My dad (1 Viewer)

[shadyridr]

1. My mom passed away in march

2. My mom and dad had a loveless marriage. They never slept in the same bed, never said they loved eachother, never went anywhere, never did anything.

3. I think he loved her. He provided for her, me and my brothers. He took her to every chemo therapy session for four years, worked three jobs to pay her medical bills.

4. He acts the same way towards us, never says he loves us. I don't recall him ever saying it to me. He's one of those dads that always has to insult you, can never say anything nice, always has to prove hes smarter and better than you.

And here's the main point of the thread.

He's seeing someone. Not sure where he met her. I think an online dating site. I think she's been married twice before. She's 51, hes 66. According to him she lives a very modest life (I'm assuming this means poor). My dad has decent money and a nice house.. He sleeps over her house EVERY single night. We never see him anymore. He's started fights recently dropping hints that we only care about his money and she's the only one who doesn't. None of us ever met her. He hasn't seen my son since thanksgiving. On thanksgiving he basically waited until we left so he could goto her house. He doesn't ask me how his grandson is doing

Ill be honest, i don't really care too much for my dad. I love him only cuz hes my dad. The thing that bothers me most is after my mom died, he said the only way we get they this is if we stick together and hes the one whos driving a divide between himself and his family. Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Anyone have to deal with this from a widowed parent. I'm worried hes getting taken advantage of but I'm not sure. I'm embarrassed hes acting like this and it pisses me offt some stranger getting treated like royalty while he never treated my mom or my brothers good our whole lives.

 

[Raider Nation]

Sorry if I'm off the rails here, but are you suspecting that your dad was with this woman prior to your mom passing?

 

[shadyridr]

Sorry if I'm off the rails here, but are you suspecting that your dad was with this woman prior to your mom passing?

I don't think so. Taking care of my mom was a 24/7 job and he worked three jobs in his off time. I think he moved on very quickly too but more because he basically didnt love my mom. Although he did cry quite a bit when she passed.

 

[Raider Nation]

And one other possibly dooshy question, but I have to ask.

Would all of this be bothering you this much if your dad didn't have money? I only wonder because you admitted that you don't really care for him. So could some of this legitimately be you worrying about your inheritance?

 

[shadyridr]

And one other possibly dooshy question, but I have to ask.

Would all of this be bothering you this much if your dad didn't have money? I only wonder because you admitted that you don't really care for him. So could some of this legitimately be you worrying about your inheritance?

It doesn't bother me if i got zero money. It would bother me if she got all the money. Does that make sense?And he's not rich by any means so i wouldn't call it an inheritance. I'm not talking life changing money or anything.

Edit. I did say alot of money in the OP. that's no accurate and ill edit.

 

[Raider Nation]

It absolutely makes sense. Totally sucks that he evidently doesn't care about being in your son's life.

Hopefully someone with experience in these matters will post soon.

 

[shadyridr]

I've heard horror stories of older widowers getting taken advantage of and I'm worried for numerous reasons.

 

[Abraham]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping.

My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone.

You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.

*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

 

[Kool-Aid Larry]

has he mentioned lending her '3 racks'?

 

[Mr. Pickles]

A colleague of mine lost his wife after she battled cancer for several years. He started dating almost immediately and was getting married in a matter of months. His kids, who are all older than me and scattered throughout the country, were LIVID. At least that's how he relayed it to me. He didn't get it.

Their marriage, by all accounts, was relatively happy. They did a lot of things together and got along perfectly well in public. Still, 40 or so years of marriage is a tough slog, and I'm sure that he was, in some ways, enjoying his sudden liberation. The way he explained it was that he was surprised himself at meeting someone he clicked with so quickly (in his 60s, no less), and that had it not been this magical alignment, he wouldn't have pulled the trigger so quickly. My guess is that this was more a product of him being single again for the first time in eons, not really anything all that unique or magical.

All of his kids were doing just fine on their own, so money was probably not the primary thing on their mind. I think they were were aghast that he remarried so quickly given the long fight their mom had with cancer. It just didn't look or feel right to them at all.

