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How Much Time Do You Spend With Your In Laws? (1 Viewer)

Paris

Paris

Footballguy
This topic came up at my house with heated discussion and debate. The topic focused on what is an appropriate amount of time for a spouse to spend with in-laws. That's the general question I am curious about and how much time people typically spend with their in laws over the course of a year (especially for in laws that are not local).

In my particular case, here are the specifics . . .

- My in laws primary residence is 1,000 miles away. Their secondary house is 1,300 miles away.
- They used to live in the same town as us, but 8 years ago they chose to move away from their kids and grand kids.
- I am self-employed, so any time off is 100% unpaid (meaning no income at all in that time).
- My parents died long ago, so my spouse doesn't have to visit them.
- My in laws don't come see us all that much, so going to visit them either involves the expense of flying or the inconvenience of driving.
- When with her parents, I am generally excluded from decision-making and am mostly just along for the ride (very little in common with my in laws so discussions are very superficial).
- In addition to home visits, my wife usually wants to vacation somewhere with her parents or extended family (between them they pick the destination . . . and we pay our own way).

My wife's position is I should be available to visit her parents as much as she wants. When pressed for what that translates to, she said a minimum of 4-6 weeks a year (and more if there are family events, reunions, big trips, etc.). I am getting the "they won't be around forever" speech (both are 65-70 years old). In her mind, I should want to spend as much time with her parents because "it is important to her and keeps her happy."

Of course, I mentioned that I can't take that much time off of work. I also said she is monopolizing our free time by constantly trying to see her parents (and grabbing extra time with her family because she doesn't have to see mine).

This all popped up because my usual time with her parents each year has been around 2 weeks (some years 3 weeks), which I felt was ample and sufficient given the circumstances. She usually takes another week or two to see them without me, but apparently that's "embarrassing" and "causes problems" when I don't always go with her.

So two part question . . . 1) if you are married, how much time do you spend with your in laws and 2) in my situation, is my wife demanding / expecting too much?

 
1. My mother-in-law lives with us (too much).  We see my father-in-law maybe 3 times a year for a weekend each (too little).

2. She is not really being reasonable.  Your marriage is the primary thing with parents, siblings and extended family being secondary.  If it requires that much effort on your part to visit, those should be limited to 2 and at most 3 times per year.  If it were me, I'd have trouble going more than once per year.

 
That doesn't sound very fair. You don't work, you don't earn $. That is a pretty simple equation so it should not be an issue if she goes without you for a week or two and you are there for the other 2-3 weeks. If it is an issue,  invite them to come see you and that way you can work during the day but be around a few hours in the evening, over a weekend, just take a day off for a long weekend and not committ to a week long vernture

As for me, my parents are 500 miles away and we have a very strained relationship so we don't go visit and they don't come see us

My wife's parents lives a few miles away. We probably see them 1x a week maybe more, maybe less, depending upon what is going on. They are really good about showing up for events for the grandkids ( not just ours but both of my wife's sisters kids as well). My wife likes to spend one night every couple weekends with her parents and sisters - someone will cook for the masses, whoever can be there shows up, etc. - most of the time I go along with it and we host all major holidays.  Sometimes we will have a gathering ( usually winter months when it sucks outside) multiple weekends in a row and other times there is more of a gap.  There are times when I have made plans in advance or frankly, just  don't feel like it and my wife understands that I don't need to make every single gathering but I put forth an honest effort and am there more often than not and she is good with that.

So average is probably 1.5x per week i see my inlaws for 30 minutes or more. 

 
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None.  They live in Milwaukee and I live far enough away.  They are very kind and generous folks to a fault.  Even when I go to Milwaukee, I stay at a hotel and let Mrs. O hang out with them and I do my own thing.  She’s headed to Milwaukee this Wednesday to see them.  I’m heading to Vegas on Friday.  Who’s got the better trip?  :pickle:

 
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My wife has 6 siblings. One lives a half hour away, the others all live within 10 minutes of us, including the mom and dad. I see at least one of them nearly every single day. That said, there is zero issue when I dont want to go to functions or leave before my wife does. We've been together 25+ years without incident. 

