Help for a heartsick dad (1 Viewer)

[Grey_Pilgrim]

Hi FBGs



Been around here since almost the beginning but had to create a new account… no access to old email.



Anyway – Help for a heart-sick father.



The story in brief. My ex-wife and I divorced when my daughter was four. When her mom and I were together me and my daughter’s relationship was ok. But after the divorce, we became a lot closer. I got her every other weekend and any other time I could coax out of my ex. From the time she was four until when she was 14 – we were best friends. I would love our weekends together and I thought she did too. We talked on the phone every night she wasn’t with me but our weekends together was like ‘our’ time to party. Stay up late, play video games together, each junk food, go Pokemon hunting together. Like a slumber party every other weekend. It was great. I prided myself on what an awesome relationship we had. It was a big part of my self-identity. I thought I was a good dad. Wasn’t overly-strict, always understanding and protective and supportive. Unfortunately during that time, I did drink a lot… and my daughter was witness to me having too much and occasionally getting stupid. Never violent or anything like that, but I certainly got drunk and perhaps did some stumbling and whatnot. Never, ever drove with her or anything stupid like that, nor put her in any bad situations… but let’s face it, I drank dang near every weekend (to excess). I didn’t see a problem with it. I thought my daughter just sort of understood that’s what her dad did and it wasn’t a big deal.



Well. About 16 months ago, this all changed. It was right after I had met a girl and decided to move in together. I could tell my daughter wasn’t too pleased with the idea. The girl I moved in with was great but she also has a couple of kids, who were total brats. I think my kiddo tried to make the best of it but after two weekends of us staying together in the same house, she told her mom she didn’t want to live with me anymore. After ignoring me for a couple of weeks, she sends me an email, saying that I caused her anxiety, I was a mean person, drank too much and basically wasn’t being a good dad to her. In ending she says that she loves me but doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t want to spend any more time together or even talk at all.



I decided to let her have her way. I could have called the sheriff and had him force her to come visit, but that would have just made the situation worse, I’m sure. So I said, ok, I respect your decision. I think it’s the wrong decision but I respect your ability to make it and I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I then spent the next 4 months crying almost daily. I finally had to get on some antidepressants, which helped ease to torment but it’s still in my head every single day.



We’ve texted a few times since then. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas… she got into playing bass and one of her favorite bands is Rush (who is my favorite too) so we chatted a bit about that. But it’s been maybe ten texts in total since last July. I miss her terribly. I literally cannot put into words how much I miss her. I know some of this is her being a teenager. Hell, I did the same thing to my parents when I was her age, though under different circumstances. Just not sure what to do aside from try to be patient and let her come back to me in her own time.



Would love to hear thoughts from the peanut gallery. Perhaps any of you good folks have the same or similar experience? Am I doomed never to have a relationship with my daughter, of is this a phase kind of thing?



TIA



The original Grey Pilgrim.

 

[Galileo]

Have you tried to curtail the drinking?

 

[Juxtatarot]

First step might be to quit drinking. Also, how toxic is the environment with the bratty kids?

 

[snellman]

Being a divorced dad of a daughter (especially a teenager) is rough. I have 2 that were 6&7 when I divorced and 10 & 11 when I met my current wife. We went through stretches where they wouldn't come to visit because they "didn't like" my wife, they thought we were picking on them on not the other 2 children (my wife had 2 boys from a previous) and other reasons. My oldest threw a curveball when she wanted to move in with us before her junior year of high school (they lived 4 hours away). She finished high school living with us and everything has been very good with both since (they are now 28 and 29).

I guess what I am saying is I know it hurts, you don't know how many nights I spent crying and wondering if I failed my daughters. Be patient, let her have her space, just make sure you are there for her if she wants you to be and don't do or say anything that you may regret later. It may take some time, but she will more than likely change her tune and come back. Just be supportive of her decisions and keep an open line of communication.

ETA: If you ever need to vent or talk, shoot me a PM. I understand exactly what you are going through and know that sometimes we just need someone that will listed and our partner/wife will listen, but may not understand. Trust me when I say it will get better.

 

[jobarules]

Have you tried reaching out to her to tell her how much you miss her and asking her what you need to do to fix the relationship? Obviously getting sober is #1.

Also, a lot of this is just normal teenage ****. It will get better. Keep texting her.

 

[Grey_Pilgrim]

Have you tried to curtail the drinking?

Yeah, lost 70lbs . Quite drinking almost entirely.

