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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (6 Viewers)

Officer Pete Malloy said:
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Click to expand...
I'll show myself out.
Click to expand...
This might be your worst post ever.

 
Judge: Take the stand.

Curly: [picks the chair up] Where'll I put it?

Judge: No, no, take the stand!

Curly: I got it! Now what'll I do with it?

Court clerk: [angrily sets it back down] SIDDOWN!

Judge: Why don't you answer him?

Curly: He's tawkin' pig Latin! I dunno what he's sayin'!

Judge: He's asking you if you swear...!

Curly: [cuts the judge off] No, but I know all the woids!

Judge: He's asking you if you'll swear to tell the truth.

Curly: Truth is stranger than fiction, Judgie-Wudgle.
Defense attorney: Mr. Howard, kindly tell the court what you know about Kirk Robbin's murder.

Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, Mr. Court...

Defense attorney: Address the judge as your honor.

Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, my honor...

Defense attorney: "Your honor". Not "My honor".

Curly: Why? Don't you like him?
Curly: Well, me and my pals, we're musicians. We were tearin' up some hot swing music in the York Esther. Gail over there was swingin' her fans. Her sweetie Koik Robin was inhalin' a bottle of hooch over at a table. And a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing was gettin' ready to shake his tootsies.

Defense attorney: Kindly speak English and drop the vernacular.

Curly: [Holding his Derby hat] Vernaculah? That's a doiby!

Defense attorney: Drop the vernacular!

[Curly drops his hat]

Defense attorney: No, no, not that! I mean talk so the jury can understand!

Curly: Is everybody dumb?


 
YSR said:
Officer Pete Malloy said:
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Click to expand...
I'll show myself out.
Click to expand...
This might be your worst post ever.
Click to expand...
Oh please. I've posted much worse just in the last week alone.

 
Bucky86 said:
Gadzooks said:
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in Depression thread. I'm not even sure what to do right now.

I just found out that on the Disney show "Liv and Maddie" which is about these twin high school sisters, the 2 girls are actually played by one actress. I thought they were twins in real life. I didn't believe it at first but checked it out on the Google and sure enough, it's one actress in a dual role. And she's also 19 in real life, so she's not really even that young. I've kinda had this Homer-like fantasy about a 3-some with them but obviously that's not gonna happen now. Sucks to find this out on a Friday, basically ruins the whole weekend.

I don't need any of you to send me your thoughts and prayers, though porn and Arby's coupons would be nice. I'll try to get through this. Thanks for listening. I love you.
Click to expand...
Would bang.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the offer, but I'm not that depressed.

 
Henry Ford said:
It went on and on like that. For about an hour and a half. He may never work as an expert again.
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My best one like that goes like this, crossing a surveyor:

Q. And you testified earlier that if a deed includes the phrase "with the buildings thereon," that unequivocally means there is a building on the land?

A. Yes

Q. And you also testified that the opposite was true, correct? If the phrase "with no buildings thereon" or no reference is made to buildings in the deed, that unequivocally means that there is not a building on the land?

A. Right.

Q. And the mistake my client made in this matter was that their employee missed this identifying language?

A. Right.

Q. Because one parcel had a building and the other did not, right?

A. Right.

Q. Can you refer back to Exhibits 8 and 9 and show me which one includes which of those two phrases?

A. Sure.

Q. Can you show me where those phrases are in the two deeds?

[long pause while surveyor realizes the both say "building."]

A. um, well I guess now that I look they both say the same thing.

Q. So then, from the face of the deeds, there was no way to come to the correct conclusion, right?

A. I guess not.

I'm thru with this guy!

 
Gadzooks said:
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in Depression thread. I'm not even sure what to do right now.

I just found out that on the Disney show "Liv and Maddie" which is about these twin high school sisters, the 2 girls are actually played by one actress. I thought they were twins in real life. I didn't believe it at first but checked it out on the Google and sure enough, it's one actress in a dual role. And she's also 19 in real life, so she's not really even that young. I've kinda had this Homer-like fantasy about a 3-some with them but obviously that's not gonna happen now. Sucks to find this out on a Friday, basically ruins the whole weekend.

I don't need any of you to send me your thoughts and prayers, though porn and Arby's coupons would be nice. I'll try to get through this. Thanks for listening. I love you.
Click to expand...
Was one of them wearing a beard ala Ben Affleck in "Argo"?

