Living apart from your family for work? (1 Viewer)

[The Duff Man]

I am currently a VP but have a smaller company in my industry interested in me joining them as President. I have only been with my current company three years and I don’t see any opportunity for this in the near future.

My current company has new leadership and I am not particularly impressed with how it is going.

Unfortunately the new role would involve moving 600 miles away. I have one daughter heading to college in Sept and another one still with two years of high school left.

I can’t see my family wanting to move right now so I suspect I would be looking at moving on my own and arranging to be home one week a month (best case scenario). My wife would move in two years.

Not sure I realistically see this as good for my family, I am curious if anyone here has a similar experience to share?

The money difference is not earth shattering, it more about job satisfaction and hopefully getting into a role that would last me to retirement, I am 48 so a lot of time still to put on the clock.

 

[ChiefD]

If you don't see it as good for your family I think the best decision is to stay put.

There will always be jobs available. But time with kids is so fleeting that it would be hard for me to leave them.

 

[ghostguy123]

Job satisfaction + income + friends (and other things you only have access to where you currently live) + family life + effect on your family = life satisfaction.
Plug in your answers in either scenario you choose and see which one gives the higher life satisfaction.

 

[zamboni]

If it's not going to be a major uptick in compensation, I guess you have to weigh whether the opportunity, in which you say may not be there again, more than outweighs the loss of critical time with your family. The loss of family time doesn't have a price tag. Tough decision - I feel for you.

 

[The Z Machine]

I had a GF in high school whose father did this. We were able to "hang out" more than most of our peers...

 

[IvanKaramazov]

I can definitely sympathize with your position. 48 is too young to start coasting, but it's old just about enough that you don't really know if you'll get another bite at the apple. This probably isn't really your last opportunity for serious career advancement, but it could be. (Sorry).

You're not terribly satisfied with the people in charge at your current employer, so you're not too worried about the small-to-moderate salary bump. What if you start your presidency at New Firm Inc. and realize that you inherited a sub-par leadership team? How much would it bother you to be in charge of a not-very-good team vs. being an outstanding team member for a not-very-good leader? In some ways, your current situation is better, so if you need to ask yourself how much extra salary you need to compensate you for taking on that risk.

Then you add in the obvious cost of leaving your family behind for two years. Even if you come home one week a month, or every weekend, that's still two years of your life that you're giving up. Best case scenario is that you just miss out on some romantic weekends, high school concerts, teenage drama, etc. Worst case scenario is that you're 600 miles away when your kid is in a car accident or your wife gets an adverse medical diagnosis. Probably neither of those things will happen, but you should include their possibility when evaluating the pros and cons of this sort of move.

As you can tell, I would not choose this road. But I'm a risk-averse "settler" who is happy with his lot in life and not looking for much more. I'm not the type who would lose any sleep worrying about how much higher I could have climbed if I was willing to relocate. Take it with that context in mind.

 

[beer 30]

Not sure I realistically see this as good for my family, I am curious if anyone here has a similar experience to share?

The money difference is not earth shattering, it more about job satisfaction and hopefully getting into a role that would last me to retirement, I am 48 so a lot of time still to put on the clock.

Pretty sure you answered your own question but I'll chime in, I did this for about 8 months working during the week and driving home on the weekends. Certainly not comparable to your situation but I was away from the family a good portion of the time. Much easier for us as the wife had her family where we came from so they all just piled into mom & dad's house for a while. Grandma watched the kids (they were both young) for us anyhow so not a huge disruption to the family dynamic. It still had an effect in that you always felt like you were walking into a conversation already going on and you were trying to interject yourself into it. Ultimately worked out fine but if you don't have stupid money being thrown at you I wouldn't do it, especially with a kid in HS. You only have a few years left with that one. Don't waste it for a job that isn't a significant bump up.

Edit to add: I also had free housing in the new place since I was living with my then boss. We had been friends for years, it was kinda like college again. So expenses were pretty minimal for me.

 

[Chemical X]

I am currently a VP but have a smaller company in my industry interested in me joining them as President. I have only been with my current company three years and I don’t see any opportunity for this in the near future.

My current company has new leadership and I am not particularly impressed with how it is going.

Unfortunately the new role would involve moving 600 miles away. I have one daughter heading to college in Sept and another one still with two years of high school left.

I can’t see my family wanting to move right now so I suspect I would be looking at moving on my own and arranging to be home one week a month (best case scenario). My wife would move in two years.

Not sure I realistically see this as good for my family, I am curious if anyone here has a similar experience to share?

The money difference is not earth shattering, it more about job satisfaction and hopefully getting into a role that would last me to retirement, I am 48 so a lot of time still to put on the clock.

seems simple, it’s a package deal here. everyone moves or no one moves. 600 miles from where to where is the x factor. seattle to nome is no. nome to seattle is why not? you get the point.

