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My dad is dying and I don’t know how to handle it (1 Viewer)

Capella

Footballguy
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.
Much love brother. Your dad sounds like a combination of my dad and my ex-stepdad. The trials of our childhoods made us the men we are today. Eff them.

Support your sister and give her a shoulder if she needs it, just be there for her.
 
Not much to add from the others … just sending love and the reminder that you are stronger than you realize. You lived through that childhood and came out on top. You will live through this and do the same. Be there for your sister and your boys, but don’t forget about your own needs. Experts, friends … heck even the jabronis on this site. People will be there for you when you need it.
 
One thing I learned when my parents went through illness and death and several of my friends went through the same experience is there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, you just have to move forward however you feel best from day to day. Sometimes you'll feel guilty that you didn't react the way people do in the movies or you didn't say or do the things some of your friends did in similar circumstances. You can't let any of that kind of guilt poison your mind. However you choose to deal with this is the exactly correct way for it to be done without exception. Whatever choices you make or words you speak are exactly what you should be doing and saying in that moment and there is never any reason for regret.
 
Hey @Capella, thanks for sharing and sorry to hear about your situation. Not sure I have a ton to offer as my relationship/situation with my father isn’t too different. Where it is different though is we stopped speaking about 20yrs ago, despite living 15mins apart. No blow up or fight, I just stopped calling him and he’s never once picked up the phone to call me (though that’s not any different than how it was when we were in contact. Zero effort on his end).

While I feel like I’ve processed all my feelings about him I have always wondered what (if anything) I’ll feel when he dies.

So I’ll be following whatever you choose to share with a keen eye and wishing you all the best as you navigate through it. Feel free to reach out (here or DM) if you want/need someone to talk it through with.
 
This is a hard subject that is relatively VERY recently not so taboo to talk about. I commend you sharing this, and I hope you find the peace you are seeking.

Please seek the therapy you spoke of. Maybe it will amount to nothing. Maybe it will have a profoundly positive effect on your(and your kids) life. Read that again. Therapy can help you, but it will undoubtably have a positive impact on the life of your children and further generations. Trust me.

To that end, I have some book recommendations(as usual):

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom

These books help with recognizing past trauma, how it affects the mind, how we cope, and gives you tools to steer towards better outcomes. This applies to not only yours, but also your Father(I am no way excusing his behavior. Recognizing his destructive behavior past will help with your own trauma response.

This is going to sound like hyperbole, but if this helps you I am glad. However, this isn’t about you. It is about your kids and your kids kids. I know you said you learned a lot(not drinking, etc.). Good. However, there may be other trauma responses you are not away of? Man, that sounds like I’m pointing fingers, and I don’t mean to. Just……self healing allows you to see the wounds more clearly.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.

Sounds a lot like my dad. Played ball 9 summers, and another half dozen seasons of basketball & football. Mom rarely missed a practice; he managed to get to one game. Total.

Also was a serial cheater. Not just mom, all 3 of his wives and every single gf I ever met (& there were a lot.) It took me a few decades to figure it out but when I was 15 he even introduced to his Asian prostitute.

(ponder that…how many call girls do you suppose there might be in a rural county of 60K in potato land central Michigan….and this MF a) found one, and b) thought it was a good idea to take his son in 10th grade by her house for a meet n greet.)

I remember about 20 years ago he had called me up (I rarely called him) and after a lengthy round of his closed end questions and my monosyllabic answers, he blurted out in frustration “Well I must have been a really crappy father!”

I was stunned. “Yeah, you were. You were a great provider, we never lacked for anything…but you weren’t there. Most of life is just showing up.” He hung up on me.

He developed Parkinson’s in 2010 and had other comorbidities. I started being kinder and gentler with him. In 2015 I took my kids (then 7 & 17) for an 11 day vacation to a Lake Michigan beach town, and we spent five full days hanging around his house. Some days - at least twice - he rallied and was completely lucid, telling jokes, remembering everything, laughing hysterically.

I was happy my kids got to know him, at least a little bit. That summer was full of fond memories.

He died 9 months later. I don’t think about him much. I have in therapy, and I’m at peace about everything.

He was a jerk. He taught me how to be kind, how to cherish the in between moments, I made everyone-gets-one-shot-at-integrity my personal mantra. All because I wanted nothing more than to never be like him.

