I don't believe you're gay... (1 Viewer)

[Fat Nick]

Have any of you ever had someone come out of the closet, and you just didn't believe them? I had a situation over the weekend where a close family memeber came out as being bisexual. She's a socially confused 19-year-old who has made bad life-decision after bad life decision. She's lazy, but very smart. She's dishonest. She's been unable to maintain close friendships. She's dated guys, and, at least by our observation, has only ever "lusted" after guys. When asked what it is she likes about her new girlfriend, her response was "Well...It didn't work out with any of the guys I dated, and she's fun."

It's a really awkward situation because her girlfriend isn't a good influence. We're 100% accepting of lifestyle choices. If she wants to be lesbian, bisexual, whatever, that's fine. We just want her to be honest and true to who she is. She came out of the closet via a phone call with her new girlfriend and her new GF's mom in the room. It's just all very odd, but we don't want to alienate her.

 

[Quez]

It's almost 2015. I think most girls that age are bi.

 

[bostonfred]

Give me her number. I'll talk to her.

 

[eoMMan]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

 

[pantagrapher]

So what's the big deal?

 

[jon_mx]

According to Kinsley, isn't everyone bi? It is just a matter of degree.

 

[Cjw_55106]

I would think lying to yourself and saying you are gay would be extremely odd.

 

[derek245583]

Give me her number. I'll talk to her.

 

[Fat Nick]

So what's the big deal?

When asked bluntly without context, I get it. So what...let her make her own life choices.

It's tough. She's just has a history of doing things with long-term impacts without thinking. She sent "adult" pictures to random people on the interwebs at 15. She's been struggling to get by at college. She just makes horrible life choices. It's not the life choice here per-se, it's that it's yet another "This is who I am," from a girl who has basically become whomever she is hanging out with at that point in time. I couldn't tell you the last time she had a "best friend" for longer than a year or so.

I'm convinced she could hang out with a group of furries and convince herself that she's 100% into furries in a week.

I don't really know how to verbalize it without giving a back-story that's WAY too long.

 

[Fat Nick]

I would think lying to yourself and saying you are gay would be extremely odd.

I agree...I think there has to be some part of her that is OK with another girl kissing her or whatever...but that said, she's so "liquid" in who she is. She just becomes whomever she's around, and we can't help but feel like this is just the latest thing...Anybody else know anyone like this? We just don't know what you do...do you continue to support (as we would someone who we actually believed) this because if she IS truly in love with this girl, we want to support her...all the while feeling in your gut that in a year, she'll be on to the next identity?

 

[humpback]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

You don't care about close family members?

 

[Abraham]

So what's the big deal?

When asked bluntly without context, I get it. So what...let her make her own life choices.

It's tough. She's just has a history of doing things with long-term impacts without thinking. She sent "adult" pictures to random people on the interwebs at 15. She's been struggling to get by at college. She just makes horrible life choices. It's not the life choice here per-se, it's that it's yet another "This is who I am," from a girl who has basically become whomever she is hanging out with at that point in time. I couldn't tell you the last time she had a "best friend" for longer than a year or so.

I'm convinced she could hang out with a group of furries and convince herself that she's 100% into furries in a week.

I don't really know how to verbalize it without giving a back-story that's WAY too long.

That's part of life. Mistakes made by younger people now seem so significant to you and me when they would be equally horrified by the things we did. She'll grow out of it. Or she won't. That's just how it goes.

 

[jonessed]

Not much you can do. There is something obviously driving the bad decision making. Even if you could help her here it wouldn't stop the cycle. She will likely crash at some point in life and hopefully you can help her then.

 

[Guest]

You mentioned the GF being a bad influence. Gay or straight I think that is enough of a cause for concern. Would it make a difference if the GF was an extremely nice young lady that had her act together?

I have a close family member that is gay. Some family members haven't accepted that it is true. I accepted it after a short "shock" period, and really just want them to have a happy life.

 

[Cjw_55106]

You say you're 100% accepting of lifestyle choices, yet starting this thread kind of goes against that thought....unless of course I missed other threads you started about her in the past. If you are truly 100% accepting, why did this choice make you start a thread when others didnt?