 

[Grey_Pilgrim]

Sorry. Edit to add. I've stopped drinking almost completely now. Haven't gotten drunk in months. Lost a ton of weight trying to be 'a better me', cleaned up the life, eat better, all that good stuff.
Lol, my daughter probably wouldn't even recognize me at this point.

 

[thecatch]

It sounds like the problem is that she's not comfortable with your new relationship and living situation (i.e., the other kids) more than anything else. It's good you are getting yourself together, but I'm not sure that's the main issue, at least from your description.

 

[eoMMan]

Although easing up on the drinking is the obvious advice, it seems things really changed after you moved in with the other woman and subjected your daughter to her “bratty” kids. Honestly, can you blame your daughter for all of a sudden being forced to hang out with “bratty” kids?

I would suggest hanging out with your daughter one and one and really look at your current relationship. Is there a future? Why are her kids “bratty”?

 

[ChiefD]

If it's me, I try to arrange a lunch or something. Or meet in a park and just hang out. Explain to the daughter that her letter was a wake-up call. And lay out the things that you have done to improve yourself. Because she was right.

And once you get all that out of the way, you can maybe just ask: "Is my new girl a part of the problem?"

And if the answer is yes, that's another potential wake up call for you. To maybe look at things from another direction. As a dad, the LAST thing I would want is to lose my children over another woman. Now granted, my kids also don't get to dictate my life, but to me that would be a major issue.

Not saying your new girl had anything to do with it. Just a thought.

 

[dino259]

Sorry. Edit to add. I've stopped drinking almost completely now. Haven't gotten drunk in months. Lost a ton of weight trying to be 'a better me', cleaned up the life, eat better, all that good stuff.
Lol, my daughter probably wouldn't even recognize me at this point.

This is a great start. I have basically no relationship with my parents. Continue to be the adult and open to any type of interaction. you can not force her into the same relationship as before. Be open and honest with her and let her know you will be there for her no matter what. It will probably be slow but keep at it.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I feel for you. As the only male in the house, I sympathize. Feels like I get ganged up on sometimes.

Others will have better advice and it looks like you’re already making the right steps.

Good luck.

 

[Kiddnets]

Im a divorce attorney - I see this often, especially with teens and I hate it because there is no easy answer.

Teens go through a lot of phases and its not uncommon for them to jump from loving/hating parent to parent depending on multiple factors. Ive had clients fight through the court to force time and it rarely is productive. I think your approach to respect her wishes is a good one. I personally think she doesnt like your wife and new kids and is using the drinking as an excuse.

My advice is to keep trying without it being over the top. Since she is not comfortable in your home Id take Chiefs advice and offer to meet up out of the house - lunch, movie, snack, etc. Show her you took her concerns seriously and addressed them. I would keep the communications open more than you have been but not overwhelm her. You have to do what is most difficult - give it time. What feels like an eternity to you is nothing to a teen. Keep showing you are there for her and willing to wait. If shes open to joint therapy it may be a good place to start so she can feel comfortable communicating.

Theres no playbook for this but I can tell you Ive seen several situations where the kid does a complete turn and comes back out of nowhere. So have faith that this will get better - hang in there!

 

[Long Ball Larry]

I am divorced and had a very complicated situation with my daughter and ex, though not exactly what you have described.

I will say a few things that strike me initially:

The relationship you have described sounds a lot more like a friend than a dad. I'm sure it was enjoyable for both of you and I certainly don't want to say that I did everything right, but part of the issue might be that you two never had clear boundaries as father and daughter. She may not even be aware that it is an issue, but the fact that this change accompanied a change in living situation and her saying that there is anxiety makes me wonder if the lack of clear boundaries is part of the issue. She might think that she is losing you or that your relationship will change and doesn't really know what the foundation of the relationship is. I would also say to keep at it and keep in contact and try to set up some more structured interactions. This could help bring the relationship into focus and eventually re-build it.

Divorce can really mess with kids' sense of reality and what they can trust as always being there. They may not even know that they want it and they will often resist it, but they do need control and permanence from outside. It is often not fun for anyone to maintain that structure, but I think that it ultimately what will produce the most satisfying and fulfilling results.

So I guess I would encourage you to just keep working at it and trying to put more time into the relationship because even though it will probably still suck in the near future, in the long run it is more likely to pay dividends.

 

[Joe Bryant]

Hi FBGs



Been around here since almost the beginning but had to create a new account… no access to old email.



Anyway – Help for a heart-sick father.



