strong with my opinions. This forum has a lot of that. I'm not trying to piss people off, but this is a topic that I just have a hard time getting my head around. 

In trying to understand where you're coming from, instead of just flat condemning it--can you explain what you find funny about it, since our senses of humor are clashing here? It's possible I'm just not seeing what you're seeing. 

it's not like this is just for this thread either.  It's all over the board and people fully admit to treating their daughters differently than their sons in that regard.   Just one of those odd tropes that people still carry around and joke about that I don't get.  Hell, my daughter is only 4 and seems to play more with the boys at daycare, and I get the "uh oh - you better watch out in 10 years" type of annoying comments.  

 

[KarmaPolice]

He has severe hemophilia.  He gets infusions every four days to increase his clotting factors.  However, if his levels were low and he accidentally cracks his head on something that causes a brain bleed, he could die.  Low probability, and who knows if someone being there could help, but it's always something in the back of our minds.

Yeah, that might change my answer for this case.  The ex definitely should have at least run it by you, especially with this factored in.  

 

[Ned Ryerson]

I have a 12 year old, who we are perfectly fine with leaving home alone for several hours.  But, is that really fair to the kid?  Home alone in the summer 25+ hours a week without human interaction seems tough.

Is there no town camp of some sort?  My son was at sleepaway camp for a month, and had two days from when he finished up camp until he went to a pre-teen camp, and we found things for him to do during those two days, because we felt bad having him alone re boredom for so long, not from a safety perspective.

 

[Captain Cranks]

I have a 12 year old, who we are perfectly fine with leaving home alone for several hours.  But, is that really fair to the kid?  Home alone in the summer 25+ hours a week without human interaction seems tough.

Is there no town camp of some sort?  My son was at sleepaway camp for a month, and had two days from when he finished up camp until he went to a pre-teen camp, and we found things for him to do during those two days, because we felt bad having him alone re boredom for so long, not from a safety perspective.

He just got back from a week long summer camp.  There's only two more weeks of summer left so she's of the opinion this is no big deal. 

I asked him if he wanted to go to the water park tomorrow afternoon and he said no.  I guess that would be disturbing him from his video games.  

 

[culdeus]

I have a 12 year old, who we are perfectly fine with leaving home alone for several hours.  But, is that really fair to the kid?  Home alone in the summer 25+ hours a week without human interaction seems tough.

Is there no town camp of some sort?  My son was at sleepaway camp for a month, and had two days from when he finished up camp until he went to a pre-teen camp, and we found things for him to do during those two days, because we felt bad having him alone re boredom for so long, not from a safety perspective.

This stuff gets expensive.  Really expensive.  

 

[culdeus]

it's not like this is just for this thread either.  It's all over the board and people fully admit to treating their daughters differently than their sons in that regard.   Just one of those odd tropes that people still carry around and joke about that I don't get.  Hell, my daughter is only 4 and seems to play more with the boys at daycare, and I get the "uh oh - you better watch out in 10 years" type of annoying comments.  

No it's absolutely the right thing to do.  The other one that people haven't brought up is early/late bloomers.  As if a 5th/6th grader with boobs is now fair game to talk about like that because she developed a little earlier than the norm.  No, she isn't knock it the #### off and don't try to project your insecurities on her.  You don't see anyone doing the same thing for boys.  At all.  

edit to note that this wasn't a direct response to your comment

 

[Kafka]

Can we stop with this? It's obviously sexist but maybe more importantly it's creepy that dudes (including ones who aren't even fathers) continue to be obsessed with the weird cultural thing we have where there's "joking" about controlling daughters' dating and sex lives. Even as adults. We're not in a mid-90's sitcom, it's 2019. It's gross to see yourself as the gatekeeper to sex with your daughter, even if you don't realize that's what you're doing. Think about how weird that is. Especially since you don't also do it on the topic of sons. 

Weirdo.

 

[ConnSKINS26]

Weirdo.

Personally I find the comments about daughters way more weird. And plenty of people have agreed. 

I'll extend the same offer to you that I made to the other guy--why do you think that kind of humor is so normal? You must, if you find my objecting to it weird. 

 

[Captain Cranks]

Personally I find the comments about daughters way more weird. And plenty of people have agreed. 

I'll extend the same offer to you that I made to the other guy--why do you think that kind of humor is so normal? You must, if you find my objecting to it weird. 

