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How Much Do You Fight/Argue With Your Wife/SO (1 Viewer)

P

Prince Myshkin

Footballguy
I have a buddy that is always talking about fights he gets into with his wife.  Most of our other married buddies give him the "been there, done that/welcome to my world" spill.  Is this the norm for marriages???  My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years now (+3 years of serious dating) and I can only remember 3 actual arguments.  No way I could live a constant argument or a constant walking-on-eggshells environment...Do most people really argue with their spouse on a daily or weekly basis?  If so, what are the arguments about???

Apologies if this is a Honda.  Mastery of the new search function still eludes me.

 
That's alright -- this thing's gotta happen every five years or so -- ten years -- helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know you got to stop them at the beginning, like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich, They should never've let him get away with that. They were just asking for big trouble. 

 
If marriage has taught me anything, it's the ability to pick my battles and let things go. When my wife says something critical I just ignore it. Sometimes I will get annoyed by the unfairness of it -- she can voice any and every complaint she ever has, but if I do so, it's a major issue. That line from As Good As It Gets is true about women -- think of a man, and remove reason and accountability. 

Huge blowups are pretty rare though. When they happen, I'm the one apologizing 100% of the time even if the fight started because she was being a royal #####. Most fights get extended/intensified because she's being petty or refusing to let something go. Over the years I've gotten much better at diagnosing and defusing these eruptions before they get out of control. I've learned swallowing a little pride is much preferable to an endless screaming match over something I really don't care about. 

Lately I've gotten pretty bad at listening though. I'll tune out entire conversations and get called out for it. At least once a day she'll get exasperated when I ask a question about something we just discussed yesterday.

 
McGarnicle said:
If marriage has taught me anything, it's the ability to pick my battles and let things go. When my wife says something critical I just ignore it. Sometimes I will get annoyed by the unfairness of it -- she can voice any and every complaint she ever has, but if I do so, it's a major issue. That line from As Good As It Gets is true about women -- think of a man, and remove reason and accountability. 

Huge blowups are pretty rare though. When they happen, I'm the one apologizing 100% of the time even if the fight started because she was being a royal #####. Most fights get extended/intensified because she's being petty or refusing to let something go. Over the years I've gotten much better at diagnosing and defusing these eruptions before they get out of control. I've learned swallowing a little pride is much preferable to an endless screaming match over something I really don't care about. 

Lately I've gotten pretty bad at listening though. I'll tune out entire conversations and get called out for it. At least once a day she'll get exasperated when I ask a question about something we just discussed yesterday.
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Heard a comedian say "If you are married, you can be right or you can be happy. You can't be both."  

I suppose there are some things that I just let slide that could turn into an argument, but I'm also sure she does the same.  I'm thinking I just got lucky this whole marriage thing...

 
We never fight. Very rarely argue. Hardly even disagree and when we do its opinions and he can have his and I can have mine. He doesn't complain that I'm not a great housekeeper. I don't complain that he is too into fantasy soccer and games with the kids (Pokémon go, Star Wars something). We get along well and make up for each others weaknesses. Neither of us are explosive except I will get loud with the kids. I don't think drama and all that is a good thing. 

 
It all depends on what you mean by fight/argue.  If you mean literally yelling at each other, that probably happens once a year.  It usually involves either the kids or money.  We've only had maybe 1 or 2 ever that were "I'm not sleeping in the same room as you tonight".  Married 17 years.

 
I've been married 30 years and I don't think I've ever yelled at my wife.  We don't fight.  We talk through disagreements for the most part.  One area we are working on is we don't communicate well initially when one of us is frustrated.   We both can go silent for a brief period  (usually on my end it's because I need more of the secks and I pout like a teenager), then we talk it out. So we can work on communicating more quickly.  But we're great friends.  We don't argue about money.  Maybe because we both came from nothing and so we appreciate what we have.  She is not a spender.  Great mom.  There's nothing for me to fight about.  And I tend to hold up my end of the bargain.  Our priorities are aligned.  If it's anything we're proud of it's that we modeled what a good relationship looks like for our kids.  All 3 will be getting engaged soon and are with great potential life partners.  They've broken off relationships that where someone yells, is too possessive, etc.  We've told them and showed them that yelling and fighting is not normal for healthy relationships.  You can have disagreements without the screaming and name calling.