 
Your wife is being completely unreasonable.  When i was married, we would split holidays (usually thanksgiving with my folks and xmas with hers).  Each of our parents would come out 1-2x per year (both of our parents live around 400 miles away) so lets say 1-2 weeks per year.  4-6 weeks, how in the world does anyone have that much time.  What does your wife do that she has so much free time?  Can you have her parents come to your home more often?

 
Juxtatarot said:
I don't understand this part.
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She has a pretty big family. There is always something going on every few months . . . weddings, funerals, new babies, confirmations, bah mitzvahs, graduations, anniversary parties, retirements, etc. Apparently she has gotten grief from people asking where I am for these functions and events. I have gone to some of that stuff but usually pass when it involves someone I met once 15 years ago.

 
My parents, not that often. Like once a month. They live close but it’s not how my family rolls. My in laws are also very close and would hang out everyday if they could. We see them about every other weekend in the spring, summer, fall. In the winter they take off for Cancun so I just see them when I visit for a week around NY. Luckily, they mostly just like to eat and drink good food and booze so it’s a good time.

 
Paris said:
She has a pretty big family. There is always something going on every few months . . . weddings, funerals, new babies, confirmations, bah mitzvahs, graduations, anniversary parties, retirements, etc. Apparently she has gotten grief from people asking where I am for these functions and events. I have gone to some of that stuff but usually pass when it involves someone I met once 15 years ago.
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My wife's family is smaller, but man do they milk those opportunities - "we need to travel and stay a week with the family because it's Aunt Susie's 43rd anniversary of her Buick getting painted" 

 
sbonomo said:
Your wife is being completely unreasonable.  When i was married, we would split holidays (usually thanksgiving with my folks and xmas with hers).  Each of our parents would come out 1-2x per year (both of our parents live around 400 miles away) so lets say 1-2 weeks per year.  4-6 weeks, how in the world does anyone have that much time.  What does your wife do that she has so much free time?  Can you have her parents come to your home more often?
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She gets 4 weeks of vacation plus additional sick time. But she gets a lot of 3 day weekends and always works a 4 day work week, So quite often she has 4 days off in a row on holiday weekends and then tacks on couple of vacation days. Or she will change the day she has off the following week, so she basically can have 7 days off in a row and only use 2 vacation days.

The way things have been in recent years has been . . .

- They come visit us at Christmas for roughly a week.
- They may have other things to do in our area and may be around a weekend or two each year.

- We generally take a week at Thanksgiving to go see them at House #1.
- There usually is another week at their summer place at House #2.
- There usually is a week long vacation every year or every other year.
- Every other year there is an extended family reunion (never near us).

That does not include any other functions or events as I just described in the post above. My compromise has been going on every other trip or going on half of a trip. So she might leave on a Thursday night after work before a long weekend, have Friday off, have a long weekend, take 3 days off, have Friday off, and take Monday off the following week. She would only miss 3 days of work but could be gone 11 days. I would fly Wednesday night in the middle and fly back Sunday night and miss 2 days of work.

I think that is being reasonable and accommodating, but she is asking for me to go that entire 11 days. I have tried going on the 10-11 day outings and bringing work with me, but that made things more difficult (hard to work, visit, and be on vacation at the same time).

 
What prompted this is we have a graduation to go to next week . . . a 4 hour drive away. My version of the event would be to drive there early Saturday, be there all afternoon and evening Saturday, go to graduation on Sunday early afternoon, and drive back Sunday night after dinner. One night in a hotel. No Missed work. Easy peasy.

However, she made plans for Friday / Saturday / Sunday late with her parents being involved. So her version of the outing now involves two missed days of work for me (Friday and Monday) and three nights in a hotel. Since she gets one day off a week, she can reconfigure her schedule to not miss any work at all.