 

[the moops]

How about the other way around? One week a month at the new place with remote work the other 3?

 

[jvdesigns2002]

Only way you should remotely consider this is if your family is 10000% on board imo. Secondly—if you do end up doing it—I think you need to move the entire family to the new job or speak with the potential new employer about working remotely 3 weeks a month and going to the new place one week a month (as @the moops suggested above. The question you are asking is if you should consider being a remote father and husband three weeks a month for the sake of being an “in person” employee.

 

[fruity pebbles]

Not sure how this even makes sense financially. If there’s not much bump in pay, how are you going to afford a whole other place to live, in addition to the one you already have? Sounds like the net pay will be negative and That’s before even getting into the away from your family aspect.

 

[Manster]

Career should never come before family

 

[TLEF316]

Yeah, I dont know a damn thing about raising kids.....but I would think leaving them for 75% of the time the 2 years before they leave for college seems like the wrong move. Lots of downside there. And even if your child does great in your "absence", you NEVER get those years back.

Presumably your current position has you in a good enough position to pay for school and fund a pretty nice retirement for yourself.

This isn't even something I would consider. I'm not the most ambitious guy in the world, but this just seems insane to me. Not sure how specialized your industry is, but if you have Presidential opportunities on the other side of the country, I gotta believe you could find something worthwhile in your general area.

 

[Galileo]

Like others have said, if it is not a good fit for your family, then it is best you don't do it. Get their input about various options and make a decision that is a good fit. FWIW, I have seen this work before in other situations. I knew on guy who worked in Boston during the week and then would return to the Cleveland area on the weekends. I knew another guy working in Columbus and would return on the weekends, but even when he was in Cleveland, he was on the road a lot. In both cases, the family stayed behind to finish up a year or two of high school. Personally, I couldn't have done it, but we are all different people and have different circumstances.

 

[GordonGekko]

Not sure I realistically see this as good for my family, I am curious if anyone here has a similar experience to share?

Too many unknown variables.

Best advice is to take a week for "remote work" and spend a week in this new location. Get a lay of the land. Hire a private detective and run the horsepower of the executive team in the new potential landing spot. You know to know everything you can. Who has a drug problem, who is in massive debt, who is cheating on their spouse, who has money problems, who is beating their kids, everything.

Assess the odds of your current company either going under ( from the new bad head management) or eventually laying you off at some point.

Ask yourself if you instincts have always served you well. When you've relied on them on first impression. Your instincts are like an alarm bell in your head. Some people should listen to that bell ( they hear it, and they heed it and usually save themselves) and some people shouldn't ( they don't have the life experience, IQ, EQ, etc, etc to manage practical threat)

If you are the primary bread winner, and if that's disproportionately so, the decision is yours. If your family is like a "ship", then you are the Captain. You take input from your crew, but they don't get to share command. Consider the tradeoffs for each person in the family, but remember you are responsible, as Captain, for the safety and security of your family unit. First and foremost. I'm not talking about your teenager needing to make new friends in a new place, I'm talking about a long term assessment of what's going to best put food on the table and a roof over everyone's heads.

Make the decision the furthers safety and security above all. Kids are resilient. If you need to move, they will adapt. If your wife is disproportionately not the primary bread winner, in that case, if she wanted more of a say, she should have put herself in a leverage position to force a non move. If the money making is mostly equal, in that case, then assess again, if it makes your kids safer and more secure to work in a different city. Then do it if it does.

Being in charge means you will get blamed no matter what you do. So if that's the case, do what you know is right, even if it's unpopular. If you've lived a life where trusting your instincts has served you well , then continue to trust them. Something Brian Cashman said about revenue sharing, the NY Yankees and the rest of MLB is that all the other teams were angry and complaining about how much money the Yankees spent on payroll and salaries, but no one said a peep when NY wrote revenue sharing checks that enriched the bank accounts of all these other franchises. Cashman pointed out, if you hate the system so much, when it's to our advantage, also hate it when you get paid from it.

Did you give your wife and kids a good life? Provide for them? Maybe vacations, stability, safe neighborhood and nice clothes. Sports and extra curricular activities. Eating out and events that cost money. Well maybe having to move is the price to have had those things and to keep having those things. "You didn't complain when I took everyone on a nice vacation, so don't complain if we have to shuffle over 600 miles so I can keep putting food on this table." That's what you say to them.

This is not Friday Night Lights. This is not Tami Taylor throwing a fit and Eric Taylor ending his practical coaching career over it. You marry a football coach, you buy into a specific deal. If these folks reaped the benefits of your hard work, they can pack a box or two. Never let crew drive the ship. That's not how it works.

Put yourself in the best position to win. Then deliver that win.

