The actual breakup was simple enough. She was having to travel a LOT for work and it was only going to get worse. I suspect her dad was deliberately sending her places (she worked for his company) as the two of us disliked one another a great deal (though her mom loved me). It got too much to continue a relationship at that point in our lives. It sucks, but sometimes you need to realize it's more than the right people meeting - it's about meeting the right person at the right time in your life. That time wasn't then.
I was an idiot and we lived together for the next two weeks after we broke up instead of me immediately staying with a friend or getting a hotel. She made a big deal about me not bringing any skanks over. One night she came home late and I saw a casual acquaintance winking at me as he closed her bedroom door.
I kicked the door in and she was completely naked and he was topless. I'm a tall guy at about 6'3 but only about 165 at the time. This guy is at least 6'6" and weighed at
least 50 pounds more than me. I bum-rushed the dude and slammed him into the closet, breaking the doors. I started pounding on the guy before I lost the element of surprise and he started fighting back. I was somehow holding my own (probably because he was tipsy and I was sober) but taking more of a beating than I'd like. Eventually I managed to shove him out of the house (slamming his hand in the door). She was drunker than I'd ever seen her and started screaming at me. We started screaming at each other. He came flying back in because in my rage I forgot to lock the door. He claimed he just wanted to make sure I wasn't hitting her. I screamed something along the lines of "I don't hit women" as I slammed the clock radio into the side of his head. He got in a few blows before I again managed to get him outside, this time locking the door. She was a monster I'd never seen before and still screaming. I was screaming back at her. She grabbed the house phone and said she was calling the cops. I yanked the phone out of her hands while yelling and she kicked me in the nuts. Hard. I started yelling back and she kicked me again. She tried kicking me a third time and I grabbed her foot and pushed her back. She tried tackling me and I basically caught her mid jump and body slammed her naked drunken self into the floor. The phone came loose as I stood stunned and apologetic. She slammed the door in my face and I heard her sobbing hysterically to the cops her boyfriend had attacked her. It's a sickening feeling hearing your name spelled out to the police. I called my buddy and left a voicemail asking him to come pick me up. Why I didn't immediately leave is something I couldn't tell you. It didn't occur to me in that moment.
A few minutes later the cops showed up (3 cop cars!) and they asked me to step outside. They were very clearly on her side as they escorted me to the curb. They planted my butt down and barked at me loudly if I spoke when I wasn't supposed to and hurled a few expletives at me when I tried moving or explaining the situation. The mutual acquaintance showed up from down the street and gave his story to the cops. Cops asked if I knew the guy and what the deal was there. I told them I had no issue with the guy and if he bought me a drink next time we saw each other everything would good. Then they started asking me my side of the story. I gave it to 'em. Told them the only time I touched her was when I was defending my nuts from being attacked. They asked if I wanted to press charges. I laughed and told them of course not.
At this point the cops were fighting back the laughter and said good, because none of them wanted to take pictures of the assault. They asked me again if I wanted to press charges. I said no. Then I heard her. She was screaming expletives at the cops. She had been one of the sweetest, kindest, and quietest women I'd ever known during our few years together. The person I heard and saw that night was something completely different. She was hurling obscenity after obscenity to me and the police. The cops seemed to ease up on me as it was clear my sobriety and her attitude had turned the tide in my favor. One of the cops told me we both couldn't stay there that night and if I wasn't pressing charges I needed to leave. I was thisclose to saying I'd bail when I heard some more expletives coming from the house and her demanding to know why I wasn't being arrested.
I reminded myself of a scene from 'The Grinch who Stole Christmas' as a huge devilish smile crept across my face. I proudly told the cop I'm pressing charges. He knew it was all bull#### and tried pressuring me not to. Kept asking me if I was willing to stand up in a court of law in front of dozens of people and say I was assaulted by a woman. This pissed me off and I looked at him with the calmest of faces and said I'm a firm believer in sexual equality. He responded by saying he had no idea what that means. We stood in silence, starting at each other for 10-15 seconds before he wandered into the house. Her screams got even louder and a minute later she was being dragged from the house in handcuffs. She was screaming at the cops. Screaming at me. Making threats saying her dad would contact lawyers and sue me, sue the cops, and press charges. I smiled and nodded my head. That set her off even more. As she was stuffed into the backseat I gave her a wink.
The cops drove off while I went inside and popped open a bottle of hard cider to celebrate. Then I packed a pound of ice on my ####. I spent the next 2-3 hours scouring the neighborhood for our dog. I finally found him and as I was getting ready to leave I heard the answering machine pick up. It was her on the machine, apologizing for her behavior. She was fighting back tears and saying she hoped I'd forgive her and not press charges. She rambled on for about a minute, saying it was no fun to sober up in a jail cell. I listened to the entire message. When she started giving information on her location/contact information I closed the door and left.