This battle went on for 3 days (and I eventually caved rather than argue about it forever). Tickets and reservations were already bought and paid for, so it would have been difficult to get out of that (unless we wanted to eat the costs).

Her side of the argument was that I should embrace and support her seeing her family more, and I was being a buzz kill by not wanting to make it a fun, extended weekend.

 
Paris said:
What prompted this is we have a graduation to go to next week . . . a 4 hour drive away. My version of the event would be to drive there early Saturday, be there all afternoon and evening Saturday, go to graduation on Sunday early afternoon, and drive back Sunday night after dinner. One night in a hotel. No Missed work. Easy peasy.

However, she made plans for Friday / Saturday / Sunday late with her parents being involved. So her version of the outing now involves two missed days of work for me (Friday and Monday) and three nights in a hotel. Since she gets one day off a week, she can reconfigure her schedule to not miss any work at all.

This battle went on for 3 days (and I eventually caved rather than argue about it forever). Tickets and reservations were already bought and paid for, so it would have been difficult to get out of that (unless we wanted to eat the costs).

Her side of the argument was that I should embrace and support her seeing her family more, and I was being a buzz kill by not wanting to make it a fun, extended weekend.
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id say start missing a few house payments - that will teach her

 
1. Too much. My wife and I don’t argue much, but when we do, it usually revolves around family. Hers live closer and there are more of them. Mine are further away, and honestly, I’m not as “close” with them as she is hers.

We actually made great progress over the past couple of years as the kids have gotten a little older. Our immediate family is the priority, and the extended family has taken a back seat role. This is very important to me.

2. Your wife is being unreasonable. I may be wrong and biased, but your wife spending 6 weeks with her parents is excessive. Having you do it, or most of it, is absurd. Put your foot down. 

 
What you described is unacceptable, even if you thought they were the best. Add in the fact that they moved away, wife is way wrong.

 
Paris said:
What prompted this is we have a graduation to go to next week . . . a 4 hour drive away. My version of the event would be to drive there early Saturday, be there all afternoon and evening Saturday, go to graduation on Sunday early afternoon, and drive back Sunday night after dinner. One night in a hotel. No Missed work. Easy peasy.

However, she made plans for Friday / Saturday / Sunday late with her parents being involved. So her version of the outing now involves two missed days of work for me (Friday and Monday) and three nights in a hotel. Since she gets one day off a week, she can reconfigure her schedule to not miss any work at all.

This battle went on for 3 days (and I eventually caved rather than argue about it forever). Tickets and reservations were already bought and paid for, so it would have been difficult to get out of that (unless we wanted to eat the costs).

Her side of the argument was that I should embrace and support her seeing her family more, and I was being a buzz kill by not wanting to make it a fun, extended weekend.
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Did she discuss with you before making the reservations? If not, just don't go. Pretty simple really. 

 
Paris said:
So two part question . . . 1) if you are married, how much time do you spend with your in laws and 2) in my situation, is my wife demanding / expecting too much?
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In a similar situation where my in laws, who were always around, moved away.

1) Currently, they come to Colorado for 1 week during winter break and 1 week during spring break.  My MIL is retired and will make long weekend trips pretty much every time my wife/kid have a holiday on Friday/Monday.  I'd say total, they come to Colorado for 3 weeks/year.  My wife/son both have summer break so they'll spend 2-3 weeks at the in laws during that break.  I will go visit over the 4 day of Thanksgiving but that's pretty much it as far as me traveling to them.

2) Your wife is being completely unreasonable.  There's no way you should spend every day off with your in laws.

If she insists, tell her you get to pick all the vacations and her parents are more than welcome to come along for the ride.

 
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1) if you are married, how much time do you spend with your in laws?

