Weapon of Mass Instruction
Watch my feet!
First, understand that the Nashville Scene is the local, independent, once a week paper. It is quite anti-establishment and irreverent. Anyway, here is what their sportswriter had to say this week.
Nashville Scene Article
Nashville Scene Article
To Merril Hoge, ESPN
From your toothless, ####### friends in Tennessee
by Randy Horick
I know you won’t mind if I write a bunch of insulting things about your dreams of citizenship in the reality-based community.
You, of all people, would understand if I suggested that not even the Houston Texans’ front office is as bad a judge of football talent as you are. Or that Rush Limbaugh—that drug-sucking halfwit who suggests that some black quarterbacks are deliberately overrated by our affirmative action media—sounds like Alex Genius Trebek compared to you. Or that you’re the only person standing between Sean Salisbury and the title of Biggest Toxic Waste Dump Masquerading as an NFL Analyst.
I know you won’t take it badly because, after all, bombast is your game. You understand that rhetorical excess is nothing personal, just the common coin of commentary in a crowded media marketplace. It’s nothing personal.
But I’m not writing this to bash you or to suggest, as others have, that you experienced one too many concussions during your playing days with the Steelers. I’m here to offer you a spotlight and a mulligan.
On the air, you’ve said some pretty severe things about Vince Young over the past several months. He is “clearly not ready to step onto the field in the National Football League,” you said. “There are no signs of this guy ever being a bona fide, legitimate quarterback in the NFL,” you said. Vince “lacks anticipation and awareness,” you said. “He can’t run the ball like [Michael] Vick. He can’t get away from people. People run him down and take shots at him.”
Vince’s selection by the Titans, you said, represents an “additional dismantling of an organization based on a bad pick in the first round of a quarterback…. The Titans are stuck with Vince Young for the next three years, and they can’t get rid of him, no matter how much they obviously might want to.”
When Vince began to show flashes of brilliance, you stuck by your earlier pronouncements: “The Titans have done a great job of hiding, not highlighting, their quarterback.”
In light of recent developments—in case you missed it, a four-game winning streak, with increasingly impressive performances by Vince in each one—it seemed only sporting to offer you an opportunity for a do-over, commentary-wise.
Did you notice how no-Vick Vince couldn’t run away from people on his way to the end zone in Houston last Sunday? Since you’ve said that no one who had watched the same videotape you’d seen would draft Vince Young in the first round, I just wanted to make sure you had seen the footage of Vince’s game-ending scamper. (It was on ESPN a bunch.)
We’uns in Tennessee realize there’s probably some explanation why Vince’s touchdown doesn’t prove anything—just like Rob Bironas single-handedly beat Indianapolis with his 60-yard field goal, and just like the Titans won the week before that only because the Giants went collectively stupid. Maybe, on the winning play in Houston, one of Vince’s teammates who scored higher on the Wunderlic test compensated for Vince’s lack of awareness and anticipation by telling him at the appropriate moment to get his skinny, unaware butt down the field for those final 39 yards.
Now, we can watch a lot of football down here with our satellite dishes in mobile home parks, and we don’t need more than 10 bare toes to cipher out that the Titans have gone 6-4 since Jeff Fisher tossed Vince into the fray. But there’s a lot of “expert” stuff we don’t know. Like how, even though it looks like Vince is doing the same things for the Titans that he did for the University of Texas—making ridiculous plays look easy, making everybody around him better through his leadership, and winning games—we’re just not able to see the “game within the game” like you can.
Through our uninformed eyes, you’re starting to look like George Bush spouting like the de-curtained Wizard of Oz about how we’re winning in Iraq. And nobody wants you to look like that. We’d like to get all this mess straightened out.
That’s why I’m inviting you to come down to Nashville. (Bonus info: our airport is served by several major airlines.) Do a live remote for one of your pregame shows. Watch Vince play in person.
If you’d like to eat your earlier words, I’ll buy you some nice beverages at McCabe Pub to wash them down with. If not, you can at least explain to our faces why we just don’t get it that Vince is a bum or a fluke.
So come on, Merril? What do you say? We won’t bite. As everyone in Connecticut knows, we don’t have teeth.