Issue With Daughter's Teacher (1 Viewer)

[NewlyRetired]

My daughter went through this stage a couple of years ago and I agree with the other posters that this type of anxiety for an 8th grade girl is kind of par for the course. The girls at that age want everything to be a soap opera and will use any relative slight to create controversy where none really exists.

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

This seems to be one of those situations where you just monitor. Since your daughter is already sensing you are an issue here talking about stuff, have your wife do the gentle talking to her to get more information in the future if needed

 

[johnnycakes]

Another vote for speaking with the teacher.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years. Junior high girls manufacture drama like Toyota manufactures cars.

2. If, in fact, the teacher did sarcasticlly ask your daughter if she was going to cry he/she was wrong...but it is not bullying.

There is no doubt the teacher asked my daugher if she was going to cry.

I agree re the drama angle and I have obviously seen some of it first hand but this is two of her friends who are serious students making an impartial observation. That got my attention.

So you think I should do nothing?

Yes

And if your daughter really does have anxiety issues (as in diagnosed) she needs to learn coping skills like "not doing things that will attract negative attention from teachers/other authority figures.".

 

[bigbottom]

Let's say you call a meeting with that teacher to confront the issue. How do you see that conversation playing out? How would you broach the subject? If she says she has no problem at all with your daughter and either denies the crying question or states that she asked out of genuine concern, what then? It doesn't sound like you have anything tangible to complain about and the teacher will either be able to easily sidestep the issue if she really has a problem, or will think you and your daughter are a bit paranoid if there's no issue.

 

[chet]

Let's say you call a meeting with that teacher to confront the issue. How do you see that conversation playing out? How would you broach the subject? If she says she has no problem at all with your daughter and either denies the crying question or states that she asked out of genuine concern, what then? It doesn't sound like you have anything tangible to complain about and the teacher will either be able to easily sidestep the issue if she really has a problem, or will think you and your daughter are a bit paranoid if there's no issue.

Very good points.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to push my daughter because of her anxiety but at the same time, I want to ensure she's not getting worked by an ####### teacher.

 

[shadyridr]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years. Junior high girls manufacture drama like Toyota manufactures cars.

2. If, in fact, the teacher did sarcasticlly ask your daughter if she was going to cry he/she was wrong...but it is not bullying.

There is no doubt the teacher asked my daugher if she was going to cry.

I agree re the drama angle and I have obviously seen some of it first hand but this is two of her friends who are serious students making an impartial observation. That got my attention.

So you think I should do nothing?

Yes

And if your daughter really does have anxiety issues (as in diagnosed) she needs to learn coping skills like "not doing things that will attract negative attention from teachers/other authority figures.".

Otherwise known as the Stephen A Smith defense

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

Probably but I can attest that sometimes kids at this age just don't get it. Maybe it is what happens in the home but a lot of kids don't react or respond to anything but a shock to the system.

 

[AcerFC]

My students think I hate them all the time

Truth is I do

Actually, I have probably hated zero kids in my fifteen years of teaching. Kids have strange perceptions. You can not be sarcastic with 8th graders. Learned that in my first year.

 

[Godsbrother]

Let's say you call a meeting with that teacher to confront the issue. How do you see that conversation playing out? How would you broach the subject? If she says she has no problem at all with your daughter and either denies the crying question or states that she asked out of genuine concern, what then? It doesn't sound like you have anything tangible to complain about and the teacher will either be able to easily sidestep the issue if she really has a problem, or will think you and your daughter are a bit paranoid if there's no issue.

Very good points.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to push my daughter because of her anxiety but at the same time, I want to ensure she's not getting worked by an ####### teacher.

Unless there is real abuse going on, dealing with PITA teachers is a part of life and necessary. She is going to have to deal with PITA bosses and coworkers when she grows up so view this as a learning experience.

 

[chet]

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

Probably but I can attest that sometimes kids at this age just don't get it. Maybe it is what happens in the home but a lot of kids don't react or respond to anything but a shock to the system.

There are also ####### teachers out there who enjoy taking kids down a notch. I don't know if that is the case here--I don't have enough info--but you don't seem to see any possibility of this which I find surprising.