The story in brief. My ex-wife and I divorced when my daughter was four. When her mom and I were together me and my daughter’s relationship was ok. But after the divorce, we became a lot closer. I got her every other weekend and any other time I could coax out of my ex. From the time she was four until when she was 14 – we were best friends. I would love our weekends together and I thought she did too. We talked on the phone every night she wasn’t with me but our weekends together was like ‘our’ time to party. Stay up late, play video games together, each junk food, go Pokemon hunting together. Like a slumber party every other weekend. It was great. I prided myself on what an awesome relationship we had. It was a big part of my self-identity. I thought I was a good dad. Wasn’t overly-strict, always understanding and protective and supportive. Unfortunately during that time, I did drink a lot… and my daughter was witness to me having too much and occasionally getting stupid. Never violent or anything like that, but I certainly got drunk and perhaps did some stumbling and whatnot. Never, ever drove with her or anything stupid like that, nor put her in any bad situations… but let’s face it, I drank dang near every weekend (to excess). I didn’t see a problem with it. I thought my daughter just sort of understood that’s what her dad did and it wasn’t a big deal.



Well. About 16 months ago, this all changed. It was right after I had met a girl and decided to move in together. I could tell my daughter wasn’t too pleased with the idea. The girl I moved in with was great but she also has a couple of kids, who were total brats. I think my kiddo tried to make the best of it but after two weekends of us staying together in the same house, she told her mom she didn’t want to live with me anymore. After ignoring me for a couple of weeks, she sends me an email, saying that I caused her anxiety, I was a mean person, drank too much and basically wasn’t being a good dad to her. In ending she says that she loves me but doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t want to spend any more time together or even talk at all.



I decided to let her have her way. I could have called the sheriff and had him force her to come visit, but that would have just made the situation worse, I’m sure. So I said, ok, I respect your decision. I think it’s the wrong decision but I respect your ability to make it and I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I then spent the next 4 months crying almost daily. I finally had to get on some antidepressants, which helped ease to torment but it’s still in my head every single day.



We’ve texted a few times since then. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas… she got into playing bass and one of her favorite bands is Rush (who is my favorite too) so we chatted a bit about that. But it’s been maybe ten texts in total since last July. I miss her terribly. I literally cannot put into words how much I miss her. I know some of this is her being a teenager. Hell, I did the same thing to my parents when I was her age, though under different circumstances. Just not sure what to do aside from try to be patient and let her come back to me in her own time.



Would love to hear thoughts from the peanut gallery. Perhaps any of you good folks have the same or similar experience? Am I doomed never to have a relationship with my daughter, of is this a phase kind of thing?



TIA



The original Grey Pilgrim.

Thank you for sharing GB.

Couple of things.

1. Teenage kids are like aliens. You have a sweet 10 year old and all of a sudden something happens. You know this. As you said, you did the same thing yourself. There are all kinds of new issues today with social media and other things, but the reality is this has been going on for a long time. It might not make it any less heartbreaking, but know it's not unusual.

2. The key in my opinion is do everything you can not break relationship. Sounds like it's gone from being best friends with your arms on each other shoulders to now the connection is more like a rope stretched between you that feels fraying. That's ok.

Just do everything you can to not let the rope break.

You can pull her back in even with a frayed rope. But when the rope is broken, it's much more difficult to reestablish the connection.

3. That's great news you've gotten sober. Sounds like that was a thing for her and that's a huge step you've taken in the right direction.

4. Step parenting and figuring out new blended families is a huge challenge. I'd say it's totally normal for a daughter to have negative feelings about a dad's new girlfriend. Especially if her kids are not great.

Obviously, this is a balance and I know nothing about anything, but it may well come down to you having to make a choice. If your daughter is being reasonable, (and that's a lot to unpack there), that might affect how you move forward with the girlfriend. Again, that's impossible for me to know from a distance. But a thought.

I think if it were me, I'd try again with a written message. Those are always best as you don't get off track or interrupted.

I'd let her know how much you value her.

Apologize for the drinking. (Side note apologize directly for what YOU did. Not how for what she might have felt. Not "Sorry you didn't like _____".)

Let her know you listened to her and you've stopped drinking and are more healhty.

Let her know the reason you did all that was to be the best dad for her.

Let her know you love her unconditionally and you want the best for her.

Let her know you're there for her whenever she is ready.

And then maybe start super small. Lunch somewhere. Coffee somewhere. Small stuff.

And then the hardest part is you have to be patient. And don't give her any reason to think what you're saying isn't true.

Sorry to be playing armchair counselor. But I've seen this kind of thing before.

