My dad is dying and I don’t know how to handle it (1 Viewer)

[UncleZen]

Cap, it may be hard to believe but I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and becoming a great parent and person. Too many people go the other way because that's what they were taught. Without going into details, I can just tell you that I know from experience. As far as your feelings, they are what they are and you should not feel any guilt at all. It sounds like you got closure and that's more than most can ask for. Like others have said, you can always reach out to me on here if you need to talk.

 

[Capella]

Thanks for the unbelievably kind words everybody. I truly appreciate it.


So my dad did die yesterday. The night before I visited with him before he went to hospice. My sister told me a few days before that he was hallucinating some (he thought he saw a cat walk by) but he also told my sister he didn’t know why I was mad at him. I wasn’t, at least not now, but I went in there afterwards and held his hand and told him I wasn’t mad at him. He said “will you accept my apology, I apologize” over and over and I told him I did. They moved him to hospice that night and he died 12 hours later. I told him I’d take my two sons to see him there but he was gone before my oldest even got out of school. If I knew it was that imminent I would have held him out. Oh well.

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.


I write when I get emotional and I wrote a lot about my dad. I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some. Maybe I’ll post it here first for a test drive before I do that.


Anyways thanks again to you all for allowing me to get this out and all the wonderful words. I do love that we have this here. I’ll be fine, it’s Christmas week and I have my family.

 

[Capella]

Cap, it may be hard to believe but I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and becoming a great parent and person. Too many people go the other way because that's what they were taught. Without going into details, I can just tell you that I know from experience. As far as your feelings, they are what they are and you should not feel any guilt at all. It sounds like you got closure and that's more than most can ask for. Like others have said, you can always reach out to me on here if you need to talk.

Thanks man. I appreciate you saying that.

 

[CGRdrJoe]

damn cappy that’s a heavy situation to be going through and I wish you the best.

 

[General Malaise]

I'm very sorry, Cappy. It sounds like your dad needed forgiveness and you provided that to him. A Christmas gift to your dad and some closure for you as you accepted his apologies. May you and yours have a peaceful Christmas and may your house continue to be a place of love.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

magnanimous/măg-năn′ə-məs/

adjective​

1. Highly moral, especially in showing kindness or forgiveness, as in overlooking insults or not seeking revenge.
2. Great of mind; elevated in soul or in sentiment; raised above what is low, mean, or ungenerous; of lofty and courageous spirit.
   "a magnanimous character; a magnanimous conqueror."
3. Dictated by or exhibiting nobleness of soul; honorable; noble; not selfish
4. See: Capella with his dad

 

[the moops]

But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch.

Hang in there buddy.

 

[The Z Machine]

You're a great dude, Cappy. Big hugs from Z.

 

[rockaction]

Condolences, Capella. I hope you’re able to make peace with all of it.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Damn. So sorry, Cappy. It's hard to envision a "good" ending from your first post, but it sure sounds like things ended on as positive a note as they could.

If your talk is what allowed him to go, that's a gift. I hope you can find some peace in it.

If writing is your therapy, then write up a storm. You'll figure out the right audience at the right time. Hang in there, gb.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.

If she is correct, it was a gift. I know for reasons I'd rather not get into.

My sympathies.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some.

You could just ask her.

 

[ChiefD]

Cap - I’m sorry for your loss. Your story brings up a lot of memories for me.

Your level of class in this situation is off the charts. After reading your story he didn’t deserve a son like you. For you to rise above what he put you and your mom through tells me all I need to know about you.

The best part of this story is two things:

1. You have broken a cycle. That is one of the most powerful things on earth.
2. You have proven to yourself what kind of man you are, That should give you an immense sense of accomplishment and pride.

Be sad. And relieved. And happy for what you have become. THAT is the part you have earned out of all of this.

As a guy who has lived the life you had, I can honestly tell you how proud I am of you and how you handled this. I’m glad you got to do it on YOUR terms. Love you man.

 

[Tau837]

Just saw this thread. Sorry, @Capella to read about your situation.

My Dad was a deadbeat alcoholic. My Mom divorced him when I was 2 and raised me on her own, with no help from him. She chose not to take him to court for child support, since he really didn't have the money. When I got old enough to grasp the real situation, around age 14, I told him I didn't want to talk to him any more. He showed up at my high school graduation uninvited, but otherwise I didn't talk to him after I told him I didn't want to. Several years ago, I was contacted by a relative on his side of the family to tell me he had died. I really didn't have any emotional response. He just wasn't a person in my life and hadn't been for so long. I felt guilty for not having a reaction.

