Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)

[Verbal Kint]

I played Banjo Kazooie on the 360 with my 9 year old nephew last weekend, really fun game to play with a kid. After that I popped in Sonic's Ultimate Genesis disc, nothing but old Genesis games. I let him play a couple and let when we were done he looked at me, put one hand on my shoulder and in a dead serious voice "Chad, I really feel bad for the games you had to play when you were a kid".

 

[pats3in4]

My 4yr old was listening to Penelope Cruz give her Oscars acceptance speech last night, turns to me and says, "Is she speaking spanish?"

After I'm done laughing, Cruz ends with some thank-yous in spanish, at which point I turn to her and say, "NOW she's speaking spanish."

 

[jdoggydogg]

Can't remember if I posted this one:

My son doesn't have a younger brother, so he's transferred his sibling rivalry to his younger cousin. My son will occasionally talk about how he's going to "knock Troy out." The other day, I asked him if he'd like to take martial arts some day, and he said yes.

A few days later, he said, "Dad, do you know why I want to take martial arts?" I asked why and he said, "So I can kill Troy."

 

[belljr]

Sometimes my daughter (3yo) will yell at you in a really mean voice if she doesn't want you to do something. We then tell her to ask daddy to not sit in your chair, please or to tell me nicely to not sit in your chair, etc She then usually follows up with a "sorry, don't sit in my chair, please".

so last night

Daughter: (yelling at my son) DON'T TOUCH MY PUZZLE, I WANT TO DO IT.

me: don't talk that way to your brother, you have to say it nicely.

Daughter: (yelling again) DON"T TOUCH MY PUZZLE NICELY!!!!

me:

 

[SuperJohn96]

Can't remember if I posted this one:

My son doesn't have a younger brother, so he's transferred his sibling rivalry to his younger cousin. My son will occasionally talk about how he's going to "knock Troy out." The other day, I asked him if he'd like to take martial arts some day, and he said yes.

A few days later, he said, "Dad, do you know why I want to take martial arts?" I asked why and he said, "So I can kill Troy."

jdoggydogg jr.

 

[gianmarco]

Backdrop: MIL is quite religious (Catholic) and whenever she comes to stay for prolonged periods to help out with our 3 year old son, makes sure he prays before every meal, before going to bed, goes to church every week, etc.

So, after having spent about 3 weeks with us and with him, MIL went back to Florida. While there, she gets to see my son on webcam. This was the webcam convo shortly after she left

MIL: "How are you?"

Son: "Good"

MIL: "So, have you been praying?"

Son: "No"

MIL: "Why not?"

Son: "Because I only pray when I go to church. And I don't go to church anymore"

Doh. Busted.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Backdrop: MIL is quite religious (Catholic) and whenever she comes to stay for prolonged periods to help out with our 3 year old son, makes sure he prays before every meal, before going to bed, goes to church every week, etc.So, after having spent about 3 weeks with us and with him, MIL went back to Florida. While there, she gets to see my son on webcam. This was the webcam convo shortly after she leftMIL: "How are you?"Son: "Good"MIL: "So, have you been praying?"Son: "No"MIL: "Why not?"Son: "Because I only pray when I go to church. And I don't go to church anymore"Doh. Busted.

lol

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Somehow Cal has gotten into telling "jokes". Needless to say, he doesn't have a lot of experience in this area. Saturday he asks me if I want to hear a joke and I say sure. His joke was "I farted" followed my maniacal laughter. I tell him that isn't a joke, and tell him the chicken crossing the road which he very much enjoyed.

Yesterday he lays these two gems on me.

Cal: Hey daddy, why did the sheep cross the road?

Me: I don't know, why?

Cal: He didn't HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!! :clhao:

Cal: Hey daddy, do you know how much a blue banana cost?

Me: No, how much?

Cal: Taste one and you'll know!!! :clhao:

 

[Gordo]

My nephew at Christmas, "That Christmas tree has candles on it. That makes it a Jewish Christmas tree right?"

 

[smotherhook]

as per my conversation with Jackson yesterday:

Jackson, "DaDa you an acehole"

Me, "what did you say?"

Jackson, "you acehole"

Me, "Jackson thats not a nice thing to say"

Jackson, "what good to say"

Me, "you are supposed to tell DaDa you love him"

Jackson "I love you acehole"

 

[Socrates11]

Somehow my 4 y.o son started talking about pretty girls, and we agree that his mom was a pretty girl, etc.