 

[AcerFC]

I think Tanner and other teachers would agree

Teachers dont hate their students. Period

You might not love their behavior at times, but hate or dislike is a bit much

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

I think Tanner and other teachers would agree

Teachers dont hate their students. Period

You might not love their behavior at times, but hate or dislike is a bit much

No, there's a lot of these little M-Fers that I F-ing hate.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Kidding of course.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years. Junior high girls manufacture drama like Toyota manufactures cars.

2. If, in fact, the teacher did sarcasticlly ask your daughter if she was going to cry he/she was wrong...but it is not bullying.

Yeah, but I could see you saying something like that.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

Probably but I can attest that sometimes kids at this age just don't get it. Maybe it is what happens in the home but a lot of kids don't react or respond to anything but a shock to the system.

There are also ####### teachers out there who enjoy taking kids down a notch. I don't know if that is the case here--I don't have enough info--but you don't seem to see any possibility of this which I find surprising.

True...

But what do you think the ratio is between teachers that enjoy taking kids down a notch and kids that really need to be taken down a notch?

 

[Insein]

It's probably nothing but the fact you aren't summarily dismissing it means you care and are attentive. Nothing wrong with that as a dad.

I'm assuming she only has him less than an hour a day. I would counsel her to minimize her 1-on-1 conversations with him if she's nervous and try to do good work and keep the peace. But make sure she feels comfortable keeping the line of communication open with you.

Interesting that everyone assumes the teacher is male. The teacher is a ~30yo female.

Yes, 7.125 billion people assume the teacher is male.

I actually assumed it was a female...

Considering more than 90% of teachers are female, that's where I thought too.

 

[chet]

I think Tanner and other teachers would agree

Teachers dont hate their students. Period

You might not love their behavior at times, but hate or dislike is a bit much

I agree but there are exceptions and when her friends have that perception, there might be something there.

Don't forget, the teacher was already called out for making sexist comments.

Finally, I don't want to get into a France vs. USA discussion but the teacher is in her first year here from France. French teachers do have the reputation for being mcuh more brutal to their students than their American counterparts.

 

[Insein]

I think Tanner and other teachers would agree

Teachers dont hate their students. Period

You might not love their behavior at times, but hate or dislike is a bit much

I agree but there are exceptions and when her friends have that perception, there might be something there.

Don't forget, the teacher was already called out for making sexist comments.

Finally, I don't want to get into a France vs. USA discussion but the teacher is in her first year here from France. French teachers do have the reputation for being mcuh more brutal to their students than their American counterparts.

They do? Who monitors french teachers? Besides RN of course.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years. Junior high girls manufacture drama like Toyota manufactures cars.

2. If, in fact, the teacher did sarcasticlly ask your daughter if she was going to cry he/she was wrong...but it is not bullying.

Yeah, but I could see you saying something like that.

Pffftt...more like this.

 

[[icon]]

my daughter is 3.

I'm not looking forward to separating the Jr High girl-drama from reality when it comes to my own kid... because right now, as an outsider, that sounds like bupkis to me.

Yep... seems young girls make everything into a huge deal. OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!

 

[mr roboto]

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

Probably but I can attest that sometimes kids at this age just don't get it. Maybe it is what happens in the home but a lot of kids don't react or respond to anything but a shock to the system.

There are also ####### teachers out there who enjoy taking kids down a notch. I don't know if that is the case here--I don't have enough info--but you don't seem to see any possibility of this which I find surprising.

True...

But what do you think the ratio is between teachers that enjoy taking kids down a notch and kids that really need to be taken down a notch?

Probably depends on the teacher. My 3rd grade teacher nearly got fired for the way he treated me and a couple other kids (all of us were talkative and frequently bored in class and he had zero patience). It would probably now be labeled bullying. 'Teachers' aren't a homogenous group. Some are long suffering. Some are ### holes. Just like any other profession. Most are reasonable.

Having said that teachers deal with 20-35 kids with vastly different personalities, family backgrounds, learning curves etc. It's a very hard job to simply manage a classroom let alone actually teach. For that reason parents need to teach their special little snowflakes that they aren't the center of their teacher's world and occasionally they may not like everything the teacher says or does.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

"girls are better in this class than boys" = sexist?

 

[johnnycakes]

Let's say you call a meeting with that teacher to confront the issue. How do you see that conversation playing out? How would you broach the subject? If she says she has no problem at all with your daughter and either denies the crying question or states that she asked out of genuine concern, what then? It doesn't sound like you have anything tangible to complain about and the teacher will either be able to easily sidestep the issue if she really has a problem, or will think you and your daughter are a bit paranoid if there's no issue.

