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Nephew's Destination Wedding - Am I obligated to go? (1 Viewer)

matuski said:
He is your brother.. call him and talk it through with him.  Communication will alleviate any hurt feelings... or at least identify the hurt feelings and you can adjust if needed.

Assuming you talk.. I doubt there are any issues. :thumbup:
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Weird you couldn't call your brother and talk about it.

 
I never understood why everyone feels the need to over explain things.   

"Sorry i don't think we will be able to attend."  No need for extra details.   I loathe those emails from people out sick for a day

 
Godsbrother said:
They may know that not everyone will come but in my case they certainly expected us to.  I already know they are not happy that my sister's son, wife & 2 little kids aren't going.
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Ridiculous. Any sane person knows that if you do a destination wedding that is great and all but you will have people who won't/can't go. Same goes for a wedding and the out of town relatives- some will make it and some won't. Now, unless a relative in the same area has a good reason to not go (basically something better than "I don't wan to") they should be expected to go. Some people are down right silly in this world.

 
I can't argue with it but it is reality.

$1,700 will keep everyone's feelings from getting hurt + I spend two days with my my wife, 5 siblings & their spouses.  Things could be worse...

 
Godsbrother said:
So my nephew (brother's son) is getting married at an all-inclusive near Cancun in October and my wife and I are invited.   I have three brothers and two sisters also invited and from what I hear they are planning on going.

I don't want to go for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that my elderly parents (88, 92) have health issues and aren't able to attend.  I am very concerned about all of us kids being out of the country at the same time. 

As I see it my options are either to call my brother and explain my concerns and tell him that we will not be attending but then send a very generous gift  -OR- go to the wedding with my wife and hope nothing happens with my parents while we are in Mexico.

I won't lie that part of the reason that I don't want to go is that my wife and I vacationed at an-all inclusive in Riveria Maya less than a year ago and vowed we wouldn't go back (beach stunk and we both got sick).  Also I have priced out the wedding trip and the cost will be roughly $2,000 coming in on Friday and leaving Sunday morning.  Add a wedding gift and incidentals and we are looking at $2,500 for 2 nights and 1 full day which is pretty steep.

So I am between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand I don't want to offend my brother and his wife but I really am concerned about leaving my Mom & Dad without any help if they need it and shelling out $2,500 for a very short trip to a place I don't want to go does not thrill me.

Right now I am leaning towards declining the invitation and if get the sense that my brother or his wife are pissed then I'll go to the wedding by myself which would leave my wife home if anything happens to Mom & Dad.  

Thoughts?
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Dude, nobody is gonna be pissed if you miss the wedding.  Really.  Really really.

If you don't want to go, and you are in any way worried about pushback, then lay on deep about not wanting to leave mom and dad.  Heck, if you play your cards right, you may even get to pretend that you are pissed you have to miss the wedding to stay back with your parents and take care of them.  

But really, if someone picks a destination wedding, they know going in that people are going to have to miss it.  That's part of the deal with destination wedding.

You really only have two choices here:  Either go and have a blast, or don't go and feel good about your decision.  Both are fantastic choices. 

 
Godsbrother said:
UPDATE:  

My wife and I are going.  I never sent the email or talk with my brother about not going as I was getting vibes from my other siblings that he was expecting all of us to go.  Better to just go and avoid hard feelings so I booked to fly into Cancun on Friday afternoon and go back Sunday early morning.  

I'm still worried about my Mom & Dad but figured I can roll the dice for two nights.  I have 3 adults kids that will need to check on them while we are out.

Total cost for hotel & flights was almost $1,700.  It will be well over 2 grand when you factor in gift, airport parking, etc.   

My only concern now is we have a 6:00 AM flight on Sunday morning -- I am hoping I can get a taxi or transfer service that will pick us up at 3:30 AM so we can get to the airport a couple hours early.
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I should have read the whole thread.  GREAT choice.  Now have a blast and bang your wife and drink a little and look at the pretty spring break coeds and don't get eaten by a shark.  And then bang your wife again.

Hazah!!

 
Godsbrother said:
They may know that not everyone will come but in my case they certainly expected us to.  I already know they are not happy that my sister's son, wife & 2 little kids aren't going.
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It seems odd to me that they aren't concerned that your parents can't be there.  I can't imagine treating my grandparents like that.

 
Godsbrother said:
I can't argue with it but it is reality.

$1,700 will keep everyone's feelings from getting hurt + I spend two days with my my wife, 5 siblings & their spouses.  Things could be worse...
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As long as that $1,700 isn't going to cause you to lose your house or go hungry then the bold part is what will make this trip worth it. You could probably use some practice in assertiveness and not worry about other people's feelings so much but that is a lesson that can be saved for another day. Same for your brother and his social etiquette. 

We all spend money on frivolous things that have no lasting impact on our life or memories. Vacations and big events that bring family and friends together are exactly the kind of things we do remember forever, usually in a positive way.