 
Officer Pete Malloy said:
Gadzooks said:
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in Depression thread. I'm not even sure what to do right now.

I just found out that on the Disney show "Liv and Maddie" which is about these twin high school sisters, the 2 girls are actually played by one actress. I thought they were twins in real life. I didn't believe it at first but checked it out on the Google and sure enough, it's one actress in a dual role. And she's also 19 in real life, so she's not really even that young. I've kinda had this Homer-like fantasy about a 3-some with them but obviously that's not gonna happen now. Sucks to find this out on a Friday, basically ruins the whole weekend.

I don't need any of you to send me your thoughts and prayers, though porn and Arby's coupons would be nice. I'll try to get through this. Thanks for listening. I love you.
Click to expand...
Was one of them wearing a beard ala Ben Affleck in "Argo"?
Click to expand...
I wish.

 
I'm on Metformin, how is that stuff?
Click to expand...
The stuff I'm on is a combo of metformin and glyburide. Metformin alone did nothing, glipizide alone did nothing. But this combo makes a comprehensive difference, especially if I eat a high protein, low carb meal. I overshoot to the low side. :oldunsure: Diabeetus chat de-activated.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Henry Ford said:
Suffice it to say that at one point the questioning went like this:


Q: Doctor, you've seen this data that was submitted by the defendants as evidence that your opinion is correct, right?

A: Yes.

[brief but worthwhile period during which I explain the doctor's actual specialty to him and his mouth gets dry]

Q: And you'd agree that if this data that the defendant submitted attempting to support your opinion is correct, then your opinion is inaccurate?

A: Yes.

Q: In fact, wildly inaccurate?

A: [pause, blink, swallow] Well, if you apply logic, yes.

Q: And doctor, let's talk about if your actual opinions are correct. If they're correct, you're claiming that this [thing we sued about] was [standard equaling an Act of God] according to the standards of your industry?

A: Yes.

Q: And that extraordinary event is called a [redacted]?

A: Yes.

Q: And that's defined by [technical paper] right? Not something you came up with?

A: Yes.

Q: And what's the standard measurement according to that paper?

A: Well, I don't have a copy with me right now, but you can see from my report that I checked it...

Q: Fortunately, doctor, I do have a copy. Your honor may I approach? This is [technical paper] isn't it, doctor?

A: Yes.

Q: Would you read for me the standard stated in there?

A: [reads]

Q: And this [thing we sued about] doesn't rise to that level, right?

A: Right.

Q: So this wasn't [standard equaling an Act of God] in your opinion?

A: No.

Q: Just to recap, if the other evidence is correct, you're wildly inaccurate, and if your own evidence is correct, you came to the wrong conclusion in your report?

A: Yes.
Click to expand...
That's friggin' awesome counselor!

 
Officer Pete Malloy said:
YSR said:
Officer Pete Malloy said:
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Click to expand...
I'll show myself out.
Click to expand...
This might be your worst post ever.
Click to expand...
Oh please. I've posted much worse just in the last week alone.
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

I remember when you ran down a perfectly good IT manager simply because you had a bit of a crush on a crazy chick that he was forced to fire.

 
They just opened a BevMo here (pretty strange that it took this long).

People are losing their #### over it. You would think nobody had ever sold alcohol here before.

 
Gadzooks said:
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in Depression thread. I'm not even sure what to do right now.

I just found out that on the Disney show "Liv and Maddie" which is about these twin high school sisters, the 2 girls are actually played by one actress. I thought they were twins in real life. I didn't believe it at first but checked it out on the Google and sure enough, it's one actress in a dual role. And she's also 19 in real life, so she's not really even that young. I've kinda had this Homer-like fantasy about a 3-some with them but obviously that's not gonna happen now. Sucks to find this out on a Friday, basically ruins the whole weekend.

I don't need any of you to send me your thoughts and prayers, though porn and Arby's coupons would be nice. I'll try to get through this. Thanks for listening. I love you.
Click to expand...
Way too pale. I can smell the rickets.

 
Henry Ford said:
El Floppo said:
Henry Ford said:
El Floppo said:
Henry Ford said:
El Floppo said:
Henry Ford said:
So... how are things?
Click to expand...
YSR has armAids.