We live two hours away and will see them maybe twice a month on average.  We have a really good relationship with them and I don't mind seeing them this often. I even stayed at their house last weekend without my wife (they live near the marathon I was running in).  I couldn't ask for better in laws. Honestly, I told my wife while we were engaged that a reason I knew I wanted to marry her was her family. 

When we lived a day's drive away we'd see them a few times a year. My wife would take the kids for a week most summers while I'd work and most Christmases we'd spend there.  They'd also drive out to our place as often as we'd go there. Also we vacation with them almost every year. 

I suggested a while ago that I look for a job in their city, my wife said she prefers being here.  So we're good. 

But, we will be buying a lake house half an hour from them, 90 minutes from us, in the next few years.  we'll go to at least monthly and I'd bet the in laws are there most of the times we are. I'm hoping they'll use it sometimes when we don't, they're both really helpful - he's a lot better at the honey do list than I am.

2) in my situation, is my wife demanding / expecting too much?

:yes:  good luck telling her that.

 
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Angry Beavers said:
Did she discuss with you before making the reservations? If not, just don't go. Pretty simple really. 
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Was not consulted on anything, but not going at all would be a major issue. The graduation is for one of my step kids (who I have been actively involved with preschool age), so can't really blow that one off. Not the same as passing on something for a cousin or a niece or something like that.

 
Here in DC, we live near neither set of parents. My folks live 500 miles away in Boston, and hers live 1000 miles away in Green Bay. I like my in-laws, she doesn't like hers :P . Case in point, before we had kids, we thought it would be better to be near some folks, for support, so we looked at GB or Boston, and chose Boston. We lived there for a couple years, had two little boys, and shortly after #2 was born, she said 'I need to move away from your mother' so we moved back to DC!

My folks come down 2-3 times a year but will do it mainly for a long weekend. Show up Friday around noon and leave Monday AM, unless they are here for a kids event at school; but still only for a couple of days. They have mostly come here for Xmas, if we're in town, since they feel that it was better for smaller kids to be at home, instead of traveling every year. Fine, less travel! When we go there, my wife (CPA - Audits) will hole up in the bedroom with 'work' if my mom is too annoying (She can be, she just wants to be overly involved) or we will go out with friends from HS, many of who still live in the area.

Her folks don't come out here that often; when they did, they would stay for longer since it is a longer trip. They haven't come out as much recently because Grandma-In-Law is over 100, and MIL doesn't want to leave her. Understandable. We will go out there in the summer, usually for a week plus. They have a place in northern WI on a lake and the kids love it, we can bring our dog and it's just a great place to get away. And little $$$ other than travel. ( :pickle: ) We will also go up there for Xmas, every other year or so, GB is great for Xmas, since you are likely to have snow and she has a big family which can make holidays fun.

I don't mind going or them coming, because it is an event when we see them, since it isn't that frequent. With kids getting older (One each in ES, MS, HS!) going to see them is now confined to holidays and summer, but if they want to come, go right ahead!

I will have to say that when we were in Boston, we didn't live too close, and it was great with our first (their first grandchild!) how we could drop him off on a Friday and go over there on Sunday for dinner and pick him up after a nice child-free weekend! We didn't do that often, but it was nice when we did.

 
In-laws are 850 miles away - about 14-16 hour drive depending on number/length of stops.  We usually break it up in a couple of days.  

Its a once a year deal these days and usually 7-10 days at a time.  I really like my MIL, not so much the FIL.  The guy is - and always has been completely insecure and self-absorbed.  Not long after we were first married and lived a couple hours away, we were visiting for Christmas.  My wife and went out with a bunch of friends, she went home early as she usually does, and I stayed out.  I get dropped off at the house about 1:30 am at the house, there are several feet of snow.  I go to the door ...it's locked.  I check everywhere for a key, the mailbox, etc. - zip.  