My grandfather went through a similar thing in his 70s. After my grandmother died, he started to date a woman that he'd known for a very long time. He kept pushing marriage, but she wisely declined and eventually moved on. In that case, we were more worried about the woman he was dating since he seemed to be smothering her and was overly protective. He wasn't being himself with her and was obviously harboring some issues about suddenly losing my grandmother (who was much younger).

I think for the most part the kids will worry whether their newly single parent is making the right decision, but in the end, there isn't much you can do about it. It's their life.

 

[geoff8695]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

THIS is exactly the attitude and approach I would hope to have if I were in the OP's shoes...

 

[Dr. Awesome]

Don't really have any advice to offer you but best wishes and best of luck. Not easy to deal with a jerk, especially when it's a parent.

 

[Zegras11]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

 

[Carolina Hustler]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

 

[shadyridr]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

I'm just not ready to meet her. Its too soon for me. I want him to be happy and dont want him to be alone so thats not the issue. I dont begrudge him at all for doing this so quickly, its just the fact that he spends every single day at her place that bothers me. He never treated mom like this. Sure when she was sick he was by her side but it was all those years she was healthy that he basically ignored her.And Im not goona tell him I love him. Hes never said it to me. Im not gonna put myself out there like that. One night after leaving the hospital when my mom was on her death bed, I told him I appreciate everything he did for her and he basically ignored me without a response.

 

[shadyridr]

A colleague of mine lost his wife after she battled cancer for several years. He started dating almost immediately and was getting married in a matter of months. His kids, who are all older than me and scattered throughout the country, were LIVID. At least that's how he relayed it to me. He didn't get it.Their marriage, by all accounts, was relatively happy. They did a lot of things together and got along perfectly well in public. Still, 40 or so years of marriage is a tough slog, and I'm sure that he was, in some ways, enjoying his sudden liberation. The way he explained it was that he was surprised himself at meeting someone he clicked with so quickly (in his 60s, no less), and that had it not been this magical alignment, he wouldn't have pulled the trigger so quickly. My guess is that this was more a product of him being single again for the first time in eons, not really anything all that unique or magical. All of his kids were doing just fine on their own, so money was probably not the primary thing on their mind. I think they were were aghast that he remarried so quickly given the long fight their mom had with cancer. It just didn't look or feel right to them at all.My grandfather went through a similar thing in his 70s. After my grandmother died, he started to date a woman that he'd known for a very long time. He kept pushing marriage, but she wisely declined and eventually moved on. In that case, we were more worried about the woman he was dating since he seemed to be smothering her and was overly protective. He wasn't being himself with her and was obviously harboring some issues about suddenly losing my grandmother (who was much younger).I think for the most part the kids will worry whether their newly single parent is making the right decision, but in the end, there isn't much you can do about it. It's their life.

This is kind of my feeling. There is nothing I can do about it. I just dont want him taken advantage of. Thanks for the feedback

 

[Keerock]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

This.

 

[dgreen]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

 

[shadyridr]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

 

[snogger]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

From my experience and reading what you wrote... even though it sucks to do it, it sounds like you need to "move on".. My Mother has been what I call an "absentee" parent since I moved out 27 years ago. Never was a big part of my life, knew I had horrible money issues during college ( to the point where I had bread and jelly and that was it in my apartment) and yet never once offered to help.She had always been "cold" towards my wife, probably because my wife isn't one to hold her tongue and spoke her mind more then once about the way my mother was so "cold" towards us.When my daughter was born in 1998 I really thought she would change and become a bigger part of our lives, if for nothing else our daughters sake.. Nope. :(Two years ago things finally came to a point where the stress of dealing with her and the hurt feelings of her not caring wasn't worth it so we broke ties with her. Last Christmas sucked as it was the first time in 44 years where I didn't have Christmas with her.. But our lives are so much better now.. so little stress and as time has gone on I realize it was for the better to put distance between us.As you said about your dad, I love her because she is my mother but it ends there.It's hard to explain but that "gut" feeling I think I should have for her, like I have for my Dad, Wife and Daughter is just not there for my Mother and I realize it hadn't been there for many years.Good luck.

 

[matuski]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

 

[johnnycakes]

Sorry if I'm off the rails here, but are you suspecting that your dad was with this woman prior to your mom passing?