 

[msudaisy26]

About 8 years ago my husband did this for about 7 months and it doubled his pay. We also only have 1 kid and she was an infant at the time. It was extremely difficult and we wouldn't do it again. So I agree with most of the other posters. Either everyone moves or no one does.

 

[The Duff Man]

Thanks for the replies and perspectives.

I factored in the additional costs of renting a place in the new city in the “not earth shattering pay increase” comment. It would be net positive.

I am not terribly concerned about the team I would inherit. I make about 75% of the household income and if it was just my wife we would be moving.

I choose all the time to sacrifice things for my kids and don’t regret those decisions as a parent.

This would be a chance to make a decision that is for me and not have to sacrifice.

But I won’t be happy long term if this impacts my youngest, I should wait a couple more years.

 

[fruity pebbles]

I wouldn’t necessarily say no, I think you need more info about the position etc. If you could somehow make it a 50/50 there/remote and it’s something you really want to do and think it would help your future a lot, it’s worth considering imo. Would largely depend on the new company, their staying power etc. Like you said, we basically sacrifice everything for our kids. If this is something you really want to do I’d explore more. Your kids are basically grown. Not sure your wife’s job but maybe everyone moves to where you are for the summer?

 

[Moe.]

I was the kid with two years left in high school when my parents were faced with a similar decision. Our situation was a little different, my dad was taking the job no matter what, it was just a matter of are we all going or is it just him.

My dad moved solo and my mom and I (older sister was in college, same age difference as your situation) stayed behind so I could finish high school. I am thankful they sacrificed for me, but if we had to do it all over again we would have just all moved and I would have sucked it up. It almost ruined my parent’s marriage, but they pulled through and are still together 20 years later. I don’t think my dad understood just how lonely the whole thing would make him feel, and it kind of caused a mental break for him.

 

[Sammy3469]

My wife is going to be bicoastal for the next year as her company is going back o their word when they went remote and is calling everyone back to NYC (the money is frankly too much not to). I’m frankly not looking forward, but they were going to force her to travel 50% of the time anyway.

That being said I don’t think I would voluntarily start a situation like this with a new job, etc. That seems even more challenging.

 

[GordonGekko]

But I won’t be happy long term if this impacts my youngest, I should wait a couple more years.

Then have an honest conversation with your youngest. You might be surprised at the response you get. Or maybe not. But kids aren't protected by the avoidance of hard conversations.

With my godson, I made it clear to him that I'd pay for all his college, however long it took, and his living expenses while he was in school, but once he was out and graduated, he needed to work in the real world and not, to start, for me. I needed him to learn some of the parameters of real life/early life struggle. We had to have some long conversations on it when he was younger. It was complicated talk because I'm not his real blood line, so there's the issue of abandonment. Or the perception of it.

Then, this was pre pandemic, I saw how untenable it was for someone in his situation. It's just very hard for a young person to afford to live on their own. Even working full time and making OK money after college. I had to weigh out the life lessons I wanted imparted and the reality that what he could afford to start were basically situations in higher crime areas. In the end, I eventually bought him a condo in Dallas. And then we had to have a long conversation about that too. When I was young, I had to live in places soaked in squalor. Lots of crime and violence around. It was just untenable the risk of the kid getting stabbed in some parking lot because I didn't want to reconsider my stances. And I wanted him to have some freedom and distance, so he could live a young person's life, to go out and party, brawl, socialize, travel and go get laid.

When I was his age long ago, well every night was a feast. Good God, my prime was glorious. I was Commander Vas Deferens of the starship USS Rail'em. I almost shed a tear there going down memory lane and basking in the nostalgia.

So that was the compromise I had to make for myself. He wouldn't, to start, come to work for me ( i.e. a soft family job, like someone running a bunch of malls for their family business, that kind of thing) But I'd effectively charge him "rent" informally, and save that money for him, while I taught him how to invest that money. But in a place I could assess as safe and secure.

Many kids are resilient. Many will shrug their shoulders and say, "OK, I have to move" Kids make new friends. Kids adapt. If the child is special needs or has mental health concerns ( and I'm not asking here in public), maybe the calibration becomes far different.

Another way to look at it, is if you are in a situation where you have more autonomy ( though more responsibility) and fewer idiots above you inflicting on you daily, that puts you in a better mindset and in a better emotional/mental place, and that will help you deliver better wins for your family.

Have an adult conversation with the high schooler. See what happens.

 

[AAABatteries]

I think only you and your wife can know how it may affect your kids. With FaceTime and being home on weekends, etc. you may still get enough time with them to make things work - but it’s hard to say without knowing the wife and kids. I personally would never do it but I’m like IK and very happy with where I am with climbing the ladder and my career. If there’s any concern about the kids (or wife) not adapting then I wouldn’t do it.