Like you, I believe I am a better person based on my experience, because I grew up wanting to ensure I wasn't like him. I have a lot of sad memories related to him, but I choose not to let them affect me. That's pretty easy at this point, given they are mostly from 40+ years ago.

I'm glad to read here that you have a chance at some reconciliation with your Dad. I didn't have the opportunity. I didn't necessarily want it and don't feel like I miss it, but I still think I would have been happy if it had happened. If that makes sense.

Anyway, I wish you the best with this GB.

ETA: Just read further and saw that he passed. I'm sorry to read that, condolences.

 

[GoBirds]

So sorry to read this. As I’m sure you have done as a father I’ve used some of my father’s shortcomings to motivate me to be the best father I can. I lost mine when I was pretty young. He had his strengths and definitely had his weaknesses. Hang onto the positives and use the negatives to make you a better person as it sounds like you have done. Hang in there man.

 

[Galileo]

Sorry for your loss, Cap. I hope you and your family find some peace. We don't get to choose our parents. Good or bad, they have shaped you into who and what your are today. I lost my father a couple of years ago. There were several things I discovered/realized about my father through those later years of his life that caused me to lose much respect for him. When he passed, I felt sort of ambivalent towards him. 3 years post death, I still have a hard time sifting through some of the bad and good. Take the lessons learned, even if not learned in the greatest of ways, and move forward. Focus on what you can control, and your relationships with the rest of the family...at least that's what I try to do.

 

[Hawks64]

Really sorry to hear Cap. Others have said it much better than I can, but it seems like you gave him the peace he needed, hopefully, you can find peace as well.

 

[Tick]

He sounds like he was a miserable, depressed adult who self-medicated with booze and women. I wonder what could have made him become this way?

My uncle (his brother) tells me their father was a horribly abusive person who would full-on punch them with a closed fist. Another cheater, alcoholic, bad businessman and person etc. He told me the other day he only made it through his teenage years because of another family member who helped guide him through, and that’s why he was there for me when I went to him for help in my early 20s.

My uncle was a really successful lawyer in town who my dad also had very little relationship with. In fact my dad knocked him out at a family outing right in front of me when I was 12. They didn’t talk for 15 years after that.

I come from bad family lines I guess but that’s all the more reason to stop that here.

Here's how our line has gone:
Great-grandpa: Abusive deadbeat alcoholic
Grandpa: Deadbeat alcoholic
Dad: Alcoholic who provided
Brother and me: Normal people (?)

I guess our kids are free to start their own bad decisions with fewer examples of what to avoid.

 

[Dinsy Ejotuz]

No idea what this is worth, but you seem to be doing everything right to me. Talking about it, thinking about it, being honest about your dad and your relationship with him, feeling all the conflicting emotions. That might be all there is to do.

Regardless, hang in there Capella! It's your path and only you can walk it. I hope you find peace in time.

 

[Senor Schmutzig]

Sorry to hear that Cap. My father passed away the day before Thanksgiving this year, and I'm still trying to process it. Thankfully, we moved my parents near us a few years ago, so I have been able to see both of them more in the past 4 years than I had in the prior 20 combined. Right now, it comes down to supporting my mom as she has lost her partner of the past 50 years.

My dad called me at 9:30p on the night before he died in his sleep. He just called to say hello and provide inconsequential information about something I already knew. I thought it was strange that he called that late as he never has called that late in the past but I didn't think anything of it then. He passed away at some point the following morning. I like to think that he just called to check-in and it was his way of saying goodbye, maybe directly or indirectly, who knows. He was diabetic, had progressing kidney failure, obese and was pretty much immobile, but his mind was still sharp.

It's strange as it's the first time I have dealt with the death of someone this close. Regardless of your relationship with your dad, it's still going to impact you emotionally.

Positively, negatively, indifference. And those thoughts may change by the hour, by the day, by the week. And that's okay. Processing is weird. It's challenging. And thought-provoking.

Strength to you man.