 

[Wildcat]

I divorced when my son was 7. Ex-wife and I had joint custody (week on, week off). Soon after my divorce, I got caught up in an unhealthy relationship with a woman who also had bratty kids. I am no longer with her, thankfully (we were engaged but never married). I have lots of regrets from that time in my life and the time I missed out with my son. Lots I could type, but my best advice is to spend time with your daughter separate from the new relationship and the other kids. Just make it you and her. I tried to "force" my son into a new situation when he was still trying to adjust to the divorce. This was 17 years ago, and I still beat myself up over it.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Apologize for the drinking. (Side note apologize directly for what YOU did. Not how for what she might have felt. Not "Sorry you didn't like _____".)

This right here.

Also, you describe the kids as "bratty". If you think that's what they are like, why would she want to be there? I'm sorry there's no nice way to put this, but she isn't getting benefits from their mom.

 

[snellman]

When parents get divorced, as unrealistic as it may be, kids always have a sliver of hope that mom and dad will get back together. When you move in with or marry another person, that dim light of hope gets blown out and that can be difficult for a child to accept and they may act out as a result of that.

 

[Grey_Pilgrim]

Thanks for the support and advice fellas! Believe it or not the decision to split with the 'new girl' and her family was made already. Aside from issues stemming from that relationship with my daughter... it's just not working out. I'll be back out on my own within the month. I doubt that immediately fixes the problem with my kiddo but it may be a start?

 

[Joe Bryant]

Back when I was doing triathlon stuff, a common phrase we talked about was "STAY IN THE GAME".

Meaning, don't quit. Don't get distracted. Don't give in.

Navy Seals talk about even flipping adversity on it's head and "Embracing the suck". Jocko Willink talks about it here https://youtu.be/IdTMDpizis8?si=t8diHoCXuaFC8OSc

Stay in the game here GB.

 

[jobarules]

If it's me, I try to arrange a lunch or something. Or meet in a park and just hang out. Explain to the daughter that her letter was a wake-up call. And lay out the things that you have done to improve yourself. Because she was right.

And once you get all that out of the way, you can maybe just ask: "Is my new girl a part of the problem?"

And if the answer is yes, that's another potential wake up call for you. To maybe look at things from another direction. As a dad, the LAST thing I would want is to lose my children over another woman. Now granted, my kids also don't get to dictate my life, but to me that would be a major issue.

Not saying your new girl had anything to do with it. Just a thought.

This isnt exactly fair to Grey Pilgrim though. New girl could be a great chick and daughter just not happy to see him in a relationship with someone other than mom. Thats common too.

 

[El Floppo]

GL!

Have you expressed to her everything youve expressed here? It's great you supported her decision... But you've done it at your own expense too. Seems to me you can respect her and her decision and still see her regularly- as her father more than her friend (obviously ideally as both).

I have a 16 and 12 yo and even though I'm in the same house, I can feel the time and relationships slipping by. Don't lose that- fight to get it back

 

[jobarules]

Thanks for the support and advice fellas! Believe it or not the decision to split with the 'new girl' and her family was made already. Aside from issues stemming from that relationship with my daughter... it's just not working out. I'll be back out on my own within the month. I doubt that immediately fixes the problem with my kiddo but it may be a start?

Oh mustve missed this above.

 

[GroveDiesel]

If it's me, I try to arrange a lunch or something. Or meet in a park and just hang out. Explain to the daughter that her letter was a wake-up call. And lay out the things that you have done to improve yourself. Because she was right.

And once you get all that out of the way, you can maybe just ask: "Is my new girl a part of the problem?"

And if the answer is yes, that's another potential wake up call for you. To maybe look at things from another direction. As a dad, the LAST thing I would want is to lose my children over another woman. Now granted, my kids also don't get to dictate my life, but to me that would be a major issue.

Not saying your new girl had anything to do with it. Just a thought.

This seems like great advice to me.

Being honest and letting her know that it was a wake up call for you to examine yourself and that what you found made you decide to make some needed changes in your life and that you’ve been working on those changes since. Let her know that your hope is that the changes will help you be the person you want to be, the father that you want to be, and the one that she deserves.

Your girlfriend situation sounds like it’s resolving itself shortly too. On that one I’d be a bit careful in how you handle it just so that she doesn’t get the impression that she can choose to dictate your relationships. I think a simple acknowledgement that things didn’t work out is probably best there.

And lastly, definitely let her know that you miss her terribly and want to be a part of her life in any way that she is ok with right now. Whether it’s just more frequent texting for now, FaceTiming (would let her see your physical change), or getting together in person even if it’s somewhere neutral. Making sure she knows that you actually miss her, want to spend time with her, and want to be the dad she deserves is important. I think giving her space while you’ve worked on yourself was a good move, but teenagers especially could easily mistake that for you being ok with the status quo and not really caring.