 
Almost never. I can count on one hand the number of times things have actually gotten heated in an argument, and two of those were with crazy pregnancy hormones. My wife is the coolest woman I ever met. That's why she's my wife.

 
Judge Smails said:
I've been married 30 years and I don't think I've ever yelled at my wife.  We don't fight.  We talk through disagreements for the most part.  One area we are working on is we don't communicate well initially when one of us is frustrated.   We both can go silent for a brief period  (usually on my end it's because I need more of the secks and I pout like a teenager), then we talk it out. So we can work on communicating more quickly.  But we're great friends.  We don't argue about money.  Maybe because we both came from nothing and so we appreciate what we have.  She is not a spender.  Great mom.  There's nothing for me to fight about.  And I tend to hold up my end of the bargain.  Our priorities are aligned.  If it's anything we're proud of it's that we modeled what a good relationship looks like for our kids.  All 3 will be getting engaged soon and are with great potential life partners.  They've broken off relationships that where someone yells, is too possessive, etc.  We've told them and showed them that yelling and fighting is not normal for healthy relationships.  You can have disagreements without the screaming and name calling.
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Think the bolded part is the key.  I'm pretty sure the buddy I mentioned never really liked his wife...he just thought she was hot and she was willing to have the secks on a regular basis with him.  Not a great foundation for the long term

 
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  

 
Sabertooth said:
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  
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Either that, or they might be gentleman, who put their children above all else, & therefore appear to be "doormats".  

 
Was married to a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Fights became daily.  If I ignored or walked out on her fight that would lead to a fight.  No item was too small to start a fight about.     

 
jon_mx said:
Was married to a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Fights became daily.  If I ignored or walked out on her fight that would lead to a fight.  No item was too small to start a fight about.     
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Glad you got free from  that hell.  

 
It's been over 10 years since we had even the slightest argument. We never had kids, money isn't an issue and my wife is no drama queen. We have a great time together and there's no reason to argue.

 
Once a year we will have a mini spat over something really stupid. Then we make up and screw like drunk monkeys. 

 
McGarnicle said:
If marriage has taught me anything, it's the ability to pick my battles and let things go. When my wife says something critical I just ignore it. Sometimes I will get annoyed by the unfairness of it -- she can voice any and every complaint she ever has, but if I do so, it's a major issue. That line from As Good As It Gets is true about women -- think of a man, and remove reason and accountability. 

Huge blowups are pretty rare though. When they happen, I'm the one apologizing 100% of the time even if the fight started because she was being a royal #####. Most fights get extended/intensified because she's being petty or refusing to let something go. Over the years I've gotten much better at diagnosing and defusing these eruptions before they get out of control. I've learned swallowing a little pride is much preferable to an endless screaming match over something I really don't care about. 

Lately I've gotten pretty bad at listening though. I'll tune out entire conversations and get called out for it. At least once a day she'll get exasperated when I ask a question about something we just discussed yesterday.
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Agree with your first line and last paragraph.  Otherwise?  Yikes 

Sabertooth said:
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  
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We discuss a lot, some would call it arguing but I don't remember the last time tempers flared.  It's happened, mostly early in our marriage - the one time I remember was stupid, I was going for a run in the rain and she was worried that it was unsafe (ok, it was a thunderstorm).  She knows I'm going to voice my opinion when I care about something and on most things we either agree, can at last understand the other perspective and meet in the middle, or one of us just doesn't care that much about the issue.   She's mostly rationale, and I know the subjects she won't bend on, and she knows mine.  She also knows that emotions aren't going to get me to do what she wants, but as a lawyer I follow the evidence and logical arguments.  She's gotten pretty good with that. 

For example,  the last significant issue we argued/discussed was that she wanted to adopt a daughter from China (we have 4 sons). I didn't want another kid and my mentality was China can take care of their own orphans.  If we decide to adopt let's go with an African country or domestic.  But after she rationally showed me how much of a pain in the ### domestic adoption can be (especially long term with bio birth rights), and that with African countries the process is sometimes even worse, how China has a much easier process, and the timing is actually right now, she eventually convinced me.  