I just got back from my grandfather's funeral this weekend and saw relatives that I haven't seen in 10 years, 20 years or ever. As we get older we are separated by distance and responsibilities from our family and friends and it gets easier to make excuses to pass up some of these big events. For me this past weekend the time spent, meals and drinks shared, and stories told will be memories I cherish for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately weddings and funerals are about the only times large families who are spread out get everyone together at the same time and place. Weddings tend to be a lot more fun than funerals. Go enjoy yourself in Cancun. And say hello to Jesus for me. 

 
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Godsbrother said:
So my nephew (brother's son) is getting married at an all-inclusive near Cancun in October and my wife and I are invited.   I have three brothers and two sisters also invited and from what I hear they are planning on going.

I don't want to go for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that my elderly parents (88, 92) have health issues and aren't able to attend.  I am very concerned about all of us kids being out of the country at the same time. 

As I see it my options are either to call my brother and explain my concerns and tell him that we will not be attending but then send a very generous gift  -OR- go to the wedding with my wife and hope nothing happens with my parents while we are in Mexico.

I won't lie that part of the reason that I don't want to go is that my wife and I vacationed at an-all inclusive in Riveria Maya less than a year ago and vowed we wouldn't go back (beach stunk and we both got sick).  Also I have priced out the wedding trip and the cost will be roughly $2,000 coming in on Friday and leaving Sunday morning.  Add a wedding gift and incidentals and we are looking at $2,500 for 2 nights and 1 full day which is pretty steep.

So I am between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand I don't want to offend my brother and his wife but I really am concerned about leaving my Mom & Dad without any help if they need it and shelling out $2,500 for a very short trip to a place I don't want to go does not thrill me.

Right now I am leaning towards declining the invitation and if get the sense that my brother or his wife are pissed then I'll go to the wedding by myself which would leave my wife home if anything happens to Mom & Dad.  

Thoughts?
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I like how you first claim this is about your parents' health but then in the next paragraph come clean and admit that you really just don't feel like going and don't feel like spending the money. 

:thumbup:

 
Otis said:
I like how you first claim this is about your parents' health but then in the next paragraph come clean and admit that you really just don't feel like going and don't feel like spending the money. 

:thumbup:
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Didn't realize they were mutually exclusive

 
The destination wedding is the ultimate LOOK AT ME!!!! move. That being said, its their wedding, so they're entitled to do it however they want. But if they do that, its completely unreasonable to be upset if someone chooses not to attend for any reason. Vacation time is valuable to most people, so mandating that they use theirs to attend your wedding outside the country is absurd.

My cousin is getting married over Memorial Day weekend in Montana. They're from the area originally but moved out there like 10 years ago to build a ranch/resort type of thing. That's where they're having all the festivities and the only thing the guests need to pay for are their flights. Its a "destination wedding" for 90% of the guests and several members of the family (including my brother) are choosing not to come. As far as I know, there are ZERO hard feelings about it from the bride and groom.

Not exactly how I'd want to spend my Memorial day, but it will be really casual (dress code is basically anything from jeans to a tuxedo if you are so inclined) and I'll get to do some stuff that I've never done before (horseback riding, fly fishing) in a pretty cool setting. And because its scheduled during the holiday, I only need to take 2 vacation days (Friday and Tuesday) 

 
Destination weddings are definitely a guilt-free blow off if it is a stretch for you, especially if you have wife/kids in the mix. No issue at all. That said, I've had a number of friends do it and they were each among the best weeks of my life. They can be really great with the right group of people in the right location.

Anybody who doesn't respect a decision not to go is way out of line. No guilt whatsoever. Especially when it's not immediate family? Gtfo.

ETA: Agree the parent thing sounds like a weak excuse.

 
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Apple Jack said:
Destination weddings are definitely a guilt-free blow off if it is a stretch for you, especially if you have wife/kids in the mix. No issue at all. That said, I've had a number of friends do it and they were each among the best weeks of my life. They can be really great with the right group of people in the right location.

Anybody who doesn't respect a decision not to go is way out of line. No guilt whatsoever. Especially when it's not immediate family? Gtfo.

ETA: Agree the parent thing sounds like a weak excuse.
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If you have been through with my Mom & Dad over the last year you might not think so.  Taking care of elderly parents can be a lot of work.  I see my them several times a week on a normal week let alone when one of them are ill.   We just got Dad back out of the hospital last Friday (he was in there for 3 weeks for a C-diff infection and pneumonia).   My sibs help some but it is my wife and I that do the every day stuff for my Mom and Dad.  All of my brothers & sisters know that.

 
Godsbrother said:
If you have been through with my Mom & Dad over the last year you might not think so.  Taking care of elderly parents can be a lot of work.  I see my them several times a week on a normal week let alone when one of them are ill.   We just got Dad back out of the hospital last Friday (he was in there for 3 weeks for a C-diff infection and pneumonia).   My sibs help some but it is my wife and I that do the every day stuff for my Mom and Dad.  All of my brothers & sisters know that.
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Don't even make an excuse. You aren't calling into work or anything.