Me: So Chase, do you have any pretty girls in your (pre-K) class?

Chase: Oh yes Daddy, Ellie is the prettiest girl in my class.

Me: Ellie?

Chase: Yea, she has a beautiful polka-dotted backpack.

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Somehow Cal has gotten into telling "jokes". Needless to say, he doesn't have a lot of experience in this area. Saturday he asks me if I want to hear a joke and I say sure. His joke was "I farted" followed my maniacal laughter. I tell him that isn't a joke, and tell him the chicken crossing the road which he very much enjoyed.

Yesterday he lays these two gems on me.

Cal: Hey daddy, why did the sheep cross the road?

Me: I don't know, why?

Cal: He didn't HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!! :clhao:

Cal: Hey daddy, do you know how much a blue banana cost?

Me: No, how much?

Cal: Taste one and you'll know!!! :clhao:

I <3 CalThe bolded earns him mod status at :e: as soon as he's old enough. Like 3rd grade maybe.

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Backdrop: MIL is quite religious (Catholic) and whenever she comes to stay for prolonged periods to help out with our 3 year old son, makes sure he prays before every meal, before going to bed, goes to church every week, etc.So, after having spent about 3 weeks with us and with him, MIL went back to Florida. While there, she gets to see my son on webcam. This was the webcam convo shortly after she leftMIL: "How are you?"Son: "Good"MIL: "So, have you been praying?"Son: "No"MIL: "Why not?"Son: "Because I only pray when I go to church. And I don't go to church anymore"Doh. Busted.

lol

I think I told this one before but one day we were riding in the car and I was playing the Lemonhead's cover of 'Mrs. Robinson'. My kid was about 4 or 5 at the time. He asked me "Dad? Is this country music?"I told him "No, why do you think this is country?"He says "Because it has the word 'Jesus' in it"

 

[snogger]

So I enjoyed a VERY hot Whirlpool bath and was just a tad to hot to put a shirt on and came out of the bathroom to get a

Unfortunately, like most 40+ year old men there is a little more fat in the chest area than I'd like

So my wife and daughter were making jokes about it and I start pretending to flex and my daughter remarked:

"Look Mom, our little boy is growing up"

 

[Workhorse]

I asked my 4 1/2 year old son yesterday what instrument he's like to learn how to play when he gets older.

"Butt trumpet"

 

[SuperJohn96]

I asked my 4 1/2 year old son yesterday what instrument he's like to learn how to play when he gets older."Butt trumpet":IBTL:

Are you a GM alias?

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Somehow Cal has gotten into telling "jokes". Needless to say, he doesn't have a lot of experience in this area. Saturday he asks me if I want to hear a joke and I say sure. His joke was "I farted" followed my maniacal laughter. I tell him that isn't a joke, and tell him the chicken crossing the road which he very much enjoyed.

Yesterday he lays these two gems on me.

Cal: Hey daddy, why did the sheep cross the road?

Me: I don't know, why?

Cal: He didn't HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!! :clhao:

Cal: Hey daddy, do you know how much a blue banana cost?

Me: No, how much?

Cal: Taste one and you'll know!!! :clhao:

I <3 CalThe bolded earns him mod status at :e: as soon as he's old enough. Like 3rd grade maybe.

, Mrs. Robinson story too.Last night my wife tells him to go to the bathroom before he went to bed. He looks at me and says "Daddy, how do you pee? With your penis?" I replies yes and says "yeah me too. Mommy doesn't have a penis. She has to pee out of her butt". :clhao:

I give him extra points for saying it in front of her.

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Playing Mario Kart Wii with my 14 and 16 year old yesterday. One of the tracks is called Maple Treeway. I said something about it but was taking a bite of food so it came out as "Maple Threeway". My 16 year old says "Maple 3-way? Sound like a Canadian porno."

 

[snitwitch]

My 19 month old refers to every black person he sees on TV and in public as "bamba" -- he's trying to say "Obama"

 

[pats3in4]

While listening to Journey the other day, my 4yr old daughter asks me, "Daddy, why does the wheel in the sky keep turning?"

 

[tipsy mcstagger]

I was cleaning the cat litter only to discover one of them had pissed outside of the box a little and i said something about the "Freaking kitties" but I used a different word. Drooly & I were on the way to the store a couple of hours later and I saw him hitting himself in the head. He mumbled something about him slapping his head when he says bad words and that apples don't belong in my truck and the car next to us ...blah...blah...blah.....and finished with another shot to the head followed by "freaking kitties".3 year old's are insane. I am in trouble if he has already picked that up.