 
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Before children, relatively rarely - maybe once every other week..   Since the day child 1 came, it's been a lot tougher.  The lack of sleep, then child two.. more lack of sleep...  life a lot less fun...  both parties heated
 some of the time...  has led to more frequent issues.

Wife has some self-admitted anger issues though, so that certainly contributes.  I do try to pick battles as I'm not argumentative at all... but I refuse to be a doormat.

 
Sabertooth said:
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  
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I wouldn't say I'm a doormat husband because we rarely argue.  In the past 10 years I think my wife and I have learned what each other's strengths are in the relationship.  

The other thing as others have said is knowing your not going to win every argument, so you pick your fights.  For me by picking my battles and rarely argue she knows when I hold firm on something I'm serious and vice versa. 

 
Sabertooth said:
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  
Click to expand...
I just don't see what there is to fight about??? 

Money, sex, and parenting decisions would be about the only topics I can really see worth arguing about and we are fortunate enough to be compatible on all of those.  

 
Sabertooth said:
Sounds like a lot of doormat husbands in here who are afraid to stick up for themselves.  It's ok to have an opinion fellas.  McGarnicle sounds about right.  You can't fight over everything but I have a hard time believing that people are so simpatico that they simply agree on everything.  
Click to expand...
Your shtick is tired, Macho Man.  

I've been with my wife for a total of 19 years and we've yelled at each other once (pre-marriage; I was a drinking fool).  Since marriage (12yrs), we've never had a shouting match or had one sleep in a different bed/room/whatever.  We've disagreed on plenty of things, but handle it like adults without letting egos get in the way.  

 
anyone who says "my wife and i never fight" is lying

it's ok to have a disagreement once in a while. it's healthy even.

 
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Like Dentist said.  Never used to fight.

Kids + my making her go back to work.. she has some resentment built up that I don't understand, which in turn is building up resentment on my end.

Blame has to be assigned for everything these days.  Now when she "wants to talk" it is only a trap to get me to accept that blame.  We used to be able to have these discussions + makeup sexes... now making up (me accepting blame) is just another way for her to build resentment.

We don't have a lot of huge blowups.. mostly just constant nagging about little stuff.  This morning it was a knife left on the counter... I let it go for the most part but eventually I give her what she is waiting for, a reaction that she invariably interprets as accepting blame so she can pile on.

 
mr. furley said:
anyone who says "my wife and i never fight" is lying

it's ok to have a disagreement once in a while. it's healthy even.
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It all depends on the definition of 'fight'. Also whether there are unresolved issues that go ignored in the name of 'peace.'

 
I think guys can trade a couple jabs and let it go/forget it.. only to find out later (way later) that the wife is still stewing over it.

Or maybe that is just me.

 
Ned said:
Your shtick is tired, Macho Man.  

I've been with my wife for a total of 19 years and we've yelled at each other once (pre-marriage; I was a drinking fool).  Since marriage (12yrs), we've never had a shouting match or had one sleep in a different bed/room/whatever.  We've disagreed on plenty of things, but handle it like adults without letting egos get in the way.  
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If there's one piece of advice I'd impart on newly married couples, it's this.  When you are more concerned with appearances - whether that's not being a doormat or just not wanting to argue, your marriage is in trouble.  Maybe not immediately but frustration builds and if you let your ego control your actions, you will lose, every time, over time. 

 
Thanks for reminding me to fight with the wife... for the makeup sex... now what can I pick a fight about???

Seriously, we disagree more than we fight. Unfortunately the disagreements that we are having lately are pretty fundamental ones regarding her kids and our household. Not really the kind of thing that leads to an all out yelling and screaming match, but more like the so we agree to disagree even after long adult discussions. . :kicksrock:

 
The key IMO is to be like a cornerback and have a short memory.  Don't let previous fights or things said linger in your head and certainly don't carry them over to the next time you have a disagreement.  