Very good points.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to push my daughter because of her anxiety but at the same time, I want to ensure she's not getting worked by an ####### teacher.

I would speak with the teacher, not to the teacher. Very often I'll go into meetings and just play stupid... throw out questions in a non-confrontational way just to see the response. In this case, from what you describe, I'd open the meeting with a general discussion about how my daughter is doing in the class.... does she have any behavior issues I should know about, and so forth... hear the teacher's side of the story first; get her to go on record first. Teacher's answers to those questions may shed some light on why daughter thinks teacher doesn't like her; if not, I would press on and ask if other students in the class seem to like my daughter or not... eventually work around to telling the teacher that you hear "throught the parents' grapevine" that some students are saying whatever you heard they're saying. I would try not to put the teacher in a defensive position at this point, but also let the teacher know that this stuff gets back to the parents and not all parents are too busy to take whatever steps are necessary to correct the situation on whichever end needs correcting.

 

[chet]

I also agree that if the teacher really did the "are you going to cry?" thing that was probably uncalled for.

Probably but I can attest that sometimes kids at this age just don't get it. Maybe it is what happens in the home but a lot of kids don't react or respond to anything but a shock to the system.

There are also ####### teachers out there who enjoy taking kids down a notch. I don't know if that is the case here--I don't have enough info--but you don't seem to see any possibility of this which I find surprising.

True...

But what do you think the ratio is between teachers that enjoy taking kids down a notch and kids that really need to be taken down a notch?

Considering there are many more students than teachers, I'd assume more students than teachers but I think there's at least one--and probably more--bad teacher at every school.

 

[AcerFC]

Chett, This is a private school I imagine, yes?

 

[chet]

Chett, This is a private school I imagine, yes?

Yes.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years. Junior high girls manufacture drama like Toyota manufactures cars.

2. If, in fact, the teacher did sarcasticlly ask your daughter if she was going to cry he/she was wrong...but it is not bullying.

Yeah, but I could see you saying something like that.

Pffftt...more like this.

 

[Juxtatarot]

For those of you suggesting Chet talk to the school or the teacher, would your advice change if this were a son instead of a daughter?

 

[El Floppo]

"girls are better in this class than boys" = sexist?

what's wrong with being sexy? [/tap,homer]

 

[NewlyRetired]

"girls are better in this class than boys" = sexist?

I was just looking at my daughters high school honor roll list. There were 10 kids in her 10th grade class who made "high honors", and 9 were girls. For the regular honor roll list, I would estimate it was around 65-70% female as well. These numbers were similar for all grades.

Is this typical? I knew girls did better in high school than boys as a general statement, but I did not think it was so dominant.

 

[Bucky86]

30 Y.O. and from France? WE NEED She's probably smoking hot. For now, i'll be imagining this when referring to the teacher. (maybe NSFW)

 

[AcerFC]

"girls are better in this class than boys" = sexist?

I was just looking at my daughters high school honor roll list. There were 10 kids in her 10th grade class who made "high honors", and 9 were girls. For the regular honor roll list, I would estimate it was around 65-70% female as well. These numbers were similar for all grades.

Is this typical? I knew girls did better in high school than boys as a general statement, but I did not think it was so dominant.

typical

 

[Insein]

30 Y.O. and from France? WE NEED She's probably smoking hot. For now, i'll be imagining this when referring to the teacher. (maybe NSFW)

Def NSFW. But

 

[popsecret]

Honestly, am I the only one in here that thinks helicopter parenting is a terrible thing to do? It is probably why kids grow up wanting the government to be their parents, because they never learned how to handle their own problems.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Honestly, am I the only one in here that thinks helicopter parenting is a terrible thing to do? It is probably why kids grow up wanting the government to be their parents, because they never learned how to handle their own problems.

You are assuming that everyone else is sees Chet as a "helicopter" parent.

 

[flufhed]

Let's say you call a meeting with that teacher to confront the issue. How do you see that conversation playing out? How would you broach the subject? If she says she has no problem at all with your daughter and either denies the crying question or states that she asked out of genuine concern, what then? It doesn't sound like you have anything tangible to complain about and the teacher will either be able to easily sidestep the issue if she really has a problem, or will think you and your daughter are a bit paranoid if there's no issue.