 

[eoMMan]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

You don't care about close family members?

Of course I do, but your opinion on someone's sexuality is just that....your opinion. I don't believe in forcing your opinion down people's throat, even if they are close family members.

 

[pantagrapher]

So what's the big deal?

When asked bluntly without context, I get it. So what...let her make her own life choices.

It's tough. She's just has a history of doing things with long-term impacts without thinking. She sent "adult" pictures to random people on the interwebs at 15. She's been struggling to get by at college. She just makes horrible life choices. It's not the life choice here per-se, it's that it's yet another "This is who I am," from a girl who has basically become whomever she is hanging out with at that point in time. I couldn't tell you the last time she had a "best friend" for longer than a year or so.

I'm convinced she could hang out with a group of furries and convince herself that she's 100% into furries in a week.

I don't really know how to verbalize it without giving a back-story that's WAY too long.

This is exactly why I don't get the big deal. If she's a lazy liar who's making poor life choices that are actually harmful, worry about that stuff.

 

[Baloney Sandwich]

 

[LarryAllen'sJockstrap]

I'm convinced she could hang out with a group of furries and convince herself that she's 100% into furries in a week.

Give me her number. I'll talk to her.

 

[humpback]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

You don't care about close family members?

Of course I do, but your opinion on someone's sexuality is just that....your opinion. I don't believe in forcing your opinion down people's throat, even if they are close family members.

I guess, but I'm not focused on the sexuality aspect at all, just the "they are only hurting themselves, let them be" part. Seems odd.

 

[jon_mx]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

If they are hurting themselves, they are doing something wrong. Or perhaps they are into that kind of stuff.

 

[pantagrapher]

In the grand scheme of things, who cares? If they are lying to themselves by being with a same sex partner, they are only hurting themselves. Let them be.

If they are hurting themselves, they are doing something wrong. Or perhaps they are into that kind of stuff.

I can see if she was in an abusive relationship or something, but what can they do here? Telling 19-year-olds you don't like who they're dating is like pouring water on a grease fire.

 

[Koya]

She's 19. This should be treated I different than if she had the wrong BF. That said, any time you tell a 19 year old to not do something, that thing just got a lot more interesting for them.

If you then focus on her being bi or not two things happen IMO. For one, the issue becomes her identity and orientation and you are now attacking who and what SHE is. Second, you don't actually address the issue which is her choice of mate not her mates gender.

Finally, because you have upped the ante by bringing issues like her identity and sexual spectrum then you lose all moral authority on the matter because that shouldnt be the reason you don't like her in this relationship and or sounds like being bi is not the issue anyway.

Monitor so she doesn't do anything too stupid but let the 19 year old be 19. That means some dumb decisions and bad relationships along the way.

 

[Fat Nick]

You mentioned the GF being a bad influence. Gay or straight I think that is enough of a cause for concern. Would it make a difference if the GF was an extremely nice young lady that had her act together?

I have a close family member that is gay. Some family members haven't accepted that it is true. I accepted it after a short "shock" period, and really just want them to have a happy life.

Yes. It would absolutely make a difference if it was a nice girl who had her act together. So specifically, it's my sister-in-law in question here. My wife and I don't care about her sexual orientation. If she brought home a nice girl with a good path in life and it was her girlfriend...awesome. Likewise, if she brought home a boy who was headed down the wrong path, we'd be upset. In this case, I guess the hard part is how accepting are you of the whole circumstance? We're accepting of her choice (if it's REALLY her choice), but we're not accepting of who she chose. How do you differentiate the two to her?

You say you're 100% accepting of lifestyle choices, yet starting this thread kind of goes against that thought....unless of course I missed other threads you started about her in the past. If you are truly 100% accepting, why did this choice make you start a thread when others didnt?

I'm glad you posted right below WhatDoIKnow. See my comment to him as part of it. It's kind of hard to explain, but I think the above sums it up...If I believe that she's actually making a life decision and this isn't just another "whatever" moment for her, I'd be more supportive. As it is, I have a hard time NOT supporting her choice of "partners," not because of their gender, but because of who they are. It's just tough to split the two. You say you're not OK, and in her eyes, she views it as not being OK with her sexual orientation...and that's not it at all. She's very easily manipulated, and we've seen that in the past. This girl is not great news...I worry about THAT, not that it's a girl.