 

[GordonGekko]

I can definitely sympathize with your position. 48 is too young to start coasting, but it's old just about enough that you don't really know if you'll get another bite at the apple. This probably isn't really your last opportunity for serious career advancement, but it could be. (Sorry).

I just bought a place in Florida. Will still need a lot of work before I can set roots. Not practical at my age and my health circumstances to being doing this kind of major move. Offloading and off ramping out of the West Coast is a major headache. But for personal and business reasons ( things we can't discuss anymore since Tim made it impossible to have a forum to talk about those things) , it's just the best decision. And I'm not the only one doing it. Lots of people all over the country are moving for various reasons. Some is about career and money. Some is about policy and ease of doing practical business.

Not here to distill out my personal hash, as much as to say this - If you are going to move anyway, the younger the better. Doing a big move as you get much older and your health goes in the tank is not the best way to do it.

If the OP is planning a move anyway, just do it now. Do it while you still have the energy to do it. Most men hit another wall at 55. And again at 70. When someone says a "couple of years", then that often turns into 4-5-6-7 years instead. Before the OP knows it, he'll be 55 and stuck.

Here's another thing. While this might not apply to the OP, plenty of people think that once the kids are out of high school, then they can get their freedom back. Lots of men think that. What lots of men don't see is many wives have been planning a divorce for 4-6 years in some cases. In some extreme circumstances, some wives are secretly planning that divorce for up to a decade, just counting down days for the kids to go off to college.

Lots of men think "We can finally have a little time to ourselves" Maybe. What often happens is the wife has some time for herself. After she's ambushed the guy with divorce papers and financially massacres him.

The point I'm making is waiting for the kids to get to a point of taking flight should not slow down good practical career decisions. If you don't earn, the kids starve, so there's not much upside in that. There is never a "good time" nor a "perfect time" to do anything. The end game is the same - Keep moving forward no matter what. Movement towards progress is proof of life.

If the OP has done his job as a father and leader of the family the right way up to this point, then his kids will very likely find a way to adapt and overcome in a big move.

 

[bigbottom]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

 

[Manster]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

 

[fruity pebbles]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

His kids are 16 and 18 though. Kids that age, if he really wants the job, I think you could make it work. Guess it depends on the kid. Not like we’re talking about little kids here.

 

[ghostguy123]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

His kids are 16 and 18 though. Kids that age, if he really wants the job, I think you could make it work. Guess it depends on the kid. Not like we’re talking about little kids here.

No age for kids is a good age to be away all the time. High school?? Early college/work??? All super important for dad to be around.

 

[SWC]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AxQCdBT7mY take that to the bank brohan

 

[GroveDiesel]

Unless there is a terrible parent/kid relationship, I think most parents would pay just about anything to have 2 more years of their kids home with them. It’s part of life that kids grow up and move on and ultimately we want that for them, but I just can’t imagine essentially giving up the last 2 years of that time with them.

Everyone has their own needs and every situation is different though.

 

[ChiefD]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AxQCdBT7mY take that to the bank brohan

Says it all.

 

[bigbottom]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

I think these are all great points. I was more taking issue with the categorical statement than the context of this particular situation. No way would I spend that much time away from my family for a year.

 

[Peak]

I did this for about a year, and it is one of my biggest regrets. I took a job that was about two states away from where I lived at the time. It was about an 8-10hr drive one way, so after a month I negotiated weekends at home. As it was in construction, I needed to be onsite during the week, but the company at least paid for my time/trip to go home. We were only married for 2 years, and during that time my wife became pregnant with our first child. She went through that pregnancy basically on her own. I was home Friday nights about 7pm, and then was gone Monday morning by 4am. It was a tough time. I took the job because we were young and I didn't want to change careers. I put a lot of time and effort into certifications and rising up through the industry to leave it behind. I was an idiot. My daughter was a late birth so we scheduled time. I requested the time off and I was told I could be there for 3 days then back to the job site. Until that point, I turned a blind eye and was too stubborn to believe I had made a mistake. I told my wife we could do anything for a year and we'd be fine. We were never fine, and I don't think we've been fine since. We'll be married for 22 years this summer. We have major issues and it can be traced back to that year. I was there for the birth and got to take her home and spent a day with my new family. Then back to work for a couple of days. I tried to make the most out of my weekends, but there is not enough time on a Saturday or Sunday to make up for missing 5 days of bonding with a newborn during the week. Even when I left that job two months later and spent everyday with my family, my daughter didn't want to leave my wife. It took a long time for her to warm up to me, like I was a stranger - which I guess I was at that time.

If I could go back in time to that day, I'd slap that idiot in his face and tell him that jobs are a dime a dozen and he can find something local. That his family should come first, not trying to build a career that won't last. I haven't been in that industry since I left the following year. Since then I've gained experience in Fulfillment, Printing, Business Process Design, IT, Project Management and now settled into a BA role at a large (and local) retail company. Much happier now, but still living with many regrets.

