Office Speak - A marriage proposal (1 Viewer)

[Joe Bryant]

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-marriage-proposal-spoken-entirely-in-office-jargon



Reminder to myself to talk more like a human.

A Marriage Proposal Spoken Entirely in Office Jargon​

by​

GARY: Hey Cindy, remember the other day when we were talking about optimizations?

CINDY: Yeah, I wanted to circle back on that.

GARY: Me too. You said you wanted to see hockey-stick growth. Well, I’ve realized that I want to see hockey-stick growth too—in our relationship.

CINDY: Unpack that for me.

GARY: This relationship has been such a value-add. Some of my friends were worried that it would take too long for us to get into alignment. But you have been an absolute rockstar.

CINDY: I feel the same way, Gary. The ROI on this relationship has been unbelievable. You’ve really given 110 percent.

GARY: So I wanted to close the loop. In addition to the other deliverables, I have one more. (He takes a knee, and holds out his hand.) It’s this wedding ring. Cindy, will you marry me?

CINDY: I will, Gary. You have been an absolute ninja. This moves the needle in a significant way.

GARY: Getting married will represent a huge pivot, but I see it as a quick win, and a real solve.

CINDY: Me too. And we can talk about this later, but—I do want to make sure we go forward with a single source of truth.

GARY: Break that down for me.

CINDY: I used to be with a guy who was full of valuable insights—but his insights weren’t actionable, let alone fundable.

GARY: Sounds like low-hanging fruit.

CINDY: He was. And I know you’re different. The synergy is unbelievable. But I want to make sure we stay focused on core values. Which, for me, comes down to the bottom line.

GARY: By bottom line, you’re talking about the financials?

CINDY: Not having enough spend was a big pain point for me. I don’t know how else to say it. You’re more than your financials, but you’re not less than them.

(Long pause.)

GARY: I think I understand.

CINDY: Just wanted to touch base on how you’re feeling about that.

GARY: Well, look. We both know the importance of data-driven insights. So I think I’ve got a solve. What if we set up a weekly one-on-one to check in and stack hands on the financials as we start to plan for our new normal?

CINDY: I would love that. But I’m so sorry, I have a three-thirty.

GARY: Okay, let’s table this for now. In the meantime, if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

CINDY: Sounds good. Let’s circle back tonight, and we can action on our solve.

 

[The Z Machine]

Need to work in the the noun, "an unlock".

 

[jhib]

I'm not sure Cindy really has the bandwidth for this at the moment.

 

[Zow]

How many of these correspondences were sent with Reply All?

 

[rockaction]

Operators, or verbal false limbs. These save the trouble of picking out appropriate verbs and nouns, and at the same time pad each sentence with extra syllables which give it an appearance of symmetry. Characteristic phrases are: render inoperative, militate against, prove unacceptable, make contact with, be subject to, give rise to, give grounds for, have the effect of, play a leading part(role) in, make itself felt, take effect, exhibit a tendency to, serve the purpose of, etc. etc. The keynote is the elimination of simple verbs. Instead of being a single word, such as break, stop, spoil, mend, kill, a verb becomes a phrase, made up of a noun or adjective tacked on to some general-purposes verb such as prove, serve, form, play, render. In addition, the passive voice is wherever possible used in preference to the active, and noun constructions are used instead of gerunds (by examination of instead of by examining). The range of verbs is further cut down by means of the -ize and de- formations, and banal statements are given an appearance of profundity by means of the not un- formation. Simple conjunctions and prepositions are replaced by such phrases as with respect to, having regard to, the fact that, by dint of, in view of, in the interests of, on the hypothesis that; and the ends of sentences are saved from anticlimax by such resounding commonplaces as greatly to be desired, cannot be left out of account, a development to be expected in the near future, deserving of serious consideration, brought to a satisfactory conclusion, and so on and so forth. - George Orwell, Politics and the English Language

That’s business speak in a nutshell. Funny posting, Joe.

 

[Joe Bryant]

Our guy @Simon Shepherd added it reminded him of this classic.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

youtu.be

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Hockey-stick growth is code, right?