I tap lightly on the door, hoping to wake up my wife but not the in-laws.  Nothing.  It's blowing snow, I have no coat.  I knock more loudly until I see the FIL headed for the door ...really pissed.  He jerks open the door and immediately gets in my face yelling at me.  I'm not a fighter, but it took a lot not to drop the MFer right there in the foyer.  (he was a notorious hothead with kids that way ...I'm not his kid.  I was a 30+ year-old guest in his house)  We made it clear that we would likely be late that night since we hadn't hung with our hometown friends for quite some time.  There was no comment from the in-laws about that being a problem.  

I got the wife and up early the next morning, packed and went to a hotel for the rest of the stay.  Merry ####in' Christmas.  

There was a thread here from several years ago that tracked a few of his gems from our visit a few years ago (around 25 years after the incident).  No idea how to find it.  

What a ####.  

 
I see my in-laws a lot.  I go fishing with my one brother-in-law a lot.  The other brother-in-law is my high school friend.  One of my sister-in-laws is at our house at least once a week and watches our kids a lot.  My wife's family gets together a lot and has dinner almost once a month so we all see each other pretty often.  If I didn't see my dad at work every day I'd see my in-laws more than my own family.

 
Binky The Doormat said:
In-laws are 850 miles away - about 14-16 hour drive depending on number/length of stops.  We usually break it up in a couple of days.  

Its a once a year deal these days and usually 7-10 days at a time.  I really like my MIL, not so much the FIL.  The guy is - and always has been completely insecure and self-absorbed.  Not long after we were first married and lived a couple hours away, we were visiting for Christmas.  My wife and went out with a bunch of friends, she went home early as she usually does, and I stayed out.  I get dropped off at the house about 1:30 am at the house, there are several feet of snow.  I go to the door ...it's locked.  I check everywhere for a key, the mailbox, etc. - zip.  

I tap lightly on the door, hoping to wake up my wife but not the in-laws.  Nothing.  It's blowing snow, I have no coat.  I knock more loudly until I see the FIL headed for the door ...really pissed.  He jerks open the door and immediately gets in my face yelling at me.  I'm not a fighter, but it took a lot not to drop the MFer right there in the foyer.  (he was a notorious hothead with kids that way ...I'm not his kid.  I was a 30+ year-old guest in his house)  We made it clear that we would likely be late that night since we hadn't hung with our hometown friends for quite some time.  There was no comment from the in-laws about that being a problem.  

I got the wife and up early the next morning, packed and went to a hotel for the rest of the stay.  Merry ####in' Christmas.  

There was a thread here from several years ago that tracked a few of his gems from our visit a few years ago (around 25 years after the incident).  No idea how to find it.  

What a ####.  
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:popcorn:   Link?

 
Your wife needs to see what other couples do in similar circumstances.  I don't think you will be able to find anyone who was being asked by a spouse to spend that much time with in-laws.  My MIL is a mile away and I love her with all my heart.  I see her once a week for a few minutes on average.  We had her over for a cookout last night.  

I would never go on vacation with her.  My wife wouldn't ask.  

I have a family reunion coming up this summer.  My wife does not have to go if she doesn't want to.  She's wavering right now. I am exerting no pressure at all although I wish she would come.  It's up to her. 

 
Osaurus said:
None.  They live in Milwaukee and I live far enough away.  They are very kind and generous folks to a fault.  Even when I go to Milwaukee, I stay at a hotel and let Mrs. O hang out with them and I do my own thing.  She’s headed to Milwaukee this Wednesday to see them.  I’m heading to Vegas on Friday.  Who’s got the better trip?  :pickle:
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No offense GB but that seems weird to me (I would say rude but without knowing the dynamics I won’t give an opinion). Why don’t  you spend time with them?

 
AAABatteries said:
No offense GB but that seems weird to me (I would say rude but without knowing the dynamics I won’t give an opinion). Why don’t  you spend time with them?
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They drive me crazy.  They sit around, do nothing, spend ridiculous amounts of time going to restaurants far away, and then complain they don’t have any time to do anything.  This besides the regular old person stuff like being racist, providing backhanded comments, and being afraid of everything. That and not having respect for my marriage with their daughter by constantly trying to tell us what we should do. It got old real fast.  