 

[In The Zone]

No advice to give but prayers to you and your family GB. I lost my dad back in April and Christmas is just not going to be the same this year. Try to enjoy the time you have left if that's what you want. It's not too late to make some kind of amends. Try to be there for your children and your sister if possible.

 

[3C's]

Thought of this thread when I saw this. Hope you don't mind. Sorry for your loss.

- YouTube

Auf YouTube findest du die angesagtesten Videos und Tracks. Außerdem kannst du eigene Inhalte hochladen und mit Freunden oder gleich der ganzen Welt teilen.

m.youtube.com

 

[Major]

I'm sure it wasn't easy but I really appreciate you sharing Cappy. This thread definitely brings up a lot of feelings toward my Dad who was also absentee for the most part. One thing that I'd take away is what a blessing it is that you and your Father were able to make amends and have some closure. That's such a gift and something I wish I had with my Dad before he passed. Take care GB.

 

[ChiefD]

Sorry to hear that Cap. My father passed away the day before Thanksgiving this year, and I'm still trying to process it. Thankfully, we moved my parents near us a few years ago, so I have been able to see both of them more in the past 4 years than I had in the prior 20 combined. Right now, it comes down to supporting my mom as she has lost her partner of the past 50 years.

My dad called me at 9:30p on the night before he died in his sleep. He just called to say hello and provide inconsequential information about something I already knew. I thought it was strange that he called that late as he never has called that late in the past but I didn't think anything of it then. He passed away at some point the following morning. I like to think that he just called to check-in and it was his way of saying goodbye, maybe directly or indirectly, who knows. He was diabetic, had progressing kidney failure, obese and was pretty much immobile, but his mind was still sharp.

It's strange as it's the first time I have dealt with the death of someone this close. Regardless of your relationship with your dad, it's still going to impact you emotionally.

Positively, negatively, indifference. And those thoughts may change by the hour, by the day, by the week. And that's okay. Processing is weird. It's challenging. And thought-provoking.

Strength to you man.

Sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace.

 

[Capella]

Cap - I’m sorry for your loss. Your story brings up a lot of memories for me.

Your level of class in this situation is off the charts. After reading your story he didn’t deserve a son like you. For you to rise above what he put you and your mom through tells me all I need to know about you.

The best part of this story is two things:

1. You have broken a cycle. That is one of the most powerful things on earth.
2. You have proven to yourself what kind of man you are, That should give you an immense sense of accomplishment and pride.

Be sad. And relieved. And happy for what you have become. THAT is the part you have earned out of all of this.

As a guy who has lived the life you had, I can honestly tell you how proud I am of you and how you handled this. I’m glad you got to do it on YOUR terms. Love you man.

Thanks man. I really appreciate the words from everybody. Right back at you.

 

[Capella]

Sorry to hear that Cap. My father passed away the day before Thanksgiving this year, and I'm still trying to process it. Thankfully, we moved my parents near us a few years ago, so I have been able to see both of them more in the past 4 years than I had in the prior 20 combined. Right now, it comes down to supporting my mom as she has lost her partner of the past 50 years.

My dad called me at 9:30p on the night before he died in his sleep. He just called to say hello and provide inconsequential information about something I already knew. I thought it was strange that he called that late as he never has called that late in the past but I didn't think anything of it then. He passed away at some point the following morning. I like to think that he just called to check-in and it was his way of saying goodbye, maybe directly or indirectly, who knows. He was diabetic, had progressing kidney failure, obese and was pretty much immobile, but his mind was still sharp.

It's strange as it's the first time I have dealt with the death of someone this close. Regardless of your relationship with your dad, it's still going to impact you emotionally.

Positively, negatively, indifference. And those thoughts may change by the hour, by the day, by the week. And that's okay. Processing is weird. It's challenging. And thought-provoking.

Strength to you man.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you’re doing well. Wild he called you. Maybe your brain just knows when it’s time.

 

[Mr.Pack]

Sorry for what you’re going through Cap. We’ve had some go-arounds, but I’ve always had respect for you. You’re a he’ll of a good guy.
Hang tough brother. Much love and strength to you.

 

[Orange&Blue]

sorry for the pain you are going through. take care of yourself and get some counseling. you are a good man!

 

[BassNBrew]

So sorry you’re having to deal with this Cappy. Sharing all this has probably helped others here.