Very good points.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to push my daughter because of her anxiety but at the same time, I want to ensure she's not getting worked by an ####### teacher.

Unless there is real abuse going on, dealing with PITA teachers is a part of life and necessary. She is going to have to deal with PITA bosses and coworkers when she grows up so view this as a learning experience.

Yep.

As long as she is being treated fairly grades wise then it's just one of those things.

 

[El Floppo]

Honestly, am I the only one in here that thinks helicopter parenting is a terrible thing to do? It is probably why kids grow up wanting the government to be their parents, because they never learned how to handle their own problems.

please take it to a different thread.

tia.

 

[Zow]

write the teacher a check for $50,000

 

[Clifford]

If rich people like you can't buy their way out of this, why the #### am I bothering climbing the corporate ladder? This post has seriously shaken my faith in American capitalism.

 

[squidrope]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

1)You put that much faith in the perception of some 8th grade girls? in case you haven't noticed, many 8th graders live to create drama. IMO you and your daughter need to avoid the drama, and not feed into it.

2)Sarcasm is based on perception. 8th graders perception. Not saying that they are wrong, but why would that teacher have it in for your daughter?

I have an 8th grade daughter too. There's a lot of drama going on at this age. If she's surrounded by friends that have a lot of drama in life. Your daughter will have a lot of drama in her life too.

Good luck.

ETA-I tell my daughter that there's good and bad teachers. All through life you'll meet good and bad people. Learn to deal with it.

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

Is the teacher aware of your daughter's anxiety issues? My middle son had debilitating anxiety issues but when he was going through it many people were unaware. Now that he is being treated, he is VERY reluctant to share that with his peers or teachers.

 

[Jayrod]

My sister used to teach Jr. High and now teaches HS. (French & Spanish)

I could totally see her breaking out the "are you going to cry?" line. She used to get tired of the whiny attitudes and manufactured drama from her students. But I will say she is also pretty sensitive to kids who are legitimately hurting and shy. She'd never try to break a kid that didn't actually need it.

 

[Pots]

This is going to be one of those threads where OP asks for advice and does what he wants to do regardless. The helicopter in him is way too strong not to react

I believe the Op asked "Your move", not "What should I do".

I now have popsecret on ignore. The guy's a useless troll that adds nothing.

This is going to be one of those threads where OP asks for advice and does what he wants to do regardless AND use the mass-ignore feature on anyone who dare have a different opinion than him.

 

[El Floppo]

My sister used to teach Jr. High and now teaches HS. (French & Spanish)

I could totally see her breaking out the "are you going to cry?" line. She used to get tired of the whiny attitudes and manufactured drama from her students. But I will say she is also pretty sensitive to kids who are legitimately hurting and shy. She'd never try to break a kid that didn't actually need it.

lol.

 

[sbonomo]

My sister used to teach Jr. High and now teaches HS. (French & Spanish)

I could totally see her breaking out the "are you going to cry?" line. She used to get tired of the whiny attitudes and manufactured drama from her students. But I will say she is also pretty sensitive to kids who are legitimately hurting and shy. She'd never try to break a kid that didn't actually need it.

okay...give the poster I guess I am not surprised...

 

[Fennis]

jesus, I would hate to be a teacher.

 

[Fennis]

1. I've been teaching 8th grade for 15 years.

RIP

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

Anecdotal evidence or examples carry limited weight. That said, twice I had teachers with whom my daughter was having difficulties. Each time, at parent/teacher conferences I told the teacher that my daughter enjoys their class and that they are my daughters favorite teachers, whether it shows or not. Each time the teacher's attitudes and behavior towards my daughter markedly improved, as did her engagement in the class.

People like being liked, or thinking that they are. When they feel that way they respond positively. The behavior loop then is self-reinforcing. Now confrontation, on the other hand, well that may get the desired results, but often it makes matters worse, cementing hard feelings.

 

[Fennis]

DW showing yet again why he is my favorite poster

 

[thayman]

Honestly, am I the only one in here that thinks helicopter parenting is a terrible thing to do? It is probably why kids grow up wanting the government to be their parents, because they never learned how to handle their own problems.

Says the 20 something loser who still lives with his parents......