 

[fruity pebbles]

First, sorry. I’ve been a single dad for almost my entire life. I like to think I’m a good father but a terrible husband. Don’t dwell on your mistakes. The drinking I’m glad you got in check. Your daughter undoubtedly feels like you chose the new girlfriend and her bratty kids over her. Ok to have a girlfriend, probably shouldn’t have moved her in unless you had plans to get married. Think now you need to make more of an effort to win her back because she’s not wrong in what she said to you. Hurts but it’s her reality. A few texts over the course of a year isn’t enough. Like someone else said maybe a lunch at first. Later maybe see if she’s willing to go on a trip. Somewhere she’s always wanted to go maybe. You had a bond with her, I think you need to do more to try and get some of that back. May not be successful but try harder.

 

[Klimtology]

Hi FBGs



Been around here since almost the beginning but had to create a new account… no access to old email.



Anyway – Help for a heart-sick father.



The story in brief. My ex-wife and I divorced when my daughter was four. When her mom and I were together me and my daughter’s relationship was ok. But after the divorce, we became a lot closer. I got her every other weekend and any other time I could coax out of my ex. From the time she was four until when she was 14 – we were best friends. I would love our weekends together and I thought she did too. We talked on the phone every night she wasn’t with me but our weekends together was like ‘our’ time to party. Stay up late, play video games together, each junk food, go Pokemon hunting together. Like a slumber party every other weekend. It was great. I prided myself on what an awesome relationship we had. It was a big part of my self-identity. I thought I was a good dad. Wasn’t overly-strict, always understanding and protective and supportive. Unfortunately during that time, I did drink a lot… and my daughter was witness to me having too much and occasionally getting stupid. Never violent or anything like that, but I certainly got drunk and perhaps did some stumbling and whatnot. Never, ever drove with her or anything stupid like that, nor put her in any bad situations… but let’s face it, I drank dang near every weekend (to excess). I didn’t see a problem with it. I thought my daughter just sort of understood that’s what her dad did and it wasn’t a big deal.



Well. About 16 months ago, this all changed. It was right after I had met a girl and decided to move in together. I could tell my daughter wasn’t too pleased with the idea. The girl I moved in with was great but she also has a couple of kids, who were total brats. I think my kiddo tried to make the best of it but after two weekends of us staying together in the same house, she told her mom she didn’t want to live with me anymore. After ignoring me for a couple of weeks, she sends me an email, saying that I caused her anxiety, I was a mean person, drank too much and basically wasn’t being a good dad to her. In ending she says that she loves me but doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t want to spend any more time together or even talk at all.



I decided to let her have her way. I could have called the sheriff and had him force her to come visit, but that would have just made the situation worse, I’m sure. So I said, ok, I respect your decision. I think it’s the wrong decision but I respect your ability to make it and I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I then spent the next 4 months crying almost daily. I finally had to get on some antidepressants, which helped ease to torment but it’s still in my head every single day.



We’ve texted a few times since then. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas… she got into playing bass and one of her favorite bands is Rush (who is my favorite too) so we chatted a bit about that. But it’s been maybe ten texts in total since last July. I miss her terribly. I literally cannot put into words how much I miss her. I know some of this is her being a teenager. Hell, I did the same thing to my parents when I was her age, though under different circumstances. Just not sure what to do aside from try to be patient and let her come back to me in her own time.



Would love to hear thoughts from the peanut gallery. Perhaps any of you good folks have the same or similar experience? Am I doomed never to have a relationship with my daughter, of is this a phase kind of thing?



TIA



The original Grey Pilgrim.

Hey,

You stole my username!

 

[Grey_Pilgrim]

Apologize for the drinking. (Side note apologize directly for what YOU did. Not how for what she might have felt. Not "Sorry you didn't like _____".)

This right here.

Also, you describe the kids as "bratty". If you think that's what they are like, why would she want to be there? I'm sorry there's no nice way to put this, but she isn't getting benefits from their mom.

Well, my daughter swore up and down that she liked my GF and was ok with the kids... but I'm pretty sure she was just being polite.

 

[Grey_Pilgrim]

GL!

Have you expressed to her everything youve expressed here? It's great you supported her decision... But you've done it at your own expense too. Seems to me you can respect her and her decision and still see her regularly- as her father more than her friend (obviously ideally as both).