 

[Joe Bryant]

Sorry to hear that Cap. My father passed away the day before Thanksgiving this year, and I'm still trying to process it. Thankfully, we moved my parents near us a few years ago, so I have been able to see both of them more in the past 4 years than I had in the prior 20 combined. Right now, it comes down to supporting my mom as she has lost her partner of the past 50 years.

My dad called me at 9:30p on the night before he died in his sleep. He just called to say hello and provide inconsequential information about something I already knew. I thought it was strange that he called that late as he never has called that late in the past but I didn't think anything of it then. He passed away at some point the following morning. I like to think that he just called to check-in and it was his way of saying goodbye, maybe directly or indirectly, who knows. He was diabetic, had progressing kidney failure, obese and was pretty much immobile, but his mind was still sharp.

It's strange as it's the first time I have dealt with the death of someone this close. Regardless of your relationship with your dad, it's still going to impact you emotionally.

Positively, negatively, indifference. And those thoughts may change by the hour, by the day, by the week. And that's okay. Processing is weird. It's challenging. And thought-provoking.

Strength to you man.

Aw Man. I'm sorry, GB. I'm glad you got that time with him in the last few years. And I fully agree - processing is a thing. Praying for peace and wisdom there for you as you work through it.

 

[James Bond]

Sorry for your loss Cap. At least you had some forewarning. Nothing worse than losing a parent with no chance to prepare. I hope all the support here has helped. Stay strong, brother.

 

[tommyGunZ]

Just seeing this. Glad you got the opportunity to have that moment with your Dad before he passed. As others have mentioned, good on you for breaking the cycle. That's not easy; if it was there likely wouldn't have been a cycle to break.

I hope you find some peace as you move forward Cappy. You're universally loved here where it's pretty easy to find something you don't like about everyone after two+ decades of reading them. Much love homie.

 

[The Duff Man]

Sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice in this thread already, I will just echo that your feelings are your feelings.

The relationship with a parent is a deeply personal one shaped by your experiences, your own siblings don’t even share it.

It is no one’s place to tell you how to feel or for you to think you should feel a certain way.

But talking to someone about it who will just listen is definitely a good thing.

 

[jvdesigns2002]

My deepest condolences to you and your family for your loss. I’ve been battling some health issues myself and haven’t been engaged in these forums very much the past several weeks, and I’m just getting caught up on this thread now. Thank you so much for sharing your story—as that certainly was not an easy thing to do. My advice is to get a therapist—but I can tell you that the carousel of emotions that you are almost certainly feeling are a valid, normal, human reaction. Don’t try to hide, runaway or work around those emotions—a good therapist will help guide you to navigate through those emotions. I truly believe that your father truly did love you as he made a point to make sure you heard him say it in the toughest of times. If anything, I think we all probably could and should tell the people that we truly love “I love you” more than we do. In any case, I’m no therapist, but if you ever need somebody to talk to—or just somebody to listen to you—feel free to hit me up with a message GB.

 

[Bri]

I'm sorry for your loss.
May he rest in peace

 

[FairWarning]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

 

[Ghost Rider]

Sorry for your loss as well, Cap. Hopefully, the end does help you find some peace. Be well.

 

[SWC]

holy smokes cappy you are in my thoughts and prayers i have known you on the internet here long enough to know that you are a good person and doing a good job as a dad and i think if i were you id take that final apology as proof of your dad loving you and being proud of you all along but not being able to say it through whatever he was going through take care of yourself go for a walk and go to a coffee shop with your wife and kids and just spend some time with them loving them and being the great dad that we all know you are

 

[GOB]

Sorry to hear all of this, GB.

Nothing to add other than to encourage you to feel your feelings. Nobody can tell you how to feel/act in times like these. Hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas

 

[Phil Elliott]

Tough post. Sorry to hear all of that. Maybe there is still something you can learn from your dad. Sounds like maybe he is reliving and regretting lots of decisions he made in his life.

 

[3C's]

Hope you're doing okay today. Holidays can be tough.

 

[fatness]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

[FairWarning]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I didn't take advantage of it because the hospice used was 70 miles away. Looking back at it, I should have. The caregiver burnout for me was real, took me about 2 years to get over it.

 

[fatness]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I didn't take advantage of it because the hospice used was 70 miles away. Looking back at it, I should have. The caregiver burnout for me was real, took me about 2 years to get over it.