Oh I am sure he has.

Cat was in his room meowing during nap time. "Get out my room Enoki (cats name).....F'ing kitty.

 

[snellman]

Not funny, but as a dad with his first son it made me very proud:

I was wearing one of my Vikings shirts the other day when my 19 month old points to it and said "football"

A couple nights ago I was rocking him and watching NFL network, there happened to be a replay of a game on and he said "football dad"

I was then wife was

 

[Frostillicus]

Last summer my little girl was about 3 months old and I was holding her and watching the Twins game. Delmon Young struck out on a bad pitch yet again, and I asked her, "What do you think of Delmon Young, Abby" whereupon she immediately pooped herself.

Brilliant, even at 3 months old.

 

[zander_s]

Not funny, but as a dad with his first son it made me very proud:I was wearing one of my Vikings shirts the other day when my 19 month old points to it and said "football"A couple nights ago I was rocking him and watching NFL network, there happened to be a replay of a game on and he said "football dad"I was then wife was

Years ago when my daughter was young, she would come in while i was watching a game and mimic the refs signals!Made me laugh every time, she'd run back out of the room to her mom yelling "first down" throw her arms up and scream TOUCHDOWN!!She still comes over to the house some weekends just to watch a game or two with her old man!!

 

[tipsy mcstagger]

Not funny, but as a dad with his first son it made me very proud:I was wearing one of my Vikings shirts the other day when my 19 month old points to it and said "football"A couple nights ago I was rocking him and watching NFL network, there happened to be a replay of a game on and he said "football dad"I was then wife was

Years ago when my daughter was young, she would come in while i was watching a game and mimic the refs signals!Made me laugh every time, she'd run back out of the room to her mom yelling "first down" throw her arms up and scream TOUCHDOWN!!She still comes over to the house some weekends just to watch a game or two with her old man!!

Drooly McStagger does a perfect Jim Mora "PLAYHOFFS".

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

My 19 month old refers to every black person he sees on TV and in public as "bamba" -- he's trying to say "Obama"

I had a nephew that would say "basketball" when every he saw a black guy.

 

[Shutterbug]

My 19 month old refers to every black person he sees on TV and in public as "bamba" -- he's trying to say "Obama"

I had a nephew that would say "basketball" when every he saw a black guy.

 

[Gordo]

Kid (probably about 9) and his mom in front of me at the gas station.

"Mom can I scratch that lottery ticket for you?"

"No, your not 18."

"I'll take some steroids."

 

[jdoggydogg]

Can't remember if I posted this one:

My son doesn't have a younger brother, so he's transferred his sibling rivalry to his younger cousin. My son will occasionally talk about how he's going to "knock Troy out." The other day, I asked him if he'd like to take martial arts some day, and he said yes.

A few days later, he said, "Dad, do you know why I want to take martial arts?" I asked why and he said, "So I can kill Troy."

jdoggydogg jr.

Dude, totally. Little boys are sociopaths.

 

[chet]

My 19 month old refers to every black person he sees on TV and in public as "bamba" -- he's trying to say "Obama"

I had a nephew that would say "basketball" when every he saw a black guy.

I was flying to Denver with my 3yo daughter. Also on the plane were a bunch of female college bball players who were trying out for the olympic team. A black woman ~6'5" 250lbs is standing by our seats waiting for the bathroom when my daughter looks at her and says, "Daddy, is that a man?", loud enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to hear.

 

[Sack-Religious]

Every night before bed, my son (5, next month) and I read stories, then I bend him into letter-like shapes to create a simple word from a story we read so he can work on his "reading." After I'm done creating a word, I repeat the letters while tickling him. I guess I tickled him a little too long last night because when I stopped I was told.

"Daddy, you do that again, and I'll punch you in the throat."

 

[Angry Beavers]

Last summer my little girl was about 3 months old and I was holding her and watching the Twins game. Delmon Young struck out on a bad pitch yet again, and I asked her, "What do you think of Delmon Young, Abby" whereupon she immediately pooped herself.Brilliant, even at 3 months old.

My son was 2 1/2. I turned on the Tribe. Two run lead in the 9th. He wants to go out back out to play. I tell him after the game. After a couple of walks, an error and a basehit the game is tied. As the tying run is crossing the plate he stand up off the floor declares " I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE", turns off the TV and says "COMEON DAD, LET'S GO OUTSIDE"I doubt highly he understood much of what he had just sat patiently and watched with his old man but his reaction was perfectly timed and priceless........and yes, we went outside.