I don't think so. Taking care of my mom was a 24/7 job and he worked three jobs in his off time. I think he moved on very quickly too but more because he basically didnt love my mom. Although he did cry quite a bit when she passed.

Sure sounds to me like he loved your mom.

 

[El Floppo]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping. My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone. You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

I'm just not ready to meet her. Its too soon for me. I want him to be happy and dont want him to be alone so thats not the issue. I dont begrudge him at all for doing this so quickly, its just the fact that he spends every single day at her place that bothers me. He never treated mom like this. Sure when she was sick he was by her side but it was all those years she was healthy that he basically ignored her.And Im not goona tell him I love him. Hes never said it to me. Im not gonna put myself out there like that. One night after leaving the hospital when my mom was on her death bed, I told him I appreciate everything he did for her and he basically ignored me without a response.

Is it possible your mom got this kind of attention when they first met?I lean towards Abe's sentiments. Also consider that everyone has different methods of coping with grief and mourning. Give your dad some apace- but be wary of the new woman.

 

[shadyridr]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

The whole money argument started cuz my aunt (my mom's sister) bought an edible arrangement for my uncle (my moms BIL) because he had heart surgery. My aunt put my Dads name on the arrangement and my Dad called her to thank her for including him because my uncle drove my mom to the hospital for surgerys/chemo, etc whenever my Dad wasnt available. Then she asked for $30 to pay for half of it and he flipped out and said we're all out for his money and the only one who isnt is this woman.

 

[shadyridr]

Sorry if I'm off the rails here, but are you suspecting that your dad was with this woman prior to your mom passing?

I don't think so. Taking care of my mom was a 24/7 job and he worked three jobs in his off time. I think he moved on very quickly too but more because he basically didnt love my mom. Although he did cry quite a bit when she passed.

Sure sounds to me like he loved your mom.

And I readily admit that in #3 in my OP

 

[shadyridr]

Is it possible your mom got this kind of attention when they first met?

Id say its very possible if not probable. I doubt they always had a "loveless" relationship otherwise why would they get married? I just never saw it in my whole life.

 

[Jewell]

4. He acts the same way towards us, never says he loves us. I don't recall him ever saying it to me. He's one of those dads that always has to insult you, can never say anything nice, always has to prove hes smarter and better than you.

Next time that you're at home, when you're walking by your dad, suddenly grab him and give him a big hug.  Don't let go. Repeat over-and-over again "It's not your fault, Dad.  It's not your fault."I think you'll both be surprised at the magic and awkwardness of that moment..

 

[dgreen]

4. He acts the same way towards us, never says he loves us. I don't recall him ever saying it to me. He's one of those dads that always has to insult you, can never say anything nice, always has to prove hes smarter and better than you.

Next time that you're at home, when you're walking by your dad, suddenly grab him and give him a big hug.  Don't let go. Repeat over-and-over again "It's not your fault, Dad.  It's not your fault."I think you'll both be surprised at the magic and awkwardness of that moment..

"Not you, shadyridr. Not you."

 

[shadyridr]

I'd have to side with your Dad here.

You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

Also, the money was brought up because we dont want him taken advantage of. Hes also broken many other traditions that are bothering both my brothers. For one, it was tradition with my youngest brother to get coffee with him every Sunday morning. That has suddenly stopped. For another, he used to watch Dexter every Sunday night with my middle brother. That has suddenly stopped. And for me, besides not seeing my son cuz hes never home, I texted him about ARod having hip surgery (we talked Yankee baseball all the time) and even a day later he had no clue about the news.I know its little stuff but its annoying how much time he spends with this woman. I mean for Gods sake, he practically kicked us out on Thanksgiving to go spend time with her. This was the first Thanksgiving without mom.

 

[shadyridr]

4. He acts the same way towards us, never says he loves us. I don't recall him ever saying it to me. He's one of those dads that always has to insult you, can never say anything nice, always has to prove hes smarter and better than you.

Next time that you're at home, when you're walking by your dad, suddenly grab him and give him a big hug.  Don't let go. Repeat over-and-over again "It's not your fault, Dad.  It's not your fault."I think you'll both be surprised at the magic and awkwardness of that moment..

