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Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

Preface: teach in a high school. My room gets the afternoon sun and even with shades closed, it heats up pretty good. I teach freshman and education, overall, is not priority #1. So, kids talk, move around a lot and don't really pay attention... some do, most do not. Today, after school.

Sophomore Girl 1 - "Dang, Mr. Kart, your room is a sauna."

Sophomore Girl 2 - "Smells in here to."

Mario Kart - "I have a bunch of freshman girls who move around too much and talk. Plus, I have the sun."

Sophomore Girl 2 - "That's why it smells like Perch."

Mario Kart - :lol: :lol:

 
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My 6 year old son has been talking about how he is going to own a yacht when he grows up. Fortunately he told his mom and I that we could live in the yacht with him if we ever lose our house. We could even have separate rooms of we wanted because mom snores he said.

No idea where he came up with the lose your house deal.

 
My wife was telling my 4 yr old son to brush his teeth, goto bathroom, rinse, etc. my son says "i only have two hands, i dont have five hands"

 
3.5 yr old was on fire on the way to school today.

"Let me tell you something, I hate bugs."

"Daddy, my five senses are out of order!!"

I just keep driving.

 
Five-year old daughter: Daddy, (3-yr old brother) stands up to go pee!

Me: Yep. Boys stand up to go pee and girls sit down.

Five-year old daughter: Girls sit down to go pee --like grandma!

:X

 
My 4-year-old nephew (my sister's son) tried to call my dad yesterday. It went to voicemail. The boy, whose father is a football coach (so they watch a lot of football together), reportedly said, "Grandpa's gone. He's on a commercial break."

 
Listening to xm radio in the car my kid asks me to turn on that "XL black skin" station. Yeah that would be "back spin" buddy.

 
Just coming back from the dentist with my 4 year old daughter and as we're crossing the street to get in the car, we see a dead squirrel in the road.

Four year old daughter: Look Dad! There's a dead squirrel

Me: No, no - he's just sleeping.

Four year old daughter: Than where's his head?

Me: Get in the car.

 
6 year old son the other night at bed time was having a really rough time actually going to bed. Starts throwing stuffed animals around the room, showing his butt off etc. The wife gets in an argument with him. I guess as a punishment she broke one of his crayons(the kid loves to draw).
So, when i get in there he is in tears --

Me: What's going on in here.

Son: I can't call her mommy anymore. She is Crayon Killer.

 
walnutz said:
6 year old son the other night at bed time was having a really rough time actually going to bed. Starts throwing stuffed animals around the room, showing his butt off etc. The wife gets in an argument with him. I guess as a punishment she broke one of his crayons(the kid loves to draw).

So, when i get in there he is in tears --

Me: What's going on in here.

Son: I can't call her mommy anymore. She is Crayon Killer.
Click to expand...
WTF

 
I was watching one of the playoff games with the Dodgers. Brian Wilson was pitching. I called my wife and 4-year old son into the room to see Wilson's beard. I asked my son if he would have a beard like that some day and he said yes. A few moments later he left the room. As he was leaving he said, "I want to be him."

 
Officer Pete Malloy said:
walnutz said:
6 year old son the other night at bed time was having a really rough time actually going to bed. Starts throwing stuffed animals around the room, showing his butt off etc. The wife gets in an argument with him. I guess as a punishment she broke one of his crayons(the kid loves to draw).

So, when i get in there he is in tears --

Me: What's going on in here.

Son: I can't call her mommy anymore. She is Crayon Killer.
Click to expand...
WTF
Click to expand...
LOL -- Yeah I know -- seems bad at face value. He gets into this state where he can't get himself calmed down. So the craziness just continues. So, to get his attention she snapped a crayon. Not saying it is right but it gets his attention.

 
walnutz said:
Officer Pete Malloy said:
walnutz said:
6 year old son the other night at bed time was having a really rough time actually going to bed. Starts throwing stuffed animals around the room, showing his butt off etc. The wife gets in an argument with him. I guess as a punishment she broke one of his crayons(the kid loves to draw).

So, when i get in there he is in tears --

Me: What's going on in here.

Son: I can't call her mommy anymore. She is Crayon Killer.
Click to expand...
WTF
Click to expand...
LOL -- Yeah I know -- seems bad at face value. He gets into this state where he can't get himself calmed down. So the craziness just continues. So, to get his attention she snapped a crayon. Not saying it is right but it gets his attention.
Click to expand...
CRAYON KILLER!

 
First thing that came to mind was when we were potting training my first son when he was around 2, I would let him whip it out and take a pee when we outside working in the garden. Just so he could get used to the idea of not peeing in his pants.

I get home from work one day, and the wife meets me at the door. She had picked him up from the church's Mothers Day Out program.