Just say "Congratulations, we won't be able to make it but we hope you enjoy your special day."

Leave it at that. It's a destination wedding, they surely don't expect the normal % of invited guests to actually show up.

 
I sort of had a destination wedding here in Florida but it was a little different than the OPs example. For one, it was only very close family and friends  (about 20 people total). Also, it was at a beachside bed and breakfast that my wife and I booked for the whole weekend.  So basically what people had to pay for was travel here and a gift. Food was also on us. We had one grandma not go and we were ok with it (she's scared of flying).

But yeah, people/family have absolutely no right to be upset if you don't attend their destination wedding. 

 
My kid sister got married in Scotland. We are from Wisconsin, but she had moved to Scotland and met her fiancé there.  My pops sprung to fly in 2 dozen relatives and to put us all up at a B & B for 5 days.  Absent that offer I would not have been likely to attend.  He flew in folks from Wisconsin, Minnesota, California, Colorado, Florida, Holland, and Ethiopia.  He also sprung for formal wear kilts for 5 of us, Kilts, Battle Jackets, Sporran, Wee Booties, Daggers (I forget what they call them).  Stunning really.

Ahh, I remember, those little dirks were called sgian dubh.  My sporran was made from badger. (The animal, not Jessie's meth head buddy from Breaking Bad)

 
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Ditkaless Wonders said:
My kid sister got married in Scotland. We are from Wisconsin, but she had moved to Scotland and met her fiancé there.  My pops sprung to fly in 2 dozen relatives and to put us all up at a B & B for 5 days.  Absent that offer I would not have been likely to attend.  He flew in folks from Wisconsin, Minnesota, California, Colorado, Florida, Holland, and Ethiopia.  He also sprung for formal wear kilts for 5 of us, Kilts, Battle Jackets, Sporran, Wee Booties, Daggers (I forget what they call them).  Stunning really.

Ahh, I remember, those little dirks were called sgian dubh.  My sporran was made from badger.
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Are you supposed to wear undies with the kilt or just free ball? 

 
eoMMan said:
Are you supposed to wear undies with the kilt or just free ball? 
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There was some traditional thing they did during the reception were all the guys in full dress lined up while they played some traditional song.  The single ladies formed a dance line of sorts and more or less ran in front of our line flicking the Kilts up to determine who were real Scotsmen.  I went with tradition.

I can tell you that you have to sweep that thing under your backside before sitting down on metal benches outside on 40 degree nights.  The first time I sat without doing it right my junk hit the metal bench and I was rather startled.  Also, do not do it wrong if you are going to sit on a bench with slats with substantial gaps unless you want your junk to fall through.  It makes getting up a potentially delicate matter.

 
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gianmarco said:
Is this the Scottish equivalent to hand stuck in the garbage disposal?
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All I can tell you is it would have been wiser for me to have worn the kilt once or twice sober before the wedding.  I was caught off guard once or twice during the reception, being drunk and a first time wearer.

 
UPDATE:

Leaving for Cancun on Friday, arrive around 11:45 am, should be at the resort about 1:00.  Our flight back is Sunday at 6:00 am so the airport transportation picking us up at 3:15 am. We have a connection through Dallas which is crazy considering our final destination is Pittsburgh but it was the only flight I could get to watch the Steelers/Patriots game which was my goal (although it will likely be a blowout now with Big Ben down and the Steelers defense in shambles).

One of my brothers had to pull out because his wife is ill from chemo treatments so at least he will be home for my elderly parents if they need help.

My nephew and his bride-to-be were actually married last week in a small ceremony that only included their parents, siblings and grandparents so the "wedding" we are going to Cancun is actually after-the-fact.  I am not sure why but that was supposed to be kept a secret but my Mom let it slip out to my sister.   

Total cost for the trip + gift will be about $2,500 so roughly $66 an hour for the 38 hours we'll be at the resort.   I don't think I can get that back in alcohol but I am going to give it a shot...

 
Yep.  Definitely not the vacation we had in mind but I'm sure we'll have fun and getting away from the office for a day or two won't be bad either.

 
I'd have still told them to pound sand.  Call it $2,200 (less gift) for a 38hr vacation during which time you're obligated to be at a wedding and reception?  For a nephew?  #### that noise.

I ##### when I have to attend weddings that are more than an hour drive. 

 
James Daulton said:
I'd have still told them to pound sand.  Call it $2,200 (less gift) for a 38hr vacation during which time you're obligated to be at a wedding and reception?  For a nephew?  #### that noise.

I ##### when I have to attend weddings that are more than an hour drive. 
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I might drive more than an hour, but I sure as **** am not wasting money to go to some entitled kids wedding.  And it's not even a real wedding.  Not a chance.

 
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