Funerals-Reunions-Disrespect? (1 Viewer)

[Da Guru]

A friend who I grew up with and we played ball together forever passed on Sunday after a battle with cancer.  A great guy with many friends who I am also friends with.   When I pull in to the funeral home tonight it was so busy they actually had a police car letting people in and out.

Anyway after meeting with his wife and family there were a group of about 20-25 of us who had not seen each other in forever in front of the casket hugging, laughing and telling old stories like being at a reunion to the point I kept asking that we need to take this to the back.  Every time I did someone else walked in and it started over.  I felt it was very disrespectful to his wife and kids and felt very uncomfortable.  I apologized to his wife and although she said it is OK he would have loved you guys all being together again it did not feel right.

Finally got everybody to go to a bar next door but still feel bad.  What is the correct protocol here?

 

[Christo]

Start drinking, heavily.

 

[AAABatteries]

Tough one and the only correct answer (for me) is how the wife and family felt - seems she was ok with it so you are probably good but I agree with the decision to move the reunion to the bar.  

I will say that almost every wake/viewing I've ever been to had an element of a reunion to it so unless people were telling jokes and loud laughter I'm sure people understood.

Condolences on the passing of your friend.

 

[shuke]

Sorry for  your loss.  See it as a celebration of his life.  

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Finally got everybody to go to a bar next door but still feel bad.  What is the correct protocol here?

It sounds like he was a great guy.  If his friends can have that much fun remembering him, that's a tribute to him and his ability to make people happy and comfortable.  No need to feel bad for this reason at all.  Enjoying his memory keeps him alive for his loved ones.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[D in the D]

Sorry for your loss.  But as long as the family was ok, I think its fine to celebrate the life of a friend.

 

[Snickers]

My grandfather used to tell me about a story where one of his buddies died and the dude used to make moonshine. All of the departed's friends sat around the casket drinking his moonshine. When they kicked the first bottle, they opened the casket and propped the guy up to a sitting position and put the empty bottle in his lap as they passed around a second bottle of shine.

 

[mquinnjr]

Tough one and the only correct answer (for me) is how the wife and family felt - seems she was ok with it so you are probably good but I agree with the decision to move the reunion to the bar.  

I will say that almost every wake/viewing I've ever been to had an element of a reunion to it so unless people were telling jokes and loud laughter I'm sure people understood.

Condolences on the passing of your friend.

No one is obviously going to a wake to treat it as a hang out, but if it happens and the family seems comfortable, just let it happen. If it gets too loud on a sustained basis, pack it up after you pay your respects and head to a bar. Nothing else really to add, the fact that the OP is even thinking about it means everything was respectful of the family.

 

[belljr]

Nothing wrong with it but probably should have been moved to the "back/another room/outside"  but all the viewings I've been too have always turned into a "reunion"

Telling stories about the deceased or catching up.  And there is always a "we need to meet up under better circumstances/sorry we had to see each other again like this"

 

[Da Guru]

Nothing wrong with it but probably should have been moved to the "back/another room/outside"  but all the viewings I've been too have always turned into a "reunion"

Telling stories about the deceased or catching up.  And there is always a "we need to meet up under better circumstances/sorry we had to see each other again like this"

Heard that at least 20 times last night.

 

[IC FBGCav]

I want a keg and drunk people at my funeral.   I will be highly disappointed if someone didn't knock over the casket.

 

[Harry Manback]

A friend who I grew up with and we played ball together forever passed on Sunday after a battle with cancer.  A great guy with many friends who I am also friends with.   When I pull in to the funeral home tonight it was so busy they actually had a police car letting people in and out.

Anyway after meeting with his wife and family there were a group of about 20-25 of us who had not seen each other in forever in front of the casket hugging, laughing and telling old stories like being at a reunion to the point I kept asking that we need to take this to the back.  Every time I did someone else walked in and it started over.  I felt it was very disrespectful to his wife and kids and felt very uncomfortable.  I apologized to his wife and although she said it is OK he would have loved you guys all being together again it did not feel right.

Finally got everybody to go to a bar next door but still feel bad.  What is the correct protocol here?

I know your feeling exactly. It feels wrong, but most people would not want their funeral to be some sad, mopey event. They want people to remember their life and celebrate it. Remember the good times and not focus on the bad stuff. 

 

[Koya]

Disrespect?  You didn't kneel during the eulogy did you? 

JK - gallows humor I suppose.  In my experience, every funeral is different, and you need to go with the flow. It sounds as if you were very cognizant of your surroundings and the fact that your group may have made it uncomfortable or awkward for others... it sounds like that was not the case, but even if it were, you did all you could.

IMO, if it was a truly disruptive and in any way disrespectful, you all would have been asked by someone else to take it elsewhere - but again, your sense that it might have demonstrates to me a lot of respect on your behalf at least. 

 

[SWC]

Sorry for  your loss.  See it as a celebration of his life.  

this is where i am at brohan in fact in my if swc dies letter i say in there that i do not want some sad sack funeral where people sit around on ugly furniture in a place that smells wierd i want a big old kegger with a couple of good hidden beers in the garage fridge where people bust on me and tell jokes laugh and so that they leave thinking man swc lived it right that brohan had a good time well he was here and i had a good time saying good bye to him i will miss that cat that is how i would look at it but that is just me bromigo take that to the bank 

 

[shuke]

this is where i am at brohan in fact in my if swc dies letter i say in there that i do not want some sad sack funeral where people sit around on ugly furniture in a place that smells wierd i want a big old kegger with a couple of good hidden beers in the garage fridge where people bust on me and tell jokes laugh and so that they leave thinking man swc lived it right that brohan had a good time well he was here and i had a good time saying good bye to him i will miss that cat that is how i would look at it but that is just me bromigo take that to the bank 

My link

 

[SWC]

this is where i am at brohan in fact in my if swc dies letter i say in there that i do not want some sad sack funeral where people sit around on ugly furniture in a place that smells wierd i want a big old kegger with a couple of good hidden beers in the garage fridge where people bust on me and tell jokes laugh and so that they leave thinking man swc lived it right that brohan had a good time well he was here and i had a good time saying good bye to him i will miss that cat that is how i would look at it but that is just me bromigo take that to the bank 

My link

shuke i liked you before brohan but now well lets just say i printed that and it is now a part of my if swc kicks the can letter and you already know dammed well where you can take that one bromigo 

 

[sbonomo]

Sorry for  your loss.  See it as a celebration of his life.  

This - if/when I go I want a keg at my funeral and people celbrating not mourning.  Sounds like his wife understood he was a social, well like person.  Don't feel bad and Sorry for your loss. 

 

[wikkidpissah]

Informality has devolved past a break from restrictive mores to yet another declaration of willful oblivion and individuality over commonality. You'd best not do it around me unless you'd care to suffer more than the mourners.

 

[Mjolnirs]

I will say that almost every wake/viewing I've ever been to had an element of a reunion to it so unless people were telling jokes and loud laughter I'm sure people understood.

Between actual school or family reunions, viewings are where most people see each other if they aren't normally in touch.  I agree, maybe not right in front of the casket, but I'm sure your friend would have been right there doing the same if it had been another friend.

 

[Johnny Bing]

I would agree with you Da Guru.  I would have taken that laughter and reunions to another location away from the front of the casket.  

That is a location where people are seeing a lost friend for the first time and some people hearing a beer story in the background with laughter would be inappropriate.  Celebrate the life in another area just not in front where people are seeing him for the first time.  

His kids might not understand it as well.  Sure his wife, but their kids just lost their father.  

I'd vote inappropriate based on the information you provided.