Sounds like you're really thinking this through, which is a good sign. Make the best decision for you and your family. I thought I was young enough that we could rebound, we kind of did - but relationship wise, we never truly made it back. IMO, keep family first and do what's best for them now and not the long run.

 

[Manster]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

His kids are 16 and 18 though. Kids that age, if he really wants the job, I think you could make it work. Guess it depends on the kid. Not like we’re talking about little kids here.

Priorities I guess....at the end of the day, I'm trying to be the parent that goes to all my kids' stuff. I've chosen a career path that allows me to do that. Ive been able to coach, or attend most everything so far. I would not trade that for any amount of money.

 

[bigbottom]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

I think these are all great points. I was more taking issue with the categorical statement than the context of this particular situation.

As a p.s., I think it’s a really interesting question about whether there is more parental involvement today or less, particularly from dads. My dad was pretty much uninvolved in my day to day life growing up. He worked hard and supported our family. But he didn’t go to my soccer games or track meets, or help me with schoolwork. And I don’t think he was unusual at all for the time. None of the dads I knew then were anything like the dads I know today who are all hyper-involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Sure, I suspect we have more single parent households today than we did then, but I see way more parental involvement today based on the world I live in (which admittedly may not be representative). If anything, there may even be too much parental involvement. It’s possible the pendulum has swung a bit too far in the other direction.

 

[Manster]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

I think these are all great points. I was more taking issue with the categorical statement than the context of this particular situation.

As a p.s., I think it’s a really interesting question about whether there is more parental involvement today or less, particularly from dads. My dad was pretty much uninvolved in my day to day life growing up. He worked hard and supported our family. But he didn’t go to my soccer games or track meets, or help me with schoolwork. And I don’t think he was unusual at all for the time. None of the dads I knew then were anything like the dads I know today who are all hyper-involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Sure, I suspect we have more single parent households today than we did then, but I tend to think, if anything, there is too much parental involvement based on the world I live in (which admittedly may not be representative).

This is a good point, and kind of what I was getting at when I said I had experience. My father was there, but not involved, and emotionally unavailable. Therefore, I never knew how to approach him.....and I needed him for certain things.......and I've carried that over into my own relationships. But I am not the same man as my father. I have become emotionally available for my kids. I have taken on a more active role in raising them......but I am not a helicoptor parent. That's a whole different thing entirely.

 

[bigbottom]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

I think these are all great points. I was more taking issue with the categorical statement than the context of this particular situation.

As a p.s., I think it’s a really interesting question about whether there is more parental involvement today or less, particularly from dads. My dad was pretty much uninvolved in my day to day life growing up. He worked hard and supported our family. But he didn’t go to my soccer games or track meets, or help me with schoolwork. And I don’t think he was unusual at all for the time. None of the dads I knew then were anything like the dads I know today who are all hyper-involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Sure, I suspect we have more single parent households today than we did then, but I tend to think, if anything, there is too much parental involvement based on the world I live in (which admittedly may not be representative).

This is a good point, and kind of what I was getting at when I said I had experience. My father was there, but not involved, and emotionally unavailable. Therefore, I never knew how to approach him.....and I needed him for certain things.......and I've carried that over into my own relationships. But I am not the same man as my father. I have become emotionally available for my kids. I have taken on a more active role in raising them......but I am not a helicoptor parent. That's a whole different thing entirely.

Props to you for recognizing the father you want to be.

 

[Manster]

Career should never come before family

These are not mutually exclusive though. If you hold the role of primary breadwinner, curating/advancing/solidifying your career is a fundamental part of caring for your family.

Agreed. I look at this way...

If it comes down to promotions, or movements within your industry that take you away from being a "present" parent, it's a net loss, imo. The only exception would be if it were the only option you had to stay employed.....and then that should be a very temporary solution if you have kids at home, and you're not there.

I have some first hand experience with a non present parent. I'm not gonna whine about it, but it can be a problem especially during adolescence when things get weird......that's where parental guidance is most important.

Kids need both parents present, and actively involved, especially now. Are kids resilient? Sure, but there are roles to be be filled by both mother, and father......one important role of the father is protector. imo, one of the biggest issues we face as a society is the lack of parental involvement, and the breakdown of the family unit.....people having kids and getting divorced, etc......I know I'm getting off in the weeds here, but I'm trying to look at the big picture.

I think these are all great points. I was more taking issue with the categorical statement than the context of this particular situation.

As a p.s., I think it’s a really interesting question about whether there is more parental involvement today or less, particularly from dads. My dad was pretty much uninvolved in my day to day life growing up. He worked hard and supported our family. But he didn’t go to my soccer games or track meets, or help me with schoolwork. And I don’t think he was unusual at all for the time. None of the dads I knew then were anything like the dads I know today who are all hyper-involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Sure, I suspect we have more single parent households today than we did then, but I tend to think, if anything, there is too much parental involvement based on the world I live in (which admittedly may not be representative).