Just reading that makes my skin crawl lol. Its funny, cuz my FIL is the EXACT opposite. He tells me he loves me all the time. I promised to raise my son more like my FIL treats me.

 

[matuski]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

The whole money argument started cuz my aunt (my mom's sister) bought an edible arrangement for my uncle (my moms BIL) because he had heart surgery. My aunt put my Dads name on the arrangement and my Dad called her to thank her for including him because my uncle drove my mom to the hospital for surgerys/chemo, etc whenever my Dad wasnt available. Then she asked for $30 to pay for half of it and he flipped out and said we're all out for his money and the only one who isnt is this woman.

Like I said.... for whatever reason you can't talk to him about the important stuff, but he is hearing plenty about the money.Sounds like everyone is unable or unwilling to be the bigger person when it comes to bringing the family together. Sounds like a couple people have had no issue bringing up the money.

I've never committed someone else to buying a gift before buying the gift.. have you? I'm about to spend a couple thousand on something nice for my mom... I think I'll put a few other family members' name on it and bill them later for part of the cost.

 

[shadyridr]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

The whole money argument started cuz my aunt (my mom's sister) bought an edible arrangement for my uncle (my moms BIL) because he had heart surgery. My aunt put my Dads name on the arrangement and my Dad called her to thank her for including him because my uncle drove my mom to the hospital for surgerys/chemo, etc whenever my Dad wasnt available. Then she asked for $30 to pay for half of it and he flipped out and said we're all out for his money and the only one who isnt is this woman.

Like I said.... for whatever reason you can't talk to him about the important stuff, but he is hearing plenty about the money.Sounds like everyone is unable or unwilling to be the bigger person when it comes to bringing the family together. Sounds like a couple people have had no issue bringing up the money.

I've never committed someone else to buying a gift before buying the gift.. have you? I'm about to spend a couple thousand on something nice for my mom... I think I'll put a few other family members' name on it and bill them later for part of the cost.

First of all its $30, second of all he called her to thank her for putting his name on it.

 

[wikkidpissah]

I wish i could find some consolation for you, but i'm afraid you're going to have to surf this one out. If your dad feels owed his happiness after "serving his time", there will be no diverting him from this fixation. Positive engagement (the gf is indeed who you should be engaging, since she is not in the grip of this very-common mania) or letting him go through this phase much the way he probably did yours, hoping for the best outcome, are the only strategies here that arent incendiary. GL -

 

[=Smackdown=]

God bless him for finding someone at 66. Any idea what is like to be alone after 20+ years marriage? Especially after caring for someone with cancer for 4+ years?

WISH I had the opportunity to speak to my Dad - I don't have that luxury.

IF I did I would do everything in my power to make things right.

 

[rick6668]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

The whole money argument started cuz my aunt (my mom's sister) bought an edible arrangement for my uncle (my moms BIL) because he had heart surgery. My aunt put my Dads name on the arrangement and my Dad called her to thank her for including him because my uncle drove my mom to the hospital for surgerys/chemo, etc whenever my Dad wasnt available. Then she asked for $30 to pay for half of it and he flipped out and said we're all out for his money and the only one who isnt is this woman.

Like I said.... for whatever reason you can't talk to him about the important stuff, but he is hearing plenty about the money.Sounds like everyone is unable or unwilling to be the bigger person when it comes to bringing the family together. Sounds like a couple people have had no issue bringing up the money.

I've never committed someone else to buying a gift before buying the gift.. have you? I'm about to spend a couple thousand on something nice for my mom... I think I'll put a few other family members' name on it and bill them later for part of the cost.

I agree, that is weird. It would have been nice if your Dad had offered to pay for part of it, but was in no way obligated. Your Aunt should have asked your Dad if he wanted to be included and split the cost beforehand, or she could have just included his name to be nice, but to ask for the money afterward is not good.

 

[matuski]

Mind you, talking to him about this will do no good. Hes not a talk it out kind of guy. H's an #######.

Depends on what you mean that it will do no good. It might be good for you to tell him what you are thinking even if he doesn't really respond or change anything.