On the plus side...I guess she can't get pregnant.

 

[skol asylum]

See if she has any 19 year old bi friends.

 

[lakerstan]

I don't know that it is solvable, but highly likely that she will "find God" in the next 10 years, become a Fox News conservative and start Facebooking her daily prayers. Do what you can now, or she'll be lost forever...

 

[Eminence]

And it gets harder and harder for the legitimately nice guys who want to court a girl. There is something very rotten going on in 2014.

 

[Eminence]

I'm telling you that television and pop culture definitely play a part in this.

 

[Fat Nick]

Not posting pics. Sorry folks. I will say that if you saw pictures of my SIL, you wouldn't think in a million years she'd be into girls. I don't want to come across as un-PC here. I know there isn't a "type" for this kind of thing, but to quote Chris Rock:

Everybody in this room got at least a gay cousin. Every last one of you got a gay cousin. You knew he was gay when y'all was kids. You was playing ball, he was jumping rope. He didn't turn gay, he was gay then. He just didn't have nobody to be gay with. ####, l got a gay uncle. Call him Aunt Tom.

Aside from this life choice, there is NOTHING about her that would make me think she was into girls. Nothing. She's horrible at Softball. She had posters of boy bands up in her room. She talks dreamy about guys. Then boom...a girl who is easily influenced and has a hard time making friends meets a lesbian girl who is a bad influence and she's suddenly bisexual.

 

[Apple Jack]

At that age I knew more girls who did hook up with other girls than didn't. It's common.

 

[popsecret]

A 19 year old growing up in a society being told how awesome gay people are 24 7 and sees how much attention they get decides to become bi? Not really surprised.

 

[Eminence]

I guess you're looking for a solution though, right? Is Mom or Dad around to talk to her? Is there an 18 year old stud male you can send her way to clean her out?

 

[Fat Nick]

At that age I knew more girls who did hook up with other girls than didn't. It's common.

I don't think this is just "hooking up." I mean, I'd imagine this is going on. Her sisters (my wife included) are very reserved. "Hooking up" is not in their vocabulary. But for the youngest one, this one, I think it probably is. She's always wanted attention, and I think this plays in somehow. That said, this is beyond "hooking up." This is "dating."

Honestly, I'd feel a little better about it if she actually went all-out public with it. Facebook, friends, everything. I can't help but feel that since she' only told some people, it's just another phase, and thus another time she's not being truthful...with us, with herself, etc.

A 19 year old growing up in a society being told how awesome gay people are 24 7 and sees how much attention they get decides to become bi? Not really surprised.

Really valid point...MTV generation. Not the MTV Videos generation, but the crap that's on MTV these days.

 

[Eminence]

May I suggest a troubled Youth isn't mature enough for any relationship? Sign her up for a few Youth Groups or something. Does she have many friends?

 

[Apple Jack]

Well, if she's not really gay and is still dating women, it is a phase that should pass pretty quickly.

 

[Apple Jack]

A 19 year old growing up in a society being told how awesome gay people are 24 7 and sees how much attention they get decides to become bi? Not really surprised.

In what way?

 

[Fat Nick]

I guess you're looking for a solution though, right? Is Mom or Dad around to talk to her? Is there an 18 year old stud male you can send her way to clean her out?

Not so much looking for a solution. Outside of this issue, she's beyond a simple solution. She needs to get her head on straight and realize that she's too old for mulligans in life. Her parents are both working professionals. She was a late-in-life, not planned child. Thus, she didn't get the parenting that the other two got...and probably not enough attention. They were very apt to just work late and she'd be home alone from the time she got home till late in the evening. What's done is done there...

The biggest thing my wife and I wish is that she'd just be honest. Want to date a girl? Date a girl. Come out with it. Embrace it. She always talks her way around all responsibility. Part of the problem is that my type-A MIL wants all her kids to be super successful, and she'll pull every string imagineable to dig my SIL out of the predicaments she gets into. My wife and I have just said, "Let her fall on her own face without a safety net." But I guess that's easier said than done.