Her: "When I went to pick up your son today, his teacher pulled me aside."

Me: "Why, what happened."

Her: "Apparently, when they took the kids outside to play today, your son whipped it out and took a leak in the grass."

Me: :hifive:

 
ChiefD said:
First thing that came to mind was when we were potting training my first son when he was around 2, I would let him whip it out and take a pee when we outside working in the garden. Just so he could get used to the idea of not peeing in his pants.

I get home from work one day, and the wife meets me at the door. She had picked him up from the church's Mothers Day Out program.

Her: "When I went to pick up your son today, his teacher pulled me aside."

Me: "Why, what happened."

Her: "Apparently, when they took the kids outside to play today, your son whipped it out and took a leak in the grass."

Me: :hifive:
Click to expand...
Walnutz's wife would have broken the kid's penis.

 
Back when my younger son was around 1.5 the kids are playing outside and I'm doing something in the garage when he runs up and points to me and yells... "D##chbag!"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Son: "D##chbag! D##chbag!"

Me: "Where did you hear that?"

Son: "Mommy"

Me: "That's not very nice"

Son: "But I'm thirsty!"

He mispronouced "juice box" and changed "box" to "bag" because they were those Capri Sun juice pouch/bag things.

He was pointing at me because the refridgerator was behind me.

Or at least that's the story I'm sticking with...

 
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Officer Pete Malloy said:
ChiefD said:
First thing that came to mind was when we were potting training my first son when he was around 2, I would let him whip it out and take a pee when we outside working in the garden. Just so he could get used to the idea of not peeing in his pants.

I get home from work one day, and the wife meets me at the door. She had picked him up from the church's Mothers Day Out program.

Her: "When I went to pick up your son today, his teacher pulled me aside."

Me: "Why, what happened."

Her: "Apparently, when they took the kids outside to play today, your son whipped it out and took a leak in the grass."

Me: :hifive:
Click to expand...
Walnutz's wife would have broken the kid's penis.
Click to expand...
<_< that was pretty good.

 
ChiefD said:
First thing that came to mind was when we were potting training my first son when he was around 2, I would let him whip it out and take a pee when we outside working in the garden. Just so he could get used to the idea of not peeing in his pants.

I get home from work one day, and the wife meets me at the door. She had picked him up from the church's Mothers Day Out program.

Her: "When I went to pick up your son today, his teacher pulled me aside."

Me: "Why, what happened."

Her: "Apparently, when they took the kids outside to play today, your son whipped it out and took a leak in the grass."

Me: :hifive:
Click to expand...
Once I hear this, I just start running.

 
Officer Pete Malloy said:
ChiefD said:
First thing that came to mind was when we were potting training my first son when he was around 2, I would let him whip it out and take a pee when we outside working in the garden. Just so he could get used to the idea of not peeing in his pants.

I get home from work one day, and the wife meets me at the door. She had picked him up from the church's Mothers Day Out program.

Her: "When I went to pick up your son today, his teacher pulled me aside."

Me: "Why, what happened."

Her: "Apparently, when they took the kids outside to play today, your son whipped it out and took a leak in the grass."

Me: :hifive:
Click to expand...
Walnutz's wife would have broken the kid's penis.
Click to expand...
Lmao
 
Daughter was looking through one of the hundreds of Christmas catalogs we get when she said " Hey Mom I found a shirt for you"

Knowing the SmartA## she is I knew it wouldn't be a normal shirt so asked... "what does it say" :oldunsure:

she replied:

I Am Fartacus!

:lmao:

 
Driving with my three year old on the way home from daycare the other day...

Son: "Daddy, look...race car!"
Jayded: "No son. That's a Camry."
Son: "It's no race car?"
Jayded: "Nope."
Son: "He's lying?"
Jayded: "...to himself."

 
today we went to a 3d movie..

just me and my 8 year old daughter. watching previews she puts on the 3s glasses ans is eating popcorn.

"daddy i am going to be a cool dude with my glasses"

changes her voice

"hey dude what you think of the movie , man"

 
I went for my first colonoscopy on Thursday. My stupid kid asked me what was a colonoscopy. "They stick a hose up your butt and look inside " was my explanation.

Next day he goes to school and asks his teacher how old she was. 50+ was good enough for him...

"Have they stuck a hose up your butt" was his next question.

:yes:

 
I was looking for my car keys one night after dinner, while my wife and kids were finishing up. I was running late for a meeting and was somewhat frantic as I needed to get going.

My younger son (about 10 years old at the time) looks up from his dinner with a smart ### smirk on his face and asks: "Have you looked up your butt?".

My wife nearly spit out her food....