This is a good point, and kind of what I was getting at when I said I had experience. My father was there, but not involved, and emotionally unavailable. Therefore, I never knew how to approach him.....and I needed him for certain things.......and I've carried that over into my own relationships. But I am not the same man as my father. I have become emotionally available for my kids. I have taken on a more active role in raising them......but I am not a helicoptor parent. That's a whole different thing entirely.

Props to you for recognizing the father you want to be.

I am far from perfect. I have my own faults. I also try to have self awareness, and reflection.

 

[GordonGekko]

Unless there is a terrible parent/kid relationship, I think most parents would pay just about anything to have 2 more years of their kids home with them. It’s part of life that kids grow up and move on and ultimately we want that for them, but I just can’t imagine essentially giving up the last 2 years of that time with them.

Everyone has their own needs and every situation is different though.

I'm going to make a general statement, and this is not reflective of the OP nor his specific situation/circumstances -

If you haven't done right by your kids as a parent ( or as parents) from ages 0-16, then trying to salvage that from ages 16-18 probably won't redeem the situation.

Do you know what the worst "booby prize" a parent can give to a child? When that child gets out of college, then that kid has to earn and eat the stress of being the parent(s) full retirement plan.

Look at the other thread that happened over a month ago. Father was the sole breadwinner. Wife wouldn't work. Wife kept pressuring husband to earn and kept demanding circumstances that didn't add up practically. If the father dies in that scenario, then what happens? Well the 15 year old son is forced to grow up fast and be the primary breadwinner. He's now the full retirement plan for the mother. Welcome to the real world kid.

So the parents having financial security / making good career decisions is also IMHO about creating that opportunity for young people to go live a young person's life.

My godson actually didn't want to leave me. What I mean is, my health is in such a poor state now, that he felt obligated to stay behind. Even though I have the means for full time medical care / assistance , etc, etc. There are two sides of this coin. On one hand, the relentless brutal hours and stress for decade after decade in the grind did a heavy number on my health. And I actually made strong efforts to take care of my health too. And the flip side is all that heavy work created the financial leverage where my godson has real choices and he's not beholden to take care of me in old age because there are no other pathways. I wanted my godson to be free and be young. Is there are part of me that wanted him to stay? Of course. But I understand he needs to be around people his own age, to have fun and garner experiences and learn from his own mistakes without this old man looking over his shoulder.

There is a real wall for most people in the work force past age 50. Those in some kind of public service don't see it the same way. It's hard for a teacher or someone on the government dole to really understand the level of savagery and ruthlessness of the private sector if they haven't been there for a long time ( or at all)

One thing I can say for certain, I will never be a financial burden for my godson. So a father taking care of his career now at 48, the timeline of the OP, can be, in a roundabout way, a positive thing for the long term for the entire family.

Sometimes I think there needs to be a recalibration in what it means to have disappointment in a family dynamic. Moving away 600 miles and having to leave your friends and routine behind isn't ideal for a teenager, but you still have a roof over your head, food on your table, and your family is still together. I distinctly remember my 13th birthday. I got my head slammed into the kitchen wall. Then into a fridge. Then my drunk father proceeded to kick me while I was on the ground. I could hear the click. My mother shutting the door to the bedroom to pretend none of it was happening. My crime? Being born. I honestly don't think some of you really understand it when I say, "At least you will be together with your family, even when it's not thick, but all you have is the thin"

Why isn't being together enough?

Something I've always tried to remember is that while life isn't fair, odds are it was more fair to me than most people who have ever lived on this planet. And even while I was sleeping in the streets and eating out of garbage cans, there were still a billion people in the world that would rather trade places with me than what they had in their own lives.

I'd write a check for ten millions dollars tonight, to be able to go back in time, to an ideal world, where I could sit down to a home cooked meal, and to know that my parents wanted me and loved me and wanted the best for me, even if all we had was squalor. If any of you have that right now, the pure simplicity of "being together", then you are far wealthier in this life than I will ever be.

If being together is not enough, even if it's hard, then those people involved might want to rethink on what it really means to be a family.

 

[-OZ-]

We’ve done it too often for various reasons (almost all involuntary), as have most of my friends and colleagues. One constant is those who have been separated while a kid is in HS have all regretted it. At least somewhat.

I’d wait until the kids are out of school, opportunities do come up again.

 

[bigbottom]

To echo GG’s point, I do think that many kids are really resilient and that moving the family should be something that is at least considered, even if ultimately discarded as an option. I was a military brat my entire childhood and moved every 1-3 years from birth to high school graduation, including at age 16. It was challenging, but I truly believe I’m better for the experience. So if the opportunity to become a company president is a great opportunity for your career, your ability to provide for your family, and your own job satisfaction and mental health, I think it’s at least worth some level of consideration.