I owe him a lot for who I am today. He showed me, very clearly, what happens to a man when he stands for nothing and has no friends (hundreds of business associates or people who could do something for him, but no one with whom he had to be vulnerable or trust.)

@Capella I don’t know if my sharing helps you at all. But know this - all of us are deeply affected by the passing of our father. That’s true if your dad was a truly great man who was always there for you, or if he was a cold, distant, abstract figure you never really knew. It is a tough passage.

Wishing you peace, brother man.
 
Love ya, Cappy.

Death sucks- hate you're going through it.

Having lost both my parents (good relationship with both...so different than your situation), the thing I took away was- did we say everything to eachother we needed/wanted to. In our case, it was yes. But I hope you are able to ask yourself the same before he's gone...what do you want/need to hear? Or say? It's great he told you he loves you...even if what he's given doesn't necessarily reflect the love you were wanting.
 
Oh man, Cappy....I'm really sorry, brother. Over the years, I feel as though you're one of my better friends, which is weird to say since I've never met you or ever talked to you on the phone. But I know if/when we ever met up, we'd be fast friends - I'm confident in that because of the person you are and have been here. That's a testament to you, man. I had no idea your childhood was full of such trauma; again, a testament to your character.

I sure wish Wikkid were around to read this for I have no doubt - none - that he would be in your PMs offering wisdom and support.

I have more I want to say, but have to run. Much love, Cappy.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.
Very sorry cap. Although my relationship with my dad wasn’t as strained as yours, it wasn’t great. When we found out he had only a few months left, he said he did not want me coming to see him. I told him I would rather him be mad at me for spending time with him than not getting a chance to see him and talk. It turned out he and I got a chance to say a lot of things to each other and really mended a relationship that was always lacking. I’m glad I was able to spend that remaining time with him and was there when he passed. I’m not sure if that would be the right call for you or not, it it helped me a lot.
 
He sounds like he was a miserable, depressed adult who self-medicated with booze and women. I wonder what could have made him become this way? I'm really sorry that you and your family (mostly) got hugely slighted by this individual. Unfortunately you'll likely never get what you needed emotionally from him. Great job being a much better man! Hopefully you will be able to forgive him someday, not for him, but for you. May his remaining time finally be peaceful for him.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.

Whatever feelings you feel, whether grief, sadness, joy, anger, relief or ambivalence, embrace and acknowledge those feelings as both genuine and completely valid. Don’t question your feelings or let guilt tell you that they are “good” or “bad” feelings to have. Whatever they are, they are yours, and you are right to have them.

Sending good vibes your way and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to vent.
 
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Capella,

Man, that’s a tough read. It’s almost the exact inversion of the relationship I have with my father. He was always there at practice and willing to play pitch and catch (in fact, the guy threw so many pitches to me growing up that even a selfish five year-old could tell he was getting tired though he denied it). He was an incredible father to a youngster.

As I got older things would change. He would. You don’t live on this earth for eighty years and never have changed, and so he has and so I had to adjust to it even when it wasn’t the guy I remembered from my youth who called me “Tweder” and was often smiling and laughing. He was more caustic and distant and is that way unless my older brother is around.

I don’t want to go too far into it but I just want to say that dealing with imminent death is hard. My father’s is slightly in the distance, but he’s showing signs of really aging and it’s hard to deal with because I know how distraught Mom will be when we lose him (not to mention how much grief I will feel).

So those are different stories with different timelines and urgencies, but I just want to let you know that some of us are currently contemplating this grief and how to process it—and how to deal with it properly, faithfully, and so that we are of comfort to others who are around us. I hope you find the right balance of being able to process your own grief or lack thereof and being there for your family in the upcoming weeks and moments. Peace and goodwill to you, man.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.
I had a similar experience with my dad, who's still alive at 95. he never told me he loved me until I was 13 and he was in the hospital and thought he was going to die from a heart attack. He also cheated on my mom and I got to watch the fallout for years. There were other things he did that essentially derailed my life for years that I don't need to get into. At some point, I forgave him and my mom for everything they put me through, and for his complete absence from my upbringing, even though they were married and still are.

More and more, I think about how I will react to his passing. I have 5 older siblings who didn't experience what I did. I will be halfway around the world for Christmas, and have thought about what would happen if he passes while I'm gone. It's a tough spot.

Forgiveness made me feel much better about everything.
 