Aaron broke the board.

that's about it.

oh..

Shuke is living la vie en rose.

and watch out for skateboarders.
Click to expand...
This is all Aaron's fault? Because it's really hard to come back from a few weeks off and not have the little white stars. Thanks a lot, Aaron. You monster.
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how'd the lawyering go?

you're wrapped up?
Click to expand...
It was exhausting. It also gave me my finest moment in cross examining an opposing expert in my entire career. So there's that.
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congrats on being done- the second part sounds pretty amazing... congrats on that as well. (eta :thumbup: )

please re-enact with finger puppets and post to youtube. tia.

I assume you have plans for the weekend that involve drinking and sleeping. a lot.
Click to expand...
Suffice it to say that at one point the questioning went like this:

Q: Doctor, you've seen this data that was submitted by the defendants as evidence that your opinion is correct, right?

A: Yes.

[brief but worthwhile period during which I explain the doctor's actual specialty to him and his mouth gets dry]

Q: And you'd agree that if this data that the defendant submitted attempting to support your opinion is correct, then your opinion is inaccurate?

A: Yes.

Q: In fact, wildly inaccurate?

A: [pause, blink, swallow] Well, if you apply logic, yes.

Q: And doctor, let's talk about if your actual opinions are correct. If they're correct, you're claiming that this [thing we sued about] was [standard equaling an Act of God] according to the standards of your industry?

A: Yes.

Q: And that extraordinary event is called a [redacted]?

A: Yes.

Q: And that's defined by [technical paper] right? Not something you came up with?

A: Yes.

Q: And what's the standard measurement according to that paper?

A: Well, I don't have a copy with me right now, but you can see from my report that I checked it...

Q: Fortunately, doctor, I do have a copy. Your honor may I approach? This is [technical paper] isn't it, doctor?

A: Yes.

Q: Would you read for me the standard stated in there?

A: [reads]

Q: And this [thing we sued about] doesn't rise to that level, right?

A: Right.

Q: So this wasn't [standard equaling an Act of God] in your opinion?

A: No.

Q: Just to recap, if the other evidence is correct, you're wildly inaccurate, and if your own evidence is correct, you came to the wrong conclusion in your report?

A: Yes.
Click to expand...
you can't fool me- there ain't no sanity clause.

I can't even begin to imagine how great that would feel... to know- exactly then- that you're a big winner.

oh.

right.

my life sucks.

 
Bob Sacamano said:
:lmao:

Every damn time.
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

Henry Ford said:
So... how are things?
Click to expand...
Like you, I've been working entirely too much. I've had about 50 cups of coffee this week which is about 45 cups more than normal.

Gadzooks said:
Wasn't sure whether to post this here or in Depression thread. I'm not even sure what to do right now.

I just found out that on the Disney show "Liv and Maddie" which is about these twin high school sisters, the 2 girls are actually played by one actress. I thought they were twins in real life. I didn't believe it at first but checked it out on the Google and sure enough, it's one actress in a dual role. And she's also 19 in real life, so she's not really even that young. I've kinda had this Homer-like fantasy about a 3-some with them but obviously that's not gonna happen now. Sucks to find this out on a Friday, basically ruins the whole weekend.

I don't need any of you to send me your thoughts and prayers, though porn and Arby's coupons would be nice. I'll try to get through this. Thanks for listening. I love you.
Click to expand...
A couple of days ago I saw this gorgeous red head walking on the side of the road. She was tall, slender, wearing knee high boots with skin that makes GM look like a Nigerian and rosy cheeks because of how cold it was.

She may have only been 16, I honestly don't know. :oldunsure:
 
RedmondLonghorn said:
Officer Pete Malloy said:
YSR said:
Officer Pete Malloy said:
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Click to expand...
I'll show myself out.
Click to expand...
This might be your worst post ever.
Click to expand...
Oh please. I've posted much worse just in the last week alone.
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

I remember when you ran down a perfectly good IT manager simply because you had a bit of a crush on a crazy chick that he was forced to fire.
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
I guess I should leave work now.

jeebus. I've been trying to get this project out the door for weeks, and instead of putting pretty bows on everything, I feel like I'm in a constant state of juggling chainsaws.

 
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