 
Binky The Doormat said:
In-laws are 850 miles away - about 14-16 hour drive depending on number/length of stops.  We usually break it up in a couple of days.  

Its a once a year deal these days and usually 7-10 days at a time.  I really like my MIL, not so much the FIL.  The guy is - and always has been completely insecure and self-absorbed.  Not long after we were first married and lived a couple hours away, we were visiting for Christmas.  My wife and went out with a bunch of friends, she went home early as she usually does, and I stayed out.  I get dropped off at the house about 1:30 am at the house, there are several feet of snow.  I go to the door ...it's locked.  I check everywhere for a key, the mailbox, etc. - zip.  

I tap lightly on the door, hoping to wake up my wife but not the in-laws.  Nothing.  It's blowing snow, I have no coat.  I knock more loudly until I see the FIL headed for the door ...really pissed.  He jerks open the door and immediately gets in my face yelling at me.  I'm not a fighter, but it took a lot not to drop the MFer right there in the foyer.  (he was a notorious hothead with kids that way ...I'm not his kid.  I was a 30+ year-old guest in his house)  We made it clear that we would likely be late that night since we hadn't hung with our hometown friends for quite some time.  There was no comment from the in-laws about that being a problem.  

I got the wife and up early the next morning, packed and went to a hotel for the rest of the stay.  Merry ####in' Christmas.  

There was a thread here from several years ago that tracked a few of his gems from our visit a few years ago (around 25 years after the incident).  No idea how to find it.  

What a ####.  
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:lmao:

 
Not sure the exact amount. But, whatever it is, it's too much.

My MIL calls at least once a day, sometimes twice a day to talk to my wife. It's gotten to the point that I don't answer the phone when she calls. 

 
My in-laws live 190 miles away (3.5 hour drive). Nice people and really chill. We used to visit about 3 times a year for holidays and long weekends. Now they come visit us a few times a year too since we have guest bedrooms at or new place. I would say this is the perfect amount as FIL's health isn't so good will be traveling less to see us moving forward. 

Paris's wife is selfish. If she and her parents want to be around each other so much, they shouldn't have moved far away. The husband shouldn't be obligated to sacrifice that much of his time and money to spend time with these people.

 
My In-laws lived 5 minutes away until they moved recently - now they are 8 minutes away.  Despite being so close we don’t really spend a lot of time at their house or them at ours - we do get together a lot in the summer at my SIL’s.  They come to most of the kids activities - school programs, sports, etc.  It was nice years ago having them close by as they would babysit when needed for date night and just to have the grandkids spend the night.  Kids are older now so no need for a sitter.

SIL/BIL live .3 mile from us.  We have four kids, they have 3.  There’s always kids at our house or there’s.  They put a pool in last year - really nice and we spent a ton of time there last year and already a few times this year.  My BIL is a good guy and really handy - he and his cousin just built an outdoor kitchen back there. Lots of beer, music and pool time - I get all the benefits of pool ownership without having all the negatives.  I bring beer every time I go over as payment.  The only downside is my wife and the 2 of them would play nothing but bubble gum country all day everyday if I left them.  I play pool DJ so I don’t go insane.  

There is one small issue for my wife - she works from home and my SILs kids are younger than ours.  There’s been times where the SIL has needed some help and my wife either can’t or hasn’t wanted to.  She does help but doesn’t want to be doing it every day.  It hasn’t been a big issue and again, she does help out - their oldest is the same age as our youngest and they get off the bus and hang out at our house until my BIL gets home.  This fall the middle one (5) will start Kindergarten and it’s going to get interesting because my wife can’t work and watch a 5 year old for 2 hours.  And that’s even if she wanted to - which she doesn’t.