 
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DaBeers said:
I was looking for my car keys one night after dinner, while my wife and kids were finishing up. I was running late for a meeting and was somewhat frantic as I needed to get going.

My younger son (about 10 years old at the time) looks up from his dinner with a smart ### smirk on his face and asks: "Have you looked up your butt?".

My wife nearly spit out her food....
Click to expand...
I like your kid. He makes me laugh.

 
belljr said:
today we went to a 3d movie..

just me and my 8 year old daughter. watching previews she puts on the 3s glasses ans is eating popcorn.

"daddy i am going to be a cool dude with my glasses"

changes her voice

"hey dude what you think of the movie , man"
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
On a rare occasion I was applying mousse' to my hair in the bathroom when my 3 year old daughter came in and looked at me and said.....

"that'll turn ya gay"

:lol: :P :loco:

 
I was driving to school with my 5 year old the other morning and out of nowhere she started to sing along to "come sail away".....

She ended up getting out of the car and on her way into the school she was still singing come sail away.... come sail away.... sail away with me......

 
last night the wife made up some Peach Cobbler :bow:

A little later I hear my Daughters stomach "grumble" and I ask her "What was that?"

her response "I think my stomach is trying to figure out what to do with the Cobbler"

Wife gave her one of those <_< Looks .. which only made me :lol: even harder.

 
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10yo: There should be a cereal called Danger so we can say we eat Danger for breakfast.

I was pretty proud of her for that one, actually.

Also last week, the school menu had "I Ain't 'Fraid of No Roast" listed for lunch on Halloween and when I told my kids, they said they were going to be Roastbusters.

 
I was watching TV with my 2.5 year old son the other day. I try to teach him new words all the time to see how quickly he'll pick them up and start using them.

A commercial came on for the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. He was drawn in because he has one, pointed to the TV and said, "Cozy Coupe!" In an attempt to teach him the brand name, I said, "Yep, and you're a little tike!"

Without missing a beat, he turned to me, pointed, and said, "Old tike!"

Now he just hits me with that one at random.

 
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bostonfred said:
We've decided it's time to start potty training my son, and my wife's solution to this problem is the same as every other problem - buy a bunch of extraneous bull#### that someone invented to cash in on people who buy a bunch of extraneous bull####. In this case, she has an Elmo doll that drinks from a bottle, then says he has to go potty, and sits on his own potty. She also bought a child's potty that he can sit on that has pictures of Elmo and Dorothy on the tank, in addition to the Elmo themed seat that sits on our toilet, and an Elmo potty training DVD where Elmo talks about flushing and washing your hands and accidents. That seems like a pretty good use of a hundred bucks.

We give him a bottle, take off his diaper, and sit him down on the potty for the first time. She turns on the dvd, expecting him to magically make the connection between "hey, i get to watch an elmo video" and "hey, now that i have my diaper off and am sitting on this unfamiliar seat with both my parents watching, i should urinate". The latter is actually behavior we've actively discouraged until now, so I'm kind of glad that he didn't just sit down and start pissing everywhere. But any hope we had that he would sit still immediately went out the window when she turned the dvd on. He kept getting up and walking over to the little portable dvd player. So I move the dvd player over to the tub, so it's eye level, and set the potty in front of it, and he sits there without wiggling for a minute before my wife sets it back down on the floor and says "we can't put it on the tub, what if he knocks it in". Whatever. Thanks, wife.

So we sit there for a few minutes, awkwardly leering at his baby junk, wondering if peepee is just going to start flowing out of it at some point, and pushing him back onto the potty every time he starts to get up so he can see elmo better. My wife asks me to get him another drink, and I'm down for any vacation from this mini-hell I've been sentenced to this morning, so I go fill it up and we start forcefeeding the kid milk. Not surprisingly, he doesn't really want a second cup of milk in ten minutes, and keeps trying to set it down on the bathroom floor. So awesome.

So I take the bottle back, do my best to wash the bathroom floor off of it, and set it aside. My wife comes out of the bathroom and says, I can't believe he still hasn't peed. I stare at her like she has two heads as I ask, did you take leave him in there with no diaper? Sure enough, I look behind her, and there he is, standing up, hands on his hips, pissing all over the dvd player, waving his little butt back and forth like he's trying to spell his name in the snow. Good thing we didn't set the dvd player on the tub, honey.
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:lmao:

Nice, although this needs to go in the Funny Things My Kid Did thread as you're kid didn't say anything.

 
Yesterday while my wife was shoveling the sidewalk (I was at work, swear!), my 2.5 year old son pulled his lawn chair out of the garage and sat two feet away from where she was shoving and said, "I'm relaxing, mommy. You shovel the snow."