Sorry Cap. I don't think I can add more than what the others have above. I think BL said it best that losing a father will affect all of us deeply no matter who they were or what they did. I am glad you made choices in the positive because of your experiences - I have known too many people that got sucked in to repeating the same cycles.

It helps reading the other posts as well (but does make me sad) that we seem to have a lot of people in here that have has similar issues and similar complicated feeling about their father and their passing or as they are nearing that. I will also say some of the above and say I am dealing with similar now too. My father lives with us and doesn't have that much longer as he is in end stage COPD. While we don't have the history of abuse that you had to endure, we also aren't close and don't talk besides bare minimum interactions for a variety of reasons. Neither do my kids, which honestly bugs me more. I have been trying to reconcile how somebody can say the words, but never show it in any other way most of the time - which seems to be a similar theme in this thread.
Just my way of saying you aren't alone, and I have stopped being surprised what a great resource and sounding board this place can be in a time like this. I wish you all the best and let the FFA know if you need something.
 
I can’t offer any other words or sentiments that have not already been stated by others. I’ll just say that I’m sorry you’ve had that experience with your father and pray that these next days you find the grace you will need. Let his lack of love (or at least saying/displaying it) motivate you to continue to be the father/husband you wish you had. Prayers for you and your family!
 
Sorry to hear this and no shame in being confused how to feel. If I may offer a point of view for you to consider…try to feel a sense of gratitude. Gratitude for teaching you all the ways to NOT be a father. There is real value there, you learned and you overcame. Gratitude for giving your children to see first hand that their father’s qualities and approach to life were in now way tied to their grandfathers, and that theirs aren’t tied to yours. They are their own people, just like you are. Not sure if this is making sense, but I hope it is. I wish you peace.
 
Brother, I am very sorry to read all of this. For as long as I've "known" you via here I never would have guessed any of this happened to you, and that is a testament to your strength.

You may find some solace in what he said recently, but you don't have to feel guilt for not letting that erase a lifetime of hurt. Whatever you're feeling right now, just know that it's perfectly understandable.
 
This thread will be helpful for when my MiL passes. For the 30+ years I've been with my wife, she has wanted nothing to do with her. Think Tony Soprano's mom. But she has recently spoken of some guilt with how she has handled her end of the relationship. I know she has put off a lot of feelings that will come out when she dies and I've tried some advanced discussions on it. Thanks Cap for opening up and providing a space to discuss a pretty painful topic.
 
Really sorry you had to endure all that in your life from the person who is supposed to be your biggest fan and source of wisdom, encouragement and love.

But if all you ever wanted to hear was that he loved you. You got that. And maybe you can come to a point of being at peace with him as crazy as that may sound.

If anything. Try to find some peace and solace in his end days and share some laughs and words of love so you can look in the mirror and know you are the better man for doing so.
 
Damn. This hits hard. Makes me think of the last words I said to my mom over 25 years ago. We weren't very close from my teens to my twenties. Butted heads over things a lot. Once told me she had been a bad mother. Was much closer to my dad. My mother eventually entered a severe depression, was hospitalized, and then released. She seemed so much better. Went out to dinner shortly afterwards with her and my dad. Had a great time. The last thing I told her at the end of the evening as I gave her a hug was, "I love you mom." First time I had probably said that to her since I was about 12. Then I drove back to my out of town job. Eleven days later I received a call from my crying dad that she was gone (she ended up taking her own life).

This wasn't meant to be about me. It was meant to demonstrate that no matter how difficult one's relationship with their parent(s) may have been, use whatever chance you have for reconciliation and/or forgiveness. You won't regret it.

Peace and prayers to you and your family, Cap.
 
Truly truly truly truly truly appreciate all the comments in here. Suffice to say I wasn’t expecting all of this when I got home. I’ll read every single one for sure but wow.

We got him to hospice tonight. He’s been aspirating badly, so badly that they couldn’t even do a swallow test with two chips of ice yesterday but hospice allowed him to have a cherry coke which he’s been craving. So he was happy and that was good.

A weird thing that has been going is when I showed up to the hospital tonight he said “thank god — I thought you were dead.” He said he saw on the internet (he doesn’t even have his phone) that I was shot in the head. Last week he told the nurses I died in a car crash and previous to that I died in a fire. When I asked him why all his visions of me are of my dying he just said “I apologize will you accept my apology.” He doesn’t have to apologize for that, I just don’t get it.
 