I have a 16 and 12 yo and even though I'm in the same house, I can feel the time and relationships slipping by. Don't lose that- fight to get it back

Hey Floppo. Trust me, I sure did. She wouldn't speak to me so I emailed her half a dozen times. Apologizing, told her I'd try to change my attitude and all that. She just doesn't really want anything to do with me right now. 95% of my texts to her just get ignored.

 

[jobarules]

How are things with your ex? Is it possible you can talk to your ex about this?

 

[Dinsy Ejotuz]

Don't have anything to add to the great advice you've gotten, but I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Odds are she'll come around once she's older, but my heart hurts for you right now.

 

[Hoh]

GL!

Have you expressed to her everything youve expressed here? It's great you supported her decision... But you've done it at your own expense too. Seems to me you can respect her and her decision and still see her regularly- as her father more than her friend (obviously ideally as both).

I have a 16 and 12 yo and even though I'm in the same house, I can feel the time and relationships slipping by. Don't lose that- fight to get it back

Hey Floppo. Trust me, I sure did. She wouldn't speak to me so I emailed her half a dozen times. Apologizing, told her I'd try to change my attitude and all that. She just doesn't really want anything to do with me right now. 95% of my texts to her just get ignored.

For what it’s worth I have a great relationship with my daughters and 95% of my texts get ignored.

ETA: meaning I would credit that to her generation more than the strength of your relationship. Kids just choose to ignore texts. It’s maddening.

 

[Ilov80s]

Is it possible you may have also said or done some thing(s) when drunk that you don’t remember that were mean or harmful to her?

That’s a pretty big swing in her feelings she might feel like you’ve chosen a new family over her. Did she meet the new GF and kids prior to them moving in? Did you discuss the idea with her first? It’s also just sometimes how teens are. I’m sure she has a life of her own now and the whole go spend the weekend somewhere else with your parent can completely interfere with that life. Perhaps it’s just easier for her to end the relationship than to always feel guilty or pressure to give up her life to spend time with you. Of course that hurts but it’s also kind of normal for the age.

 

[Desert_Power]

Theres no playbook for this but I can tell you Ive seen several situations where the kid does a complete turn and comes back out of nowhere. So have faith that this will get better - hang in there!

This happened with my uncle and cousin. He's the type that drinks a lot and gets angry when doing it, so that may have been part of it. When he got divorced from his first wife (her mother) it was really rocky between them. She moved in with her mother and her new husband. Eventually, she followed them up to Michigan.

Turns out she is back living with him and his new wife in SC. Quite the turnaround.

 

[Judge Smails]

I agree with Joe. Just let her know that you will always love her unconditionally and you will be there for her. Do not cut the rope and permanently break the relationship.

I'm having to play the long game in a very different situation. Adult son married an insecure and controlling wife. She has basically put up a wall between them and our entire family. He feels he is "protecting" her. We've done absolutely nothing. It is such BS. They live 12 minutes away and I've seen him and our 2 grand daughters 5 times in 2 years. It's been the most soul crushing thing my wife and I have ever gone through. He's not responding to calls, texts, etc. My message is "was thinking of you, love you, wanted to reconnect and hoping you are open to the same.......".

Relationship with our other 2 kids is phenomenal. Close as you can be. Every other aspect of our live is awesome right now, but the depth of sadness when you are alienated from your kids and grandkids is hard to put into words. It consumes your thoughts. Lots of tears. The saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest kid is true.

Have worked with a therapist to help us and reading books for help.

In your case, I agree with a breakfast or lunch to try and have a conversation. Express your love and how you want to be the best Dad possible. Starts with working on yourself, which you have done. Apologize for the drinking. Ask for another chance. Tough to say because you have to live your life, but I wouldn't be living with another woman while she is with you. Keep separate houses if at all possible. Unless you have found the one and there is no doubt she will be great for your daughter as well.

 

[Phil Elliott]

Have you tried reaching out to her to tell her how much you miss her and asking her what you need to do to fix the relationship? Obviously getting sober is #1.

Also, a lot of this is just normal teenage ****. It will get better. Keep texting her.

This. Keep the communications open. Also curtail the drinking. Maybe eventually try a day visit or weekend visit when the new girlfriend's kids aren't around.

 

[Phil Elliott]

GL!

Have you expressed to her everything youve expressed here? It's great you supported her decision... But you've done it at your own expense too. Seems to me you can respect her and her decision and still see her regularly- as her father more than her friend (obviously ideally as both).

I have a 16 and 12 yo and even though I'm in the same house, I can feel the time and relationships slipping by. Don't lose that- fight to get it back

Hey Floppo. Trust me, I sure did. She wouldn't speak to me so I emailed her half a dozen times. Apologizing, told her I'd try to change my attitude and all that. She just doesn't really want anything to do with me right now. 95% of my texts to her just get ignored.