She denies this part but I'm imagining he did it while wearing a smoking jacket, with a pipe in one hand, and a snifter of brandy in the other.

 
This exchange went down between my wife and my almost-five-year-old last night:

Wife: "what do you want in your turkey sandwich?"
Ian: "mayonnaise and lettuce ONLY"
Wife: "what about turkey?"
Ian: "NO!"
Wife: "okaaay, so just lettuce and mayo?"
Ian: "and avocado"
Wife: "you like avocado?"
Ian: "only on turkey sandwiches"
 
danielmclark said:
This exchange went down between my wife and my almost-five-year-old last night:

Wife: "what do you want in your turkey sandwich?"
Ian: "mayonnaise and lettuce ONLY"
Wife: "what about turkey?"
Ian: "NO!"
Wife: "okaaay, so just lettuce and mayo?"
Ian: "and avocado"
Wife: "you like avocado?"
Ian: "only on turkey sandwiches"
Click to expand...
:lol:

 
A car lost control and ran thru the front door/wall of our kids' kung fu studio last weekend. Showing the pics to both boys, I asked them if they recognized where it was at.

7yr old: "That's the martial arts studio" :grad:

4yr old: "A car wash?"

 
I took my daughter to McDonalds for lunch as a reward. As we were eating, the kind of strange lady that is a shift manager yelled to her employees "we're on a $1,300 run on pinks. Great job getting that food up!" (I have no idea what that means)

My daughter heard her, started clapping loudly and yelled "Yay!!! People got their food!!!"

 
Was driving my 2 1/2 year old son to preschool a few months ago, and listening to music:

Him: "Daddy, I like this song."

Me: "Me too!"

Him: "Me two and a half." *sigh* "I'm gettin' big..."

 
Mr. Ham said:
Won't criticize my wife's cooking... I'll just tell the story.

My 3 year old can be a stubborn eater. One day a few months ago we discovered a weakness.

Cougar is one our cats. He's very fat. When our son turned down a meal, my wife matter-of-factly said, "Okay, I'll give it to Cougar."

"No!!!!!!" the 3 year old said, freaking out. Since then, whenever he gets fussy about food, we've just had to say, "Okay, let's give it to Cougar," and down the hatch it goes.

Wife had a New Years Resolution that she was going to home cook more often, as opposed to the normal pasta or prepared Whole Foods meals...

She unveiled her lemon artichoke chicken tonight.

3 year old turned his nose to it.

"Okay," I said, "Let's give it to Cougar."

Kid immediately held the plate up over his head and desperately said, "Where's Cougar!!!"
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
Took my daughter to dance class. Gone for about three hours. We get home and my wife asks my daughter how dance class was. Daughter responds:

"It was great, how was your three hours of sitting on the couch?"

I lost it.

 
We turned our basement into a playroom, and every day after work I go down there to play with my son for a while. He's started referring to me as his "downstairs buddy." My wife gets mildly annoyed that I'm the "fun" one, he always wants me to play with him, etc.

So one day I walk in the front door and as usual he comes running. "It's my downstairs buddy!"

Wife: "If daddy's your 'downstairs buddy,' what's mommy?"

Son: "Hmm... mommy is 'make dinner.'"

Wife: :hot:

Me: :lmao:

 
i try to keep quiet for a little while after i put my almost 4-year old son to sleep. His bedroom is across from the the only bathroom in the apartment, however. So while I might take a leak et al, I might not flush until the very end of the night when I am getting ready to head to sleep. There *may* be times that I forget to flush though and it will look pretty gnarly the next morning or even later. A few weeks ago, after I pick him up from school, he heads to the bathroom to pee. Lifting the lid, he sees witches brew that has been stewing in the pot all night and throughout the day. I'm standing by the door when he does this. Repulsed, he shudders..

Son: Daddy, did you forget to flush the potty?

Me: Um, I guess I did. Sorry, buddy, but I guess I forgot.

Son: Is that your poop?

Me: Um, yeah it is.

Son: Daddy, my poop is much nicer than yours.

He flushes after he finishes. Waving, he says,"Goodbye, Poop!"

 
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Last weekend as I'm preparing lunch for my 2.5 year old son.

Me: What do you want for lunch?

Him: ummm... sandwich!

Me: What kind of sandwich do you want?

Him: Peanut butter jelly time!

Me: I'm having peanut butter and cheese (side note: Don't judge me... it's awesome)

Him: Are you F###ing kidding me?

Wife: :o What did you say?

Him: (thinking it's a serious question) ARE... YOU... F###ING... KIDDING... ME?

Between my wife's firey hot daggers in her eyes and the fact that I couldn't contain my laughter I had to leave the room without saying anything.

 
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