 
Rarely.  And when we do, they are usually just a minor disagreement.  Zero drama in our house, which is great because my last relationship was a train wreck. 

 
apalmer said:
It's entirely possible for intelligent adults to disagree without fighting.
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and here's where it veers off in to semantics

one person thinks a fight means coming to blows.

someone else thinks of a debate as a fight.

another thinks that a simple disagreement (i like my steak medium rare, you like yours medium well) is a fight.

to suggest that only idiots argue/disagree/fight is pretty insulting. it's human nature to have one's own opinion and sometimes that results in disagreement. disagreements sometimes lead to fights. 

if "intelligent adults" disagreed without fighting then we'd never have violence or war. 

just my opinion, but if you have never fought with your spouse then you're both holding down feelings, opinions and thoughts that would probably be best expressed before they explode.

it's not human nature to hold everything in. bad for the organs and all that. always playing the nice guy, "doing the right thing", going out of your way to "make sure your s.o. is happy" while sacrificing your own well being.... bad, bad, bad. for your mental and physical health.

 
FUBAR said:
If there's one piece of advice I'd impart on newly married couples, it's this.  When you are more concerned with appearances - whether that's not being a doormat or just not wanting to argue, your marriage is in trouble.  Maybe not immediately but frustration builds and if you let your ego control your actions, you will lose, every time, over time. 
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my in-laws are this way. they go way way way out of their way to keep up appearances. to hear them tell it, they are the perfect couple united under god in a harmonious marriage that is a model for all.

but the quick, silent glares across the table. the interrupting of each other's sentences to finish them with some positive mumbo-jumbo. their constant need to paint the picture that they lead a perfect life. blech. i've never heard them so much as say the word 'no' to each other. but it's obvious when they are swallowing words when something happens that many people would disagree about.

a couple years back my BIL went to the hospital. the story was that he had the flu and just needed to get some antibiotics. a couple weeks later he came home... without the wife... and told us he was going broke, his marriage was falling apart,  he was working 80-100 hours a week to keep up with the mortgage and wife's medication.... his heart was failing... his body was shutting down from the stress... he had been seeing a shrink.... they'd been in real trouble the last few years and he didn't know what to do.

MIL was flabbergasted. "you guys are so perfect together!". 

"yeah, but when we're at home we fight like crazy because everything is falling down around us. we're drowning and she refuses to deal with it."

living a phony life will kill you

 
mr. furley said:
i think i've pinpointed your issue
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Yea, a large part of it for sure.  But we talked and she agreed to it.  Now she can't go back.. her salary is our (her) play money. She isn't willing to forgo her expensive purses and girls weekends etc, but she hates that she has to work for them.

"Made her" go back to work isn't correct.  She made the choice.  I just made it clear what the choice was.

 
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Baloney Sandwich said:
The key IMO is to be like a cornerback and have a short memory.  Don't let previous fights or things said linger in your head and certainly don't carry them over to the next time you have a disagreement.  
Click to expand...
and people say football is bad

have enough concussions and you solve the memory problem

win/win

 
I think "fight" is the wrong word. My wife (of 23 years) and I have a lot of disagreements, but that mainly stems from the fact we are two completely opposite personality types. I tend to be a glass half full guy and she is the opposite and frankly as the years go along, she is getting worse and worse which further widens the divide between us. I just view life as too short to be sad or upset at things and she seems to like to wallow in it.

I would say the actual fights we have stem from money--our teenage daughter has spent us into a pretty big hole and now she is looking at us to fund college. This leads to my wife wanting to live in the past and say why did we do this or that? I reply with the standard what is done is done, let's just focus on the solution, which absolutely sets her off. I believe there is a solution to everything and getting bogged down in the problem isn't productive, but she has that brain where if I don't totally embrace and get sad over the problem, then I am being aloof and uncaring over the situation,.

 
We argue, but it's more 1 sided.  Aka, me getting yelled at.  I guess that's to be expected when your better half is a latina spitfire.

 
jon_mx said:
Was married to a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Fights became daily.  If I ignored or walked out on her fight that would lead to a fight.  No item was too small to start a fight about.     
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Ditto, and my ex falls on the milder side of that spectrum.   I can't imagine what being married to someone on the more severe side is like.

 
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