Sorry to hear the burnout took so much out of you for awhile but it sounds like you're on the way back from it.
In my case mom's death ended the hard part. Dementia had steadily robbed her of her life bit by bit, and the last 2 years or so was horrible for her. I wish she had died earlier and missed all that suffering. It was horrible, and death was a release for her and for me. No more sisters calling me from out of state every week to say "you're killing her". I did my best, and I was there each week for her. Nobody else was.

 

[Uruk-Hai]

@Capella , my deepest condolences. I had a complicated relationship with my father. Him being kind of a legend in the small town we lived in, and me being named after him, made things difficult for both of us. I don't think we ever got to a point of understanding each other. That's on me, and something I can never repair - he passed ten years ago.

To the more recent discussion of hospice, the folks I've dealt with are better people than I'll ever be. If you're able to give, do so to your local group. I don't know how they do it.

 

[Drunken knight]

@Capella

Thinking about you guys

 

[3C's]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I didn't take advantage of it because the hospice used was 70 miles away. Looking back at it, I should have. The caregiver burnout for me was real, took me about 2 years to get over it.

Sorry to hear, but thanks for the heads up. Wife has been taking care of her parents for a few years now. They're both essentially toddlers now and it's taken a toll on her for sure.

 

[3C's]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I didn't take advantage of it because the hospice used was 70 miles away. Looking back at it, I should have. The caregiver burnout for me was real, took me about 2 years to get over it.

Sorry to hear the burnout took so much out of you for awhile but it sounds like you're on the way back from it.
In my case mom's death ended the hard part. Dementia had steadily robbed her of her life bit by bit, and the last 2 years or so was horrible for her. I wish she had died earlier and missed all that suffering. It was horrible, and death was a release for her and for me. No more sisters calling me from out of state every week to say "you're killing her". I did my best, and I was there each week for her. Nobody else was.

I hesitate to say it, but honestly death would be sort of a gift when someone can't take care of themselves anymore. Wife's mom needs help for everything except eating and her dad can barely stand w/o falling and dementia has set in pretty hard. Just a terrible situation for all. Weird to say, but I feel fortunate that my parents died young.

 

[FairWarning]

Capella - hospice does offer outstanding grief support for you and the family, something to consider.

@Capella, this can be a really helpful thing for some people. We were all offered a year of grief counseling after mom died.
Hang in there, man, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I didn't take advantage of it because the hospice used was 70 miles away. Looking back at it, I should have. The caregiver burnout for me was real, took me about 2 years to get over it.

Sorry to hear, but thanks for the heads up. Wife has been taking care of her parents for a few years now. They're both essentially toddlers now and it's taken a toll on her for sure.

It’s something how they revert back to that stage of their life..

 

[Da Guru]

Tough read. I had similar experiences that I will talk about later.

I know the bitterness, I lived with it. I can change a few lines in your post and it would be much like mine. Due to my past feelings my dad and I hardly spoke. Never did he go to any of my events, or tell me he was proud, nothing. My mom went to everything. I had 7 sports letters in HS and he came to maybe one game. To nutshell it he got cancer when I was 18 and passed when I was 20.

I had a very hard time letting go of my anger toward him and I was never alone with him, it was always my sisters or my mom there so we never talked one on one. Then one day towards the end I came to the hospital and when I went into his room I was the only one there. My mom had left for something. So I sat in the chair and made small talk and he asked me to come over and put his arms out like to hug me, something that had never done before and he started crying about his regrets as a father, and how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.

Now I had already built up this shield around me towards him so it was very difficult and at 20 I was stubborn.

So then he asked if I could ever forgive him..at that point I said yes I do. I did not want to carry on my anger any longer. It was not much longer after that he passed away.

It took me years to try and figure things out as to why things were the way they were. Sometimes you never do. Then I realized he had a really tough upbringing. Grew up dirt poor, all he did was work a ton of hours at low paying jobs. Sad thing he lost sight in one eye in the service due to an accident, even as a certified welder he failed physicals to get into the Big 3 in Detroit area where he would have made a decent living. Instead he worked at small shops for half the wages of his friends doing the same job. So he carried a lot of resentment. Things that I did not understand until I had a family.

All i can say at this point just try to let it go. Let it go for yourself. Let it go so you can move on. I wish I could have done that years earlier than I did.