My dad is dying and I don’t know how to handle it (1 Viewer)

[UncleZen]

Cap, it may be hard to believe but I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and becoming a great parent and person. Too many people go the other way because that's what they were taught. Without going into details, I can just tell you that I know from experience. As far as your feelings, they are what they are and you should not feel any guilt at all. It sounds like you got closure and that's more than most can ask for. Like others have said, you can always reach out to me on here if you need to talk.

 

[Capella]

Thanks for the unbelievably kind words everybody. I truly appreciate it.


So my dad did die yesterday. The night before I visited with him before he went to hospice. My sister told me a few days before that he was hallucinating some (he thought he saw a cat walk by) but he also told my sister he didn’t know why I was mad at him. I wasn’t, at least not now, but I went in there afterwards and held his hand and told him I wasn’t mad at him. He said “will you accept my apology, I apologize” over and over and I told him I did. They moved him to hospice that night and he died 12 hours later. I told him I’d take my two sons to see him there but he was gone before my oldest even got out of school. If I knew it was that imminent I would have held him out. Oh well.

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.


I write when I get emotional and I wrote a lot about my dad. I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some. Maybe I’ll post it here first for a test drive before I do that.


Anyways thanks again to you all for allowing me to get this out and all the wonderful words. I do love that we have this here. I’ll be fine, it’s Christmas week and I have my family.

 

[Capella]

Cap, it may be hard to believe but I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle and becoming a great parent and person. Too many people go the other way because that's what they were taught. Without going into details, I can just tell you that I know from experience. As far as your feelings, they are what they are and you should not feel any guilt at all. It sounds like you got closure and that's more than most can ask for. Like others have said, you can always reach out to me on here if you need to talk.

Thanks man. I appreciate you saying that.

 

[CGRdrJoe]

damn cappy that’s a heavy situation to be going through and I wish you the best.

 

[General Malaise]

I'm very sorry, Cappy. It sounds like your dad needed forgiveness and you provided that to him. A Christmas gift to your dad and some closure for you as you accepted his apologies. May you and yours have a peaceful Christmas and may your house continue to be a place of love.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

magnanimous/măg-năn′ə-məs/

adjective​

1. Highly moral, especially in showing kindness or forgiveness, as in overlooking insults or not seeking revenge.
2. Great of mind; elevated in soul or in sentiment; raised above what is low, mean, or ungenerous; of lofty and courageous spirit.
   "a magnanimous character; a magnanimous conqueror."
3. Dictated by or exhibiting nobleness of soul; honorable; noble; not selfish
4. See: Capella with his dad

 

[the moops]

But I think I’d give all those unintentional lessons up for just one pitch and catch.

Hang in there buddy.

 

[The Z Machine]

You're a great dude, Cappy. Big hugs from Z.

 

[rockaction]

Condolences, Capella. I hope you’re able to make peace with all of it.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Damn. So sorry, Cappy. It's hard to envision a "good" ending from your first post, but it sure sounds like things ended on as positive a note as they could.

If your talk is what allowed him to go, that's a gift. I hope you can find some peace in it.

If writing is your therapy, then write up a storm. You'll figure out the right audience at the right time. Hang in there, gb.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

My wife is convinced our talk is what allowed him to go off. That makes me sad but I’m glad we had it and it gave him peace.

If she is correct, it was a gift. I know for reasons I'd rather not get into.

My sympathies.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I might post it on a Substack but not sure I’ll share it where my sister will see it. It’s not bad or anything, I dunno it just may bother her some.

You could just ask her.

 

[ChiefD]

Cap - I’m sorry for your loss. Your story brings up a lot of memories for me.

Your level of class in this situation is off the charts. After reading your story he didn’t deserve a son like you. For you to rise above what he put you and your mom through tells me all I need to know about you.

The best part of this story is two things:

1. You have broken a cycle. That is one of the most powerful things on earth.
2. You have proven to yourself what kind of man you are, That should give you an immense sense of accomplishment and pride.

Be sad. And relieved. And happy for what you have become. THAT is the part you have earned out of all of this.

As a guy who has lived the life you had, I can honestly tell you how proud I am of you and how you handled this. I’m glad you got to do it on YOUR terms. Love you man.

 

[Tau837]

Just saw this thread. Sorry, @Capella to read about your situation.

My Dad was a deadbeat alcoholic. My Mom divorced him when I was 2 and raised me on her own, with no help from him. She chose not to take him to court for child support, since he really didn't have the money. When I got old enough to grasp the real situation, around age 14, I told him I didn't want to talk to him any more. He showed up at my high school graduation uninvited, but otherwise I didn't talk to him after I told him I didn't want to. Several years ago, I was contacted by a relative on his side of the family to tell me he had died. I really didn't have any emotional response. He just wasn't a person in my life and hadn't been for so long. I felt guilty for not having a reaction.

Like you, I believe I am a better person based on my experience, because I grew up wanting to ensure I wasn't like him. I have a lot of sad memories related to him, but I choose not to let them affect me. That's pretty easy at this point, given they are mostly from 40+ years ago.

I'm glad to read here that you have a chance at some reconciliation with your Dad. I didn't have the opportunity. I didn't necessarily want it and don't feel like I miss it, but I still think I would have been happy if it had happened. If that makes sense.

Anyway, I wish you the best with this GB.

ETA: Just read further and saw that he passed. I'm sorry to read that, condolences.

 

[GoBirds]

So sorry to read this. As I’m sure you have done as a father I’ve used some of my father’s shortcomings to motivate me to be the best father I can. I lost mine when I was pretty young. He had his strengths and definitely had his weaknesses. Hang onto the positives and use the negatives to make you a better person as it sounds like you have done. Hang in there man.