But probably not "un-noticed".

 

[Zow]

Im a divorce attorney - I see this often, especially with teens and I hate it because there is no easy answer.

Teens go through a lot of phases and its not uncommon for them to jump from loving/hating parent to parent depending on multiple factors. Ive had clients fight through the court to force time and it rarely is productive. I think your approach to respect her wishes is a good one. I personally think she doesnt like your wife and new kids and is using the drinking as an excuse.

My advice is to keep trying without it being over the top. Since she is not comfortable in your home Id take Chiefs advice and offer to meet up out of the house - lunch, movie, snack, etc. Show her you took her concerns seriously and addressed them. I would keep the communications open more than you have been but not overwhelm her. You have to do what is most difficult - give it time. What feels like an eternity to you is nothing to a teen. Keep showing you are there for her and willing to wait. If shes open to joint therapy it may be a good place to start so she can feel comfortable communicating.

Theres no playbook for this but I can tell you Ive seen several situations where the kid does a complete turn and comes back out of nowhere. So have faith that this will get better - hang in there!

I'm one as well, I also see this often, and would echo all of these sentiments. As long as you continue to love her and try reasonably to maintain the relationship she will come back around.

While you didn't mention it and I obviously don't know your situation, the one possibility at play here - because I see it pretty often - is that you getting a new girlfriend with kids has probably upset your daughter's mom and your daughter, while not fairly, has seen this pain in her mom and unfairly blames you and has decided to shut you out to make her mom happy. I am thinking this may be the case because your posts mentions no efforts by your daughter's mom to help support your relationship. You daughter and her mom may be presently codependent on each other.

 

[Zow]

Thanks for the support and advice fellas! Believe it or not the decision to split with the 'new girl' and her family was made already. Aside from issues stemming from that relationship with my daughter... it's just not working out. I'll be back out on my own within the month. I doubt that immediately fixes the problem with my kiddo but it may be a start?

Didn't see this post until after I wrote my last one. Does your daughter know your relationship is ending or has ended?

 

[Zow]

I divorced when my son was 7. Ex-wife and I had joint custody (week on, week off). Soon after my divorce, I got caught up in an unhealthy relationship with a woman who also had bratty kids. I am no longer with her, thankfully (we were engaged but never married). I have lots of regrets from that time in my life and the time I missed out with my son. Lots I could type, but my best advice is to spend time with your daughter separate from the new relationship and the other kids. Just make it you and her. I tried to "force" my son into a new situation when he was still trying to adjust to the divorce. This was 17 years ago, and I still beat myself up over it.

Don't kill yourself over this. Yes, it sucks, but so many people also make this mistake as it's a very natural and easy one to make. Your kid will forgive you if he hasn't already so you need to forgive yourself and make the best of the time you have now.

 

[John Maddens Lunchbox]

Every parent at some stage has said in retrospect “well theres some permanent psychological damage” as a result of a parenting moment or decision.
It happens. 99% of parents try to do the best they can with the knowledge they have.
Its hard work. Its important work. But we all make mistakes.

Acknowledging that is the start. Aiming to be the best parent you can be is all that matters.

 

[Goldminer1]

My 2 Cents:

I'm the child of divorce and don't have a great relationship with my Dad. One reason? Every single time I reach out to him, the conversation is immediately turned to apologies and heavy emotional stuff. When you meet up with your daughter, you need to send a "pre-meeting" message that you will not bring up any heavy emotional stuff, unless she does, and then stick to that.

Even though, you are both upset with each other, you need to put that on the backburner and just go to a ballgame and hang out. Will there be an elephant in the room? Maybe at first, but once that initial weirdness is over, it will just be like it was before, and all of a sudden it's just you and her hanging out at a ballgame. You need to get back to square one, just being her Dad and her being your daughter.

Think of it like re-learning how to swim. You don't just jump into the deep end of the pool, it is okay to start by wading into the shallow end. Going from essentially no-contact to big heavy conversation with each other is a really weird and tough transition to make. Ease into it. And tell her that, that it is your plan. I know from experience that if she agrees to hang out with you, she will constantly be feeling like there is some big emotional conversation bomb that is about to drop. Re-assure her that, that will not be happening, unless she wants it to happen. She needs to feel safe with you, emotionally.