My folks live about 30 minutes away - we see them less but they come to kids stuff too - they are really slowing down and I’m thinking in a few years I’ll need to move them closer to help out more.

 
As for the OP - as just about everybody said, the wife is crazy expecting that.  I almost feel like the OP has allowed it to get this far and now he’s kind of stuck.  Either way though, it’s completely unreasonable to expect someone to use all that time off on just visiting the in-laws.

 
KCitons said:
My MIL calls at least once a day, sometimes twice a day to talk to my wife. It's gotten to the point that I don't answer the phone when she calls. 
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My wife talks to her Mom on average once a day but who cares - unless it’s becoming a problem in your relationship or she’s trying to control your wife or your wife can’t make decisions without her I don’t see any problem with it.  Hell, I text some of my idiot friends just about every day and she doesn’t say anything.  I’m sure my Mom would like me to call her every day but I’m not doing that.  1-2 times a week plus seeing them often I think is pretty good.

 
AAABatteries said:
As for the OP - as just about everybody said, the wife is crazy expecting that.  I almost feel like the OP has allowed it to get this far and now he’s kind of stuck.  Either way though, it’s completely unreasonable to expect someone to use all that time off on just visiting the in-laws.
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That's the thing. I haven't let things get to the point that my wife wants expects . . . and that is what is causing the friction. The rest of the year, I am on the hook for a week long family reunion, a week on the road at Thanksgiving, and hosting the parents for a week at Christmas. There will likely be some isolated events here and there, but that's pretty much my limit. There is talk of trying to schedule another week of vacation with the in laws, and I will opt out of that one.

The latest development is my in laws are planning on buying a condo in the local area to be around more (as they will both be retired soon). I don't know if that will make things better or worse. I would much prefer to trade week long outings for more one day or evening local visits as it is far less disruptive that way. But if that is intended to be ON TOP of the trips, then I will not be pleased with that development.

That's the other thing the wife doesn't really grasp. I can flounder my way through an evening with small talk and current events for a few hours. But having to come up with things to talk about day after day gets taxing. When you don't have any common interests and have wildly different viewpoints on things, it's tough to have a dialogue with people.

 
This is one of the craziest things I've read in the FFA. 4-6 weeks a YEAR with family living 1000+ miles away? I like my in-laws and that would still prompt me to locate the nearest bullet or building ledge if this was a "requirement". 

Paris said:
She has a pretty big family. There is always something going on every few months . . . weddings, funerals, new babies, confirmations, bah mitzvahs, graduations, anniversary parties, retirements, etc. Apparently she has gotten grief from people asking where I am for these functions and events. I have gone to some of that stuff but usually pass when it involves someone I met once 15 years ago.
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I've been here before, and while it never happened with some of the semi-big stuff you mentioned here, it would happen with just the random family get togethers on my wife's side. It probably bubbled up when we were engaged and here's why. Her parents do everything together. Her oldest sister and her husband do everything together (aided by her husband's family being a mess and he has very little contact with them). Her next oldest sister and her husband do everything together (aided by husband's family living in their town, so they see them more for an hour or so here and there during the week than the all day types of events). So they never had to deal with splitting holidays and frankly between all of them, they never left each other's side. 

My wife and I were different from the beginning, as most people are, and if they heard that my wife went out with her friends on a Friday night while I went out with mine, they thought that was weird and would give her similar "grief" about it. I'm not talking about every day or 5x a week...like even if it was just once or twice a month.

And then there were times I'd miss a BBQ at her parents' house because I went to a game or was golfing and my wife would be perfectly okay with it, but when I'd get home I'd have to deal with all of the #### that they laid on her for me not being there. She never stood up to them and defended me, saying that it was normal for us to not spend every waking moment together. I finally lashed out and helped her see the big picture: this is our life, not theirs, and we'll live it the way we want to, and #### anyone who has a problem with it.

You're probably 15 years past due on this but it's never too late. 

 
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