 

[SuperJohn96]

Peter, my 2 year old son (in a month) has recently become addicted (thanks to me and the wife) to Rock Band 2 on PS3.

He sits on my knee and holds the drumsticks, and I hold his hands and he lets his arms go limp so I can play the drums. We all have a great time, and he loves it and bugs me every day with, "Daddy play DRUMS!"

ANYway...because Mommy's favourite song is Bon Jovi's "Livin on a Prayer" of course it's Peter's favourite song, and he sings along, already knows the "Wooa-OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER" part and parts of others in the song.

So this morning he is milling about our room as we get ready for work, and he runs to my alarm clock singing "Wooa-OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER" and turns it on half expecting the song to just be on the radio.

So I say, "Sorry buddy, looks like it is not on right now. Maybe later."

He looks at me quizzically, picks up the cordless phone beside my alarm clock, turns it on, and holds up to his ear and says, "HELLO BON JOVI?"

 

[superbeck1]

The other morning I am holding my 1 year old in my kitchen when Mommy walks in and gives the two of us a hug. My 5 year old sitting at the kitchen table see us, jumps down and runs over to hug the three of us and says

"Hey Mom, it's a family sandwhich!"

Another one,

I am playing Lego Star Wars with my nephew who is 7 on his Xbox. Pretty harmless game but not having played it much I now know how my parents felt playing video games against me LOL.

Anyway I kept falling behind while my nephew is blazing through the game. He winds up getting shot a couple of times. After a while he is getting pissed. The next time he dies in the game he turns to me and says "Uncle Dan, you're supposed to cover my ###!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell him not to say those words......

 

[Regular Crust Pizza]

Last summer my little girl was about 3 months old and I was holding her and watching the Twins game. Delmon Young struck out on a bad pitch yet again, and I asked her, "What do you think of Delmon Young, Abby" whereupon she immediately pooped herself.Brilliant, even at 3 months old.

 

[Verbal Kint]

Peter, my 2 year old son (in a month) has recently become addicted (thanks to me and the wife) to Rock Band 2 on PS3.He sits on my knee and holds the drumsticks, and I hold his hands and he lets his arms go limp so I can play the drums. We all have a great time, and he loves it and bugs me every day with, "Daddy play DRUMS!"ANYway...because Mommy's favourite song is Bon Jovi's "Livin on a Prayer" of course it's Peter's favourite song, and he sings along, already knows the "Wooa-OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER" part and parts of others in the song.So this morning he is milling about our room as we get ready for work, and he runs to my alarm clock singing "Wooa-OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER" and turns it on half expecting the song to just be on the radio.So I say, "Sorry buddy, looks like it is not on right now. Maybe later."He looks at me quizzically, picks up the cordless phone beside my alarm clock, turns it on, and holds up to his ear and says, "HELLO BON JOVI?"

I just want you to know that I'm in love with your wife, and will steal her away from you the first chance I get. Not that I'm a big Bon Jovi fan, but between playing Rock Band, and the sheet biting (extra points for mocking you), I've become head over heels for her.

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I:

 

[belljr]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I:

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

 

[Standing Hampton]

At my game last night, I coach high school baseball, my six year old son is with me. Me and the players line up along the third base line for the national anthem and right before it begins my son comes running up to me, gets in line, grabs my hand and without a second thought takes off his hat and places it over his heart. After the song is over my son looks up at me and says "play ball".

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I: :whoosh:

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

Really? You and Barney ought to head down to Floyd's and talk it over with the fellas.

 

[belljr]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I: :whoosh:

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

Really? You and Barney ought to head down to Floyd's and talk it over with the fellas.

Seriously, everywhere around here still has the guys get off and throw crap in the back I mean I know the big ones for dumpsters etc but not for daily trash ...

NJ - fwiw - sorry for the hijack

 

[General Malaise]

I live in a townhouse with a bunch of other townhouses and a huge courtyard area with sidewalks in front. There's quite a few kids in the complex and my boys play together with them outsides when it's nice. Each townhouse has a covered front porch that looks out into the courtyard.

The kids got a hold of some colored chalk last week and went about playing tic-tac-toe, drawing rainbows, etc. My oldest son, who is six, got bored coloring the sidewalks and decided that he would take his chalk and his talent to a random tenant's front step and practice some creative writing.

