Hi FBGs
Been around here since almost the beginning but had to create a new account… no access to old email.
Anyway – Help for a heart-sick father.
The story in brief. My ex-wife and I divorced when my daughter was four. When her mom and I were together me and my daughter’s relationship was ok. But after the divorce, we became a lot closer. I got her every other weekend and any other time I could coax out of my ex. From the time she was four until when she was 14 – we were best friends. I would love our weekends together and I thought she did too. We talked on the phone every night she wasn’t with me but our weekends together was like ‘our’ time to party. Stay up late, play video games together, each junk food, go Pokemon hunting together. Like a slumber party every other weekend. It was great. I prided myself on what an awesome relationship we had. It was a big part of my self-identity. I thought I was a good dad. Wasn’t overly-strict, always understanding and protective and supportive. Unfortunately during that time, I did drink a lot… and my daughter was witness to me having too much and occasionally getting stupid. Never violent or anything like that, but I certainly got drunk and perhaps did some stumbling and whatnot. Never, ever drove with her or anything stupid like that, nor put her in any bad situations… but let’s face it, I drank dang near every weekend (to excess). I didn’t see a problem with it. I thought my daughter just sort of understood that’s what her dad did and it wasn’t a big deal.
Well. About 16 months ago, this all changed. It was right after I had met a girl and decided to move in together. I could tell my daughter wasn’t too pleased with the idea. The girl I moved in with was great but she also has a couple of kids, who were total brats. I think my kiddo tried to make the best of it but after two weekends of us staying together in the same house, she told her mom she didn’t want to live with me anymore. After ignoring me for a couple of weeks, she sends me an email, saying that I caused her anxiety, I was a mean person, drank too much and basically wasn’t being a good dad to her. In ending she says that she loves me but doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t want to spend any more time together or even talk at all.
I decided to let her have her way. I could have called the sheriff and had him force her to come visit, but that would have just made the situation worse, I’m sure. So I said, ok, I respect your decision. I think it’s the wrong decision but I respect your ability to make it and I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I then spent the next 4 months crying almost daily. I finally had to get on some antidepressants, which helped ease to torment but it’s still in my head every single day.
We’ve texted a few times since then. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas… she got into playing bass and one of her favorite bands is Rush (who is my favorite too) so we chatted a bit about that. But it’s been maybe ten texts in total since last July. I miss her terribly. I literally cannot put into words how much I miss her. I know some of this is her being a teenager. Hell, I did the same thing to my parents when I was her age, though under different circumstances. Just not sure what to do aside from try to be patient and let her come back to me in her own time.
Would love to hear thoughts from the peanut gallery. Perhaps any of you good folks have the same or similar experience? Am I doomed never to have a relationship with my daughter, of is this a phase kind of thing?
TIA
The original Grey Pilgrim.
Thank you for sharing GB.
Couple of things.
1. Teenage kids are like aliens. You have a sweet 10 year old and all of a sudden something happens. You know this. As you said, you did the same thing yourself. There are all kinds of new issues today with social media and other things, but the reality is this has been going on for a long time. It might not make it any less heartbreaking, but know it's not unusual.
2. The key in my opinion is do everything you can not break relationship. Sounds like it's gone from being best friends with your arms on each other shoulders to now the connection is more like a rope stretched between you that feels fraying. That's ok.
Just do everything you can to not let the rope break.
You can pull her back in even with a frayed rope. But when the rope is broken, it's much more difficult to reestablish the connection.
3. That's great news you've gotten sober. Sounds like that was a thing for her and that's a huge step you've taken in the right direction.
4. Step parenting and figuring out new blended families is a huge challenge. I'd say it's totally normal for a daughter to have negative feelings about a dad's new girlfriend. Especially if her kids are not great.
Obviously, this is a balance and I know nothing about anything, but it may well come down to you having to make a choice. If your daughter is being reasonable, (and that's a lot to unpack there), that might affect how you move forward with the girlfriend. Again, that's impossible for me to know from a distance. But a thought.
I think if it were me, I'd try again with a written message. Those are always best as you don't get off track or interrupted.
I'd let her know how much you value her.
Apologize for the drinking. (Side note apologize directly for what YOU did. Not how for what she might have felt. Not "Sorry you didn't like _____".)
Let her know you listened to her and you've stopped drinking and are more healhty.
Let her know the reason you did all that was to be the best dad for her.
Let her know you love her unconditionally and you want the best for her.
Let her know you're there for her whenever she is ready.
And then maybe start super small. Lunch somewhere. Coffee somewhere. Small stuff.
And then the hardest part is you have to be patient. And don't give her any reason to think what you're saying isn't true.
Sorry to be playing armchair counselor. But I've seen this kind of thing before.
Reposting what I wrote a while back. I think it's a real thing about doing one can to keep that connection to the other person and not letting "the rope" break.