Not that this is remotely the same situation as the OP, but I have a dear friend who was the sole breadwinner and deeply unsatisfied with his job situation. It was so bad that he suffered from anxiety and depression. But the nature of his vocation and how high up he was meant that other opportunities in the area were really scarce. When a fantastic opportunity finally came along, it was on the other side of the country. After much deliberation with his wife and kids (one of whom was right in the middle of high school), they decided to make the move. His work life is now extremely satisfying and successful, and his mental health is vastly improved. And his wife and kids? They are absolutely thriving, and their family is stronger than ever. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes the family needs to make a sacrifice for the sole breadwinner because that person needs to succeed for the family to succeed. Again, that likely doesn’t apply to the OP as he seems to be quite successful (though perhaps not completely happy) in his current job situation.

 

[johnnycakes]

Here's the story of a suburban Boston chick who thought she'd commute between Boston and Washington DC.... https://www.nbcboston.com/news/loca...-wednesday-as-he-faces-murder-charge/2947964/

 

[IrishTwinkie]

I say this as someone sitting in a recently emptied nest. The kids grow up and start their lives way too soon. While I am very proud of the adults they are turning into, I am not sure who allowed them to grow up. Looking back the, time goes entirely too quickly. I don't think I'd be willing to give the final two years knowing what I know now. I am lucky if I see my oldest more than a couple times a year now and I know the second will be even worse. He is/was dying to spread his wings.

 

[The Duff Man]

I really appreciate the dialog and shared experiences.

Going to talk to the potential new company about this later in the week and see what kind of flexibility they may have.

 

[ghostguy123]

I really appreciate the dialog and shared experiences.

Going to talk to the potential new company about this later in the week and see what kind of flexibility they may have.

As long as you know that what they tell and then what actually happens can often times be two very different things.
I can easily see a situation you get asked to or guilted into missing your time back home to help them.
Meh, don't do it.

 

[Judge Smails]

While I get the “everyone moves or nobody moves” mindset - those 2 kids in high school will not want to move. Uprooting them should be a last resort. I somehow avoided relocation for my entire career. Have had colleagues do it and they to a person regretted it. One guy uprooted his whole family from CA to MD. Wife and kids hated it. Then a year later he was let go. And because they sold at the low of the market at the time and prices went up they moved back into less house than they had.

I told myself that the only jobs I would consider moving for is CEO or President. And if kids were out of school. Those jobs were bigger pay/equity gigs. Question to the OP - would you not get decent equity with this President gig? If you aren’t getting a piece of the company then it’s an easy decision IMO

 

[Terminalxylem]

Cherish the time with your kids, and your freedom once they’re off in college. Unless your current job sucks, I’d pare back responsibilities in my 50‘s, and enjoy time away from work, while your body and mind are still healthy.

I’m probably a little cynical about the prospects of a dream job, and not particularly ambitious. Still, I think most people enjoy time away from work more than their job. If you already have a well paying, decent job, you‘re ahead of the game, Delay retirement and work less if you have that luxury.

 

[MTskibum]

It is pretty common in my industry to do 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off. In fact my skiing buddy who I am meeting at a-basin tomorrow currently works that schedule. He has been working that schedule for ~7 years and has a 2 year old.

I think that he is generally happy, but his wife graduates with her PHD in a few months and when she goes to work I think he is going to find a job with more traditional working hours.


I did that schedule before my wife and I had kids and would have no problem going back to that schedule without kids. However, that is because you get 26 weeks off per year.

 

[Gawain]

I did this as well, but kids were much younger. Wife and I lived with two on Long Island. We wanted her to transition to a SAHM and buy a house, which necessitated not paying Long Island prices.

Got a new job October 15 and moved away. Went back twice and my wife came up once to look at houses. Whole family moved into new house December 15. I still regret missing those two months, even though they were a necessary evil.

 

[Manster]

To echo GG’s point, I do think that many kids are really resilient and that moving the family should be something that is at least considered, even if ultimately discarded as an option. I was a military brat my entire childhood and moved every 1-3 years from birth to high school graduation, including at age 16. It was challenging, but I truly believe I’m better for the experience. So if the opportunity to become a company president is a great opportunity for your career, your ability to provide for your family, and your own job satisfaction and mental health, I think it’s at least worth some level of consideration.