My brother mentioned to him the other day to be careful with his money. His response was #### YOU

I'd have to side with your Dad here.You are portraying him as the paranoid one for thinking all you care about is his money. It seems the only thing your family can find the strength to be honest about is the money.

You can't tell him you love him or talk about being more involved in yours and your childrens lives... but the money Dad, be careful with the money. You have to find a way to communicate with him regarding love and family.

* I'm not judging, my Dad remarried relatively quickly while I was in college to a younger woman. I had a hard time with that for a bout a decade. Good luck.

The whole money argument started cuz my aunt (my mom's sister) bought an edible arrangement for my uncle (my moms BIL) because he had heart surgery. My aunt put my Dads name on the arrangement and my Dad called her to thank her for including him because my uncle drove my mom to the hospital for surgerys/chemo, etc whenever my Dad wasnt available. Then she asked for $30 to pay for half of it and he flipped out and said we're all out for his money and the only one who isnt is this woman.

Like I said.... for whatever reason you can't talk to him about the important stuff, but he is hearing plenty about the money.Sounds like everyone is unable or unwilling to be the bigger person when it comes to bringing the family together. Sounds like a couple people have had no issue bringing up the money.

I've never committed someone else to buying a gift before buying the gift.. have you? I'm about to spend a couple thousand on something nice for my mom... I think I'll put a few other family members' name on it and bill them later for part of the cost.

First of all its $30, second of all he called her to thank her for putting his name on it.

This is several posts in a row where you seem to be making every effort to miss the point.We can argue all day about who is right or wrong in this petty fight if you want.... but the fight itself is only an illustration of thhe larger issue. You won't even acknowledge here on a message board that I am talking about your relationship with your family as a whole. You seem willing to bicker back and forth about some flowers... I guess it helps you ignore the elephant in the room

 

[Abraham]

Shady, if you continue the same behavior (not expressing your feelings about it, etc) than you can expect the same results. Failing what I mentioned before maybe you should give him some room for a while.

 

[LongDuckDong]

I know its little stuff but its annoying how much time he spends with this woman. I mean for Gods sake, he practically kicked us out on Thanksgiving to go spend time with her. This was the first Thanksgiving without mom.

You have every right to grieve the loss of your mom in any way that you need to. Sooner you realize this is what you're really struggling with, the easier it will be for you to communicate here, with him, and anyone else you need to about this.

 

[snogger]

Shady, if you continue the same behavior (not expressing your feelings about it, etc) than you can expect the same results. Failing what I mentioned before maybe you should give him some room for a while.

You have to at least try to express your feelings.. It was part of the "final straw" between my mother and my family.. I expressed how hurt I was about how little she was trying to be a part of our family and she went into a rant blaming us.. Once I realized she wasn't going to change, it was easier to move on.give it a try.. let him know that you are hurt/disappointed with the way he has been distant with you and you'd like him to become a bigger part of your family. If he chooses not to, then you know you tried.. Just leave the Money out of the discussion as that will only bring up the wall.

 

[shadyridr]

This is several posts in a row where you seem to be making every effort to miss the point.We can argue all day about who is right or wrong in this petty fight if you want.... but the fight itself is only an illustration of thhe larger issue. You won't even acknowledge here on a message board that I am talking about your relationship with your family as a whole. You seem willing to bicker back and forth about some flowers... I guess it helps you ignore the elephant in the room

Actually, I think my aunt told my brother to tell him and he never did so I can understand my dad getting a little annoyed after the fact that he chipped in. I get that. But to then go on a whole diatribe about how we're all after his money and the only person whos not is this woman seemed a bit harsh, no? And FYI, all of this stuff went on with my aunt and brother who was telling me about all of this. I havent talked to my dad about money, this gift, or even this woman.

Shady, if you continue the same behavior (not expressing your feelings about it, etc) than you can expect the same results. Failing what I mentioned before maybe you should give him some room for a while.

Youre probably right

 

[El Floppo]

Shady- I'm not saying your dad should get a #1 Dad mug or anything, but some people have a weird hard time expressing the feeling with words. From the little you've described in here, it sounds like he did/does express his feelings towards your family, but just with actions- however small. Having these traditions with you and your brothers seems like a genuinely caring thing to me. Sharing those years with your mom, particularly his care at the end, does too. But I get that he can also be terrible too- especially with his words.