She just can't seem to form meaningful relationships. I can go to Facebook and find a picture of her and a girl and/or guy with the caption, "Hanging with my BEST FRIEND," under at least 5 different, unrelated people in the last 3 years. She'll get close with a group, and then for some reason, they just stop seeing her. She had 3 different college roommates her freshman year. I don't get it. She's a bit of a diva, as most 19 y/o's are, but she's not strange in the way that you'd think would make people just bail on her. I can't help but think she exhibits the same dishonesty to them as she does to her family to get away with not doing (or doing) things.

 

[Fat Nick]

May I suggest a troubled Youth isn't mature enough for any relationship? Sign her up for a few Youth Groups or something. Does she have many friends?

So here's a strange one...One of the few things she's done in the past is to attend, and last year be a councelor at a Catholic church summer camp.

Odd, right? Those friends are in the same list as the others she's made...not deep, not long-lasting. I think they last because they see each other for a few weeks, then leave.

 

[Joe Summer]

Sounds more like she has a mental illness, maybe some kind of bipolar disorder.

 

[Guest]

You mentioned the GF being a bad influence. Gay or straight I think that is enough of a cause for concern. Would it make a difference if the GF was an extremely nice young lady that had her act together?

I have a close family member that is gay. Some family members haven't accepted that it is true. I accepted it after a short "shock" period, and really just want them to have a happy life.

Yes. It would absolutely make a difference if it was a nice girl who had her act together. So specifically, it's my sister-in-law in question here. My wife and I don't care about her sexual orientation. If she brought home a nice girl with a good path in life and it was her girlfriend...awesome. Likewise, if she brought home a boy who was headed down the wrong path, we'd be upset. In this case, I guess the hard part is how accepting are you of the whole circumstance? We're accepting of her choice (if it's REALLY her choice), but we're not accepting of who she chose. How do you differentiate the two to her?

I guess I don't know that this needs to be complicated if you decide to get involved. If your issue is truly with her choice of partner versus her sexuality, it shouldn't matter if she is gay or straight. That's what you tell her. You do run the risk of pushing her closer, but again, that would be the same issue if she was gay or straight.

 

[Meatwad Reloaded]

I'm not sure if this could be discerned as a 'bad life choice'. Right now, it smacks a little bit as 'hey, look at me, I'm so different'. In any event you should not care. To me, a bad life choice for a 19 - 22 year old would be doing a bunch of semi - acquainted dudes ( maybe 4 or 5 total) in a room at 3:00 in the morning on a Friday night in the hopes to keep the lines flowing for a couple more hours. I actually saw that once and I felt kind of bad for the girl.

 

[Uwe Blab]

Put the scare quotes around her "girlfriend" and her "love" and how "happy" she is every time you talk to her or about her. If you're feeling fiesty, even slap on the dreaded eyeroll in combination. You gotta relate to the language of kidz these days.

 

[Apple Jack]

I'm not sure if this could be discerned as a 'bad life choice'. Right now, it smacks a little bit as 'hey, look at me, I'm so different'. In any event you should not care. To me, a bad life choice for a 19 - 22 year old would be doing a bunch of semi - acquainted dudes ( maybe 4 or 5 total) in a room at 3:00 in the morning on a Friday night in the hopes to keep the lines flowing for a couple more hours. I actually saw that once and I felt kind of bad for the girl.

 

[Fat Nick]

You mentioned the GF being a bad influence. Gay or straight I think that is enough of a cause for concern. Would it make a difference if the GF was an extremely nice young lady that had her act together?

I have a close family member that is gay. Some family members haven't accepted that it is true. I accepted it after a short "shock" period, and really just want them to have a happy life.

Yes. It would absolutely make a difference if it was a nice girl who had her act together. So specifically, it's my sister-in-law in question here. My wife and I don't care about her sexual orientation. If she brought home a nice girl with a good path in life and it was her girlfriend...awesome. Likewise, if she brought home a boy who was headed down the wrong path, we'd be upset. In this case, I guess the hard part is how accepting are you of the whole circumstance? We're accepting of her choice (if it's REALLY her choice), but we're not accepting of who she chose. How do you differentiate the two to her?