This isn't going to get fixed with a lunch or a coffee. It is going to take time. So, knowing that, give it time. Don't force it. Go get a sandwhich, and just let it be getting a sandwhich. Talk about the weather, about your football team, whatever. And, once you promise not to bring up the emotional stuff -absolutely do not- crack and bring it up unless she does. You mentioned that she said that you and/or the situation was giving her "anxiety." She will probably feel that way with you for awhile. Inviting her out to get lunch and then trying to make-up for all of your "mistakes" (you're human, don't beat yourself up) in an hour, isn't going to help her anxiety.

I'm a dude, I'm a problem solver. I get it. But sometimes solving the problem requires a longer term approach.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Kids are told what to do, think, say, etc.
Good job by you to give her the power to make her own decision.
Best advice I can offer is to send her the link to this thread and tell her it is her decision, but her decision has consequences.
Make sure she knows the consequences of her decision but respect her decision.

 

[Wildcat]

I divorced when my son was 7. Ex-wife and I had joint custody (week on, week off). Soon after my divorce, I got caught up in an unhealthy relationship with a woman who also had bratty kids. I am no longer with her, thankfully (we were engaged but never married). I have lots of regrets from that time in my life and the time I missed out with my son. Lots I could type, but my best advice is to spend time with your daughter separate from the new relationship and the other kids. Just make it you and her. I tried to "force" my son into a new situation when he was still trying to adjust to the divorce. This was 17 years ago, and I still beat myself up over it.

Don't kill yourself over this. Yes, it sucks, but so many people also make this mistake as it's a very natural and easy one to make. Your kid will forgive you if he hasn't already so you need to forgive yourself and make the best of the time you have now.

Thank you for the kind words. He and I are very close now. He has forgiven me. God has forgiven me. And I know if they both do, I should forgive myself.

 

[Zow]

Kids are told what to do, think, say, etc.
Good job by you to give her the power to make her own decision.
Best advice I can offer is to send her the link to this thread and tell her it is her decision, but her decision has consequences.
Make sure she knows the consequences of her decision but respect her decision.

Uh, you think she wants to know that her dad is talking to random internet strangers about her?

 

[Joe Bryant]

I agree with Joe. Just let her know that you will always love her unconditionally and you will be there for her. Do not cut the rope and permanently break the relationship.

I'm having to play the long game in a very different situation. Adult son married an insecure and controlling wife. She has basically put up a wall between them and our entire family. He feels he is "protecting" her. We've done absolutely nothing. It is such BS. They live 12 minutes away and I've seen him and our 2 grand daughters 5 times in 2 years. It's been the most soul crushing thing my wife and I have ever gone through. He's not responding to calls, texts, etc. My message is "was thinking of you, love you, wanted to reconnect and hoping you are open to the same.......".

Relationship with our other 2 kids is phenomenal. Close as you can be. Every other aspect of our live is awesome right now, but the depth of sadness when you are alienated from your kids and grandkids is hard to put into words. It consumes your thoughts. Lots of tears. The saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest kid is true.

Have worked with a therapist to help us and reading books for help.

In your case, I agree with a breakfast or lunch to try and have a conversation. Express your love and how you want to be the best Dad possible. Starts with working on yourself, which you have done. Apologize for the drinking. Ask for another chance. Tough to say because you have to live your life, but I wouldn't be living with another woman while she is with you. Keep separate houses if at all possible. Unless you have found the one and there is no doubt she will be great for your daughter as well.

Hang in there GB. You know what to do and that's keep on what you're doing. Stay patient and keep the rope of connection uncut. I'm sorry you and your wife are having to deal with that.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Kids are told what to do, think, say, etc.
Good job by you to give her the power to make her own decision.
Best advice I can offer is to send her the link to this thread and tell her it is her decision, but her decision has consequences.
Make sure she knows the consequences of her decision but respect her decision.

Uh, you think she wants to know that her dad is talking to random internet strangers about her?

I think that their is nothing here to be ashamed of and that she could see how much he cares about her. People care about this situation because that is what people do, we care.

 

[Da Guru]

The OP hurts me to no end.

I have 2 daughters who I adore, both out of college and married. To this day they both either call or text me every single day. To read your post I would be heart broken to lose that.

One thing, unless you are dead things can always change. Never give up.

My daughters have seen me drink too much, and many other stupid things. That is what we do at times.

That did not bother your daughter too much before the new relationship and now competing with a new woman other kids it does. Just slowly chip away and text her you love and miss her as much as you feel comfortable with. She only has one dad. Don`t give up.

 

[Jaysus]

Hang in there GB. You know what to do and that's keep on what you're doing. Stay patient and keep the rope of connection uncut. I'm sorry you and your wife are having to deal with that.

I love that analogy

godspeed Grey Pilgrim.