I mentioned the different coping mechanisms with grief thing earlier... that was meant about your dad, but also for you. You both lost somebody important and it ####### sucks. It sounds like the things you both want aren't converging right now- but that shouldn't mean writing him off or discounting what he might need to right now. Do your best to meet him as close to halfway as you can without putting any judgement on him or this new woman (and definitely don't mention money). Tell him you want him to be happy and leave it that. Also tell him that you don't want your kid to miss out on his Grandfather and ask how can we all make it work.

I'm not expressing this well- but I hope you get the gist.

####### cancer.

 

[comfortably numb]

My sil had something similar with her grandfather. He had a few million and when his wife died he started dating the woman who used to clean his house. Fast forward a month and the lady and her daughter are living with him and driving his cars and shopping.

My sil was ticked. Her dad, however, who always had a rocky relationship with his dad told her to settle down: it's his money and his time and his life as if he is happy then leave him alone.

You came asking advice so here is mine: tell him (in person, letter) that you would like him to consider introducing you to the new lady and you are glad to see him happy. You want your son to have a good relationship with him and that means all of you doing things together, even if "all of you" includes someone new. Tell him you love him, appreciate what he did for your mother* and you hope he chooses to spend his time with someone wonderful as she was.

*dont presume for a moment to know how your dad felt about your mom. He didn't tell her he loved her or slept in her bed. Yeah, big deal - he never left her side through ####### cancer. I imagine that's about as committed to a person as you can be.

I'm just not ready to meet her. Its too soon for me. I want him to be happy and dont want him to be alone so thats not the issue. I dont begrudge him at all for doing this so quickly, its just the fact that he spends every single day at her place that bothers me. He never treated mom like this. Sure when she was sick he was by her side but it was all those years she was healthy that he basically ignored her.And Im not goona tell him I love him. Hes never said it to me. Im not gonna put myself out there like that. One night after leaving the hospital when my mom was on her death bed, I told him I appreciate everything he did for her and he basically ignored me without a response.

So you are going to become your father in this relationship now?Old folks are hard and have a hard time expressing their feelings.

I don't think I ever heard my dad say I love you, I care for you, I miss you I anything.

I think the only time he seemed impressed was when I got a job at a gas station at 13.

He probably is acting very selfish now, and I understand your concern and you obviously are mad that she is getting all the attention you/your mom/your son aren't getting/haven't got but I think Abes advice is spot on.

 

[matuski]

This is several posts in a row where you seem to be making every effort to miss the point.We can argue all day about who is right or wrong in this petty fight if you want.... but the fight itself is only an illustration of thhe larger issue. You won't even acknowledge here on a message board that I am talking about your relationship with your family as a whole. You seem willing to bicker back and forth about some flowers... I guess it helps you ignore the elephant in the room

Actually, I think my aunt told my brother to tell him and he never did so I can understand my dad getting a little annoyed after the fact that he chipped in. I get that. But to then go on a whole diatribe about how we're all after his money and the only person whos not is this woman seemed a bit harsh, no? And FYI, all of this stuff went on with my aunt and brother who was telling me about all of this. I havent talked to my dad about money, this gift, or even this woman.

Another post ignoring anything I said that was important. I don't care about your aunt telling your brother's sister's dog.Go back and read the part about not being able to talk to your dad about anything but money.

 

[shadyridr]

Shady, if you continue the same behavior (not expressing your feelings about it, etc) than you can expect the same results. Failing what I mentioned before maybe you should give him some room for a while.

You have to at least try to express your feelings.. It was part of the "final straw" between my mother and my family.. I expressed how hurt I was about how little she was trying to be a part of our family and she went into a rant blaming us.. Once I realized she wasn't going to change, it was easier to move on.give it a try.. let him know that you are hurt/disappointed with the way he has been distant with you and you'd like him to become a bigger part of your family. If he chooses not to, then you know you tried.. Just leave the Money out of the discussion as that will only bring up the wall.

Yep, I havent had much discussion with him lately. All the stuff Ive been talking about has been discussions with my brother about him. Therefore, next time I ask him if he wants to see his grandson if he says hes not home ill tell him we need to talk. Honestly, the grandson aspect is the only thing I care about. I dont care about my relationship with him. I dont care about money. If he spent all his money living it up, I would be fine with that.