I guess I don't know that this needs to be complicated if you decide to get involved. If your issue is truly with her choice of partner versus her sexuality, it shouldn't matter if she is gay or straight. That's what you tell her. You do run the risk of pushing her closer, but again, that would be the same issue if she was gay or straight.

-I- agree 100% with the bolded part. I don't think she will. She will hear "I don't think your girlfriend is a good influence on you," as "I don't approve of your life choices." It doesn't help that her girlfriend is very much out of the closet, and has a VERY supportive mother. In fact, the girlfriend AND her mother were both in the room when she called my wife to give her the news.

Admittedly, I certainly won't be the one having these conversations. My in-laws will. She's not my kid, not my problem...but she IS my sister-in-law, and I don't want her to end up in a bad place. I also know that my in-laws have very one-sided views and aren't always as accepting as the wife and I, so that's really my point of posting. Just to get ideas, thoughts, kind of try and wrap my head around this from different ways so that maybe I can help with some insight that makes it a less painful situation.

 

[Fat Nick]

I'm not sure if this could be discerned as a 'bad life choice'. Right now, it smacks a little bit as 'hey, look at me, I'm so different'. In any event you should not care. To me, a bad life choice for a 19 - 22 year old would be doing a bunch of semi - acquainted dudes ( maybe 4 or 5 total) in a room at 3:00 in the morning on a Friday night in the hopes to keep the lines flowing for a couple more hours. I actually saw that once and I felt kind of bad for the girl.

Maybe it's a "gateway" life choice. Your scenario IS worse. Hoping to avoid getting that far. Again, this particular issue is a big defining one, but far from the only "questionable" choice she's made.

 

[Fat Nick]

Sounds more like she has a mental illness, maybe some kind of bipolar disorder.

After one of the major issues at home, they did send her to a shrink for counceling. Not sure if it was "are you diagnosable" counceling as much as, "parents have no clue what to do and she won't talk" counceling.

 

[pantagrapher]

You mentioned the GF being a bad influence. Gay or straight I think that is enough of a cause for concern. Would it make a difference if the GF was an extremely nice young lady that had her act together?

I have a close family member that is gay. Some family members haven't accepted that it is true. I accepted it after a short "shock" period, and really just want them to have a happy life.

Yes. It would absolutely make a difference if it was a nice girl who had her act together. So specifically, it's my sister-in-law in question here. My wife and I don't care about her sexual orientation. If she brought home a nice girl with a good path in life and it was her girlfriend...awesome. Likewise, if she brought home a boy who was headed down the wrong path, we'd be upset. In this case, I guess the hard part is how accepting are you of the whole circumstance? We're accepting of her choice (if it's REALLY her choice), but we're not accepting of who she chose. How do you differentiate the two to her?

I guess I don't know that this needs to be complicated if you decide to get involved. If your issue is truly with her choice of partner versus her sexuality, it shouldn't matter if she is gay or straight. That's what you tell her. You do run the risk of pushing her closer, but again, that would be the same issue if she was gay or straight.

-I- agree 100% with the bolded part. I don't think she will. She will hear "I don't think your girlfriend is a good influence on you," as "I don't approve of your life choices." It doesn't help that her girlfriend is very much out of the closet, and has a VERY supportive mother. In fact, the girlfriend AND her mother were both in the room when she called my wife to give her the news.

Admittedly, I certainly won't be the one having these conversations. My in-laws will. She's not my kid, not my problem...but she IS my sister-in-law, and I don't want her to end up in a bad place. I also know that my in-laws have very one-sided views and aren't always as accepting as the wife and I, so that's really my point of posting. Just to get ideas, thoughts, kind of try and wrap my head around this from different ways so that maybe I can help with some insight that makes it a less painful situation.

Hello exactly.

 

[FlapJacks]

I guess you're looking for a solution though, right? Is Mom or Dad around to talk to her? Is there an 18 year old stud male you can send her way to clean her out?

send the OP a PM with your contact info and he'll hook you up

 

[FlapJacks]

At least she won't get knocked up.....

 

[Fat Nick]

On the plus side...I guess she can't get pregnant.

At least she won't get knocked up.....

I said this to my wife last night...She failed to see the humor.