I wish I could say that was the end of things between us. It wasn't. I ended up spending many, many hours getting medical attention for my injury. We were on speaking terms not too long after the attack. I hooked up with a couple women when she went off on her next trip. I was still in no position to bang women. I was on some serious painkillers and had to walk with a bit of a shuffle everywhere I went. Every time I went to the hospital for the next installment the male nurses would
always pop their head into my room and say something along the lines of "oooh man. I feel ya. I'm gonna come back soon and take care of you." I took more shots in the ### than cran. Trying to nail some chick when you walk like an old man is nearly impossible. Sex was mostly unpleasant. My balls slamming into anything sent agonizing shockwaves through my body.
Then things turned bitter between the ex and myself (which is an even longer story). We both ended up leaving that town for good within the year. She moved to the other side of the country and I moved 40ish miles away.
When I say I miss her, I mean I miss the woman I fell in love with. If I could get back with her I would without a moment's hesitation. But that woman no longer exists. The biggest gut punch came when I logged onto okcupid not long after and saw her listed as a top 10 match of all women across the country at a 98.something % match. But some things cannot be unseen. Pandora's box has been opened. You can't go home again. I knew (but didn't fully comprehend) the woman I had once loved was gone for good. It just wasn't the same. I would not get back with the current version (and hope to never be tempted). Some parts I miss very much. I hope to someday meet a woman that has some of those qualities. But I hope to God she's missing other attributes. The woman you dated is not the woman you're chatting with. No matter how much you wish she were.
Is your story completely different? Absolutely. It's also probably not as different as you hope. When we were initially getting back together, I had complete access to everything. She offered. I accepted. I stopped checking after four weeks. If you're going to try making it work, you can't be so paranoid. It'll eat you alive. After we split, I blocked her emails. I didn't delete her number but I was usually able to refrain from checking the texts. I'm guilty of logging into her facebook half a dozen times. I broke that habit within 2-3 months. Some emails made me smile. Others not so much. I forced myself to focus on other things. With other things to occupy my time and her out of sight, the longing slowly passed. And yes, she was hot. offdee has seen pictures and he gave her an 8. But there are lots of hot women. There's always another hot chick waiting for you.
Always.
I took a year off from dating because after the breakup I went on the warpath. I used to be a complete manwhore and I put the old me to shame. I created a sex bingo game with friends. There was a square for teacher, nurse, dental assistant, actress (gb SoCal), mechanic (a chick was playing with us and she wanted to even the playing field), student, retail employee, lawyer, free square, and a few others. Those were some fun times. I lost to a gb thanks to my inability to close the deal with a bookkeeper. It grew real tiresome. I hated everything. I despise how absurdly simple it is to date. I hated the typical questions you always ask/answer. I wanted a higher class of women and more of a chase. I wanted a woman who would pique my interest and not only give me a run for my money but beat me at whatever the subject may be. I wasn't going to easily find it at current lot in life. I'm by no means some good looking rich player. Heck, bucky has seen my profile. I'm simply an extremely outgoing person who loves to talk, is confident, and has little shame. That translates well. I decided I needed to get back to focusing on my career and achieving some other goals. I even curtailed partying/hanging out for the same time period. I just wanted to change into something 'better'. Even recently with my activity in the i-dating thread I've killed a few leads the old me would have banged. Just no longer what I'm looking for.
At least it gives me something to laugh about. I shared part of this story with some chick at a bar last week. I was there with a friend and some girl was clearly upset over her breakup. I gave some details from my story and we shared some good laughs. Even got her number when the night came to a close.
Your story sucks. It really does. I don't envy you. But it's a story that needs to be coming to a close. One way or another. It's been 7 months. If you want the ex, get aggressive. Push the issue. Woo her. Dinners, cards, flowers. Be relentless. Do not accept anything less than her jumping into bed with you and ending all contact with the pt. Or her telling you to beat it. Get back with her and a year from now you can share your story with some fbg before you go out and hit the town as a single man. Because there is no happy ending to your story with Alyssa. Not now. You're both too immature. If you want a serious chance, you both need to do some growing up apart from one another. I urge you to take 6 months to figure things out. No Alyssa. Tell her you'll shoot her an email in 6 months. If you're going to make things work you need a fresh start with her. And you cannot have a fresh start if there's never been an ending.
Maybe she has done some growing up while away from you (I'm skeptical as she was contacting you off and on). But reading your posts here it is painfully clear you're not ready for anything serious with this woman. You might try lying to yourself and say you are but you really aren't. You're a selfish, greedy, spoiled child who wants his toy and wants it now. Part of being a man means you sometimes need to make some painful decisions. This is one of those times. You need some time away from her. Zero contact. And you desperately need to see what other women can offer you. So sack up, soldier.
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