 

[shadyridr]

This is several posts in a row where you seem to be making every effort to miss the point.We can argue all day about who is right or wrong in this petty fight if you want.... but the fight itself is only an illustration of thhe larger issue. You won't even acknowledge here on a message board that I am talking about your relationship with your family as a whole. You seem willing to bicker back and forth about some flowers... I guess it helps you ignore the elephant in the room

Actually, I think my aunt told my brother to tell him and he never did so I can understand my dad getting a little annoyed after the fact that he chipped in. I get that. But to then go on a whole diatribe about how we're all after his money and the only person whos not is this woman seemed a bit harsh, no? And FYI, all of this stuff went on with my aunt and brother who was telling me about all of this. I havent talked to my dad about money, this gift, or even this woman.

Another post ignoring anything I said that was important. I don't care about your aunt telling your brother's sister's dog.Go back and read the part about not being able to talk to your dad about anything but money.

And you seem to be ignoring the fact that I havent talked to my dad about ANYTHING. Not even money. My Dad and I never had a good relationship and I never "talked" to him.

 

[comfortably numb]

Why don't you ask if he and his new woman want to go out to dinner with your family....(make sure you pay) or invite them to eat at your place.

Just so you know, the more you are "not ready" for this woman to be in your life, the faster he is going to cling to her and leave you guys behind.

 

[shadyridr]

Shady- I'm not saying your dad should get a #1 Dad mug or anything, but some people have a weird hard time expressing the feeling with words. From the little you've described in here, it sounds like he did/does express his feelings towards your family, but just with actions- however small. Having these traditions with you and your brothers seems like a genuinely caring thing to me. Sharing those years with your mom, particularly his care at the end, does too. But I get that he can also be terrible too- especially with his words.I mentioned the different coping mechanisms with grief thing earlier... that was meant about your dad, but also for you. You both lost somebody important and it ####### sucks. It sounds like the things you both want aren't converging right now- but that shouldn't mean writing him off or discounting what he might need to right now. Do your best to meet him as close to halfway as you can without putting any judgement on him or this new woman (and definitely don't mention money). Tell him you want him to be happy and leave it that. Also tell him that you don't want your kid to miss out on his Grandfather and ask how can we all make it work.I'm not expressing this well- but I hope you get the gist.####### cancer.

I get what you say 100%. You described my dad to a tee.

 

[shadyridr]

So you are going to become your father in this relationship now?

After 35 years of him treating me like that, is it a surprise I act the same way towards him? I am not going to become my father in the relationship now, I have always been.

 

[matuski]

This is several posts in a row where you seem to be making every effort to miss the point.We can argue all day about who is right or wrong in this petty fight if you want.... but the fight itself is only an illustration of thhe larger issue. You won't even acknowledge here on a message board that I am talking about your relationship with your family as a whole. You seem willing to bicker back and forth about some flowers... I guess it helps you ignore the elephant in the room

Actually, I think my aunt told my brother to tell him and he never did so I can understand my dad getting a little annoyed after the fact that he chipped in. I get that. But to then go on a whole diatribe about how we're all after his money and the only person whos not is this woman seemed a bit harsh, no? And FYI, all of this stuff went on with my aunt and brother who was telling me about all of this. I havent talked to my dad about money, this gift, or even this woman.

Another post ignoring anything I said that was important. I don't care about your aunt telling your brother's sister's dog.Go back and read the part about not being able to talk to your dad about anything but money.

And you seem to be ignoring the fact that I havent talked to my dad about ANYTHING. Not even money. My Dad and I never had a good relationship and I never "talked" to him.

I give up. I wasn't talking about just you.Your whole family. Someone has to step up. I'm a broken record here. Good luck.

 

[shadyridr]

Why don't you ask if he and his new woman want to go out to dinner with your family....(make sure you pay) or invite them to eat at your place.Just so you know, the more you are "not ready" for this woman to be in your life, the faster he is going to cling to her and leave you guys behind.

Well technically, he hasnt told us about his relationship yet.