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Good. However, there may be other trauma responses you are not away of? Man, that sounds like I’m pointing fingers, and I don’t mean to. Just……self healing allows you to see the wounds more clearly.
I think a trauma response, if you want to call it that, is I am laughably easy on my 7 year old lol. I just don’t want him to go through what I went through so I probably take it over easy on him and make excuses etc. But he’s a really good kid and so far hasn’t taken advantage of it. He’s very loving.
 
I try not to get too personal here but other than my wife I don’t know who else to talk about this to. I’m sure I need a therapist but anyways I’ll explain.

My dad has been the orbit which we revolved around for many years, until I broke away in my late 20s. He was an awful father, rarely around and truthfully it would have been better if he never was. He was verbally and physically abusive, he was a serial cheater on my mom, and he offered nothing even slightly consisting of good advice. We never once played pitch and catch despite me playing baseball until sometime from 6 yo until high school. When I tried to ride a bike for the first time he recorded it and laughed at me the entire time, with plenty of insults to follow. For some reason we held on to that tape for years.

He was a man who would barely speak. We had nothing in common. Our only touchstone was the Tampa Bay Bucs, which might get him to say 15 words instead of his usual 5. But he despised being around me so much that even when they won their first Super Bowl in 2002 he got up and left my little party at halftime because “I have better things to do.” That better thing was going to another bar to drink with the losers.

Oh yea the alcohol. 5-6 vodka tonics a day, minimum. He would come home at 8-9 pm drunk, yelling at my mom. I would hide in the bedroom and pray he wouldn’t fling my door open yelling at me about whatever problem he made in his head. I could go on and on but honestly it’s probably not worth it. He was a monster.

Despite all of this and his cheating my mom stuck it out with him until I graduated high school. I told her I would be fine from age 13 on, in fact I would prefer it, but she had that in her head. One day I answered the phone to have his girlfriend at the time say “you must be Chris. I’m the one ######### your dad.” My mom finally threw in the towel shortly after that.

As we all got older, he never apologized for anything. He does love my two sons, and I’m sorry he won’t see them grow up but over the last 60 years he built this prison he’s now trapped in and that will kill him.

The other day he grabbed my hand in the hospital and said I love you son. In my entire life he’s only told me that once, in 2004 when Katrina was temporarily pointed at my location and he begged me to come home.

My sister is on a different path of grief here. She was always daddy’s little girl and she acknowledges that and I’ve been happy one of us got out of this alive. That’s probably the hardest part. Trying to walk her through her grief when I’m not even sure how to feel myself.

I truly don’t know how to feel here. I go between anger at him for wasting our time together to sadness to pity to seeing him in this condition. Hospice is picking him up tonight.

I learned a lot from my dad. I learned I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I adore my wife. I’m smart with money. But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch. That’s never coming though.

Thanks for reading if you did. I needed an outlet.

Sounds a lot like my dad. Played ball 9 summers, and another half dozen seasons of basketball & football. Mom rarely missed a practice; he managed to get to one game. Total.

Also was a serial cheater. Not just mom, all 3 of his wives and every single gf I ever met (& there were a lot.) It took me a few decades to figure it out but when I was 15 he even introduced to his Asian prostitute.

(ponder that…how many call girls do you suppose there might be in a rural county of 60K in potato land central Michigan….and this MF a) found one, and b) thought it was a good idea to take his son in 10th grade by her house for a meet n greet.)

I remember about 20 years ago he had called me up (I rarely called him) and after a lengthy round of his closed end questions and my monosyllabic answers, he blurted out in frustration “Well I must have been a really crappy father!”

I was stunned. “Yeah, you were. You were a great provider, we never lacked for anything…but you weren’t there. Most of life is just showing up.” He hung up on me.

He developed Parkinson’s in 2010 and had other comorbidities. I started being kinder and gentler with him. In 2015 I took my kids (then 7 & 17) for an 11 day vacation to a Lake Michigan beach town, and we spent five full days hanging around his house. Some days - at least twice - he rallied and was completely lucid, telling jokes, remembering everything, laughing hysterically.

I was happy my kids got to know him, at least a little bit. That summer was full of fond memories.

He died 9 months later. I don’t think about him much. I have in therapy, and I’m at peace about everything.