When he came into the house, he looked at me and had a worried expression on his face. I said "Son, what's the matter?". "Ummm, dad? I wrote "Farts" on somebody's front porch".

Well, I didn't know what else to say as I immediately just cracked up. I couldn't get too angry as he didn't write anything profane, but I couldn't contain my laughter envisioning the resident who lives there coming home from work to see the word "FARTS" written in sloppy, big-child letters.

 

[TommyGilmore]

Well, I didn't know what else to say as I immediately just cracked up. I couldn't get too angry as he didn't write anything profane, but I couldn't contain my laughter envisioning the resident who lives there coming home from work to see the word "FARTS" written in sloppy, big-child letters.

Be thankful he didn't write "TACO HONKS".

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I:

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

Really? You and Barney ought to head down to Floyd's and talk it over with the fellas.

Seriously, everywhere around here still has the guys get off and throw crap in the back I mean I know the big ones for dumpsters etc but not for daily trash ...

NJ - fwiw - sorry for the hijack

That's what happens when you let the Mob control sanitation.

 

[Worm]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I:

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

Really? You and Barney ought to head down to Floyd's and talk it over with the fellas.

Seriously, everywhere around here still has the guys get off and throw crap in the back I mean I know the big ones for dumpsters etc but not for daily trash ...

NJ - fwiw - sorry for the hijack

Nowadays, any decent size cities have standardized trash cans that they give out that are picked up by a mechanical arm on the side of the dump truck.

 

[The_Man]

Last week, we're driving around town and my 11-year-old son is reading a story aloud to my 6-year-old daughter about how Greek mythology says the first humans were created.

So then I start telling her that throughout history, each religion and culture makes up a story to explain how the world was made and where people came from, and that while these stories aren't true, they're still interesting and teach us about different people and nations. And then I ask her what made-up story our culture tells about where the first people came from, expecting to get an Adam and Eve answer.

Her answer: "Um, that we evolved from apes?"

 

[belljr]

Last night we're all watching TV and there was some commercial on that showed an old-school garbage truck...where the garbage men ride on the back and have to actually dump the cans in the truck themselves. My two teenage boys start making comments on how garbage men have it easier today.

"Now they don't have to get out of the truck..." etc

I decide to chime in with the punchline from an old joke:

"Yeah and they only have to work one day a week!"

Both kids: "Yeah"

The wife and I: <_<

Maybe we're just behind the times here but what else is there?

Really? You and Barney ought to head down to Floyd's and talk it over with the fellas.

Seriously, everywhere around here still has the guys get off and throw crap in the back I mean I know the big ones for dumpsters etc but not for daily trash ...

NJ - fwiw - sorry for the hijack

Nowadays, any decent size cities have standardized trash cans that they give out that are picked up by a mechanical arm on the side of the dump truck.

40,000 people who knew. Back to the funny things.....

 

[Angry Beavers]

I live in a townhouse with a bunch of other townhouses and a huge courtyard area with sidewalks in front. There's quite a few kids in the complex and my boys play together with them outsides when it's nice. Each townhouse has a covered front porch that looks out into the courtyard.The kids got a hold of some colored chalk last week and went about playing tic-tac-toe, drawing rainbows, etc. My oldest son, who is six, got bored coloring the sidewalks and decided that he would take his chalk and his talent to a random tenant's front step and practice some creative writing.When he came into the house, he looked at me and had a worried expression on his face. I said "Son, what's the matter?". "Ummm, dad? I wrote "Farts" on somebody's front porch".Well, I didn't know what else to say as I immediately just cracked up. I couldn't get too angry as he didn't write anything profane, but I couldn't contain my laughter envisioning the resident who lives there coming home from work to see the word "FARTS" written in sloppy, big-child letters.

THAT is great!

 

[The Juggernaut]

Last week, we're driving around town and my 11-year-old son is reading a story aloud to my 6-year-old daughter about how Greek mythology says the first humans were created.

So then I start telling her that throughout history, each religion and culture makes up a story to explain how the world was made and where people came from, and that while these stories aren't true, they're still interesting and teach us about different people and nations. And then I ask her what made-up story our culture tells about where the first people came from, expecting to get an Adam and Eve answer.

Her answer: "Um, that we evolved from apes?"

It's working.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I finally, finally got Cal, our 5 y.o. to bed. He has this Calvin wood block thing hanging on the wall. He asked me to turn it around because "Calvin is closed for the day".