Not that this is remotely the same situation as the OP, but I have a dear friend who was the sole breadwinner and deeply unsatisfied with his job situation. It was so bad that he suffered from anxiety and depression. But the nature of his vocation and how high up he was meant that other opportunities in the area were really scarce. When a fantastic opportunity finally came along, it was on the other side of the country. After much deliberation with his wife and kids (one of whom was right in the middle of high school), they decided to make the move. His work life is now extremely satisfying and successful, and his mental health is vastly improved. And his wife and kids? They are absolutely thriving, and their family is stronger than ever. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes the family needs to make a sacrifice for the sole breadwinner because that person needs to succeed for the family to succeed. Again, that likely doesn’t apply to the OP as he seems to be quite successful (though perhaps not completely happy) in his current job situation.

This sounds like the whole family was suffering because of the mental stress to the breadwinner, and once the breadwinner was happier, everyone became happier.

Kids feed off of parents energy.

 

[Manster]

Unless there is a terrible parent/kid relationship, I think most parents would pay just about anything to have 2 more years of their kids home with them. It’s part of life that kids grow up and move on and ultimately we want that for them, but I just can’t imagine essentially giving up the last 2 years of that time with them.

Everyone has their own needs and every situation is different though.

I'm going to make a general statement, and this is not reflective of the OP nor his specific situation/circumstances -

If you haven't done right by your kids as a parent ( or as parents) from ages 0-16, then trying to salvage that from ages 16-18 probably won't redeem the situation.

Do you know what the worst "booby prize" a parent can give to a child? When that child gets out of college, then that kid has to earn and eat the stress of being the parent(s) full retirement plan.

Look at the other thread that happened over a month ago. Father was the sole breadwinner. Wife wouldn't work. Wife kept pressuring husband to earn and kept demanding circumstances that didn't add up practically. If the father dies in that scenario, then what happens? Well the 15 year old son is forced to grow up fast and be the primary breadwinner. He's now the full retirement plan for the mother. Welcome to the real world kid.

So the parents having financial security / making good career decisions is also IMHO about creating that opportunity for young people to go live a young person's life.

My godson actually didn't want to leave me. What I mean is, my health is in such a poor state now, that he felt obligated to stay behind. Even though I have the means for full time medical care / assistance , etc, etc. There are two sides of this coin. On one hand, the relentless brutal hours and stress for decade after decade in the grind did a heavy number on my health. And I actually made strong efforts to take care of my health too. And the flip side is all that heavy work created the financial leverage where my godson has real choices and he's not beholden to take care of me in old age because there are no other pathways. I wanted my godson to be free and be young. Is there are part of me that wanted him to stay? Of course. But I understand he needs to be around people his own age, to have fun and garner experiences and learn from his own mistakes without this old man looking over his shoulder.

There is a real wall for most people in the work force past age 50. Those in some kind of public service don't see it the same way. It's hard for a teacher or someone on the government dole to really understand the level of savagery and ruthlessness of the private sector if they haven't been there for a long time ( or at all)

One thing I can say for certain, I will never be a financial burden for my godson. So a father taking care of his career now at 48, the timeline of the OP, can be, in a roundabout way, a positive thing for the long term for the entire family.

Sometimes I think there needs to be a recalibration in what it means to have disappointment in a family dynamic. Moving away 600 miles and having to leave your friends and routine behind isn't ideal for a teenager, but you still have a roof over your head, food on your table, and your family is still together. I distinctly remember my 13th birthday. I got my head slammed into the kitchen wall. Then into a fridge. Then my drunk father proceeded to kick me while I was on the ground. I could hear the click. My mother shutting the door to the bedroom to pretend none of it was happening. My crime? Being born. I honestly don't think some of you really understand it when I say, "At least you will be together with your family, even when it's not thick, but all you have is the thin"

Why isn't being together enough?

Something I've always tried to remember is that while life isn't fair, odds are it was more fair to me than most people who have ever lived on this planet. And even while I was sleeping in the streets and eating out of garbage cans, there were still a billion people in the world that would rather trade places with me than what they had in their own lives.

I'd write a check for ten millions dollars tonight, to be able to go back in time, to an ideal world, where I could sit down to a home cooked meal, and to know that my parents wanted me and loved me and wanted the best for me, even if all we had was squalor. If any of you have that right now, the pure simplicity of "being together", then you are far wealthier in this life than I will ever be.

If being together is not enough, even if it's hard, then those people involved might want to rethink on what it really means to be a family.

We all have different experiences.....some kids are more resilient. Some kids fail even with a normal, solid family life. The thing is, much of our adult makeup is cemented in adolescence. As a parent, I think it makes sense to remove as many negative variables as you can for a kid growing up......moving, or not having a parent around during adolescence are negatives.

These decisions should be made with everyone's mental health in consideration. Financial security is great, but it's not more important than mental health. imo, that should be the default....consider all ways in which everyone in the family will be affected, and go from there.

The reality is, just by being a parent who is willing to consider these things is a huge step in the right direction, no matter the ultimate decision. Communication, including actually hearing your children, and what they need, is soooooo much better than children are seen, but not heard.....or worse.