He was a jerk. He taught me how to be kind, how to cherish the in between moments, I made everyone-gets-one-shot-at-integrity my personal mantra. All because I wanted nothing more than to never be like him.

I owe him a lot for who I am today. He showed me, very clearly, what happens to a man when he stands for nothing and has no friends (hundreds of business associates or people who could do something for him, but no one with whom he had to be vulnerable or trust.)

@Capella I don’t know if my sharing helps you at all. But know this - all of us are deeply affected by the passing of our father. That’s true if your dad was a truly great man who was always there for you, or if he was a cold, distant, abstract figure you never really knew. It is a tough passage.

Wishing you peace, brother man.
Same to you. Thanks so much for sharing.
 
Oh man, Cappy....I'm really sorry, brother. Over the years, I feel as though you're one of my better friends, which is weird to say since I've never met you or ever talked to you on the phone. But I know if/when we ever met up, we'd be fast friends - I'm confident in that because of the person you are and have been here. That's a testament to you, man. I had no idea your childhood was full of such trauma; again, a testament to your character.

I sure wish Wikkid were around to read this for I have no doubt - none - that he would be in your PMs offering wisdom and support.

I have more I want to say, but have to run. Much love, Cappy.
Love you brother.
 
He sounds like he was a miserable, depressed adult who self-medicated with booze and women. I wonder what could have made him become this way?
My uncle (his brother) tells me their father was a horribly abusive person who would full-on punch them with a closed fist. Another cheater, alcoholic, bad businessman and person etc. He told me the other day he only made it through his teenage years because of another family member who helped guide him through, and that’s why he was there for me when I went to him for help in my early 20s.

My uncle was a really successful lawyer in town who my dad also had very little relationship with. In fact my dad knocked him out at a family outing right in front of me when I was 12. They didn’t talk for 15 years after that.

I come from bad family lines I guess but that’s all the more reason to stop that here.
 
The day my dad died was the worst day of my life and the best day for reasons extremely similar to you.

I learned after years of processing this was that I hate that guy for what he did to my family. And he earned that hate. I can hold on to the fact that what he taught me was to never be like him. And to be the dad he never was.

That was my therapy and still is. Because that hate will not go away. I’m scarred by it but that hate dies with me.

I’m sorry your dad treated you that way. I’m happy you did get that moment of love from him. But also don’t feel bad for how you feel. He earned that on his own on people who never deserved that treatment.
 
A weird thing that has been going is when I showed up to the hospital tonight he said “thank god — I thought you were dead.” He said he saw on the internet (he doesn’t even have his phone) that I was shot in the head. Last week he told the nurses I died in a car crash and previous to that I died in a fire. When I asked him why all his visions of me are of my dying he just said “I apologize will you accept my apology.” He doesn’t have to apologize for that, I just don’t get it.
He's trying to apologize for your childhood. He's afraid you're gone and he lost his chance to apologize.
 
I identify with so much from your post up top Cap
I lost my father when I was 30 and he was 59, cancer is a killer

-My Dad's Father, who I never met but I have a picture of him holding me when I was just a few weeks old, he died 55 from cancer
But that man was very similar to your father, heavy heavy drinker and highly abusive in an era where men got away with being domestic abusers

I'm sorry to hear/read this, I hope you find closure before he dies.
If you really want to make peace, tell him exactly how you feel, tell him how much he hurt you and if you actually mean it then you should forgive him while he's alive
You'll feel better after he's gone vs holding it all in
 
Sorry brother. I lost my mom in 2004. My dad in 2022. My dad had some deficiencies but by all means he was the best version he could be. The one thing we had was a heads up that "this might be the end. Lung Cancer diagnosis". Much like MOP said before me, getting it all out helps. Before my old man was gone all that was needing said had been said. Might be worth letting it out. For you.
 
My father was the biggest star in my galaxy for many, many years, and his end-of-life struggle was something I would wish on no one. I understand your struggle, despite the different circumstances. I feel for you.

Speaking from personal experience within my family (though not directly my own), leave no opportunity for regret. If you have something to say, say it. If you aren't sure what to say but still feel determined, try. If you have amends to make, forgiveness to ask for, even complaints to air, now is the time. Your window is closing, and I know of some who wish they could have the moment over again. Not seizing the day occasionally eats at them.