Would you feel any differently if you were your wife's first or 100th partner?  Most of us would.  We view our daughters the same way.  They're supposed to remain innocent.  I don't know why we feel this way from a psychological/evolutionary perspective, but most men do.  It's one thing to treat our daughters differently because of it, but joking about this psychology isn't abnormal.  

 

[ConnSKINS26]

Would you feel any differently if you were your wife's first or 100th partner?  Most of us would.  We view our daughters the same way.  They're supposed to remain innocent.  I don't know why we feel this way from a psychological/evolutionary perspective, but most men do.  It's one thing to treat our daughters differently because of it, but joking about this psychology isn't abnormal.  

That's the thing, it always leads to people being treated differently. Even the jokes have some truth to them. It's a holdover from when someone's daughter not being a virgin literally made them less valuable when you went to marry them off. Historically it's about protecting property. Innocence? Weird double standard that you'd think we'd be further along in leaving behind. 

The first question you ask is going to be different for everyone, but I think it reveals a lot. Do you think you or your buddies lose value to a wife or partner, the more partners you've had? If anyone doesn't think the same way about themselves, or doesn't think their wife should have the right to feel the same way about their own (the husband's) sexual history...then those people have some reflecting to do, probably. 

 

[Captain Cranks]

That's the thing, it always leads to people being treated differently. Even the jokes have some truth to them. It's a holdover from when someone's daughter not being a virgin literally made them less valuable when you went to marry them off. Historically it's about protecting property. Innocence? Weird double standard that you'd think we'd be further along in leaving behind. 

The first question you ask is going to be different for everyone, but I think it reveals a lot. Do you think you or your buddies lose value to a wife or partner, the more partners you've had? If anyone doesn't think the same way about themselves, or doesn't think their wife should have the right to feel the same way about their own (the husband's) sexual history...then those people have some reflecting to do, probably. 

Yes, I know this for a fact. 

Do you feel guilty about having sexual thoughts about someone other than your wife?  Can you turn off your evolutionary psychology and quit thinking of women as sex objects?

 

[ConnSKINS26]

Yes, I know this for a fact. 

Then I wouldn't think there's any problem there. People should be able to care how many partners someone has had, if it's important to them in evaluating a partner. As long as they hold themselves to the same standard, you know? 

Do you feel guilty about having sexual thoughts about someone other than your wife?  Can you turn off your evolutionary psychology and quit thinking of women as sex objects?

I think it's natural for everyone to note the attractiveness of others, no issues there. Not entirely sure how it's related. I think it's especially unrelated to how people joke about and treat daughters, which is what started this whole thing. Or at least, it should be. 

 

[GStrot]

It’s kind of sad if you think this way. Having alone time is a luxury to be appreciated. One of my daughters is an empath and needs time alone to recharge. To say that wanting to be alone is only for nefarious reasons is just weird. 

Thanks for selectively quoting what I said.  

 

[GStrot]

I just learned that my ex is letting my son stay home by himself all day while she's at work.  Should I be upset?

Did you decide to be upset or not?

 

[Captain Cranks]

Did you decide to be upset or not?

Y'all talked me off the ledge.  I wish it was being handled differently, but he's mature enough.  School starts next week so this all become moot anyway.  

 

[Gally]

i was a latchkey kid and left alone a lot. it takes a toll on a person and won't allow my son to bear that. i'd wait until he's 14 probably....

I think that depends on the individual.  Being alone is not a bad thing necessarily.  It can actually lead to being more creative and being generally comfortable in your own skin.  Not everyone can be alone and be happy with that but that is more about themselves and personality.   Now being alone for days at a time with nobody to talk to (like solitary confinement) is a different story. 

 

[MAC_32]

I think that depends on the individual.  Being alone is not a bad thing necessarily.  It can actually lead to being more creative and being generally comfortable in your own skin.  Not everyone can be alone and be happy with that but that is more about themselves and personality.   Now being alone for days at a time with nobody to talk to (like solitary confinement) is a different story. 

Yep - I don't remember at exactly what age I was left home alone all summer, but it was in that 12-13 range. I was rarely there. And when I was there it was because I needed a day to recharge.

 

[-arcK-]

My two cents is worth exactly that, but I'm with ConnSKINS26 on this one... This "lock up our daughters" humor is old news. I get that we want to protect our daughters from harm, but joking about it to this extreme is what leads to a lack of communication, uneducated youth, and teenage pregnancy.