We are who we are for various reasons, and trauma like that you faced is particularly shaping. You seem introspective and centered. Time heals. You will be ok.
 
I’m sorry for your impending loss. Sorry for what you went through. And sorry for the good things you never got.

It sounds like one of the things that you are mourning/may need to mourn is the loss of what could have been. All the good things that could have been in your life but weren’t because of the choices your dad repeatedly made. All the holes left in your heart from the times your dad wasn’t there for you, didn’t support you, didn’t love you the way that you deserved.

That’s absolutely a valid thing to mourn however you need to mourn it. You had a lot of things stolen from you because of your dad’s alcoholism and how he chose to live his life. You deserved better. The finality of your dad’s impending death is crystallizing that loss.

Through that, hold your head high that you are breaking the cycle in your family and changing the family legacy for your children. Sure, you’ll mess up your kids in certain ways like we all do, but in different ways than you were scarred and in much less damaging ways. That’s no small feat. Hopefully some of the holes in your heart are being, and will be, filled with the good things you are experiencing with your family now. You never had the dad that threw the ball with you, but you get to experience that through the eyes of your kids as YOU are the dad that does that. As your heart cries for the things it lost, lean into the many blessings you do have now.
 
I think you’re handling it just fine. He is who he is. Any and all emotions coming forth from you are ok. Even if they surprise you. Good or bad. You’re a good dude.

My dad’s been dead for 33 years. He wasn’t the best, but I would have liked more time with him. :shrug:
 
Aw Man. I'm sorry, GB.

There's no easy way around it. Nor through it. It just is. And that's not very comforting I know but it's life. And unfortunately death. And I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

The feelings you feel are yours and it's totally understandable to be conflicted or confused or anything else one feels. As you said, you learned a lot and that's a gift.

If I had anything to offer, it'd be hanging on to the hand squeeze interaction. I don't think it's minimizing the not good stuff by focusing on the good stuff. I'm sorry for the other but I'm thankful you got that at the end. A great many people don't get to experience that and I'm thankful you did.

🙏 :heart: to you and your family.
 
The hospice people should have resources for you to tap into. Please ask.

This is excellent advice. Speaking personally, it's been incredibly difficult finding somebody to talk to for both myself and one of my kids. "Not accepting new patients" is a refrain as common as a "No Vacancy" sign at Daytona Beach during Spring Break. That might just be local, but I have my doubts. So if there's some resources available to you and available to you now, I'd sure listen to Mrs. R here.

Keeping you and your family in my heart and mind today, Cappy. Holler anytime if you just need an ear. I'm not good at much, but I do know how to shut up and listen. ;)
 
I'm sorry to hear/read this, I hope you find closure before he dies.
If you really want to make peace, tell him exactly how you feel, tell him how much he hurt you and if you actually mean it then you should forgive him while he's alive
You'll feel better after he's gone vs holding it all in -
MOP

This echoes my thoughts exactly, well stated MOP. I was searching and searching for these exact words and as I was scrolling through the thread I thought "well there it is, it's already there it's perfectly stated."

I'm sorry you had to go through this and I'm sorry for what you're going through now but thank you for sharing. Your words inspired me to (once again) pull our son aside and tell him I'm sorry if I've ever embarrassed him, I'm sorry if I've ever let him down but that I love him and his Mom (my wife) with all my heart and that I'm incredibly blessed they are both in my life and that they both inspire me to be a better person.
 
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Sorry to hear that. Like many, my parents weren’t the best growing up, Could be abusive and generally never showed any affection whatsoever. My younger brother hasn’t spoken to them in 10 years. It’s definitely affected my adult life in how I interact with others. Later in life, I learned my mom was physically and sexually abused continuously as a child and I’ve always known that my father’s dad was one of the meanest men I think I’ve ever met. He loved me to death so I never was subjected to that side of him but witnessed some jaw dropping actions at family gatherings as a child. I have a good relationship with my parents now because I simply realized they did the best they could with the tools they were given. I’m not perfect with my kids…..short tempered at times and I’d love to be more “present” but I’m incapable of that. I’m better than my parents and they were better than theirs so hopefully progress continues with my kids,
 
So sorry Cap. Like others have said, if nothing else he cemented what you don’t want to become yourself as a father. You broke the cycle and the family will be better for it. Still, it sucks. Wishing you peace
 

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